Posted by: Jody Glynn Patrick | 10/29/2009

My child is dead. Why should I live?


Real thoughts and real conversation about the seduction of suicide following a child’s death.

You may recognize more than one of these internal scripts:

  • I have failed my child.
  • I can’t live without seeing my child’s face.
  • I can’t live in a world where my child is a statistic now.
  • No one needs me now. My life has lost purpose.
  • My future – as a mother, as a father, as a step-parent, as a grandparent – died with my child.
  • I have regrets for things not said/done/realized before the death.
  • I should have prevented it.
  • I am alone. Other people grieve, but cannot share MY grief or make it less. They do not understand the depths of my grief.
  • My energy is gone. My will to live is gone. All around me, I see and feel the sadness and emptiness.
  • The world failed me. God failed me.
  • I am only living now for my other (children, spouse, partner, family, friends, profession). I am no longer living a life worth living for me.
  • I failed my child. (It usually begins and ends with this).

This dialogue around the question “why live?” is the best I can manage.

I am alone.

You are not alone. You are there and I am physically in another space and time, but we are together now, and I am reaching out to you.

I want to die. My soul was lost alongside my child’s physical existence.

Your death will not mediate another death. It will, however, contribute to the grief already in the world. Please reconsider.

The rest of the world is not my concern right now. The absence of my child in my life is my focus and reality.

Time is a dimension. Is there is a psychic energy that outlives death, in another dimension? If so, the possibility of eternity takes new meaning. You may have eternity to be with your child in your future. You also may have a purpose and meaning for your life and journey in the here and now.

I don’t believe that. Even if I want to, my pain prevents me from hoping for anything now. I hoped and expected to be buried before my child.

We all hoped and expected that. And there are many of us here now, with you in spirit and in pain, but still present to be here with you. We are asking you to step back from the edge for today. For this morning, this afternoon, this evening. Whatever time brings you to the edge now. Please step back.

I can’t do this. I can’t bear this any longer.

You can. It is a choice for you. No one can think clearly from a position of pain. We respond, instead, reflexively. This hurts – make it stop. You need time to grieve between the loss and scarring. The suffering, misery, heartache, sorrow, anguish and nothingness will diminish, but that is too far ahead for you to see now. So focus on this minute. Step back from the edge and chose to live this minute and you can do it. You can. Choose it.

My child is dead. I can’t believe it. I can’t process it. I can’t accept it.

What you feel is the finality of a door slamming shut. It stuns, shocks and bewilders. The door is death. I see the death, too, like a door in a door frame. Turn the door it its frame sideways. What is on the other side of the door? Nothingness? Happiness? Reunion? What are you seeking?

Anything would be better than this. Even nothingness.

Step back from the edge. If you lack faith, you are seeking it, even if it is only a questioning about what lies on the other side of the door. Here is a beautiful expression of my faith: When you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step out into the darkness, faith is knowing one of two things will happen… there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly (Richard Bach).

This moves me toward the Footprints in the Sand assurance: A person is walking on a beach with God; they leave two sets of footprints in the sand behind them. [Says Wikipedia:] “Looking back, the tracks are stated to represent various stages of this person’s life. At some points the two trails dwindle to one, especially at the lowest and most hopeless moments of the character’s life. When the person questions God about this, believing that God must have abandoned his follower during those times, God gives the explanation: ‘During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you’.

If you can’t find faith in a higher authority right now, can you find the ground to stand on, the permission to be carried, or the wings to fly above this misery without abandoning yourself and your next purpose? It sounds easy and patronizing, even borderline intrusive to ask you, but I know it is hard. I ask you sincerely to try.

I don’t know….

You don’t know. Step back from the edge. You can. Choose to step back and if you have nowhere else to put your trust, put it in those of us who continue to do this day after day. We are here and we have scars, but we have love and light in our lives again, too. If not healing, we promise you scarring. And we keep our children’s memory alive and their presence real in the world with every breath we take. Please. Step back from the edge.

Contact the author for permission to link or post; copyright 2009: Jody Glynn Patrick


  1. the comments about the seduction of suicide describe my messed up feelings after my darling son died. I have 2 other sons to live for but what if something happens to them? I am terrified.

    • I understand. I am still terrified, after adding grandchildren to the mix. If something now happened to one of them. But we live for them when we can’t live for ourselves — the footprints in the sand idea — and let ourselves be carried during those moments of terror — whether by God, if that is your faith, or by those you love. The moments of terror will space out until they are maneagable. Hang on. And we will understand, I believe we will someday, why we are called to continue when our children have gone. I have to believe we will someday understand the journeys, Kate.

    • I am terrified for my 3 other children as well…

      • Bonni,
        I understand exactly what you are saying. I hear you. How long ago did your son die? I realize it could be a day or a year or 10 years and these feelings do not change quickly. Your other children do need you — they are traumatized by this death as well. But you do not need guilt — you need help to sort this all out. Can you afford (not only financially, but mental as well) to speak to a death counselor? Better yet, can you afford not to?
        I’m here for you, Bonni. Many of us are here for you. Do you have someone there for you, too?

    • The Bible writer Paul offered hope of relief from that “last enemy,” death. He wrote: “Death is to be brought to nothing.” “The last enemy to be abolished is death.” (1 Corinthians 15:26, The New English Bible) Why could Paul be so sure of that? Because he had been taught by one who had been raised from the dead, Jesus Christ. (Acts 9:3-19) That is also why Paul could write: “Since death is through a man [Adam], resurrection of the dead is also through a man [Jesus Christ]. For just as in Adam all are dying, so also in the Christ all will be made alive.”— Corinthians 15:21, 22. Jesus was deeply grieved when he met a widow of Nain and saw her dead son. The Bible account tells us: “As [Jesus] got near the gate of the city [Nain], why, look! there was a dead man being carried out, the only-begotten son of his mother. Besides, she was a widow. A considerable crowd from the city was also with her. And when the Lord caught sight of her, he was moved with pity for her, and he said to her: ‘Stop weeping.’ With that he approached and touched the bier, and the bearers stood still, and he said: ‘Young man, I say to you, Get up!’ And the dead man sat up and started to speak, and he gave him to his mother. Now fear seized them all, and they began to glorify God, saying: When Someone You Love Dies 5 ‘A great prophet has been raised up among us,’ and, ‘God has turned his attention to his people.’ ” Notice how Jesus was moved with pity, so that he resurrected the widow’s son! Imagine what that portends for the future!—uke 7: 12-16. There, in front of eyewitnesses, Jesus performed an unforgettable resurrection. It was a token of the resurrection that he had already predicted some time prior to this event, a restoration to l i fe on earth under “a new heaven.” On that occasion Jesus had said: “Do not marvel at this , because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out.”—evelation 21:1, 3, 4; John 5:28, 29; 2 Peter 3:13. Other eyewitnesses to a resurrection included Peter, along with some others of the 12 who accompanied Jesus on his travels. They actually heard the resurrected Jesus speak by the Sea of Galilee. The account tells us: “Jesus said to them: ‘Come, take your breakfast.’ Not one of the disciples had the courage to inquire of him: ‘Who are you?’ because they knew it was the Lord. Jesus came and took the bread and gave it to them, and the fish likewise. This was now the third time that Jesus appeared to the disciples after his being raised up from the dead.”—ohn 21:12-14. Therefore, Peter could write with utter conviction: “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, for according to his great mercy he gave us a new birth to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.”— Peter 1:3. The apostle Paul expressed his confident hope when he said: “I believe all the things set forth in the Law and written in the Prophets; and I have hope toward God, which hope these men themselves also entertain, that there is going to be a resurrection of both the righteous and the unrighteous.”

  2. I feel like there is nothing left to me or for me now that my son has died by suicide. I feel I have failed and I stay here only for my other children but I feel I am failing them too. I want nothing more then for the day to come that I can lay down and die and be buried besides my son. I just do not want to be here anymore.

    • I know how you feel. I also lost my son just after he turned 13. Not a day goes by that I don’t cry. I have a younger daughter that I must care for. That is the only reason I go on. My wife also died in my arms. She was more afraid of living in pain than dying. I promised her I would make sure she would be allowed to die and that I would not allow the hospital to keep her alive in pain (She had cancer).

      My son, however, was not expected. Found my daughter in the pool not breathing when she was 3. Was able to resuscitate her. Not so with my son. He apparently had a seizure, hit his head on the sink, and died.

      I am a failure. My family meant everything to me. I understand.

      • I am so sorry you are a great guy and strong you must be your wife loves you always and so does your son I. Am sorry for your loss

      • Thank you Mark for your kind words. It is hard to be strong when you are torn up inside. I try my best to honor my son’s memory and make him proud of me. He was to be my legacy but fate has made me his instead. Those who have never lost a child tend to find it hard to understand, if ever, the pain all of us here have gone through. There is no medicine or quick cure for soul (Believe me, I have tried). Only time seems to help, but my soul will never completely heal. There will always be a scar. But I have, over the years, been able to find and feel joy again. I hope my son Kollin is as proud of his dad as I was, and still am, proud of him!

      • UNlike some of these ‘scripture quoting’,pie-in-the-sky idealogical poofs, I REALIZE the ugly g-d harsh truth of it..I’m 667,near 668 hellacious tortuous days and nights(more significantly)in, I realize and am honest enough to still state that it’s unbridled,unholy HELL..I lost all friggin reason to even THINK about being…I understand …

    • have you been able to cope ? I Lost my son and I want to die so bad I beg to sleep and not wake up

      • my son passed Nov. 20 2014 I don’t know how I can go on he was the light of my I don know how I can go on

      • Gina, when my son Matthew died in February 2013, I said the same things. I promise you that things will get better. There will always be pain, but it is less as time passes. In the beginning, I cried every day, but now there are good days. Some days I’m sad, and other days I laugh. God has been my strength during the worst times. I don’t know how someone who loses a child finds the strength to continue without Gods loving arms. Please hold on Gina, things will get better.

      • Gina, my daughter Julia died March 2013 and I also promise you that it will get better. It won’t happen for awhile, but eventually it will, a minute at a time sometimes, but better. There have been days when I too wanted to just go to sleep and not wake up. I’ve had many, many rough hours and rough days. This is all so new for you, so raw, so confusing. Hold on to each minute you don’t feel the pain/shock/disbelief and remember those minutes will return again. Many of us describe the pain as coming in waves. You may experience that too. Take care of yourself, drink water, sleep, eat what you can, cry. Do whatever you need to do and just remember you are not alone.

      • so do so sorry.

    • I feel the same way.

    • I feel like it too .lost my son

    • I’m with you…lost my daughter to drug addiction. I’m just going through the motions of everyday living. I wouldn’t care if I died. At least I’d get to be with my daughter in heaven. The only thing I’d regret is leaving behind my husband and son to grieve. It wouldn’t be fair to them. That’s the only thing that keeps me going on in this life.

      • I too lost my girl on 18/2/17 to overdose. I don’t know if she did it or it was done to her. I constantly cry, have panic attacks and can’t interact with grandchildren or family and friends. I put on a face to the world- inside I’m just crying. She has a twin brother in wheelchair so I have to go on for him. I am constantly looking for signs from her that her spirit is still with us but sometimes i think I’m going mad. I honestly don’t know how to go on in life or what the purpose in life now is. I feel I should have talked her out of leaving with her partner- she was only gone 6 days and was dead. I don’t know exactly how or why she died. I have months to wait to hear coroner report. I know this won’t bring her back but at least I might find out how she died. I can’t walk into a shop without crying because I know I will never buy her another thing or hold her or hear her laugh again. I just want to close door and sleep but I have to keep going on for my son.

      • Sue, I lost my 21 year old daughter to accidental o.d. June 4th, 2014. She has a surviving twin sister. I’m so sorry for your loss and for your hurt and heartache. It has been almost 3 years since my daughter left this world, and I miss her every minute of every day. Many times I’ve wanted to just join her, it’s so hard being here without her. But I’m still here, and still holding on. The Lord is my strength and I can’t imagine walking this valley without Him. If you’d like to talk, please contact me via email and I’ll reply, no one can understand this depth of pain and sorrow unless you’ve experienced it firsthand. I know how bad you hurt, so do I. But as you said, you have others to live for as do I. Sometimes I even resent that because it means I have to stay when often I want to join my angel. I will pray for you. My name is Yolette and I live in Idaho.

    • I answer a post that is years old. You spoke about your son ending his life. It is something I cannot even begin to imagine. My Son Bryant died of double pneumonia 9/12/2015. It was not sudden. I had the privilege of being by my son’s side for 53 days and nights. We sufurred together, and grew a bond that I thought was impossible for anything to have. If Bryants death was as your sons, I can say that I would be even crazier, lonely, depressed than now. I never thought that could be possible.
      Just want you to know, that I love you, and yes, after all these years, you story touched another heart.

  3. The pain never goes. Although there are periods where I think it might have. Only to return to haunt.
    I can be normal for a while and then the anger wells up,
    and I am useless.
    Much to live for, so many others to love – this helps.
    But my God, when my time comes, I won’t ask why.

    My pain at first was a selfish one, I couldn’t help my little ones. Their father was an angry shell. I was there, but not helpful.

    So now the anger subsides and I am left emotionless. There are others who have suffered worse, much worse. But I’m told this does not help to say. But how else do I gain strength, if not bolstered by the courage of others.

    Thank you for a place to say something.

    • I loss my son one year and one month he died in an accident at the age of seven….my heart hurts so much…I miss him…

  4. Our beloved son died suddenly and extremely traumatically 6 months ago. We have just been to the garden centre. Christmas displays, Christmas cards, overwhelmed me. I realised we will never buy a “Son” Christmas card again, or enjoy Christmas. We all loved Christmas, but my son has gone and we feel we will never enjoy anything, especially Christmas again. I want him back. I cannot live without him. My husband just found your site for me and it has helped. Thankyou so much, Chris

    • My son died at the age of first my heart hurts so much I cry every day….

      • my son died almost 5 years ago and I just still have such a hard time with everything – weddings just kill me as I know I will never see him get married or have children. I too feel like I just can’t go on without him.

    • Of course you can buy a son Christmas card! I buy the sky lanterns and send them up to my baby! I also bought them for someone else a little while ago and she loves them. My son delivered pizza, I had family and friends meet me at Jake’s grave and Domino’s delivered pizza to us. I dropped off candy on Halloween, he has a Christmas tree by his dad and stepmother, a chocolate Easter Bunny! Keep buying the cards! XO

      • Marie, I am so sorry you have joined us in this site. All of here have had to deal with the pain of having a child die (Sorry, I have not “Lost a child”. He died but is not lost in my heart).

        I have a sister and niece that have also had a child die. They are much more understanding of what I feel. Furtunately, no one else in my family or friends have experienced this. Therefore, they are clueless. They try to offer advice. “It was Gods will” or “God works in strange ways” or “He is now at peace”.

        When I encounter this clueless advise, I simply step back and smile. Why would I want to share my pain with them? They are blessed (Have no idea how much it hurts). We however know how it feels. We have not “Lost a child”. No. They are still in our heart. We will never lose that! We only feel the pain because we remember what they mean to us! That we will never lose.

        I can not tell you how to feel. (No one has that right!). Each of us have to deal with our feelings the best we can. All I can say is when I deal with my son’s death, I will never “Get over it”. All I can do is “Get through it”.

        For me, it was a Friday night. He laughed at me and made me promise I would play his favorite video game with him in the morning.

        The next thing I knew, my wife was screaming. She found him on the bathroom floor. I dragged his 13yr old body out and tried to resuscitate him. Needless to say, I failed.

        The EM crew and Sheriffs office came. No good. He apparently had a seizure, hit his head on the sink, and died.

        His body lied on the floor of our hall for hours until they could pick it up. His little sister took a lock of his hair to remember her big brother. How sad!

        I still feel guilty. Not only for his death (I could not revive him), but for what I put his little sister through. When Kollin died, a part of me died as well. His poor little sister lost not only her brother, but her mom and dad as well.

        For me (Again, no one has a right to tell you how to fee), after 6 years, I have finally reached a point of piece. I can finally look back on Kollin’s life and smile. The only reason I felt such pain was because he brought me such joy. To let his life, and death destroy me would be an insult to him. I can’t let that happen. Though his path through life as short, I’m glad I got to walk it with him.

        I am certain I will be with him again. Hell, he is still with me (In my heart).

        Please hang in there Maria. I know your son was supposed to be your legacy. Instead, you are his. He is still alive in your heart. I hope like me, the pain will subside and your heart will once again smile.

      • Not the same at all!

      • I know 😢

  5. Christine: I lost my young (9 years old) daughter two years ago, also extremely suddenly. I felt the same way as you for that first Christmas, and the next. Now we’re looking toward our third Christmas without my beloved little angel. I won’t say it gets better — nothing on Earth or in Heaven will make it “better”. But I will tell you that there are glimmers of hope in the middle of the sorrow. Life does continue, and over time it starts to feel “normal” again — there are even opportunities for joy. They are different, and bittersweet. But they are there. You will live without him, even if sometimes you don’t want to at first. It sounds corny, I know — I didn’t believe a word of it that first year, either. But our loved ones long for our happiness. Go ahead and be angry this Christmas. For this year, close the shades and watch Spongebob, if that helps. Order Chinese food and play a hundred games of Solitaire. But know that, if you give yourself space to heal and if your treat yourself with as much love and patience as you would show him, all your Christmases won’t feel like this forever. Have faith. Much love from one grieving mom to another.

    • Dear Beanie, I am so so sorry that you have lost your little girl, thank you for replying to my letter even in your own grief.

      I did get through my son’s birthday in December, although I still start to shake when I think that he will be that age forever.

      I also got through Christmas with the help of your kind words and my family including my younger son, who is also grieving for the older brother who was always there and has now gone. This is what grieves me the most – the completeness of the loss – the finality of it, and the utter helplessness I feel in not being able to bring back my son. It is a mother’s job to keep her son safe but I failed.

      I especially liked your phrase “opportunities for joy” I did find some over Christmas. We had never had Christmas lunch at my younger son’s home before and it was lovely to do so for the first time – he and his family gave me such joy, they were so kind and thoughtful.

      From one grieving mom to another, you, more than anyone else, can really say “I understand”. Thankyou for helping me, Chris

  6. My 10 year old daughter was murdered on september 5th 2011. Her father abducted her and murdered her, his other 3 year old daughter and killed himself. I was working really hard on my grief until these past 2 weeks. My mother became incredibly ill with cancer which spread to her brain, she died sunday and her funeral was yesterday. I don’t understand where they went. Why can’t my daughter send me a message letting me know that she is safe and that some part of her still exists?

    • Rae, this situation that you have had to face would be overwhelming to any rational person. And I understand your desire to have validation that it isn’t the end — of your relationship with your daughter or your mother. What you are asking for — proof — is a reasonable and honest expectation, especially to those of us who do believe that the energy (soul) continues after the physical body stops functioning. I believe, and time will bear me out, I know, that you will get the message. It may not be in the form you are expecting, or at the time you are expecting. For now, take the message from others. Read the posts, if you haven’t already or if you are ready to do so now, that address this on my blog site. Sometimes knowing OTHERS have had the experiences you crave gives them weight and can help you understand that what is true for one person might be true for you. We don’t understand the dynamics of thought or energy transfer, but we do believe that love/energy does not die with a physical body. People who share my beliefs (and many, many death counselors and scientists do, and many bereaved parents have shared stories supporting it) get to a point where they accept it as true without needing proof. We provide a quiet, introspective landscape. “If I believe that happened to her, then I believe it as an option for me” during that time when we are too emotional to receive messages, or our loved one is not able to send one for whatever reason. And, I’ve found, whenever we reach that plateau truly and not artificially, messages begin to be transmitted and/or received. But just as some people are better at hearing musical tones, or better at discerning colors on the spectrum, you may need help understanding the message or even getting it initially. We can be trained in how to recognize a bassoon’s notes in a symphony production, for example, though separating out one instrument from all the noise in the room doesn’t come to us naturally. Unfortunately, there is no educational degree like “MD” to identify people more attuned, but they do exist — and so do fakes who can drain a bank account quickly based on your emotional dependence on them and a few hints you have unwittingly delivered that they capitalize on. My advice is to find comfort in your beliefs alone at this juncture, and to know that you are still connected to them. Then, when you least expect it, I believe you will find the door you are seeking or hear the knock.

    • My daughter was murdered too. I am so sorry. I am not OK either. One thing I do know is that all the energy that was our little girls did not disappear. They are beautiful and in the moment they dies they sis not cease. They went somewhere and in the words of another parent who lost their child – One day we will wake up from this nightmare and be reunited with our loved ones,

      • I catch myself thinking the exact same thing. ..I pray I will see my son again again hapay and alives

      • It’s raining today and those thoughts of not wanting to be in this world anymore are so strong – but I cannot leave as I have someone else that needs me – but my heart is broken into pieces and life just makes no sense – hope everyone here is doing ok today

      • Thank you Jan, and all others on this site. I found it 5 years ago when my son died (Yes, I didn’t “Lose” him, I know where he is). Just turned 13. As all of you can understand, the loss will never heal. The best I can do is to live with the scar.

        However, something amazing happened to me last night. I watched a video of the first few months of his life. For the first time, instead of crying I found myself smiling! This is a first for me!!! I am beginning to remember the joy he gave me in life, and am finding it again.

        I hope all of you get to feel that again. Though our children died, they are amazing and live on in us, as long as we can find the strength to get through this (We never get OVER it).

        I think of all of you and wish so much you did not have to share the grief we all are going through. Please find the strength to hang in there. I can’t help but believe our children would want that for us.

      • Richard your words always touch my heart deeply. Thank you for sharing with me this journey which we all wish we didn’t share – you give me strength when I have none – Jan

      • Just continue to breathe. Life dealt us a hand no one should have. I lost my daughter in a horrible car accident 1 1/2 years ago. My granddaughter was left with no parents. She will need me so she knows her mother and father. My work here on earth is not done yet. It’s unbearable at times, but the best tribute to her is giving her daughter a good life and sharing memories. Breathe, get strong and find your meaning to help others who need you.

      • Tony, thanks for your kind words and your strength. I am trying to want to live every day but it just doesn’t seem to change how I feel – I just cannot seem to pull myself out right now and all I do is cry and ache – I will continue for the others who need me but my love for life is gone and will never return. I hate who I have become – depressed, sad, guilty, fat, lazy – just not me anymore. I will try and do what you suggest – thanks

      • You will never be the old you again. That I know. You said you can’t seem to pull yourself out. Maybe that is the issue. Don’t try to pull yourself out by yourself. Allow yourself to get additional help. Lean on friends and family and don’t hide your feelings.get some help. Don’t walk this path alone. It is too difficult. It will take time. Don’t expect overnight fixes. It will take time. But start now. Even if you don’t have the strength. Force yourself. Believe me. I’ve walked your path. Remind yourself constantly, “You are needed here”.

      • Very well put Tony. This is not something we “get over”. The best we can do is “get through”. As you say, there are no quick fixes.

      • How do i get strong – i hear it a lot and wish I could but somehow just cannot find anything to want to keep me here wthout my little girl – i mean I know i should but honestly just not sure how to do that – i feel like i am being selfish in my grief and letting other people down – any advice?

    • Oh my how many times I have thought the same thing! I wonder why I don’t get some answers, too.

      • I am 69. I lost my beautiful daughter, Kim, died 6 mon. ago, Nov.11, 2015, to a rare, fatal disease. She was a Reg. Nurse 18 yrs. from age 20 & she knew for 13 yrs. before she died. No one told me, but, I left my job 4 years ago, knowing something cwas wrong. After fighting for her life, I helped @ her home, stayed overnight at the hospital, her husband & I honored her wish to fight to live……she died in all our arms. My 2 other adult daughters w/ children, don’t get why I am grieving so deeply.. Kim had 2 sons (in H,S. & College).I love them- they’re part of her. I’ve tried to cook & just be a Grandma once or twice a week. The harder I try the worse I get. I cry every day! My psychiatrist said that parents of children whose death with many traumatic events, are more likely to suffer symptoms oft trauma, or reliving their childs illnesses or death. Yes my faith is shaken. My professional help once a wk. just didn’t connect with me.

      • God bless you, Melody! I know your pain, and I, as well as others, feel your loss and hope you are doing a little better. May peace and love be with you. Continue to do the positive things you are doing. I know life feels like it’s climbing a mountain each day yet barely making any distance most days. I had an added loss a few weeks ago to add to the pain of losing my daughter. My mother passed away from a pulminary embolism. She died in her sleep and it was completely unexpected. I miss her so badly and cry so much lately. I need to go to grief sessions or something. Loss is all around me it seems. After losing my child, it felt like my mother would always be with me. What was I thinking? Now I long for her, too, just her smile and her unconditional love. I feel like in all my sadness of losing my daughter that maybe I could have been there for my mom a bit more than I was. That part is hurting me badly. I know she knows I love her but that peace inside me isn’t there yet. There is nothing like a mother’s love and my heart misses her so much. My other little girl just turned 13. She is now older than my oldest daughter when she died at 12. I have been very conscious of trying to let her know everyday how special she is and how precious she is to me. She means the world to me. I hope my mother knew I felt the same for her. I thought no death could affect me like this after losing a child but I discovered I was wrong. My heart is broken again, just in a different way. No one will ever love me like my mom did and I’m going to miss that kind of love.

        May God bless you and heal your heart. Life is precious. I know you are so loved and those grandchildren think so lovingly of you. My girl just cried her eyes put about 4 weeks after my mom passed. It hurt her deeply. Thosee grandsons of yours love you so deeply. You are doing a much better job than you realize. This is something in life that we NEVER prepare for…I feel so blessed that you would share your feelings with me and everyone. I send you hugs with my love, along with a prayer to help us both cope while we continue to love those who still need us who are also precious to us while we move through our inexpressible pain.

  7. Rae: your story made me cry. I’m so sorry. To lend additional credence to what Jody has said, though: I have found, as my grief has waned from those horrible first few months, that I can feel my daughter close-by quite frequently now. As first, she would only appear in dreams, and then so acutely that it would upset me terribly. Now, she is a companion, a mature spirit who sometimes walks by my side and who gives my heart tremendous peace. I don’t “see” or “hear” her in any sense that we think of those words in life, but rather, I simply feel the presence of her spirit. And it’s not a “woo-woo” ghost-type of thing. Just a calmness and a profound sense of love. I hope your experience is similar.

    Hang in there. It gets better. My heart reaches out to yours.

  8. My son killed himself and now i want to die

    • Juliena, I understand. Your feeling is quite understandable. This, however, is my response: As you said in your other comment in the Anew section, live moment by moment for now, even without enthusiasm or desire. Dying may or may not release our pain — I’m not that wise to know this answer — but I know it shifts our burdens to those remaining, just as your son’s pain may or may not be present now in his plane of existence, but his pain doubled when it was shifted to you. Every action causes a reaction. Now is the time to not react, but to just be, moment by moment, until you can live hour by hour, and then day by day. It will happen, and this is not an abandonment of your child, when it does happen, or of your love for your son. It simple is survival. And then, eventually, a laugh. And after your guilt over that, a joy brought to you by another loved one. You can live, moment by moment. Thank you for reaching out to talk to me; I am here and reaching back to hold your hand and pull you, ever so slightly, a little bit back from the edge. We are here for you, this community. Tell us about your son.

      • Whenever I hurt so bad that I literally have to ask Jesus to help me, I get in my spirit – you will get thru by taking it one day at a time and that is all I can do, sometimes it’s minute to minute and other times I make it a couple days without feeling hopeless to the pain of losing my son.

  9. Dear Juliena, please never feel alone because there are others out there who understand the dreadful dreadful pain, grief and isolation you are going through.

    Our beloved son took his own life in April, 2011. It was sudden and traumatic and almost broke me. At the time I felt the same way as you do but what stopped me was the thought of the pain the people left behind me would feel. There are people around me who are also devastated and I just couldn’t bear to make it worse for them. It has been very hard to go on but I think that while I am alive my son still lives on because part of him still lives on within me. I want to live for him; I want to do good things in his name; I want to make a difference and attribute it to him.

    My younger son set up a website in memory of his brother and it gives me a lot of comfort to see the tributes and realise that my son lives on in the memories of so many people. Things like the replies from this website comfort me and help me to go on living. I sincerely hope you find the strength within you to go on living too, because people do understand, and they do care.

  10. I lost my 9 yr old daughter suddenly on jan 15,2012. so many unanswered questions. What happened to her, why…Whether she will come back to me. people say have a positive thinking now. How can i do that. Wld I ever be able to have the feeling of contenment and joy ever. My brain is full of questions all the time. At times I feel i wld go crazy.. so helpless

    • I understand your message. And your feelings. Helpless. That is a very deep hole and it is like a dark and deep well without many handholds to help you climb out. I am reaching out my hand to you with this message; you will have the feeling of contentment and joy again. It will not be the same, but it will be. You will, in the future, laugh without guilt, understanding you are not denying your daughter or your love for her by “indulging” in laughter. Laughter and joy are as important to life as air and water. Love is the connection, and I recently attended a fantastic conference with the great thinkers about existence after death of the body that I’ll be writing about later this week, including a session with the great Dr. Raymond Moody, who coined the phrase in the 1970s of “Near Death Experience.” I will write for you later this week; watch for it because this is another handhold in that well. It may help propel you up an inch, a yard, or maybe to a point where you can again feel sunshine on your face. They are not “gone” — this is what great scientific minds are telling us. This was not a “new age” or “weird” group — this was hosted by Promega, with the best research scientists in this field from across the world. I went both days and met with them individually between sessions, to bring the most current information back to parents like us… searching for the connection, unwilling to just “move on” without them. Listen to your heart and you will know the truth. We are still connected. As I’ll share in this next week.

  11. My daughter died Feb. 29, 2012, I was a 24/7 caregiver all her life except the years I worked. I took retirement 12 years prior to her death to take care of her fulltime. She had so many hospital stays, sugeries, procedures, etc.. I just want her back eventhough I know she does not need to come back to pain. I miss her so much. She was spiritual in her own little mind. She was 26 yrs old and special needs as well as muliple medical problems. I have tried to maintain purpose, faith, etc. but I miss her so much that my life is very empty and seeing no worth eventhough I know I have worth. I just cannot get over her. I cry so much.

  12. My daughter died recently. I was a 24/7 caregiver. I have moments I want her back but know it is not appropriate; however, I miss her so much. I feel empty, futile, and no purpose eventhough I am trying.

    • I feel the same way. My situation was simular. It’s been 3 years since I lost my daughter, my sunshine, my life. I have as much pain today as I did the day she passed!

  13. I am so sorry for your loss, I understand and feel for you. I lost my son june 30 2012, he was 30 years old, single and my only child. I know he didn’t have to die, I know I could safe him. He was my life, everything what I did in life was for him. I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM. There is no purpose . no, I will not kill myself because I have husband(not his father) and my mom, and I don’t want to put them trough what I am going now.
    But I am useless, I can’t clean my house, cook… I even have hard time to comb my hair. I don’t leave my house, because I do not like seeing children-make me sad,I DONT HAVE MY CHILD. I am scared of the coming holidays,what about if my steep children will com to visit, how will I stop crying for not having my son. My existence now is only that-existence, because I died the day my son died.

    • Me too! Lost my only child 10 months ago. Have no motivation to do ANYTHING! I can’t stand seeing other kids and their lucky parents either! How could this nightmare have happened? My son was only 18 and murdered by a supposed “friend” he only knew for 6-8 weeks we guess because of jealousy. I simply can’t bear this pain! I want to rip my heart out and die. I want to run and never stop because the pain won’t stop hounding me! I’m sorry you have to endure this too! 💔😰

  14. I had a family when I was a child: no siblings, but a full set of parents. My parents were with me into their ‘eighties. So I still had a family when I left my husband: I had my parents and my darling son. When my parents died, I had my darling son, so I still had a family. We dined out together often, we took some holidays together, we spent Christmas and birthdays together.

    My beautiful, brilliant, charming son died suddenly and totally unexpectedly a day after his 37th birthday. Now I have no family. I have instead a grief worker who visits once a week, and two internet support forums. So seriously, why should I live, a miserable freak without a family? Certainly, I have no answer.

    • Sophie,
      First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. So very sorry for the heartbreak you are feeling.

      I was raised in a family with siblings. I had two brothers, to whom I was very close. A few years ago, my brother froze to death during a diabetic coma in the winter, after collapsing in a marsh. He was saved, miraculously, though the doctors advised against the process. Over the next six months, he developed strokes, had heart failure, lost kidney function, and developed gangrene and finally, thankfully, died. More recently, in April, I got an early morning call from a hospital in Missouri wanting to know if they could remove my other brother from life support. Though young (50), he had suffered a massive brain bleed. I didn’t even know he was in the hospital until they called me, as he had no other family and we were close. My mother died at age 66 of cancer. My father died at 60 of cancer. My grandmother died at 58 of heart attacks, after which my grandfather hung himself in grief a couple years later. All of that after my son died.

      Though my childhood family is now all dead, I admittedly am fortunate that I have two daughters, a son, and a husband — yes I am very fortunate — but they do not take the place of the ones I loved who are gone. The ones I miss every day.

      You are not a freak, and you know that in your heart. Every day people are made orphans or become divorced and have no children. You are in good company in your solitude but it does not make it easier to bear – the holidays, the birthday, the quiet moments together. Having someone to call when something special happens.

      You do not mention any friends. In your grief, you are not imagining creating a family of friends, and indeed, they will never take your son’s place. But it is a reason to continue your journey and to remember him and share his story and his picture and his memories. I wish I had something more to offer you, but all I have is the truth. And the truth is that we are in this together, too, and you are not alone in that. Talk to me any time and I will, god willing, be here for you, too.

    • I share your pain. My son was the light of my life. I feel such intent guilt because I was undergoing 3 surgeries for breast cancer, then reconstruction, and my son, who was always a wonderful, honest, supportive son, was dealing with a drug addiction. After being wounded in Navy basic training, and having his femur replaced by a titanium rod and hardware, he suffered a lot of pain and was prescribed narcotic pain killers. And after leaving Great Lakes, he was awarded an honorable discharge, VA veteran status, and guaranteed a lifetime of private medical care, he attended community college. Although extremely bright, he was easily distracted, and started taking Adderall in Community College. Of course, he graduated with honors, then signed up for McDaniel, one of the best private colleges in Maryland. He loved the school, with its emphasis upon liberal arts (he was a huge fan of music), although he had the opportunity to study Business Management. I can still remembering his eyes twinkling as he discussed his classes excitedly. He and I bonded so wonderfully over these discussions of classes and professors, and I was sooooo proud of my handsome, intelligent, kind, loving son. Of course, he aced his classes, and wanted to spend his Sr. year in Europe. Although he was older than most students, and studying school with his VA benefits, there was some reticence by his advisor about allowing him to go to Budapest to study. But after the 3rd visit that my son made to his advisor (in his typical, tenacious manner, he knew what he wanted and deserved, and when he set about to do something, he was all action – she didn’t stand a chance), she allowed him to go, because she told him that if said “no” he would be back at her door asking the same question a few days later. He smiled and assured her that she was correct, and he asked me if he thought that he should study in Europe. My thoughts were, of course, he’s lucky to be attending this school on a VA scholarship, so how the heck are they going to allow him to go to Budapest. When I said, yes, I thought that he should go, but how could he possibly go, he told me that he was already granted permission. That was just the way he was. Through all of his pain, emotional and physical, he was so strong, for himself, for me, for his sisters and friends. And he spent his Sr. year in Budapest, traveling throughout Europe. His facebook page reflected all of the beauty of Europe and the joy of making new friends. But also a lot of partying. I was concerned, but figured that he was just enjoying normal, college life, and it was just a phase. In the back of my mind, I worried about the pain meds and adderal, but shook off the worries, and thought instead of the pride and the joy that my son, who deserved so much joy, must certainly be experiencing. When I picked him up from the Airport, after his last semester, he looked so Euro-cool, with a black leather jacket, holey jeans, sweater, and sunglasses on his head, slouching with his hand in his pocket and his backpack slung across his back. I was so proud of my world traveler. And then in the parking lot, he told me that he tried to commit suicide in Budapest again, that in spite of the photos he missed home and his girlfriend, seeing the pictures of him partying with other girls, broke their relationship off. Although she always seemed more in love with him, than he with her, I think that he reconsidered his feelings when he missed her, and was devastated. Dan told me that the level of partying (drinking and recreational drug use) was much more accepted among the youth of Europe, and he became lost in that world, but still managed to maintain excellent grades. He had attempted suicide in the past (when he was 16), and I was so sad to hear his pain of being in a hospital, alone in Hungary. I asked him why he didn’t call me, and he said that he didn’t think that I could afford to fly to Europe. I would have given anything to be there for my son.
      When he came home, he was trying to find a job, reunited with his friends, and finally his father told him for the very first time – that he was proud of Dan. He was 27 years old.
      Soon afterward, I discovered that I had breast cancer, and my marriage ended. And I am so sad that I added to my son’s pain. In his addictive state, he was a different person, and my loving, caring son began to steal my prescriptions. I called the VA, drug counseling centers, spoke to therapists, and attended al-anon. After going to the hospital and to my primary care doctor for refills, I began to be questioned and subject to suspicion, although I told them about my son’s problem. I was told that I had to report any future thefts to the police, which I could not do to my son. Finally, I picked him up from work one night, and he began to shake me down for my prescriptions. I became distracted while we were arguing, and was involved in a car accident. My car was towed, and my son called his new girlfriend, then left me at the scene of the accident, with the police ready to impound my car, leaving me no way to get home. This was not my wonderful son. And he wanted to move into my studio apartment with me. Because we were arguing so badly, he was not working steadily, and I was afraid that he would take the medicine that I needed so badly while I was dealing with breast cancer, I said no. And although my therapist, family and friends, told me that I was doing the right thing for myself and for Dan, I feel as if I let my son down. I was told that sometimes someone has to fall flat on their face before they can realize the magnitude of their problem and seek help. So I let go. And it was horrible. My son began to seek counseling through the VA, but turned to his abusive Father. He healed, but relapsed, then refound himself, and moved to Philadelphia, with a new job and new life.

      I kept calling him and leaving messages, but he barely spoke to me. And I didn’t find out that he moved to Philadelphia until November 2014.

      On Christmas eve, 2014, I received a call from my two daughters. They simply told me “Dan is gone”. I will never forget the horrible moment. My beautiful, sweet, handsome son was gone. He was found in his apartment, dead, by a friend, with his backpack packed and his train ticked tucked in the front compartment. His friends reported that that same day, he seemed happy and excited about returning home for Christmas. We didn’t know if his heart gave out, our what happened to our son. His friends attended his viewing and spoke of his kindness, his generosity, his love of music. His love for his family and for his friends. Dan only had one evening of viewing. And his beautiful, thick black hair was slicked down. He was dressed in his favorite zip up sweater, but he was already gone. My beautiful son was gone. And although his friends from the time he was five years old, his new friends, his friends parents, attended and told stories of Dan, the whole thing didn’t seem real. My son would call me when his friends’ parents lost jobs to ask for career contacts, he would call me when his friends needed help for advice on how to help them, he spoke of his friends as if they were his own children, of their accomplishments, overcoming hardships, their girlfriends. He lent money to even his wealthy friends, then complained of not being repaid, worried about his beloved 4 sisters, praising them for their beauty, intelligence, abilities and personalities, and worried about everyone. Dan loved music and culture, and he wanted a family and children. He told me the year prior to his death that he wanted to find a woman who had a wonderful personality and was intelligent, and was no longer as focused upon looks as he had been when he was younger, because he realized that this woman would be the mother of his children.

      So now my son, who deserved so much goodness in return for his own good heart, is gone. And although I confessed to be a Christian, I wonder how a good God could take such a beloved human being. My son made life better for others. He was a good heart. And Dan was gone, with no explanation at the time of his death, just a statement from the police that there was no evidence of foul play. So now there is just an empty space in my heart where my beautiful son should be. And nothing will ever, ever be the same. I was and am so very proud of him. And I love him so much and I am so sorry of my shortcomings of a Mother because of my divorce. I had to work extra hours to meet the bills, and made decisions based on the advice of counselors for my children and I to survive, but the pain that I had encountered changed me, and I will never forgive myself that I couldn’t have saved him.

      Christmas eve is coming, and I wonder how I will get through it. I was starting to feel better in the past few months, but now the thought of my son, sitting alone in an apartment and dying – was he scared, was he in pain? Why I couldn’t I be there, his Mom, to save him. After all, that was my job, and out of every human being, I have known him the longest. I remember speaking to him in my womb. Calling him “Little Oscar”, how peaceful he was in my womb, what a delightful, peaceful baby he had been, how he asked questions about God and Jesus when he was five years old, how at 7, when his teammate mistakenly scored a goal for the opposing team, while the other kids jeered and laughed, Dan walked up to him, put his arm around him, and said “That’s okay, buddy. We all mistakes”. He was such a gift, and it seems so ironic that he was taken at Christmas. At his casket, his father only said “You know, he had no assets”. And I realized how much his Dad had missed it all. Instead of talking about our wonderful son, he talked about his worth in terms of money. And Dan was just priceless.

      I wish that I could have him back. I wish that I could go back and save him, to be at that apartment when he needed me. To stop him from turning to someone who would hurt him. To protect him again.

      • Hi Diana, it took me quite a while to find your post on this website as it doesn’t have a consecutive format-really confusing for everyone here. I wish the webmaster would fix this huge glitch. Thankfully your post came to my email.

        I just want to say how much your story of your son has touched me and how my heart goes out to you. It’s so sad that this happened during a time in your life when everything was going haywire. We want to go back and see things clearly and redo every moment and do everything right with our 20:20 hindsight. I’m so glad your told your story and am honored to know about your beautiful, smart, loving son who obviously loved you so much. I know you tried your best and so does he. It’s hard to deal with anyone on drugs, but especially one’s own child, and you did your very best.

        This Christmas Eve try to give comfort to yourself as you know he would do and pamper yourself. Open the door and let his sweet spirit come in and comfort you and feel him near to you. He is still and will always be with you.
        Love and hugs, Holly

    • I’m so sorry! I have my husband but he is broken beyond repair and hardly ever home. Feel alone too. I’m so sorry!

  15. I lost my sweet son on January 7th, 2013…To a drug overdose !! I will cut to the chase….let us all fight this terrible epidemic together…Strength is in
    numbers….We can do this together!! It must stop

    • Rebecca, I lost my son to drug overdose in January, 2012. He took prescription drugs and had no clue what he was doing but being 20, thought he knew exactly. He was young and in his mind invincible. It is a life of torment and of split personality for me for about a year now. I am the one going to work and functioning adequately and the one who cannot wait for her death when in private. I do not plan a suicide – I still have younger children. So I remain

      • Sophie, mine was right before yours 11/30/ 2011 same thing he was 22 good grief why did they put us through this torture.

      • I feel the same way I know in my heart my daughter would have never meant to hang herself it was the alcohol I tried to watch it and lived in fear daily every time she was home late or didn’t answer my call but I never thought she would hang herself in our home. I am going through the motions of living and I have to for my two sons but it’s so very hard.

    • I am so sorry, I pray God will give you some peace. I lost my son Paul he was 32 on Oct 24,2012, It has been 4 monts and I dont know what to do everyday without him. He committed suicide. I am sorry, I really wanted to just say how sorry I am, I know the pain and its too much to handle at times. I will pray for you and your son as well.

    • I just recently lost my 18 yr son to an overdose,,,,,it’s only been 7weeks,, I cry as I read these post but I’m so glad to have found the site,,, I wonder daily how I will go on. I do feel my soul left along with him. It’s so hard to get up so hard to do anything…. I just don’t know , I’m lost,

    • Feburary 18, 2013 I lost my precious son to an overdose.
      I have been reading this site for several months and because I cant sleep it is often my life line. To those of you who’s posts I just read, I am so sorry for your loss!! To loose a son….to an overdose….the loss is staggering. I pray for each of you by name. That God is His great mercy will hold us all tightly. Protect us and the calm us in the moments we know we are about to shatter. The pain I feel each day is physical and sickening. I know only one thing for sure….The God who loves me will not leave me! There are times I scream “so this was the plan? This is all you’ve got? That my baby died at 28?” That same God I scream at wraps my soul in love so that I dont loose my mind. For each mom who reads this…….this mothers broken heart is praying for you.
      Rebecca, I agree and yes, we are on the front lines of fighting a good fight against drugs.

      • I lost my son just a year before – February 23rd, 2012, to an overdose. My blog is our story; it’s at if you’d like to look. I am so heartbroken; but I don’t have to tell any of you, we’re all suffering the same. And at some point, there comes sorrowful comfort that we’re in this together.

        So sorry for your loss; for all of us. There’s a special kind of hell for parents who lose their kids. May we find the other side of it.

      • Thank you sharing and you echo my thoughts. My lovely child was just 26 when he died nearly 4weeks ago.(accidental overdose) I too have been trying to understand how my son’s death could be part of God’s loving plan.I Grieve the most as I don’t know about seeing him again..everyday I hurt and cry.

      • Michelle, I lost my only child Matthew February 7, 2013. I felt the way you do when he died, but then I realized that Matthew would not want me to join him. He would want me to stay here and carry on and try to be happy. I realized that cashing in and giving up would be the selfish thing to do. There are still times that I want to die, but I have to tell myself that Matthew would be very disappointed if I hurt myself in any way. I believe that God will reunite us again. I know that God exists, and I know that it would be wrong to end my life. When I feel overwhelmed I pray and God gives me comfort. I pray that God will help you find peace!

    • Rebecca. I’m so sorry. I lost my son 1/13/13 to a drug overdose. The pain is unreal. He was 23 1/2. _He was my life. And yes, it is an epidemic. we just lost another this past week. Heartbreaking.

      • In reading all of these posts i just keep wondering why it seems we have lost soooo many sons to drugs. I dont get it i never will understand why they even start that crap. Mine overdosed at 22 Nov 30,2011 the day he got out of 3rd rehab which i dont think helped any. Why ? 9 of10 are our sons. Are they lost,peer pressure i still will wonder for the rest of my life. He had a good home, was smart,good looking ……. i will have to ask him when i see him !!!!!!!

      • I catch myself thinking the exact same thing. ..I pray I will see my son again again happy and alive in heaven…My son I believe was involved in foul play…It haunts me day and night….

  16. I feel like its hard 4 me 2 deal with things n I am with drawn from a lot ov things I use 2 won’t 2 do” I miss my son deeply n he would ov been 21 this year” y am I feeling that things r not getting easier ” my so died coming up 2 4 year ago” he was only 16 n died in a car crash” I just feel so empty in side” I feel like I died with him

  17. To Joy and everyone, my beautful daughter amelia committed suicide on dec 13 2012 aged 20 it so hard to carry on with life, her family friends and myself are so devastated with her loss as she was such a lovely daughter, i can see how other parents feel as well

    • Dear CAroline,
      I wish I could just give you a hug, I feel so terrible for you. I know the pain and I would give anything to have my baby back. I can only say I will pray for you and your daughter., I cry everyday, I pray and I am about to go crazy trying to find a reason, I dont understand how this could happen. I lost my husband when he was 37 yrs old that was 17 yrs ago and I just went into shock when I lost Paul, I thought God would never take him from me, I have lived in hell for so long after my husband and now I truely know what hell is. I can not say anything that will help except do what you need to do to get through this there are no rules because this is not how it is supposed to be, a child going before a mother. My son was a wonderful, kind sweet man he had just graduated from College with homors and then in 1 sec he is gone. I only think 1 min at a time, I can not think beyond that because I get scared to think I will not see his face, hug him or hear him again. Only a mother can know this pain, my two other kids seem to be over it and Im so mad at them for that. He was my youngest and he was my best friend, a Mommas boy. I miss him so much and I know you will miss your beautiful child too, she I know is with you. I believe when we go our soul is free and safe and with us. I know in my heart we will see our kids again, I know that. I try very hard to hold on to that. Be good to yourself, dont worrya bout others at this time, take care of you.
      Go to Amazon and look up things on the afterlife, it is comforting to think they are there in heaven waiting for us. I read non stop now,.God Bless You
      Luv Joy

      • Joy thank you so much for your reply xx caroline

    • I lost my son May 20, 2007 and Daughter November 14, 2010. I know that pain all to well I was in a state of shock at both times. My mother passed away in August 16, 2007 and my Brother passed away in September 15, 2008. Yes, I am pretty much a basket case. But I have a daughter I have to stay strong for. I think most people who have not experienced the loss of a child can not ever fully understand what you are going through. I know for me it has been a difficult road and there are good and bad days. I just allow myself to feel what I do at the moment without guilt, just let go because it is what it is…and for those who do not understand there should be no explanations. It is your loss, your pain and your future. You hold the key to open which door you choose…

      • I am so sorry for all your loses. You are so brave and strong, I lost my pecious son to suicide on Oct 24, 2012, he was 32 and I can barely get out of my house. I want to be strong but I just cant, makes me feel bad for being a baby after hearing your loss, I pray your life becomes easier and full of happiness and love. PLease take Care

  18. My son, killed by a drunk driver with 7 prior DUI’s. I do not want, know how to live now. I have a duaghter also….I don’t know what to do. I want to get sick and die instantly or have an accident so it isn’t suicide.

    • Diane, I am so sorry for your loss. How old was your son, how old is your daughter? Tell us about your son?

    • Diane, I am also so sorry to hear about your loss. I too felt the same way. Just over 2 years ago my son (Who just turned 13) died in our home. Had a siezure, hit his head on the sink and died.

      I had lost my first wife to cancer. Just 6 weeks after our son was born, they found her loaded with it (She was just 23). They gave her 6 months to live, but she went through 14 major surgeries and lived 3 years (Wanted to be with our son). I thought that was bad, but losing my son was much worse.

      After he died, I also wanted to die. I was far more afraid of living in pain than dying. I also thought about how easy it would be to simply swerve off the road and crash into a tree. Anything to stop the pain.

      However, I also had my wife and 12yr old daughter to think about. They were both suffering from our loss as well. I couldn’t bear the thought of causing them more pain. In a way, I felt angry that I had to endure for them.

      It has been over 2 years now. I will NEVER get over the death of my son. The best I can do is to simply get through it.

      I miss him every day. Though his path through life was short, I am glad I got to walk him through it. He will always hold a special place in my heart.

      I am sure your son will always hold a special place in your heart. They were supposed to be our legacy. However, fate has made it so that WE are their legacy instead. Let’s try to make them proud!

  19. It has been 28 years since my 14 year old daughter was killed by a drunk driver and when I read the posts by other parents it brings me back to the most difficult and challenging times of my life when I first had to learn to live with out her and I did want to kill myself because nothing short of her return would make me feel better which was not going to happen and I had an infant son at the time and I could not do it to them- All these years later after experiencing grief that I thought would kill me at times from the pain- I somehow with support and forcing myself out of bed each day made it through- what I do know now that though I miss my daughter and think of her everyday I am also able to live my life to the fullest now and do- knowing life is such a precious gift- it was the 10 year mark that I woke up one day and knew I was going to survive this- and you will too which is why I wanted to post this. As I do not know how but I survived this and you will all too and life will have a new meaning and you will come to the understanding that as long as we are alive we have options- this has helped me through some pretty dark times.

  20. A couple days after my son died, I was driving and I was thinking, “I’m done. I am DONE. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to do it. I’ve had it.” And then I heard my son. He said, “Mom, it doesn’t work that way. You have to find the joy.” And I knew what he meant was that killing myself would change nothing; I have to work out what I have to work where I am. Then he asked me if I wanted to take the way I was feeling right then and give it to Natalie (my daughter) because if she lost me like that, what would her life be? A life of, “Why wasn’t I enough for my mom?” And then I had a vision of sort of passing over, of standing next to Philip and looking at Natalie and grieving for her.

    This all happened in about thirty seconds. The point is I understood that suicide would change nothing for me and everything for those who loved me, even though their love didn’t seem to matter because I felt nothing but a grief I refused to think I could live with. But I am a mother and I had two children. One is dead and one needs me. I felt trapped at that moment; but Philip was right. There is a bigger picture, one we don’t see. I focus on my daughter, and my work is to make meaning in this life. Not one meaning, but meaning every day. There is so much work to do in the face of death; emotional, mental, spiritual. It’s exhausting sometimes. Come home, I want to say; it’s enough. I’ve been working really hard. Please – I’m tired and it’s time for you to come home.

    But that’s not going to happen. So the question remains, “What do I do with the life I’ve been given?” We are all each accountable.

    • Denise, I actually know what you are going through. Just 2 years ago, I lost my son Kollin (He just turned 13). Fell down in the bathroom, hit his head on the sink and died. Tried to CPR, but failed.

      I was so filled with grief. I also wanted to die. Suicide seemed easier than living with this grief.

      However, I also had a daughter (Just 1 year younger than Kollin). I did not bring her into this world in order to abandon her. I had to find the strength to hold on (If not for me, than for her). She was also filled with grief. He was her big brother. The day he died, he told me how kids were picking on her on the bus. He wanted me to tell him how to help her (It was Friday). Told him to let me know if this continued on Monday. However, he died that night. She no longer had her brother there to watch after her.

      I could not bear to also abandon her. We must find the strength to go on. I am so sorry for your loss. This is not something we will EVER get over. Instead, we must find the strength to simply get THROUGH it.

      Please, remember, your daughter needs you. Don’t add to her loss. We brought them into this world and must be there for them.

      Let us both hang in there and be there to love the child we still have. They need us!

  21. Yes, they do. It’s so hard; I’m always close to tears when I’m not actually crying them.

  22. My daughter, too, died by suicide…July 1, 2011. I have her face in my mind and the pain this is the only way I will ever see her face….

    • Grace, I went to the river to the train tressel awaiting that whistle that would eliminate my suffering following my daughter’s death. Three cop cars found me, one by one, and I am still here. I was here to help my dearest friend in her death with cancer. I also am in jail ministry. I am glad I did not die.

  23. It’s been 25 years since my teenage daughter Cheri was killed by a drunk driver and I so remember lying in bed about 3 months after planning my death- because it was the only way to rid the intense pain that I could not live with- or so I thought. I too had a 3 month old baby and I knew I could not leave him- he saved my life- I never ever thought that life could be good and I would have peace again- The pain changed me and I never go through a day not thinking about her but it is now like I carry her in my heart and her legacy lives on through me. I will always wish my daughter was here with me but my reason for replying is to let you know in your early grief death seems easier and it seems impossible to think we could ever have a good life after such tragedy- I don’t know how it happens but it did for me around the 10 year mark I woke up feeling myself again instead of waking and being overwhelmed with grief and though my life is different it has meaning and is good- so ladies please hang on even when you don’t think you can- because when and how it happens you heal enough to move forward and live your life. When I look back I can not imagine I survived this because I can tell you I did not want to and I had to find a new reason for living and purpose as I questioned the meaning of life and could not live with such pain- but I did and I hope for you your journey through grief heals you.


  24. there is now no point in life. living without them is just too much

    • Sue, there is a point. You can do this a minute at a time when you can’t do it day by day. There is a point. REACH out. We are here. Thank you for writing now. We hear you in your pain. Tell us what happened.

  25. I lost my only daughter. She was 14. It will be 4 years in October. It gets worse. My life has no aims anymore.

    • Patricia, I can hear how hopeless and helpless you feel. And it is those two words which define clinical depression. Have you talked to a professional to help you through this? I don’t just mean with happy pills, as those don’t exist, but traumatic events can and do change brain wiring and a two-dimension approach with whatever chemical support can help with that, as well as counseling to help you recapture a sense of purpose and an ability to her with you into the future, in a different way, is critical to being able to have an authentic life again. It doesn’t matter if it is a day or a decade, people grieve at different rates and we can get stuck and swallowed by grief as well. What happened to your daughter? Share your story with us and let us help around the fringes while you consider, I hope, a more immediately close helper in your area. What was her name and what was she like?

      • Dear friend, she had a “sudden” death. I mean, it was a perverse bacteria hidden in her lungs and we didn’t have a clue. She started getting worse one day, with a strange fever, and in two days, she wasn’t here, between us, anymore. The strange is, she was so ok, so full of life, and from night to day she started to get worse, a fever, vomit, and even so, at the begging, the doctors considered a flu. But it was a bronco pneumonia, according to them, because of the result. To get sure, they needed further exams, but I didn’t want anyone touching the body I carried and love as if it were frightened me…so I didn’t want to and accepted their conclusion as everything pointed to it…since then, I don’t live anymore…I’m a shadow of myself…I mean, I have a job, everything, but I can’t stand…I went to many psychologists but I think the problem is mine…now I’m going to a psychiatrist, not taking “happy pills”, but I’d say, “Walking pills”, to go to work, eat…because the pain is the same. I tried suicide already. I live with my parents now, they’re 68,and don’t want me to live alone, but as I know I will get alone again, I want to leave, but they are very concerned, my mom’s blood pressure gets high, specially because she helped me to raise my child while I worked, Caroline was her life. I live in Brazil. Thanks for the attention and sorry for not answering earlier. Fortunately, we learn English at school here so I can talk to you…it’s so hard to carry this alone…we have other forums in Brazil but I’m in American ones too. Thanks for your attention, and I’ve just seen your message, as Richard’s. My life is a chaos.

    • Patrica, I know how you feel. You are not alone. My 13 year old son died 3 years ago this coming October. Fell in the bathroom and hit his head on the sink. This week would have been his 16th birthday. I still grieve for him. I will never get over his death. My best hope is to just get through it. I know he would want me to do that and I am sure your daughter would want the same.

      • I’m really sorry. I’ve just seen your comment. The question is… “Why?” But I will take your words with me. Thanks.

  26. It has been 8 years since my son died at 25. You don’t get over it, you learn to live with it. I cry many evenings before bed and think of the what if’s and might have been. But I am busy, have a full life and keep going. I know I will see him again. It’s just different and will never be the same. There is a hole inside of me.

  27. I think the sensible thing to do is stay in the moment. But I don’t. I keep thinking, “My life without my son? I can’t.” But I do, and that’s no comfort. I have to get up, to work, to take care of my daughter…she is what matters. The rest of it? What for? I think I’m worse lately, if there’s such a thing as measuring grief. And I keep talking and writing but all I want is to curl up in a little ball and cry.

  28. My son passed away many yrs ago but I carnt cope without him

  29. In the past five months since my beloved daughter and best friend Lindsay was murdered by her ex-boyfriend, two weeks before she was to graduate from university, I have perused many websites for bereaved parents. This is the first website and blog I have found that has actually given me a few comments to help me survive this without taking my own life. The original post from Jody talking about “adding to the grief in the world” really struck me about two days ago, and then reading posts from Richard, Persian Cat, Christine, and others about their experiences and their grieving and loss has also helped me.

    I came back to this site tonight to re-read Jody’s original comments and to read your stories. My daughter went to school in another city but we talked on the phone or texted about 3 or 4 times a day, and she came home often. She had overcome so much in her life due to other family issues only to be murdered so brutally and selfishly by her ex-boyfriend, who then took his own life. My daughter was a compassionate, gentle and selfless soul who had a vocation to help vulnerable people with intellectual and physical disabilities. So many of the families she worked with and the people who were dependent on her, as well as her young friends, have been so injured and traumatized by her death. It makes me so angry. I try to help her friends as much as I can. But I, like Richard, have sometimes felt angry that I have always been regarded as such a strong person by many people and my family, and that I have been told or expected to “get through this” when I at the moment cannot possibly envision a future without my daughter. I have also feel that I have been robbed of the grandchildren she and I dreamed and talked about sharing (whether she would have had any or not). Even being told that I must “get through this” for my other adult child and my husband (my daughter’s stepfather) makes me angry sometimes. All of a sudden, my free will has become extremely precious to me, even when it concerns a decision to go on or not. I have read that this is because of the inability to prevent her death, and the feeling that I, as her mother, should have somehow protected her, even when living in another city, having discussed the risk he posed with her so many times, having even called his parents a year ago to warn them about his behaviour and the risk he posed to my daughter and himself. Still, I realize when I read this site and Jody’s original item that so many of her friends would be even further traumatized if I were to harm myself, as they have shown how much they loved my daughter and want me to pull through.

    I am so sorry for everyone here on this site who has had to undergo what I am now experiencing. I just wanted you to know that each of you who has shared your story on this site has helped me, even if only to get through one more night. One moment, one step, one breath, one hour, one day, one night…

    • Alison, You intern are doing the same for another. That is how we all make it through. Thank you so much for sharing.

      • Thank you, Jody, for replying. I still think this blog and your articles are among the best I have found.

    • Alison, I am so sorry it has taken me so long to comment on your response. I can not even imagine the pain you must be feeling. My son died without any pain. Your daughter never deserved die the way she did!!!

      As i said before, we will NEVER get over this. The best we can do is to just jet though this. Our kids would NEVER want us to be destroyed by the life they gave to us. If we let this destroy us, we would not celebrate their life, but we would let their beauty and joy they privided us destroy us. That is not what they would want.

      Damn, I am crying now. My son Kollin died just over 2 years ago. His little sister still depends on me. How I hate that! I would have preferred to have died, but had others that still depended on me.

      I have to live on. He was to be my legacy. Now I am his. Please live on and be you daughter’s legacy. You represent her.

      We will NEVER get over the pain. The best we can do is just get through it. Please do so for her sake.

      • Thank you so much, m1v2e3m4b, for your reply, I am sorry that writing it made you cry for me, my lost daughter and your Kollin. I just want you to know that the time you took to reply to me, and the caring that it demonstrated, mean a lot to me, and I will remember what you said about representing my daughter now. I had a dream about her this week wherein she and I were sitting on the edge of my bed, looking into the mirror, side by side. Gradually, our faces began to dissolve into one another’s, intermingle and become as one. Then in the dream, my daughter said to me, “This is how it will be from now on, Mum.” So I think what you say is true, she will live on in me and I will ensure her legacy. Thank you so much for writing to me. It means the world. I am so sorry for your loss of Kollin too.

  30. The only thing keeping me here for awhile is my wife, which i love so much. She does not seem to understand without my son my life is over. I am working on my grand daughter, to help her go to school, and his almost wife so she could have money to pay for her living cost. See John was about to get threw school, he had such a good life to live. He just found out that he was going to get a baby girl, he was so happy, he even cried on my shoulder that was how happy he was. How i wanted to see something come from my living threw hell long story. I just wanted someone to get something out of my bad life. Well know its over without John i am lost. I did not get to see him get threw college, he was one week from getting his BACH in science, two weeks from getting his wife .Well they gave it to me at his funeral. My son was killed by sixteen year old driving a ton in half truck. My son was ridding down the road when this boy pulled out in front of him, john hit the front fender ,before the tire, and was killed. Now they want me to tell them a number what John was worth, i just do not have the hart anymore. I am going to do whats needed for the baby. Then after that i do not know anymore? I am a vet with so much pain, from me being hurt in the military. Know they say i have PTSD as well from the service , and know john as well. I have lived with this for to long, the pain is so bad in my lags , My bones are broken , my mind not here anymore, and know i have a broken hart to. Cant seem to sleep anymore, Cant eat nothing taste wright, life sure can throw you off. Going maybe i hear from you, if not i understand

  31. Dear Kevin, my heart aches for you and your family, without your John. I know the pain you feel losing your son just before he was to graduate. My daughter, too, was awarded her degree post-humously. I found a letter she wrote to me the night before she was murdered, in which she said she was so proud of herself for finally having “made it!” You can be so proud of John that he had succeeded in graduating. I know it is very bittersweet and painful, but you can be proud of his accomplishment and your baby granddaughter. My son may have a child some day, and I would not want that future grandchild’s legacy to be that I took my own life because I could not bear the loss of Lindsay. That is sometimes the thought that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. I am so sorry for the pain you are in. Your son would want to entrust his daughter to you, and he lives on in you and in her.

  32. I lost my only child February 7, 2013. For the first six months, I was walking around in a daze. I don’t have any pictures of him around the house because it’s too painful to look at them. He visited me on Christmas of 2012 and by February he was gone. I knew he was sick, but I didn’t know how sick he was. He promised me that he would see a doctor when he got back home, but he didn’t. He lived for three days in the hospital. He died of an accidental alcohol and drug overdose. I was able to tell him goodbye, but he was in a coma, so I don’t know if he heard me. His death was so devastating to me that I’m sure I would have killed myself if I weren’t a Christian. God is the only reason I’m alive today. There are times when I want to die, but when I start to feel that way, I have to remind myself that my son would want me to be happy and keep going. My mind tells me to keep going, but my heart says otherwise. I realized that nobody will ever call me “Mom” again, and I will never have grandchildren. I know my husband hurts as much as I do, but he doesn’t like to talk about it. Thanks for listening!

    • Dear Patty, I am so sorry to learn of the loss of your beloved son, just about two months before my daughter was killed. You are right about the photos; in the first few weeks, I had photos of my daughter everywhere, and one in particular gave me a lot of strength to get through her funeral services. But now more than six months into this, I can hardly stand to look at her photos, and have put most of them away as they just make my heart hurt so much. I know the day will come when they will bring me comfort and pride again, but for now, they are staying where they are. I am glad that you have a strong faith that is helping you. I am not religious, but have a strong faith, and I don’t blame God for what happened, as I know God was not responsible. As to whether your son heard your “goodbye”, I have read that medical science believes that hearing is the last sense to remain. What matters is that your son knew he was loved to the very last minute. I take comfort some days in knowing that my daughter could not possibly have been loved more in her short life than she was. I know that my relationship with my daughter was the richest, most rewarding relationship we each had in our lives, and for that, at least, I have no regrets, except for things that don’t matter, like trips we didn’t take, etc. I too know the outrage you feel about losing the prospect of future grandchildren. Although my son may have a child or two some day, I will not have the three or four or five grandchildren I thought I would have, and it is hard for people not yet at this stage of their lives to understand how much of a tremendous and bitter loss it is to know that there are children now that will never be born. So my heart goes out to you. Some days, I too feel that I am just existing, and I can’t yet see a way forward from this. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and some days, I don’t even do that, don’t even get out of my pyjamas. But I am learning that it’s okay to have days where I just rest, conserve energy, curl up in my bed with the teddy bear somebody gave me at her tribute service, and just “be”. I tell myself as you do that my daughter would have wanted me to go on with my life – some days, that works as an inspiration or mental “trick”, other days, it doesn’t. It really is the case that what works one day doesn’t necessarily work the next, and those are the days I tend to keep to myself, speak only to the people whom I trust with my true feelings, and rest. I send you my thoughts and prayers.

      • Alison, I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter. When I read your response to me, it sounds so familiar. There are days that I have no desire to go on, but there are days that I’m OK. In the beginning, my husband gave me the strength to go on. Matthew was our only child. I realized one day that I will never be called “Mom” again – that was really painful. It has been seven months, and there are days that I wish that I wouldn’t wake up. I have bad dreams most nights, and wake up feeling drained. How old was your daughter? To lose a child is the worst thing that a person could experience, but having your child killed has to be worse than an accidental death. My son died of an accidental alcohol and drug overdose. May God help all of us that are experiencing this horrible pain of the loss of our children!

  33. Dear Patty, I’m sorry I didn’t see your reply sooner. Very often, there are not many updates on this site, so I don’t come to it all the time. I logged on tonight because I had a bit of a meltdown last night, feeling overwhelmed and just wanting this pain to end. But I think it was overdue, as I haven’t had a really good cry in a few weeks. I am thinking about your comment that you will never be called “Mom” again. Of the many writings on grief I read after I lost my daughter Lindsay (who was 26), one thing that helped me was to read that I will, always and forever, be Lindsay’s Mum. That will never change. Whether she is here physically to call me that or not, the fact remains that i am still her Mum, and as her Mum, I can ensure her legacy of helping vulnerable people, loving her friends, and her optimism in the face of challenges will remain. Her closest friends always called me “Mum” when they were growing up with her, and they still call me “Mum” today. That brings me comfort. I know that because Matthew is your only child, what you are really saying is that you will not hear his voice call you “Mom” again – but you will hear him saying it in your heart, and believe it or not, sometimes in the future, that will bring you comfort. One of the things that has been hardest for me is that at the moment, I cannot “feel” Lindsay’s presence, or “see” her, or “hear” her. My counsellor says that’s because I am still in shock even seven months later and am not “open” yet to hearing, seeing or feeling her presence. In the last few days, for perhaps the first times, I had a few moments here and there when I actually “felt her with me”. You and I are a long way yet from being able to smile about the good times and memories of our children, but I hope that just knowing that you and I are the same distance in months out from losing our precious children will let you know that you are not alone. I will keep you, your husband and Matthew in my thoughts and prayers. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. – Alison

  34. I lost my 45 year old son a week ago today suddenly apparently of a heart attack and I so wish it was me. I hate being here and feel like my life is over. I wish there was a way to completely get away from the was already tough because I lost my mother and father 2 week apart nov 18 and dec 2. My son was my whole life and the only one I had, and the didn’t have any children either. I have cried until my face hurts and my eyes are swollen shut almost. People are telling me how sorry they are but there isn’t anything they can do to help. All I have is my husband and all we do is argue and he wants me to give everything away that belonged to him. I want to keep lots of his things because I feel like I will feel closer to him. I am not a religious person and cannot believe like most people do, but I hope his spirit will contact me to make me feel that he is ok. I do believe the Long Island medium really contacts the deceased and I would like to get a reading from someone like that and maybe feel better. Right now I wish I would just die.

    • I am SO SORRY about the loss of your son. It breaks my heart! My 13 year old son died just over 3 years ago. I will NEVER get over it. The best I can do is just try to get through it.

      He died just before Halloween. I took his younger sister out for trick or treat. I was standing there with tears in my eyes as she ran past a fake grave (Having visited his grave earlier in the day). A mom standing next to me asked me why I appeared so sad. I reached down and petted her dog and told her my little boy. died last week She said she understood. “It is almost like they are a part of your family”. I was stunned until I realized she thought I was talking about a dog. All I could say was “Yea”.

      People who have not gone through such a loss don’t understand. Furthermore, I hope they never will. I would never like them to feel the deep loss and pain we have gone through.

      Please don’t start getting rid of your son’s stuff. I feel it is way too soon. We left our son’s stuff alone until we were ready to address it (Many months later). Even then, we kept a large box of stuff he/we considered special.

      Even now, there are nights when I miss him so much that I get his favorite old stuffed animal. I hug it in bed and remember how special he was, and always be to me. He is still my son, just not with me physically.

      Hang in there!

  35. I am overwhelmed with shock and pain after losing my beautiful healthy youngest child at age 27 on August 4, 2013. Medical examiner is ruling it as a possible heart arrhythmia although they found no evidence to support it. When I read all of your postings, I am once again reminded that there are others who feel my pain. I am so very sorry for all of your losses. Nothing prepares us to enter into a world where we struggle to survive and live without our children. It’s just unfathomable. I recently admitted to another grieving mother that while I did not have a plan to kill myself, there have been and still are so many days that’s it’s so painful that I just don’t want to live without her. But I agree we are responsible for reminding the world that our children were here and even though their lives were cut short, they made their mark in the world. We also have to hold onto the other grieving parents because only we know the tattoo this loss leaves on our hearts and shattered lives. I get all of my strength from you because you speak the same language. I am jealous of every family that is fortunate enough to have all of their children. There, I said it. Maybe that will change some day. Although I will never get over it, I am also open to getting through this and developing another relationship with my daughter Amy until meet again. In the meantime, I want to embrace and feel her continued spiritual presence because we all know that our love for our children never dies and I believe they continue to love us too — just from another level. Thank you to Jody for creating this safe place which is open 24/7 where we can share our thoughts as we struggle to survive in a world without our children. I miss Amy so much that I ache inside. I did not know I could cry this many tears or that such a horrible pain existed. I cry as I write ever word. New normal – ugh! I want my old normal back along with my Amy.


    • You wrote so well what I am thinking. Maybe it is normal to feel the way we do. How do we cope over the holidays? Hang in there and I will try as well.

    • Dee, When my son died I cried all the time. I had to drink in order to get to sleep, and when I woke up, I would have to have another drink in order to get back to sleep. How do you make plans for the future when your only child is gone. I wish that I had more children – at least I could have a reason to go on. Like you, I also have wished at I would go to sleep and not wake up. My strong belief in God stopped me from acting on it. I don’t believe in suicide, so I will endure this pain for as long as God chooses to keep me here on earth. My son Matthew died on February 7, 2013 and it feels like just yesterday. This time of year is very difficult for me because Matthew always came to see us for the holidays. It feels like I’m stuck in a bad dream and can’t wake up. I’m sorry for your loss!

    • Too all of us who miss our dear child, here is a song I find inspiring. “I’ll see you again” from Westlife

  36. Oh Haney and Patty, my heart breaks for you both as only grieving mothers really understand the struggle we face to keep going. Suicide is never an option but it’s ok for us to admit that it’s too painful to want to live some days but only as a gauge to describe this horrible pain and loss. I do believe that we still have a purpose and it’s my personal belief that it is not up to me to choose the day when I die. I want to be on the express elevator to heaven to see my beautiful daughter again but I do not believe that will happen if I would ever end my life. Patty, I am glad you don’t believe in suicide. Just keep talking and reaching out for help. Tonight I had to run out of a store because I became overwhelmed with grief and missed Amy so much I thought I would go crazy. Thank goodness my husband understood and handed me the keys to wait in the car. One baby step at a time. It’s a choice to survive and it’s so, so, hard. As far as the holidays, only do what you can. I still don’t know how I will handle it but I am giving myself permission to only do what I can this year. Sending you both a hug.


  37. It’s Thanksgiving and we came up to the mountains to try and pretend there WAS no holiday…but it didn’t work. I am still crying a lot but mostly early morning or when the sun goes down. I feel so alone since our parents are gone and now my only son. It helps to have this site to express how I feel.

    • Haney, I know how you feel. My mom was 47 when she died, and my only child died at 30. Yesterday – Thanksgiving day – I felt as though I couldn’t celebrate because I felt that I had nothing to be thankful for. I feel that I have no future. When Matthew died, I felt as though my entire past and future was wiped away. I wake up thinking about him and I go to sleep thinking about him. May God comfort all parents that have lost such an important part of themselves – their child! I feel so empty all the time 😦

      • Patty/Haney. I too felt sad yesterday (Thanksgiving). My 13yr old son died 3 years ago suddenly here at home. His little sister (1 year younger) is still trying to get over seeing her brother dead in the bathroom (He fell, hit his head on the sink, and died here at home).

        We still struggle each day with losing him. My dad died when I was 5, my first wife died at 26 (Found her loaded with cancer 6 weeks after our son was born. She fought it for 3 brave years).

        However, I have to be thankful for the years I DID get to spend with them all. Though their path through life was short, I am glad I got to spend it with them.

        They have all had an impact on my. As for my son, instead of him being my legacy, it turns out that I am his.

        Please remember that they now live on in you.

      • It’s always heartbreaking to lose someone your love with all your heart, but I think losing him or her without any warning is worse because you don’t get a chance to say goodbye. My mother, brother, and son all died without warning. When you know that your loved one is going to die, you can try to prepare your heart for the loss. There are always things that you would have liked to say to them that you didn’t get to say. I’m sure that one day I will think about my Matthew and smile, but for now I can’t because of the pain. My mother died of an overdose and my brother hanged himself. The doctor couldn’t tell me what caused of my son’s death. All I know is that he had multiple organ failure. I find myself getting very depressed at times, but I know that I have to snap myself out of it. It seems that many of us have more than our share of hurt and disappointments. I’ll be glad when this life is over for me, and I can start a new one in heaven with those that I have lost.

      • I really feel I have no purpose in life now and I can’t even do the things I have to do, not to mention things I need to do. I just don’t have the heart anymore. We came home from the mountains today where we tried to get away and it seems even worse than when we left. I guess you can’t run from the holidays after all. Everywhere I go people are asking me if I have finished my Christmas shopping and things like that. I know they are just trying to be nice but I feel like saying I’m not doing any shopping and NO I’m not looking forward to the holidays. I know if I had another child or parents it would help, but I can’t help crying because it is such a lonely time and everything reminds me of what I HAD. I am feeling sorry for myself I know, and resent all the people that are having fun with their families. That is probably wrong, but I can’t help it.

      • Haney, I understand your jealousy of those that still have their children! I feel exactly the same way. Last year I had done most of my Christmas shopping by now. My son died this year, and I haven’t bought one gift! I have no desire to do any shopping either. It’s hard to shop when you feel dead inside. The only thing I’ve bought are some Christmas cards to send to family. I’m thinking about asking my family and friends to donate money to a charity for children or animals this year in memory of my son instead of doing anything for me. Matthew loved animals and children loved being around him. I couldn’t think of a better thing to do for Christmas! Haney, we just have to figure out how to get from one Christmas to the other.

  38. There is a very good reason to feel sorry for yourself. You have had a loss that is so deep it can’t be expressed. It has now been over 3 years since my 13yr old son died suddenly at home. No chance to say goodbye.

    This is not something I will ever get over (We can’t just “Snap Out Of It”). The best I can do is try to get through it. I still cry almost every day. I miss him so much. He was our “Gentle Giant”. Always full of love.

    As for the holidays, I’ll never forget being out during the xmas shopping season a month after he died. I was in front of a case of video games (Which he wanted for xmas). I stood there crying while looking at the xbox. I looked like a mess and noticed some kids were staring at me. Must of thought I REALLY wanted an xbox.

    Our children still live on within us. When I am asked how many kids I have, I still include my son. When he died, he didn’t lost the title of being my son. I have also not lost the title of being his Dad. We should remember that we still are “Mom” and “Dad” even though we can’t be with them in person. They are, after all, still our “Son” and “Daughter”.

  39. Dee/Haney, I am sorry I hadn’t logged on in a few weeks to see your postings. Richard and Patty know that my precious 27-year-old daughter LIndsay was killed by her ex-boyfriend on April 5 this year only two weeks before her university graduation.. As Richard and Patty have told you, and as you are now experiencing, it is a struggle every day at the moment to just survive, and one of the worst things well-intentioned people can say to me right now is “you just have to get through this” or “perhaps you can start to move on now” [after her graduation, after her birthday, after Thanksgiving, and I assume the same will be true after Christmas]. I try very hard not to get angry in reply, and I tell myself they only want the best for me and for me to recover from the pain I’m in, but they have no understanding, and, as someone else here said, I think sometimes they think it is like any other grief and that 8 months later, I should now be starting to do things and get out more. In the last 8-12 weeks, I have struggled, as Richard says, every single day just to want to keep surviving. As you described, Dee, I don’t have a plan either to take my own life, but in the last nine months, there have been many days or nights where suicidal thoughts preoccupy my mind, simply because I cannot stand the pain and I cannot envision a future without my best friend and precious child. I have felt very paralyzed and lethargic, and to some extent, I think this may be the medication I’m on – am hoping for a change this afternoon with a new specialist. But It is very hard for other people to understand our experience that for a bereaved parent even take one step into the future when our loss and trauma are so great is like saying you accept what has happened and are willing to leave your precious child behind, something none of us can ever do. My heart breaks for you, Dee and Haney, as it does for every parent on this site.

    As to the holidays, Christmas was always a very special time for me and my two children.. I was always a sole support Mum, and worked so hard to make sure Christmas was always good for my children, and that they had many presents to open so that they didn’t have less at Christmas simply because I was a divorced mother. My biggest shopping task and the most fun was always for Lindsay, because, unlike her brother, she preferred lots of inexpensive, little gifts. Yes, it has been very difficult to have to go out into the shops and see all the little things I would have loved to spontaneously to buy, wrap and put under the tree.for her. I have done a lot of mandatory family shopping online this year so that I can avoid the stores. When I have to go a store, if I get overwhelmed or start to cry, I simply leave. However, an extraordinary thing happened to me the other day which gave me great comfort. I was looking at the DeMarco ornaments in a card shop, and another woman beside me looking at the same display picked one up and said to me, ‘This is for my son.” I immediately noticed the catch in her voice, so asked her gently, “Is your son still with you?” She told me, “My son is; my daughter……” I replied, ‘My daughter too..” She immediately wrapped me in a warm embrace, told me her child’s story (cancer) and then offered me her email address, phone number, her home as a safe place to come and talk, and we agreed we will speak again after the holidays. Although I realize in my mind that it was Christmas, we were looking at sentimental ornaments as memories of our daughters, I still astonished, as I left the store, at what had just taken place, and the kindness and compassion behind her words and comfort extended to me.

    There have been days where I just want to completely ignore Christmas, and other days when I know my daughter would not have wanted us to ignore Christmas, which she loved so much. So this week, my husband still put up the lights outside, and I have to admit that on coming home one evening, it still brought me a smile and a comfort to see the lights up. The important thing for each of you is to do what YOU need to do for YOURSELF, and not what other people expect you to do. I have also consoled myself by ordering memorial ornaments for my daughter’s closest friends, and on Friday night this week, her longest friends from high school are getting together, and I will give them their gifts of ornaments to hang on their trees. For those that have tiny children, I got ornaments that say “Auntie Lindsay”, which is what they always called her. She loved all of her friends’ children. I did not have the date of her murder put on the ornaments, as I will NEVER observe that date as anything to be commemorated. I simply put the year of her birth and the year of her death, 2013. I did the same on her grave marker, I only put “Aged 26” as I did not want to put the date of her murder on the marker. One of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life was to phone my daughter’s closest friends (and she had a lot of them) the night she was killed to tell them what happened, because I didn’t want them to find out on the news or on Facebook. When the news broke the next day, it was the day of her graduation dance, and the university had to have grief counsellors ready to meet students at the dance. Can you imagine? The university still awarded Lindsay’s degree at Convocation, as she had already met all the requirements – all she was missing were her final exams. Dee/Haney, I have told Jody and others that this is the only website and blog conversation with other bereaved parents that is helpful to me. We never asked to be a member of this community of bereaved parents, but perhaps by sharing our stories and our feelings, we can help one another. Richard and Patty, you know your words and thoughts have helped me a number of times through these last eight months since Lindsay’s death, and I am so grateful you reach out.

    I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers this Christmas.

    • Thanks for your response…my heart breaks for you. At least my son died suddenly of natural causes and that is a lot better than violence. I am so very sorry but it really does help to hear that we are not alone in our grief although it is not a group I would wish on anyone. Since we don’t have any family left we are going to the mountains again to try to escape, but it didn’t help much for thanksgiving. I can’t bear the thought of being here without any family. I wish and hope for the best for you all and that you have some family to help you make it through Christmas. I hope it will be easier for all of us in the future years, but I know we will never get over it.

    • Alison/Hanley, I wish you all the best this Christmas. I am also thankful that my 13yr old son at least didn’t die a violent death. 3 years ago he fell in the bathroom, hit his head on the sink, and died here at home. My wife wondered why he was in the bathroom so long. I tried my best to revive him while 911 responded. I failed.

      Of course I will never get over this. His little sister (1 year younger) will never forget seeing his body lie in our living room for hours until they removed him from our home. At least she had the sense to get a lock of his hair.

      When he died, I wanted to die myself. The pain was, and at times still is, too great to bare. Though I thought of it, I couldn’t commit suicide. He would not want that and I had his little sister and my wife to take care of. However, I am no longer afraid of dying! I look forward to seeing him again when that time comes.

      Holidays are the worst. I was in his old room last week and noticed what looked like a scrap piece of paper in the corner. When I unraveled it, I found a piece of art work he did in the 5th grade. Had our home and family in it. I see that as his xmas gift to me.

      It took me a long time before I was able to go shopping and not leave the store in tears when ever I saw a boy his age. I can do so now, but even as I write this, my tears flow. There is a hole in my heart that will never heal. The scar will always remain. This is something you understand. I have lost my parents, and even my wife (First one died at 26 of cancer. Found out she had it 6wks after our son was born). However, losing a child hurts in ways no one who has not gone through it would ever understand (Which you do). I have had people say to me “I can’t imagine”. I tell them I hope they never will.

      Thanks to all of you who have shared your thoughts and feelings. It helps to know I am not alone in this (Though, I sure wish I was,and you had not experienced such a loss).


  40. Haney, Richard, thank you so much for your replies today. Haney, I hope you find some peace in the mountains over the holiday season. A couple of weeks ago, some new friends we made directly as a result of Lindsay’s death asked us to house-sit and dog-sit at their beautiful home up north on a river. The dogs were a real comfort, but at times, the stillness and the quiet was almost too much for me to bear. But we each find our own ways to grieve and to try to cope, and I hope being in the mountains helps you.

    Richard, I read everything you post and know your son’s story – you have brought me at times more wisdom and comfort that you could possibly ever know. I know you did everything you could to save your son, but I also know how in the last three years, you must have gone over that day a million times in your own mind searching for what could have been done differently, as I do every single day. My daughter and I had been discussing the escalation in her ex-boyfriend’s behaviour not two weeks before she died. I have learned not to blame myself as much for my inability to have protected her, but some days the self-blame is terrible, even though the police let me know that nothing anyone could have done could have prevented or stopped what happened, due to the plan that her ex-boyfriend had to find and kill her.

    As Haney says, we all wish we didn’t have the loss of our precious children as the tie that binds us, but I am very grateful to each and every one of you for the gift of your kindness and solace while dealing with your own immeasurable sorrow.

    Sending love your way.

  41. the pain of losing your child to an accidental prescription drug overdose is horrific. my son died on 10.23.13 at the age of 19. he struggled with anxiety his whole life, and when he took pills at a party, our hell began. many programs, not one treated his whole disease, co-occurring disorders. he was on his way, was in college, had a job interview scheduled for the next day. a ‘friend” from a rehab program brought him pills. within 3 days of his pill relapse he was dead. why couldn’t he be like so many, hit a bump in the road and bounce back. i wish i understood. he had so much to live for. there are no foundations for co-occurring disorders (mental health/substance abuse), yet 9.2 million people have this diagnosis. if you have had a child die the same way, please look at what we are doing: our hope is to create awareness, insist that integrated treatment models are the norm, and save lives of young adults. even with this mission, the pain is often unbearable. i have a beautiful daughter, i feel like i cry all the time, i hate what i am doing to her. we are lucky, he had many, many friends who come to see us often, it makes me happy and sad at the same time, but it makes me feel connected to him. this is a club no one wants to be a part of, i am happy i found this site.

    • Hang in there Stephanie. So sorry to hear about your son. It helps to talk to others going thru similar pain. I am doing a little better since Christmas is over..I was crying all day some days and not wanting to be around anyone that had children. Maybe time will help but I know it won’t heal our loss.

      • Thank you so much for responding. I am seeing a grief counselor, and starting in a group next week. I feel like know matter how many ways I process this it really just doesn’t change the fact that he is not here. xoxo

      • I agree Haney. I feel that I will NEVER get over the loss of our son. The best I can do is try to get THROUGH it. After all, I still have others that depend on me. I have no choice but to try.

  42. Dear Stephanie I am so sorry to learn of the death of your son. Those of us here on this site share your sorrow, and are thinking of you and your family. I know how you feel about what you think you are “doing” to your daughter, but trust me, she understands and has her own grief. The most important thing I’ve tried to do with my son is not make him feel “invisible” in my grief for my daughter. I try hard not to cry in front of him, but he tells me that we have to grieve together, and I think he is right. It has only been a very short while since the death of your son, and we here have all learned that there is no right way or wrong way, or timeline in which to grieve the loss of your child. It will take the time that it takes. I am so sorry for your loss.

    • Alison, thank you for reaching out. I am also so sorry for your loss of your beloved daughter. A couple of my son’s friends who are going back to college tomorrow stopped by tonight. My daughter was out, so it was a good opportunity to talk about everything. They have spent a lot of time with her recently. They believe that she understands my grief, but that my daughter is at peace with my son over his death. She doesn’t blame him for the accidental overdose, she knows the love they share will never go away, she misses him so much, but she doesn’t want him to feel guilty. They were closer than any two siblings I have ever seen. She DOESN’T feel like an only child, and never will. My husband has thrown himself into reading about addiction and recovery and the flaws in the system, but we are grieving very differently. My son, Harris, and I are very similar, so I know that somewhere up there he feels horrible that I am in so much pain. And I hate that part, but I also know he knows that I can’t help it! I literally make it my goal to just make it through the day. I know the pain I feel won’t ever change much, but I’m ok with it. Again, thank you 🙂

  43. My son died in 2012 he was my only Child and I want to be with him so badly it’s all consuming and its the only way to make the pain stop.

    • Michelle, please give yourself some time. The pain will never go away, but I am sure he would be disappointed if you decided to leave life behind. He was to be your legacy, but instead, fate now makes you his. The loss of a child is something you will never get over. The best you can do is to simply try to get through it. Keep your love for him alive with you.

    • Let me be more clear Michelle. The pain will never completely go away, but the joy of having had the child we lost will remain. Though their path through life was short, we were lucky to have shared it with them.

    • Hi Michelle, I know that this pain will never go away, and I have resigned myself to feeling it for the rest of my life. But, I also believe that maybe this suffering for us on Earth is for a bigger purpose than we can possibly understand right now. I have been doing a lot of reading about death and the soul. I HOPE that the body grows and develops in the womb for 9 months to provide the vessel for the soul to grow and develop within the body on this Earth for whatever number of years it is here. I HOPE that if we live our complete life, that our souls will join those of our loved ones who we lost so young. I have convinced myself that doing anything to change the amount of time I am supposed to be here will keep that from happening. So, I am going to stay here on Earth and do the best I can!! I hope you do that too. It helps me get through the day. xoxo

  44. I know how you feel losing your only son as I am going thru the same hell. My heart actually does hurt…I had always heard about the pain but didn’t think it was real pain, but it is. Try to hang in there and remember we are all struggling to make it without them. Richard is right, we are lucky we got to share the life we had with them and the memories of being happy with them is a blessing. I still don’t know if I will ever be happy again, but maybe someday.

  45. My son died nine months ago . I sometimes think back to the night before his death when life was only ordinary . To that false sense of serenity that I had ,to the peace of not knowing the hammer blow that was about to fall . How easily is a life destroyed and with it the lives of others who loved.Our family is devastated shattered the world changed forever into a darker more desolate place. Yet we go on somehow have survived in this sea of sorrow. We have survived the gross insensitivity what is the matter with people? we live on but in a sad place I don’t know how.

    • I know what you mean Kathy and unfortunately, how you feel. People who have never lost a child tell me they can’t imagine what the pain is like. I can only tell them I hope they don’t.

      I still remember the crazy night my son died like it was yesterday (Even though it was 3 years ago). He had saved his allowance for months and finally bought his new NFL video game. He sat with me on the couch and told me he would love to play it with me. I said “Sure”. He laughed and told me I had better practice first. He told me I could play the Panthers (Living in NC, that is my favorite team). He wanted to play Seattle (How ironic! Tomorrow I will watch his favorite team).

      It was getting late. I told him I would play the game with him tomorrow. How was I to know I would find him dead in the bathroom that night!

      Looking back now I realize that like oxygen, you take it for granted until you are without it. I always took for granted that I would have tomorrows to spend with my son. How wrong I was. I now regret that every day.

      The pain was, and is indescribable. I wanted to die, but knew I would disappoint him if I took my own life. I am, however, no longer afraid of death. The only thing I now fear is losing another child.

      I am so sorry for your loss Kathy. Please know you are not alone.

      • Dear Richard thank you so much for your kind and wise words . I too no longer fear death but fear – with a desperate fear losing another child, its true we always think there will be time but there may not be.I find myself getting angry with people who say I know how you feel I lost an old friend last week. NO I want to scream you don’t know how I feel you INSENSITIVE CLOD an old friend is NOT the same as losing a child but I don’t and then hate myself and them for not speaking. Sometimes I just want to howl my grief and sorrow like a wounded animal because that is what I am.
        That is what we all are grievously wounded and I think its a wound that will never heal.

    • My daughter died and I thought I had to die. No purpose in the emptiness and void. Absolutely no reason to live though I knew it was wrong to kill myself. I have written a manuscript and am now revising; hopefully, ready in a month. It has been two years since my little rascal’s death and it is now that I finally have gotten beyond the hardest hurdle. I do jail ministry each Tuesday and did a lesson on Addiction, stating I had an addiction, i.e. my daughter. i couldn’t live without my daughter and that meant I had put her before God. Yes, I am not scared of death but I shall not invite it. I will wait for Go to allow me to fulfill my plan. The last two years I was blinded that others likee my mom needed me and that I was selfish. Two long years drudging through the deep sadness, tears, weariness, etc. I am glad i hurdled the hardest. Therapy and a psychiatrist with meds helped, too, and a very loving mom who loved me through this and shared my little rascal with me. I feel deeply for you kathy. So deeply.

    • It’s been 3 miserable months since we lost our only son and life has changed so’s like everything is BD or AD (after death ). There is no one to leave anything to when we are gone…pictures and personal things that no one else would want. Will they be found in a flea market some day or what should we do with them? Tons of photo albums that are precious to me but would be trash to others. Things handed down to me by my parents and grandparents sold to the highest bidder? So many things I never thought about when he was alive. Every day along with the tremendous hurt I am feeling I try to make it through without him and constantly have questions I need to ask him. I know my pain won’t get any better and I don’t know how to survive, but I have to. Like Richard I am no longer afraid to die and welcome it. Will anything make me happy again I wonder? I really feel for the others of you going through this thing we never thought could ever happen. Every day someone says they don’t know what to say to me and there isn’t anything anyone can say that helps, but this website gives us a place to vent our hurt and anger along with thoughts we keep from others around us. Thanks for being there..

  46. Team (I’m sorry, I use this term a lot with my work), unfortunately we are all in the same position. We have all lost a child. No one else can understand the pain we feel, but we are all in the same boat.

    This is my opinion. Our children were to be our legacy. However, fate has made us theirs instead.

    As I have said before, though their path through life was short, I hope you all share the fact that we were blessed to have shared it with them.

    As long as you live, a part of them lives with you. We all share the pain of losing them, but we have also been blessed by having them in our lives.

    Their lives mattered! They made an impact in this world. As long as we live, they live within us. We are their legacy. I would feel blessed if you would share your memories of them with me. That way, they will continue to live on within me as well.

  47. Dear Richard, you have no idea of the gift your words and your story brings to others. You have carried me through some very dark evenings. Haney, I had very similar thoughts to yours about family mementos, photos and things. Although I have a son who loves me very much, I am more afraid for my old age than I was when my beloved Lindsay was still alive. We were always a tiny branch of our family in Canada where we live. I don’t have lots of cousins, nieces or nephews here. My daughter and I were so close that (I thought) I knew she would always be there for me when I grow elderly. Now I won’t be able to look forward to any children she might have had. My son will never want to leave the major city we live in, and I don’t want to live in the city when I retire; but now, if I am widowed in the future, then who will help me or help to look after me? My son may have a child or two, but now it will not be the three to five grandchildren I thought I would enjoy in my retirement.

    It was not that I saw elder care as my daughter’s duty or responsibility; it is just that we were inseparable and loved each other so very much that now I am afraid for my future without her. To Kathy, Molly, everyone who has newly posted their story here, my heart goes out to all of you. I am trying, as Richard says, to be the protector of my child’s memory, reputation and legacy. Somehow, when your child is murdered, people think they must have been involved in something seamy or negative; my daughter had left a relationship precisely because she could not accept some of the things she had learned about him as the relationship grew longer. My daughter at 26 years of age had never even had a traffic ticket! She worked with people with people with developmental and intellectual disabilities and was so passionate about her work and the people she cared for. So I agree with Richard that it is now up to me and her brother to be her legacy, and to ensure that people know she was an innocent, unsuspecting victim of a planned and deliberate first-degree homicide, who was simply out enjoying her day in the sunshine when she was stalked and killed, and not just some “domestic violence” trivialization or statistic in what happened to her. I

    • Alison, my heart breaks for you. So sad!!! Thank you so much for sharing your memories of your daughter. She was special. Always remember that. Now that you shared this with me, I will as well!

  48. I took my 17 year old daughter and 13 year old son to a park for a few minutes of sledding… On her second trip down, my daughters sled veared off and she hit a small tree. I was so scared- my son bolted up the hill and tried to help her up but she was unable to move or talk. I tried to call 911 . My hands were shaking so much and my voice was shaking too. I didn’t know where we were. It seemed like forever before the ambulence came. At the hospital they said her belly was full of blood. then they came out and said her liver had been torn and they were trying to sew it back together. And then they came out and guided us to that little room and said she died on the operating table.

    It’s been a year and a month since that horrible day. I struggle everyday with the thought of suicide, but I push it out of my head because I don’t want to cause my son anymore pain. But it is so unbelievably hard to keep going on. I have lost interest in talking to my friends- there are really only 2 people I talk to. They are great, but I need their physical presence in order to feel ok. When I’m alone I feel so so so alone. I miss my sweetie pie sooooo much. She was my best friend. I tried to do everything to give her a happy life. She was so unbelievable smart and had the most kind giving heart- she made everything so special.

    I feel like I failed her because she didn’t really want to go sledding. I made her go because her brother wanted to go. I should have known the hill was too icy. I should have held her hand in the ambulence- but I didn’t because I was freaking out too much. My son held her hand in the ambulence and told her and me that everything was going to be ok. I feel I failed him because he manned up while I shrank into a hysterical mess. He consoles me when he see’s me sad. He never shows his saddness to me. And my husband gets angry so easliy and …

    I’m just blabbering now. All I know is the void she has left is all encompassing- like an ever expanding black hole. I have gained so much weight- 30 or 40 pounds… I hate the way I feel and look. My life feels like a prison sentence for my failure. There is no re-do and early release for good havior. She is never coming back.

    • Elizabeth, I am so sorry for your loss. I cried when I read your story. Even though I lost my 13 year old son 3 years ago, the pain is still there.

      Please forgive yourself for not saving your daughter (Easier said than done). My wife and I still struggle with this ourselves. Our son died in the bathroom (Hit his head, fell down and suffocated). Why didn’t we check on him sooner!!!

      We can’t blame ourselves for letting our children live life to it’s fullest. We can’t keep them in a rubber room. We, as parents, want our kids to grow. That involves risk. As an old saying goes “A ship is safe in harbor but that’s not what ships are built for”. We must let our kids grow and that involves risk. Anything else would not be a life worth living.

      I know what you mean about feeling like a failure. I was, and still am DAD. As a father, I felt that I should be able to solve anything that threatened my family. Yet, when I pulled him from the bathroom and did CPR, I failed to revive him. I too feel like a failure.

      Please keep your son in mind. When my son died, I fell so far into depression that I failed to see the impact of losing him, and in a way me as well, had on my daughter (She was 12yrs old, a year younger than my son). It was only later that I noticed scratches on her wrist. When asked, she said the cat did it. Later, when I finally began to come a bit out of my self pity, did she finally admit that she was doing this to herself.

      I was being blind to her grief. I HAD to get back to being her father. Because I lost a son did not mean that I could stop being the father that I am.

      She is now doing much better. Wish I could say the same for me. I have my good days and bad ones, but I am glad for those short 13 years I got to share with my son.

      Your daughter is still alive within you and your family. Your husband may be short on his temper, but I would bet it is because he is in pain as well (Pain can make you lash out, even at those you love because they are close to them).

      Thanks for sharing your story and please, hang in there. I am sure your daughter would want you to. Your family still needs you.

  49. Thank you everyone Richard Molly Haney and Alison for sharing your stories its a bad day today its a crying day a lot of them are .

    • It’s 10am, the start of my day, I am a late starter as I don’t sleep or stay awake until 4 am struggling with so mny questions and angers over my son’s death from overdose last year. His father belted him up to go back to a girl he didn’t love who had pursued him and got pregnant so his time with her was out of duty and love for his new daughter. He relapsed after 5 years here at home with me and his sister recovering and nearly there. She threatened he wouldn’t see his daughter again as he dropped a valium on the floor, which he was taking illegally to try stay calm. She left for nearly 3 months and in that time my son fell apart. She wouldn’t tell me anything, his sister was interstate for that year and he died 3 weeks after her return. hHe was forced, bashed and died, and then she and his father, another abuser took over everything and won’t give any of his things to us, or let us see his daughter, now 2yo. I am wanting death to come to me, I am so depressed, nobody can help, nobody knows except mothers who adored their sons and lost them, He was a hilarious gentle man with enormous self doubt due to his psychologically and physically cruel father, and then she comes along, and kills him off. Death would be so welcome, my tears are all used up, my family rejects me as I have a couple of super rich super cruel parents and sisters who have always liked to single me out, and so therefore, also ignored my kids. I brought them up struggling every day without support, so my son and I were inseparable. I just want to be with him, nobody can do anything for me, I can’t even admit this is true so I won’t talk to so called professionals and their text book rubbish. I lost twins at 26 weeks as my ex gave me ghonorea to get rid of the. WZhen I was pregnant with my daughter, he kicked me in the stomach across the room. When I hear it takes two to tango I get so angry. Some people get a kick out of kicking people when they’re down, or of course when they are also doing well. I have a family like this, a bunch of bullies. My son and I were on our own in this world, my doughtier has joined the nasty rich people, I will never trust her again. I will maintain my principles, that I refuse to be bullied, but therein lies my fate. Alone. Getting out of bed in the morning is like going to the gallows, the feeling of dread, but it is of life, please take me soon. I never imagined this pain possible, you can’t know the pain unless you have it. I have to stay here to look after his dogs until they go, for the next 5 years I will be like this. I feel I will be reliving my sons battle of depression, at least then I will know what he was feeling, and the end result. I love you mums and dads who love their kids, and care for those that have lost them, you are the only people who I trust to know. I send my love to you, and I am actively doing it, love is all that matters. mx

      • Ma, I feel your pain! I lost my only child Matthew February 7, 2013. Don’t give up! Things will get better for you. For the first year I felt as you feel. I woke us each morning wishing that I were dead, so I wouldn’t have to deal with so much pain – a pain like no other! I thought of suicide, but I asked myself, “what would my Matthew want me to do”? I realized that he would want me to live. What would your son want you to do Ma? I know that he would want you to continue to live. I really believe that Matthew is in heaven waiting for me, and I know that one day of God’s choosing we will be together again. Nobody can take away the pain you feel, but things do get better with time – the pain is always there but it gets easier to manage! I pray that God gives you the strength to be a shining light for your precious son. Your son continues to live through you.

      • My Dearest MA,

        My heart goes out to you. We share the loss of our Sons who have angry, hateful fathers and wives. I am so sorry you do not have the comfort and support of your family and are not able to see, hold, and be a part of your Grandchild’s life. Someday, that may change, and you may open your front door to have her standing there wanting to know her Gramma and through you, her Father. You must find someone you can talk to, share your grief, and relieve some of the inner torment you are experiencing. Truly there is nothing that compares to the loss of a child and no person that hasn’t suffered the same will understand the depth of despair we feel. Please, please do not give into the temptation to stop living, you are important and valuable. It is so selfish and hurtful that you are not given any of your Sons belongings, I know the comfort some of his personal items may provide for you. We must cherish our memories, and remember our children with love. You may have resources in your area that can provide a safe environment for you to share your story. Our local Hospice has a group for people who have lost loved ones to suicide, this is how I lost my Son. And there are other programs at Hospice for people dealing with death not related to cancer – they were truly my salvation. Check with the local hospital for the same type of groups or meetings, and your area my have a chapter of Compassionate Friends. Please do not try to get through this alone – it is too much to bear, reach out to someone for help, and keep reaching.

  50. Dear Elizabeth, I know how much you must miss your darling girl because I am missing my darling girl every single moment of every single day. When you said you miss her sooooooo much, I thought of my daughter, who when she was away at school would always say to me on the phone, “I miss you SO, so much, Mummy.” All of us on this site know that terrible feeling of failure, that we somehow convince ourselves we could have done, should have done something to protect our beloved child from their untimely deaths. It doesn’t matter how many times someone else tells us we are not to blame, it is a very long journey to arrive at a point where we can convince ourselves. The police told me the night my daughter was killed that no one and nothing could have prevented my daughter’s ex-boyfriend from finding and killing her, yet I find myself berating myself that, of all things I taught her, and all the times we discussed his escalating behaviour and access to firearms, I failed to teach my daughter how to drop and roll, get behind a barricade and make herself as small a target as possible if she was ever confronted with a gun. She grew up in the days before these mass shootings started happening. What parent would have thought that we should teach our lovely daughters to “drop and roll” in case an ex-boyfriend or partner were to decide to try to murder them? If you think about it, there is nothing rational in me blaming myself for that failure, but nevertheless I think about it and obsess about it. It doesn’t matter what other people say. It is what I feel. It will take a long time for each of us to ever resolve those questions of self-doubt, but I remember what someone from our Victim Services told me when I was going over my “failure” again and again. He said to me, “Alison, YOU didn’t do this. LINDSAY didn’t do this. [name] did this!!” As Richard says, you are not responsible for an icy hill; you are not responsible for a freak accident, nor the fact that your daughter hit a tree in such a way or at such an angle that her injury was fatal. Sadly, we cannot control every event that happens. I work very hard to forgive myself for all the “coulda, woulda, shoulda…” I like Richard’s comment about “ships in the harbour”. I will remember that one. Might even put it on Lindsay’s Facebook page.

    As to short tempers, my husband, Lindsay’s stepdad, has been so patient and kind and supportive with me (he loved her too), but some days I lash out at him over the stupidest little things. I then apologize and say to him, “I am so sorry. I am not angry at YOU. Right now, I just need to be ANGRY.” I imagine as Richard says that this may be what’s going on with your husband. We are right to feel angry sometimes at the loss of our dear children.

    Every one of us on this site who has lost a child also struggles with the suicide question. When we have been so close to our child who died, life right now seems pretty pointless without them. It is impossible to envision a future without them, but for those of us with a surviving child, or spouse, or grandchildren, or an elderly parent, we know we have a responsibility to stay. Sometimes, that responsibility alone makes us feel angry. We want our pain to end. But I will tell you this, Elizabeth, my daughter lost a beloved friend to suicide in college, and she and I promised each other after that happened that no matter how dark or bleak things ever got in our lives, we would never, ever, ever do that to each other. I would not honour my child’s memory or her wishes if I took my own life. So I lend you my promise to my daughter, and hope that by sharing that commitment I made to her, in a way we can help each other.

    Dear Kathy, I am so sorry that you had a crying day yesterday. I told my husband i have been crying quite a bit this week. If crying is what you need to do, then let yourself cry. I still scream and wail in the car sometimes when I am alone…it’s primal, we are parents, and we need to get it out…but that’s why I don’t trust myself to drive very much right now. Sending love and hugs to you all.

    • Well said Alison! Kathy and Alison, I send my love and hugs to you as well. We must remember our children. They mattered and they will always live within us.

  51. Thank you Richard and Allison, it’s good to hear from voices that truely know these bottomless depths of saddness. My old dog, who never did anything wrong for 14 years, has been urinating in the house and scratching at doors. I finally put it together that she began this a week after Allie passed. She was Allie’s dog. I have started taking her everywhere I go now because she won’t make a mess in the car. I now realize she is suffering from separation anxiety just like me. I know, like her, I hate being alone. Like her, I feel better around other people who know me and my story. I just want to be hugged and told thst everything is going to be okay. I know it never will. But, that’s what I wish.

    As for not blaming myself, I can rationally understand the reasons why I shouldn’t, but tht doesn’t stop the constant reptition of the image of her sliding to her fatal accident right in front of me How easy it would have been for me to take them to the movies or just stay at home. I literally did everything in my life for her and my son. We moved twice so they could go to good schools. I volunteered for everything- took them on educational yet fun vacations. Allie became a vegetarian and then a vegan because she wanted to help the Earth and then proceeded to convince us and most of her friends to do so as well. She was so very smart and knew a rebutle to each reason people would say no. Anyhow, I am rambeling again.

    I know it is a long process and I hate it. I just want my life and my daughter back. I heard an interview on the radio the other day with Jennifer Senior who has just written a book on parenting. She said that having a child is like “having your heart running around in somebody else’s body. And that feeling is so powerful, it’s almost scary, because there’s almost, an implied sense of loss about it.

    It’s, like, you love somebody so much, that you are almost automatically afraid of losing them, like, that this connection is so deep, that you can’t think of that connection without thinking of that connection being broken. So joy, in some ways, is almost a harder feeling to tolerate than sadness, in some ways, because it’s so powerful and makes us so vulnerable. But it’s why it is also so profoundly special and what makes parenting, to so many of us, so huge and incomparable.

    Well, I think she well undersands the deep bond between parent and child, but has no concept of what saddness is like when that bond is broken…

  52. My heart goes out to each and every parent on this site. Nine years ago my son Michael died at age 20. It was sudden! I, too, felt like dying. In some sense, part of me went with my son the day he died. Almost immediately I began experiencing signs. Then a year or two later I would ask for signs in addition to what was alread appearing, such as “send me a butterfly”, and remarkably they appeared. Not always right away but within that day. I cannot explain it, I just know that the things that were
    happening were out of this world. Another dimension or existence. I wrote them down in a special book so that in my times of doubt I refer back to the words that I wrote that were authentic. I say this to give other parents hope that there is something beyond this physical realm that we live in. I don’t intend to sound arrogant, but I not only believe…I know. It is my deep, heartfelt experience that truly knows that this is not all there is. Our Children are just a heartbeat away. If you’re standing at the edge of the cliff, backup, look around at this miracle of life, it is not yet your time. “Gods grace is sufficient for thee”.

  53. I got my sons autopsy Saturday and it made my pain even worse. He went to the ER with severe chest pain and mental confusion and was kept over night . The next morning the cardiologist came in the room and said “you’re a healthy young man” and my son responded that he wondered why he had the crushing pain in his chest that he had always heard was a heart attack. The cardiologist said “you have a heart murmur that needs to be checked out and you have pneumonia”. She discharged him and told him he could go back to work Monday (this was Saturday). He said he was feeling too bad to go to work and he felt a swishing in his left chest when he walked or exerted himself. I called the cardiologists office and tried to talk to her and left a message with the person that answered the phone what he was feeling and could she schedule tests ASAP. I called the hospital ER and tried to reach one of the drs that saw him and spoke to one of them and he told me they should have scheduled the tests before he left and he would work on it. I was confident they would. They didn’t call back with an apt or say they were not making the apt. I thought if I took him to another dr it would be delayed even more before tests were scheduled. I should have taken him back to the ER but didn’t and thought it was not serious or they would SURELY schedule the tests. I kept the papers where I called them on the coffee table waiting, but he died Saturday a week exactly from his discharge. I got the medical records and there were several suspicious things they should have checked out but didn’t such as enlarged atrium and electrical problem on his EKG . NOW the autopsy said he died from an acute aortic rupture and enlarged heart among other things. I am extremely upset with these results and everything I have read says they should have done further testing and Now it has been crying days every day since I got the report. This hurts so much worse since his death could have been prevented.
    Thanks to all of you for listening to my story…I know I am not alone. Best wishes to you.

  54. Oh, dear Haney, how angry you must be. I am so sorry that you have received information that only adds to your anger and grief, it must be agonizing for you. I continue to hear little snippets of information from my daughter’s friends and others about things that happened on the day she was killed, or that led up to her murder, and I know how those things turn over and over and over again in your mind. We still struggle as parents for what we could have changed (even in the face of information that makes it clear we could not have changed the outcome). I have told everyone that at the end of the day, I want to hear only the facts, and I want to hear them from one person, the person who is managing the police investigation of my daughter’s murder. I want a single, authoritative source of reliable information, not speculation, not rumor. I expect to meet with them in a few short weeks, and I know that I, like you, am going to find out things from which my heart will never, ever heal. I don’t have her post-mortem report yet, but I spoke with the pathologist the day after it was performed, and asked him a question. He meant well, but took this as licence to tell me verbally in graphic detail my daughter’s injuries, which just about destroyed me and haunts me still. In some ways, I wish I didn’t know, because the anger about it just eats away at me. But, as you say, it is inevitable, as I will one day receive the pathologist’s written report as well. So cry away, cry all you need to, be angry all you need to, for from that anger, you will find the strength to decide what, if anything, you want to do about what you have learned.

    • I really appreciate your comments and thoughtfulness even though you are going through such horrible pain as well. I hope the information you receive will help instead of hurt worse. Thinking of you and sending hugs. Please keep in touch, this is all we can do for one another.

  55. I found my son, Michael on November 12, 2012. He had committed suicide. I struggle everyday. How did I not see this coming, why couldn’t I recognize the severity of his situation. I am so sorry he is gone and I miss him so much. I want to remember him laughing, and happy, not lifeless and gray. He left a note, but his divorce was not final and he had no will, so his ex-ish wife was the only person they would release the note to. She will not share it with us. Their divorce was horrible, and hateful, so we offered to pay for everything for the funeral, if she let us handle the ceremony. We said we would make every effort to accommodate her wishes and give his sons ages 8 and 9 some closure. She refused and had him cremated and then gave his ashes away to a friend of his. We found out about that on Facebook, when my daughter called his friend he told her he would share some ashes with her and Mike’s brothers. A few hours later he called back later to say that Mike’s “wife” told him not to give any ashes to us. My Son lives in my heart, and he will always be with me, but I feel it is so disrespectful towards him that his brothers and sister were refused some semblance of closure. I also just can’t fathom how anyone can be so cruel. We have had to change our phone numbers because she and her sister would call us and say horrible things to us. She even had my 9 year old grandson call me up and swear at me. She took pictures of my Son before he was cremated and sent them to me on his birthday. I worry for the safety of my grandsons. Before she married my son, her fiancé also committed suicide. And I wonder, did he, like my Son, get call after call threatening him, berating him, telling him he was worthless and a terrible person. This pain does not end, it changes, but it does not end.

    • Lee Anne, I really feel for you. I cannot imagine a woman so evil and I truly hope she gets her “just due” for making your life more hell than your sons suicide. It is tragic that you cannot enjoy your grandchildren and that she is such a bad influence. Maybe she will change in the future and that part of your life will be better. I know you will never get over the loss and we all suffer over that, but at least we had our funerals. I hope God will bless you and help ease some of your pain.

      • Haney, thank you for reaching out to me. As awful as all of this has been, this horribleness we are all going through, I have been so moved by how many complete strangers have called to tell me what a positive difference Michael had made in their lives. I had one young lady, Rachel, who was his fitness instructor, call me to say, she had never met anyone who treated her with such respect and kindness. And because of their discussions, she had finally found the courage to get out of an abusive relationship. She was saddened that she never was able to tell him what a difference he had made in her life, and that while living alone was hard, she was doing okay and learning that she had value and worth.

  56. Lee Anne, I am so sorry for your terrible loss of your son, and your ongoing pain. A few thoughts occur to me. One, your son’s ex-wife may not want to share the suicide note because it may be critical of her, and she may not want you to see any content that makes her look bad. If this is true, she fails to realize your need for some explanation of your son’s suicide, or some comfort that you may draw from it if he wrote that he loved his parents, brother and sister and was sorry to leave this pain behind. So indeed, it seems disrespectful of your family’s needs. I know that in the last few minutes of my daughter’s life, she bravely told the police who had shot her, tried to point to where she thought he had gone (not realizing he had killed himself a few feet away), and uttered that she knew she was dying (which devastated me when I learned that she had to face this realization before she fell into unconsciousness). However, what I tried desperately to find out was whether in her last few minutes, she mentioned her Mum, as I know that I was the number one person in her life, and she in mine. I have never been able to establish that she mentioned me. But I have consoled myself by telling myself that I didn’t need to know that she said the words; I already know that her last thoughts would have been of me, and I take great comfort in the knowledge that my daughter could not possibly have been more loved, and knew how much she was loved, and loved me in return and equally. It took me a while to be able to resolve this need in this way.

    The other thing I know is that children, like your grandchildren, eventually grow older, and despite their parent’s intervention, eventually decide completely on their own who they will choose to have a relationship with. When they make that decision, no one can keep them from seeking out the truth about a relationship, and no one can prevent them from having a relationship with the people in their lives with whom they want a relationship. So although you are very sad and angry now, trust that the children know you love them, and that one day, they will find you all on their own. Thinking of you with compassion and sorrow.

    • Dear Alison, Thank you for your words, they carry so much truth and compassion.
      Your Daughter sounds like a remarkable woman, and I believe she felt your love and drew comfort from it at her passing. We will carry our children always in our hearts and they will be forever loved, and their love for us will always remain.
      We are so many who grieve for our children, and there just doesn’t seem to be an end. Sometimes I feel like all of this is so pointless, and then I think about my Grandsons and I know that one day they will want to hear stories about Michael. Learn what he was like as a child, and feel him on a different level than they will be exposed to in their home now.
      Somewhere there must be some good that comes from all this, not of their death, but in spite of it. It will come from their lives.
      Alison, you and Lindsay will be in my thoughts together today, and for many days to come to us both.

      • Dear Lee Anne I am so so sorry I have no words my heart hurts for you and your family .why are people so cruel.

      • Kathy, sorry you are having such a bad day. I really dread those firsts birthday, Mother’s Day and horrible anniversary of his death. Thanksgiving and Christmas were horrible and I don’t know if it will EVER get better. I feel for you and send you a hug. Hang in there because we on this site really do know how you feel.

  57. Today is a year to the day I last saw my son alive . I took him to the airport he turned back and looked at me sadly at the door into departures. I had no inkling that this would be the last time ever,that look is imprinted on my mind even the shirt (his favourite)he was wearing. We buried him in it a few weeks later I try to stop thinking to keep occupied but these images crowd my mind.

    • Kathy – When my husband died I had a mantra – If I can make it a year, I will be okay, I will know that I have already done each day one time, and if I can do it once, I can do it again. With my Son, there is no such feeling, everyday seems impossible. And yet, we get through them as impossible as they seem. I try to remember Mike, smiling and happy. Sometimes I have to meditate to get there, the awful memories come so easily, but the good ones are elusive. Please be gentle with yourself, know that your Son knew the love you felt, and still feel for him. We carry them in our hearts, right next to that big hole that was left when they passed. I hope you can find comfort knowing you are not alone, each of us, reads and listens to these stories and we grieve with one another. I don’t think it gets better, I do know it gets different. Grieving is exhausting and painful, so again be gentle with yourself. You are not alone.

      • Lee Anne thank you for your kind and wise words .
        Its is past a year now
        This second year is worse if anything in that first terrible year I would think back and say a year ago Peter was still alive and doing such and such .Now there is only the darkness.
        I try and remember the good times but as you say those memories are elusive crowded out by ones that give pain.

      • I agree, it seems to be harder after the first year. I think that shock and numbness wears of and leaves the raw, infected wound that hurts all the time. I struggle to find the answers to “why?” And there is no answer to be found. I try not to feel like I failed my son, but I did. I pray that he knows how much he is loved and I miss him with every fiber of my being

  58. Lee Anne – thank you for that insight. “if I can make it a year….” That is such wise advice. A year has passed since our precious son passed away.
    28 is far to young to be gone. We are not over it, around it, passed it or any of those other terms people use. But we are seeing tiny moments of “beyond it”. We have a son getting married. Sweet joy and sorrow mix. In the “beyond” moments I laugh with the bride to be.She is so precious that she is including many of the graphic art designs our oldest son left behind. Logos that will go on the runner and on the invitations. This precious young lady has invited her grooms brother to the wedding with these things even though he is in heaven. We are blessed. “Beyond” the sorrow there is laugher and pure joy. I ordered flowers for the wedding and flowers for the grave side. Bright wonderful flowers that I will leave when I go the day before the wedding. Im not kidding myself. I know I will be face down, sobbing and groaning with loss, on the hallow ground that holds my oldest son’s body. God holds my son. God holds his mom. A year passed. God was and is faithful. A dark cloud moved a tiny bit. A small ray of sunshine will break through and we will watch with proud hearts as our second son marries this precious bride and our third son stands beside him. I know deep inside that “beyond” those bright clouds our oldest son knows and has a huge goofy grin saying “Look at you go!”
    I promise each mother who cant see past this moment of agony. There really is a moment coming for you that is beyond that pain. May God bless you and keep you all as you miss your precious babies.

    • Julie, What a wonderful message this morning. Each day can hold a roller coaster of emotions, from joy to such deep despair, we think we surely won’t be able to take another breath. Your words today are so lovely to my ears (eyes). We will have better days, and many more things for which to be thankful. Our time with our child may have been cut short, but they are not truly gone form our lives. I take Michael every place I go and I know he did not expect the sorrow to run this deep, or be so hard. WE made it a year, we will make it another year, and more after that, and we will always remember our child with love. Be gentle with yourself. LeeAnne

    • Julie, you have other children in which to place your hopes and dreams. For those of us who only had one child, there are no hopes or dreams. When our only child died, our future ended. There is no one to hand down treasured pictures and other items to. We have nieces and nephews, but it isn’t the same. We do see clouds move from time to time to allow a little ray of sunshine, but the cloud will always return for us. My son had no children, so we are left with no grandchildren. It’s too painful to remember what we’ve lost. It’s too painful to remember the past and too painful to think of the future without our precious son. My husband and I will live on because we have no choice. We will accept the little ray of sunshine that appears occasionally because that’s what Matthew would want us to do, but we won’t be whole again until we can look upon his beautiful face…..I know we will see him again in Heaven!

      • Yes Patty, you are SO right. I wish I had another child or grandchildren and maybe my life would not be so empty. Some days are better and some are worse, but I know I will never be happy again. I really dread Mothers Day this year…I am having a hard time just hearing the commercials on tv. I kept my card from last year and I am glad for that memory. We have to vent to each other because no one else understands our pain. Hugs to you all and thanks for your comments.

      • Dear Haney and Patty – I am so sorry for all our losses and Mother’s Day will always be one of the hardest days of the year. To hear the suffering each of is experiences can be a mixed bag. I think I feel better knowing there are others that understand my pain, but sad, as there is really nothing I can do to relieve that pain for you. My heart goes out to both of you, and to everyone led to this site because of the loss of a child. A child we all love, and miss, and who was never supposed to go before us. Let the love you have for your son and daughter, and the love they have for their mums and moms, hold you in its gentle arms and help you through the days ahead.

      • I feel for all of you. I have been following these messages and feel your sorrow. For me, it is Father’s Day that is the hardest. When my 13yr old son died at home 3 years ago, I got my “#1 Dad” tee shirt he gave me out of my drawer and swore I would never wear it again (After all, I found him in the bathroom and failed to revive him). Since then, I have rethought this. During his funeral his teacher told me how he impressed her. She had asked her class what they wanted to be when they grew up. Answers included a president, astronaut, scientist, etc. When she got to my son his answer was “A Father”. Therefore, I now wear the tee shirt proudly every Father’s Day.

        Please hang in there. The loss of a child is something we will NEVER get over. The best we can do is to try to just get through it. We owe it to them. They were to be our legacy. Instead, we must live to be theirs.

      • Hi Richard, Your posts are always comforting to me. Please forgive me for not mentioning Dads along with Mums and Moms. Sometimes I think Dads might have a whole other grieving process that is complicated because you are “supposed” to be strong, or a leader or protector/provider, when the truth is you are a loving parent in tremendous pain. How very nice of your Son’s teacher to share his story with you – it speaks volumes to the father you are that a 13 year old would voice his aspirations to be like you – a father. I am glad you are able to wear your shirt – you Son is very proud of you. You did not fail Richard. We all are forever changed by our loss. I struggle to remember to be compassionate. I am so frustrated by parents who go on and on about their child’s grades or the poor choice they may have made about something that seems so trivial to me. I have to remember they are simply being parents, and a year and a half ago, I was one of “them”. I am thankful for the people, some of whom I did not know before I lost Mike, that took the time to tell me something he said about me. Many days I cling to the things they told me and I know in my heart, Mike had no idea the pain and loss he would leave behind.

      • Julie, thank you for your kind response. I’m really glad that you have other children to plan your life around. I always wanted more children, but my doctor was against the idea because I almost lost Matthew when I was six months pregnant. When he was born, I checked all his little toes and fingers to make sure he was OK. I planned my whole life around him, and when he died I feel that I died too. I do have some good days, but the dark clouds always return to bring me back down. Last night I dreamed that he was alive again. I asked him to come and live with us. I felt that I could protect him if he were with us. Then, I woke up and was disappointed that it was only a dream! I know that your pain is no less than my, but it’s a different kind of pain. God is the only one that can help during the worst time in our lives – the time when we lose the most precious thing to us – our children! Thank you again for the kind words, and I pray that God will be with you on Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is just another day for me.

      • Hi Patty.
        I got your reply this morning early and have thought of you ALL day. I am so deeply sorry for your great loss. If my comments about moments of moving beyond the pain hurt your heart in anyway please forgive me. I pray you find little moments of peace and I do understand that the loss never leaves. Maybe lessens for a moment but never leaves. My heart breaks for your loss and your pain. I found myself crying for us all as you stuck in my thoughts and prayers this day.
        The day we lost our son we also lost our daughter in law. No grandkids. Yes, we have 2 other sons but they are not Brandon. They can not replace or take the place of him. They dont make up for him or ease the loss of him. We are getting a new daughter in law but she will not replace the one we lost. The first time I heard someone say “at least you have other kids” I went into orbit!! Many things flew around in my head that I am so thankful never came out of my mouth. Did that person think that just because we had more kids we didn’t grieve the one we lost with our whole beings for all of time? And on and on my mind went. Truth be told she knows nothing! Just like I know nothing about not having other son’s in this world. We will have a wedding soon, we will hope for grand babies one day. We will watch our family grow. It breaks my heart that for those of you who lost your only child those things will never be. For those of us with more than one child there is a deep agony that we are missing someone who should be there to be part of this on going life. There simply is no easy for any of us.
        None of us know how to answer the question “how many kids do you have?” or how to face mothers day or fathers day. For that matter any day. They all include pain and missing for what ever days we have left in the world.
        For us there is only one truth. God is to good to be unkind.
        He loved our son more than we did and allowed something we will never understand this side of heaven. Ah, Heaven! Thats a truth that holds us together. I pray you know that truth and that you know your child is waiting for you.
        Bless you and yours. Please accept my heart felt sorrow as you miss your

  59. Dear Haney, Patty, Julie, Richard, Lee Anne, Kathy, Jody, everyone here, I will think of you all tomorrow (Sunday – Mother’s Day) and you, Richard, on Father’s Day again. I find I am quite melancholy tonight. Last week, I finally blew my stack at an in-law with whom I had been really close. In the year since Lindsay died, there seems to have been so little attempt to even try to learn how we feel or how to help family members dealing with such terrible grief and agony. I think they thought it was like every other type of grief. Two months after Lindsay died, I accepted her university degree post-humously. This in-law told me at the time that perhaps having done so, I could now `move on`. I was barely surviving. We checked into the hotel in the university town as all the other parents were checking in with their sons or daughters. We had no proud graduate with us. The five-hour car ride home from the university was brutal. I had the degree but no graduate. Still, we are being told by this family member that “life goes on”. There are things the family needs my husband to do. So our prolonged mourning for a child whose life was brutally stolen from us has been an inconvenience. Sadly, I am not yet in a place to accept that “life goes on” without my Lindsay. Last weekend, after months of anger and dismay at how my in-laws have behaved, I finally lost it. I have probably ended my relationship with my husband`s family as a result (my husband is Lindsay`s stepfather and had known and loved her since she was 11 years old.) But I told this person that we had experienced more love, compassion and support from Lindsay`s young friends in their 20`s than we have experienced from his family who professed to love me and to whom over the years I have devoted so much love and caring. The deaths of our children, I guess, teaches us who is truly a friend. Once my emotional trust is broken, there is no going back for me. I have ended friendships in the past when the emotional trust has been broken. I feel as if our hearts were already broken, and now they are broken just a little bit more. It leads me again to wonder what is the point of going on without my daughter. I keep going now for my son, my elderly mother who needs me right now (she cries every time I speak with her, she is still so devastated about the loss of her Lindsay), and my dear husband. I also don’t want to bring any more harm to Lindsay’s young friends who have struggled so to cope with her death.

    Today it is beautiful and sunny and warm outside, but I can cognitively see that it is a lovely day without feeling any joy from it.

    For Mother`s Day, I will share with you some of the nicknames Lindsay and I had for each other. Perhaps that will make some of you and me smile. Of British origin, I have always been “Mum”, not “Mom”, and all of Lindsay’s friends still call me “Mum”. At some point, she started calling me “Mummy Moose” (I don’t know why) and I responded with “Silly Goose”, and that stuck. One Christmas, I bought her a little stuffed moose and a stuffed little Christmas goose, and cuddled them together to wrap them for under the tree. I know she kept them on her bed in her university residence, but strangely, I have not found them since her death. That haunts me. I think that someday, I will just stumble across them in her belongings when I least expect to and need the comfort they bring. After both loving the movie “Nell” with Jodie Foster, we started calling each other “Missee Chicopee”, especially if one of us was upset or crying. If you saw the movie, you will understand. Just learned recently that it probably should have been “Chickabee” but that doesn’t matter – “Doana kee, [don’t cry] Missee Chicopee” is on her grave marker. I sometimes called her “Chuck” too, that one’s harder to explain 🙂

    My love and empathy go out to you all tonight.

    • Allison, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. I wish you a happy mother’s day (If you can).
      My wife has cried today. Although it has been over 3 years since Kollin died (We did not “Lose Him”. He died), we have not “Gotten over it”. To be honest, we never will. The best we can do is get through it. It never gets easy. My wife held him minutes after he was born, then again minutes after he died. That still does not take away the fact that she still IS IS MOM.
      So, today I wish her a happy Mother’s Day and remind her that she is still his mom. She with Kollin, and you with Lindsay, spent 9 months together. You gave them life, went through the pain of birth, loved them and raised them. They were, and will always be a part of you.
      Happy mother’s day Allison. You are still a mom. In fact, by sharing your thoughts of Lindsay, you have not only proven you are now her legacy, but a part of her now lives in me. Thank you so much for sharing how special she IS. Love the nicknames. Have a great day “Mummy Moose”!

    • Allison, I fully understand about your feeling disconnected with some of your family after your daughter’s death. I feel the same way about my husband’s family. I was never close to my husband’s family when Matthew was alive, but now I don’t even want to see them at all. I try to avoid them as much as possible. To me, they are strange people! Today (Mother’s Day), I tried to avoid answering any phone calls. People just don’t realize how deep the hurt is when you lose a child!! Unless they have lost a child, they cannot advise you on how to act or feel. It’s a hurt that will remain with you for the rest of your life. On Mother’s Day I didn’t want any phone call, visits, or sympathy. I just wanted to left alone with my memories of my sweet son. Memories of his birth in the hospital strolled through my mind. We can protect our children when they are young, but we can not protect them when are grow up. I’ve been depressed for a week because I knew Mother’s Day was approaching. Hopefully, tomorrow, I can get back to living – as much as humanly possible. Nobody in the world could love Lindsay as much as you do, so don’t let anyone tell you how you should grieve….

      • That is so true. Those who tell us they know how we feel do not. They have never lost a child. Those who say they don’t know how we feel are being honest. I hope they never feel the pain a loss of a child causes us.
        This is why I like this web site. We all really know how much we hurt for the loss of our child.
        However, I must wish you all a happy Mother’s Day. When my son died, I no longer considered myself as his father. Since then, I now realize I will always be his father. You are all STiL mothers. Happy Mother’s day all!!!

      • It seems that everyone has a family member who is a total door knob! Thank you for sharing that story, it really helped me understand that we are not alone with “our doorknob” I mentioned before that our second son is getting married. Im excited. And deeply sad. I am unable to remove the feelings one from the other. Recently, well talking about the wedding, my brother in law said “its so nice this girl has such a great brother. He can become like another son to you. That will help”. I almost decked him right there. Who in their right mind would speak something that stupid, insensitive and wrong!!!? Our daughter in law to be has a brother we could use to replace the precious son who died??? I most likely will not speak to that brother in law again. The depth of that stupidity is beyond what I can stand to face again. And thank you to the person that said they did not lose their son, he died. People say “lost him” like we were bad parents and miss placed the boy!
        Today, for mothers day, we did family photos. I think that was their way of helping me be in a photo without BJ and not fall apart on the spot. They are all looking for ways to get me passed those wedding photos with some of my small pieces together. It was lovely but agony all rolled together.
        To each and every one of you, congrats on being the parent of such amazing kids. Congrats on loving them like you did. Happy Mothers day doesnt seem like the right thing to say so CONGRATS on the wonderful child that you gave birth to. You will ALWAYS be a mommy!!!
        The first time I held my son I promised to love him fiercely and I still do. FIERCELY! Even the word paints a picture.
        I have read your posts and I treasure them because I am hearing the hearts of parents who loved, and still love, fiercely!
        Bless you all today.

      • Julie, sometimes the people that love and care about you just don’t know what to say, or they say the wrong things because they think it will help.  Yesterday on Mother’s Day someone called me and said “Happy Mother’s Day”.  At first, I was upset because Matthew was my only child and I lost the privilege of being a mom.  It seemed so insensitive of her to call and say that to me, but then I realized that she was just trying to make me feel better.  I was already feeling rotten because it was Mother’s Day.  I stayed home all day because I didn’t want to be reminded that it was a celebration for Mothers.  People were calling me or texting me to check on me.  I just told them, “I don’t feel like talking today”.  My heart was hurting all day, so I caught myself sighing all the time.  I was so glad when the day ended. People don’t realize that no matter what they do or say is going to make any difference when it comes to our pain!!!  We just have to keep reminding ourselves that our child that we lost wants us to keep going and grab what happiness we can.  Every time I laugh it’s like the first time – the laughs are so few now.  I pray for all the wonderful mothers on the website – their hearts have been broken!

  60. Thank you so much for thinking of us. I hope tomorrow will pass without too much more pain for us all. I have some cards he gave me and will put them on the kitchen table as I did every time he brought me one. I am so glad I kept some of them. Even though It’s rained here all day I went to his grave and added some pretty red flowers. I had someone tell me that it takes SOME people a year to get back to normal….that’s a laugh….it will never be normal again. Hugs to all and my sympathy to you that really know how it feels?

  61. I have been reading this blog for a few weeks but this is my first comment. First let me say that no words can express my sorrow for the pain of everyone here. I cry reading the stories here.

    My five year old son Kai, the younger of my two sons, drowned in February 2013. His father, who was my husband at the time but is now my ex-husband, and I were both home when it happened. I was occupied in the front of our house signing papers to donate one of our cars to charity and thought my husband was watching our son. When I realized things were quiet, I ran. I found him lying on the bottom of the pool. I did CPR and the paramedics and ER staff worked on him for over an hour but he was gone. At that moment my life ended, too.

    Finding my little boy dead (and the hours that followed) was the most horrific thing that I can ever imagine happening to me. The guilt and sorrow I live with is beyond my ability to express in words. If it weren’t for my other son, I would have killed myself long ago. I have no fear of death because I truly believe that Kai is waiting for me. So many times I have cried and told him how sorry I am for failing him. I know he forgives me, because that is who he was. He knows I would have died in his place had I been given that choice. He had such a sweet, pure soul. He loved life and he loved people and people loved him. He made friends wherever we went. It’s been 15 months and I am still in utter shock that this happened. A lot of the time I realize that I can’t breathe but somehow my heart keeps beating. I never knew that it was possible to be in this much pain and still live.

    It’s amazing how much you have to hide from people after your child dies, even people close to you. I feel so alone. I printed out this blog post and I read it when I feel most desperate. The last thing I want to do is cause more grief to my parents and my son.

    Hugs to all the grieving parents here. I am so sorry for all of us.

    • Lisa, I’m so sorry about your little son! We mothers are in a bad position. We can’t really express how we feel to friends and relatives because we don’t want to worry them or make them feel bad. So, the only people we can express our true feeling to are strangers as those on this site! I can’t talk to my husband about our son Matthew because he worries so much about my mental well being. I’ve heard others say that you can die from a broken heart – I believe that myself. Sometimes, I feel that my heart will just stop. Lisa, I think most parents feel guilty when their children die. I wished that I had done some things differently in the months leading up to my son’s death. Lisa, I’m so glad you have your other son to give you the strength to carry on – he desperately needs you. I wish that I had another child. Unfortunately, Matthew was my only child. It appears that my son died around the same time of year that your son died. My son died in February of 2013. I pray that God will wrap his loving arms around you and give you comfort!!

    • I feel for all you mothers out there. I am so sorry for all of your loss.
      When people tell us they know how they feel, they simply don’t. When others tell us they have no idea how much we hurt, they are being honest. I really don’t want to share with them the pain that I continue to feel.
      It has now been over 3 years since my 13yr old son Kollin died here at home. Had a siezure, hit his head on the sink, and died. I will never get over it. The best I can do is to try, day by day, to get through it.
      Lisa, I went through a scare myself. When Kollin was 4yrs old, my wife found my 3yr old daughter floating face down in our pool. Her screaming brought me out and I did CPR. How fortunately it was that it worked. I wanted that damn pool filled with concrete immediately! We were blessed.
      As for all of you, only we know the real pain of loosing a child. When my first son was born, they found my wife loaded with cancer (He was only 6 weeks old). They gave her 6 months to live. However, as a mom, she fought to be with him. Three years (And 14 surgeries later), she reached a point where she was more afraid of being kept alive in pain than dying. I promised her, I would not let that happen. On the day she died (She was only 26), I held her in my arms and told her it was ok. I chased the hospital staff out of the room. She died in my arms. I never thought I would ever experience such pain again.
      How wrong I was. When I held my dead son in my arms, I felt pain that I could never describe. As his Dad, I was to protect him, not bury him. This time, I was NOT able to revive him. I still feel like a failure.
      The pain never goes away. All we can do is to try to find ways to deal with it day to day.
      However, to all of you, I wish you a happy Mother’s day. You will ALWAYS be Mom/Mum.

      • Richard what sorrow you have .
        Yet you give us all words of compassion and understanding .
        Thank you

    • Lisa I am so very sorry for your loss your little boy .
      There are no words I cry for him I cry for all of us.
      Keep strong my dear for your other little son

    • Lisa, I grieve for you. Your son Kai was, and still is, very special.

      As you said, we held our son the day he was born, and the day he died. It broke our heart.

      What I will also never forget is watching my wife Lisa, on the floor holding Kollin’s dead body and sobbing. I held him the day he was born. She, however like you other mothers, held him 9 months before I got the chance. She kept brushing his hair out of his eyes and said “It’s ok, mommy is here”. Of course, it was not ok.

      I have been given a lot of great titles in my life. None has been greater than “Dad”. When a teacher asked her elementary school class what they wanted to be when they grew up, the kids told her “President”, “Doctor”, “Lawyer” etc. When she got to Kollin he said “Dad”. During the funeral she told me she wanted to kidnap that loving boy (She told her husband). She asked, and I gave her permission to place a gold heart in his hands. He had a golden heart. He would volunteer to work with the handicapped kids at his school. When he would go in for lunch, they would call him to their table. Though other kids would make fun of him for joining them, he didn’t care. What he did care about was these kids feelings and the fact that he could help them feel special.

      In a strange way, I find the fact that I still feel pain is right. I can either stop loving Kollin, and not feel pain, or I can contine to love him and his memory, and therefore, still feel pain (2 sides of the coin). I choose to hold onto the love.

      I used to say I was his dad. Now I say I am still his dad. The fact that he is dead does not change that.

      Please hang in there. We are all here for you.

  62. Dear dear Lisa, my heart broke for you when I read your story. So tragic. A few of us here on this site have lived with those terrible feelings of guilt and self-blame and still grapple with them. Richard’s son Kollin died accidentally at home as well and he has shared with us often the grief, guilt and pain that he felt because he couldn’t revive his son, much as you describe. My daughter was murdered by an ex-boyfriend who didn’t want to let her go. He stalked her, lay in wait for her and shot her several times. I was the only person who believed he had the capability to harm her. Not two weeks before she was killed, she and I had discussed what to do about his escalating behaviour. So I live every day with the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s”. At one point, I even blamed myself that I had not taught my daughter how to “drop and roll” if he showed up with a gun. Now I hear they are even teaching it in some schools in the States. What has our society come to that we should have to worry about teaching our children to “drop and roll”?. Last week, I received the final autopsy report. My daughter was fatally wounded by the first shot that hit her, so now at least I know that teaching her to “drop and roll” would not have saved her, and I can stop blaming myself for that part. (As an ex-cop, I know about “drop and roll”. Imagine the guilt of an ex-cop whose child is murdered…..) Sadly, there is likely little any of us could have done. We cannot be with our children every single moment of every day. I’m so very sorry for the death of your little boy Kai. My daughter was my youngest child too although 26 when she died. To everyone on this site, I’ve learned, as Richard and others say, that I’m still very much Lindsay’s Mum. You’re still Kai’s Mom. Richard is still Kollin’s Dad. Julie, Haney, Patricia, you are still your children’s Moms. I’m alive to preserve Lindsay’s legacy, tell her story (and in doing so, perhaps cause some young women or young men to leave troubled relationships as Lindsay had done, but to try to exit safely), and still here to carry on some of the work she did with people with special needs.

    Richard, I agree with you, from the very first day, I could not stand the words, “I lost my child”. You are absolutely right. I did not LOSE my daughter. I know it is society’s polite euphemism for “death”. Though 26 years old and away at university, we were best friends and spoke or texted every day often several times a day, and she came home nearly every weekend or every other weekend. A couple of weeks ago, I was asked for the first time by a stranger how many children I have. I answered “Two. One is 29 and the other was killed last year, but is still with me.” (I read that somewhere as an approach to this question.)

    Julie, THANK you for the DOORKNOB! You made me smile. Sometimes, you’re right. There just is no other word. I am feeling a bit of the heat this week from having torn a strip of my inlaw, but the doorknob comment will help me keep it in perspective! A deepest thank you as always to everyone on this site. Julie, this is the place I come when I feel the desperate need to connect with people who truly understand the magnitude of our sorrow.and agony.

    • Patty and Alison, thank you so much for responding. I am relieved to find some people who understand this horror. I believe there is nothing more catastrophic that can happen to a person than having your child die. I would have taken anything else over this.

      I agree with the comments about “losing” a child. Kai isn’t lost. I know exactly where his body is and I know his soul is with God in heaven. He isn’t lost, he died. I have used the word “died” from the beginning. The euphemisms and trite sayings drive me nuts, although I know people generally mean well.

      Patty, I think I read that your son Matthew died on February 7, 2013. Kai died on Saturday, February 16, 2013 at 4:30 PM. To have your only child die is beyond comprehension.

      Alison, your daughter Lindsay’s picture and story made me cry. She is so beautiful.

      I am so sorry for both of you and for all of us.

      Why do I feel worse now, 15 months after my son’s death, than I did a year ago? I feel like I am regressing into a place I may never come back from. I certainly didn’t expect that I would feel a lot better, but I didn’t expect to be worse. I thought nothing could feel worse than I felt in the first year. But this second year seems to be getting much harder. I am having harder time “faking it” at work and I find myself avoiding people at all cost. A lot of the time I am incapable of making conversation, even with family. I suppose this is all normal but what is normal? I don’t know what normal means any more.

      • Lisa, I feel the same way.  When I read your last entry, I felt as if the words were coming out of my mouth.  Especially when you commented about not feeling better after 15 months.  I just told my sister this morning that the first Mother’s Day without Matthew was easier than this past one.  I’ve always heard that time heals all wounds, but not when it comes to losing such a important part of your life – the wound can’t heal.  I feel the same way you do about avoiding people.  Lately, I’ve said to myself, “I just want to be left alone”.  The reason we carry on is for others.  We really don’t have the desire to exist, but we have to for the sake of those that love us. It would be wonderful if we could all go back and do things over, but we can’t. When Matthew was 7 years old, he almost drowned.  When I read your story I wondered how I would have felt if I hadn’t been able to save him!  When he died he was 30 years old. I had 23 more years with him, but it’s too painful to allow myself to remember them.  I still haven’t been able to pull his pictures out of the containers and look at them.  Unfortunately, Lisa, this is the new normal for us.  Just knowing that one day we will see our beautiful sons again gives us the strength to carry on.

  63. Lisa, I read in one of the many books that people gave me when Lindsay was killed that for those whose children have died, the second year can actually be worse than the first. I think this may be because in the first year, we are still in shock and trying to process or even begin to accept or understand what has happened. So perhaps it is not until the second year that the full realization of the permanency of the absence of our child from our daily lives hits us. To those people who have thought I should be much better now that a year has passed, I actually reply that in the reading I have done, I have learned that for some, the second year is actually worse. Perhaps it’s the very fact that people expect us to have “moved on” (grrrrr….) after a year that makes it all the harder for us to cope in the second year, as we may feel we sometimes have to defend or justify to people why we are not where they think we should be in our recovery…….we are here for you Lisa, and are here together. I told my counsellor about this group and how supportive it is of one another.

    Jody, thank you for the new article on this topic.

  64. Thank you Lisa for sharing your story. None of us want to be here and we have this place to vent where we all understand. Saturday was horrible for me because I had to go to my sons cousin/best friend’s wedding. He was supposed to be one of the groomsmen and his absence was very obvious since they didn’t fill his space and the girl had to walk down the isle alone. Sunday was a bad crying day too. I put my Mother’s Day card from last year on the table at least. If the second year is worse I will never make it. I don’t go anywhere unless I absolutely HAVE to and it has been 6 months. I feel like my life is over and I will never have fun again. Hugs and condolences to all of you.

    • Haney, I read your story and I am so, so sorry about your son. Your grief is so new, and I don’t know how you managed to go to the wedding. There are events that I am still not able to attend, even at the risk of being thought of as rude by other people. The bottom line for me is that I am enduring the worst thing that can ever happen to a person, and so if other people are upset that I cannot participate in an event, then so be it. My survival is more important – if not for me, then for the sake of my remaining son and my parents.

      I can only speak for myself but the reason I am on this site now is because I am having a harder time now. After 15 months of this, I am so desperate for a place where others understand. I hit a point around the one year anniversary of Kai’s death where I said, ok, that’s enough. This has gone on long enough. It’s time he comes home to me. I was screaming this, at God or who, I don’t know. Of course he can’t come home to me. I thought I could work through the worst of the grief mostly alone in my head but I simply can’t. I went to a support group for a few times but I am a very quiet and shy person and it just wasn’t for me. I don’t feel comfortable speaking and crying in front of people. This seems like a wonderful place to find understanding.

      Richard, I have read your posts and I am so, so sorry about your son. Your story grieves me also because you also tried to resuscitate your son and failed. We have that in common. When you wrote about holding your dead son in your arms, I cried because I did, too. This is something so beyond comprehension that I think part of my brain is still in shock. I still cannot believe what I saw when I ran into my backyard. It was a sight so horrific that I do not know if I will ever recover from it. And yet, would I want anyone else to have held him first? I was the first person to hold him when he came into this world and I was the first person to hold him when he left it.

      Hugs to all. Thank you all for your kind responses. I am especially vulnerable right now and you all have made my life a little easier.

      • I’m so sorry

    • Haney!
      You have SO much courage! My son (Brandon/ BJ) passed away Feb 18, 2013 so I have had 15 months and I still do not feel like a real person. I am forever changed. Forever. I have stopped trying to be the old me for that women is gone! But you went to a wedding and that takes courage beyond what you thought you had. I want to tell you how proud I am, one mom to another, that you went.
      Of course that certainly does not mean that you need to force your self to continue at that pace. I look back at what I did to be polite in the first year and it makes me soooo mad. WHY would I ever do half those things just to please someone else is beyond me. The things I did that would have pleased my son, those Im proud of. Be proud of your courage Haney.
      May 30th our 2nd son gets married. I have NO clue how I will be that day. Everything screams BJ should be here. I have had 15 months to get ready to do something like this, you only had 6. I want to cheer your courage and tell you how proud your son would have been.
      I have have done all the “firsts” and was so thankful that someone else said the seconds are harder. The seconds are so much harder.
      I to feel like the shock buffer helped me. Its gone! The pain is no longer numbed by shock.
      We lost a son and a daughter in law that day. Its the son I mourn without end. I guess because he was mine. I KNOW BJ will be cheering our family as we go together to watch his brother and his wonderful wife. Isnt it tough to figure out the emotions when the sad spills on the happy all the time!
      At 6 months passed BjJ’s death I had no happy. I cried every single day for one solid year. I did again today. Alone, in the car, on a country road going to do wedding stuff. I stopped and cried. Sobbed actually. At the injustice of it all.
      Be very kind to yourself Haney. Be very gentle. Your broken and bleeding and you need to be as gentle to yourself as you would be to one of us.
      I send a heartfelt hug to you. You will be in my prayers.

  65. I too lost a precious child. Jesse was an awesome 16 year old.One day he was alive and the next day I found him dying on his bedroom floor. He died from SUDEP.I had 5 days to say goodbye. Jesse died January 10th 2013. It seems like yesterday. I am having a hard time right now because he should be graduating with his friends.My heart is forever broken.

  66. I don’t feel like the second year is worse, I feel like its just as bad but different. Think every year is going to be just as hard but different. Love you Bubba.

  67. Today would have been my Matthew’s 32nd birthday. My heart has ached all day. I should be baking a German Chocolate cake and buying ice cream, but instead, I sit and cry. Today, I went shopping to try and get my mind off of how much I desperately love and miss him. Everywhere I went, I saw things that reminded me of him. I’ll be so glad when this day ends!!! Days like these are so difficult for all of us grieving parents 😦

    • Patty, my heart is with you. There are so many days that are such painful reminders of what we should be doing for and with our children. Every single day I think, I should be making Kai’s breakfast. I should be packing his lunch for school or summer camp. He should be riding in the car with me and we should be singing our favorite songs. I should be reading to him and tucking him in bed. I should be able to hug and kiss him. The list goes on and on. Every day is hard but birthdays, holidays and other special days are sheer torture. I am so sorry for the extra grief and pain today, on Matthew’s birthday.

    • Patty I will be going through the same thing next week…my sons birthday will be the 11th. It is a real struggle to just live while in so much pain. It seems so unfair that our loving children are gone and we are here to suffer for the rest of our lives. Try to hang in there…we are all in misery with you. Hugs and best wishes to you all and thanks for keeping in touch.

      • Oh The birthdays…..and for that matter any other day that was special to us when our precious kids are alive. Oh SO hard.
        Patty, I hear your heart and my prayers are with you.
        One day at a time. One event at a time. One moment at a time and some days, one breath at a time. BUT remember that everyone who writes here does so because they know your pain and our thoughts and hearts hold you close. Hugs to you Patty! And to each of you who face “the birthday” in the coming month.

    • Dear Patty, my heart is with you . Our children, our sons and daughters, oh how we all grieve so deeply, and miss them so much. Each day is a new challenge and each day we manage to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

      • So true Lee Anne. Patty and Haney, I feel for you both. Birthdays are so hard.

        For me, I have to fact Father’s Day next week (He died almost 3 years ago shortly after his 13th birthday) . Kollin gave me a #1 Dad t-shirt shortly before he died. After he died, I swore I could never wear that again. After all, I failed to save him. What kind of dad does that make me??!!

        However, I plan to wear that shirt this Father’s Day. He gave it to me and I will wear it in his honor (But only on Father’s Day).

        Birthdays are even worse. That was the day we welcomed them to life. It only makes it harder to handle knowing we have also gone through their death.

        I love you all. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, feelings and your memories of your child. Each time I feel that I learn more about that special child you lost and a part of that becomes a part of me.

        Hang in there. As everyone has said, we must take it a day at a time. I know for me, that is the best I can do.

    • To all of you that have shared so much with me, I would love to share with you a video that provides me some peace. Please play this:

      • Richard! Thank you!
        I have listened to and watched a load of songs since my son died. I would quickly turn them off and think “who wrote that crap?”
        This song speaks right to a parents heart. Right to the spot that knows the person who wrote that song understands the feeling of missing like crazy, and the truth that we will see our children again in Heaven. Thank you, thank you for posting this today.
        Its been a week since our second son got married. The excitement is over. The mess cleaned up. The projects are over. And for me the sorrow came like a tidal wave that I held back for as long as I could. We miss our first son to the depth of our very souls. As we brace for father’s day without BJ we are humbled to have been blessed to have him as our son. The time far to short. The loss far to great. Like you, we will proudly speak of him that day. The first son that made my husband a DAD! Whoa, what an honor.
        Our prayers will be with you Richard. We may never meet but we are praying for you!
        Thank you again for the song. We will treasure it as the gift it was meant to be.

      • Hi Richard, today you are on my mind and in my prayers.

  68. Thank you so much Lisa, Haney, Julie, Lee Anne, and Richard for responding to my post. I feel a connection with all of you that I don’t feel with some of my friends. Unless you have lost a child, you can’t understand the deep agonizing pain. Richard, I’m glad that you have decided to wear the shirt that Kollin gave you. Yesterday, I went shopping on Matthew’s birthday. I thought that it would help me get through the day. While shopping, I saw a book on a shelf in the children’s department. The book was titled “Goodnight Moon”. It was one of Matthew’s favorite books as a toddler. As I flipped through it, memories of him asking me to read it over and over came to mind. I found myself smiling as tears filled my eyes. It felt strange to smile and cry at the same time. It would be great if God allowed us to visit with our children in heaven – the angels would have to kick us out because we wouldn’t want to leave. It was difficult yesterday on Matt’s birthday, but I made it through, and I will continue to make it.

    • Richard, I too am glad you are going to wear the shirt Kollin gave you. What you wrote brings tears because I can relate so well. I am looking at a Mother’s Day gift that Kai make for me when he was in Pre-K 4. It’s a flower pot with 5 paper flowers. Each flower has something written on it that he told his teacher he loved about me. One of the flowers says “she keeps me safe.” Many times I almost threw that flower away because it’s not true. I didn’t keep him safe! He drowned! I failed at a parent’s most basic responsibility! I apologize to him over and over for failing him so terribly. Somehow I know that he sees from heaven and forgives me, but I will never forgive myself for not being able to save him.

  69. I read stories after my Matthew died of people that had near death experiences or had died and was brought back to life. One thing that each story had in common was that they were told that they had to return to earth because it wasn’t their time. Each of them asked to stay in heaven, but God sent them back. They were all disappointed that they couldn’t stay there with God because they all felt peace and love unlike any other they had known. I believe that if God had given Matt the choice to return to me or stay in heaven, he would have chosen heaven. We will have our children back one day, but it must be a time of God’s choosing. Even though my mind tells me that Matt is at peace – my heart wants him back!

  70. Lisa can only send a hug be gentle on yourself .

  71. I wish I could take everyone’s pain and sadness away along with my own. This is a long journey. So hard. I heard a comment on TV today that everyday we survive is a tribute to our children. We each have to find our own way and learn from and support each other. I pray daily for all of us and our children.

  72. Thank you Lee. Father’s day and Kollin’s birthday continue to be difficult to get through. I appreciate all of you. Let’s all do our best to hang in there and be the legacy our children would be proud of.

    • Thank you Richard. I am glad to hear from you, I have been concerned for you. Take care and know you are not alone.

  73. First, I want to say that I am so very sorry that any of you have to experience the pain of losing a child, it is the absolute worse pain ever. Our beloved 24 year old son was murdered on February 17, 2014 at 6:38 pm while trying to save the life of another. I can’t even begin to explain the misery that I feel everyday. I went from being the “go-to” person with solutions for most things to the person who can’t focus enough to get through most conversations. I can’t even sleep in my room for fear of not being able to come out again. So, to help my family, I sleep in the den and that helps me to stay “engaged.” I feel like NO ONE ELSE understands the pain that I feel and NO ONE ELSE misses my son like I do. My husband and daughter have been so great through out everything but I often feel that they will grow tired and want the old me back. However, the reality is that I believe the old me died with our precious son on February 17, 2014 at 6:38 pm and I don’t know who I will become now. I feel that crying all the time is who I am and keeping myself together and fighting back the tears is a “fake” persona that I have made up. Misery seems to be my new disposition and it’s maddening that people see me forcing myself to do things and think that I am “better” or “OK” UGHHH!!! SO frustrating!!! I AM NOT BETTER AND I AM NOT OK!! I don’t know what will happen next or if they will ever catch our dear son’s killer but I do know that this misery seems to have become a new part of our life and there’s nothing that we can do about it.
    I am sure that many of you have asked the question “why my child?, why our family? why me?” and I don’t know but I can say that pain is no respecter of persons and losing a child causes some of the deepest and darkest pain that I have ever encountered.

    • I am so very sorry about your son. I understand the pain you feel and so do the other parents here. My son died on February 16, 2013. I just passed the 16 month mark and I can tell you that there are many days that I am still in the fog of grief. I call it a black hole because that is what it feels like. I am forever changed by my son’s death. I completely echo what you wrote… the person I was died with my little boy and will never return. I am trying to find a new path and somehow let this make me into a better person but it is a long, hard journey and there is no timeline for this kind of grief. Every day I remind myself to keep taking one minute, one hour, and at the most, one day at a time. It’s ok not to be better right now. What kind of person would be better, in your case, four months after burying their child??? If anyone is “better” that quickly, well, I don’t want to judge but at the very least I would say they are in denial. I do believe what others who are further along tell me… that the intense, screaming pain does soften in time and the sorrow becomes muted to the point where you can find joy in life again. I hold on to these words and believe that it will happen. In the meantime, hang on for the loved ones here with you and be compassionate and gentle with yourself. This is a good place to vent and the people here are wonderfully supportive. Hugs to you.

    • I am so very sorry and feel your pain. We are a group no one wants to be part of but we help each other by sharing thoughts and feelings we know TOO WELL. I will never be the old smiling happy me again and I also feel I died when my son did. People keep saying it will probably take a year to get over it, but they don’t know how different it feels when it is your child. I too have had parents and other loved ones that died, but it does not compare to your child. I never imagined how much pain a person could have and still live, until now. Please keep in touch with us and vent your anger and pain to those who really understand. Hopefully they will find the monster and he will be punished. Hugs to you.

    • cgattyatlaw, please know you are not alone. We are all here for you. Only those of us that have lost a child can even come close to understanding the pain we must live with. When people say to me they can not imagine the pain, they are right. I hope they never will.

      My son died 3 years ago. However, the pain has not gone away. I do now find some joy from time to time, but the tears are still there.

      Thought I would feel better after a year. Found that was not the case.

      I am SO SORRY about your son. I would like to know more about him.

      Please take care and hang in there. Hugs to you.

    • I also want to add that I, and I am sure the other parents here, understand the frustration you feel when people see you resuming your activites and responsibilites and think that is a sign that you are better or ok. Sometimes I want to scream, NO! Don’t you dare think I am better or ok or moving on just because I am here at work and smiling because I am not! What I am, what you are and what every parent here is, is COURAGEOUS. The unthinkable has happened to us and yet we are still here and we are doing our best to go on and make our beautiful children proud.

  74. cgattyatlaw, only a parent that has lost a child can understand the deep pain that you feel. Time doesn’t heal the pain , but things do get better with time. My son died February 7, 2013 and it look a year before I could make any plans for the future. I would live for the day only. I saw no point in planning for the future without my son. It’s normal for you to feel the way you do. The first year I thought of dying much of the time. I will never heal, but I’ve learned to make some plans. In the beginning, I functioned for the benefit of other loved ones , but after many months I’ve learned to laugh and enjoy things again. I will never return to the person I was before I lost my child, but things are much better. I’ve wished many times that I had another child. I know that the pain of losing my Matthew would be just as deep, but at least I would have another child to comfort me. It sounds like your son was a hero. He saved the life of someone else, and in the process he lost his own. I know your pain too well, and I pray that God will put his loving arms around you and provide you with peace.

  75. Thanks Lisa. I lost my 8yr son Colby this Feb When a TV/cart fell on him. It has been so hard for me and my wife

    • Robert, I am so sorry about Colby. That is tragic and I truly understand what you and your wife are coping with. I thought my (former) husband was watching our 5 year old son as I was taking care of some business in front of our house. He was not. I found my son in the bottom of our pool. I did CPR but he was already gone. The horror of that day is beyond words and my heart goes out to both of you. There are many days still now when the sorrow feels too much to bear. It is comforting that I can come here and vent and know that other people understand and care. Hugs to both of you.

      • So true Lisa. Robert, I am SO SORRY about what happened to Colby. My heart breaks for both of you. My 13yr old son Kollin died when he fell and hit his head in the bathroom. Pulled him out and also tried to do CPR. Didn’t work. Sure makes me feel like a failure as a dad. It took over a week before my wife and I found the courage to clean up the blood in our living room (Where I had pulled him out of the bathroom). Until then, all we could do was cover the spot up with a towel. The healing takes a long time and the scar in my soul will never go away. Thought I would be better in a year but like so many here, still was in pain. I don’t expect to ever get over it, just through it. Please hang in there. Our children were to be our legacy. Instead, we are theirs. They live on in us. Hugs to all!

  76. I’m having a real bad day today…nothing but tears flooding down as I write this. It’s a pretty day outside but nothing seems to matter. I just feel dead and can find no purpose in life. I never knew that my entire life was for my son until he died. I wish I had another child or a grandchild but the only comfort I have is my dog and he is getting old. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself and can’t help it …today is 9 months since he died and some days are better, but I just can’t seem to feel anything but pain. I have lost contact (by choice) with all the people I used to be friends with or worked with and don’t have anything in common with them anymore. I only have this group to talk to and grieve with. I hope you all are doing better than me and that it gets better for us all.

    • Haney, I’m sorry that you’re having a such a bad day. I had one of those days yesterday. My son Matthew died 17 months ago, and there are days when it feels like it was just yesterday. There are days that I laugh, and there are days when I walk around all day feeling depressed. There are days that I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. And there are days that I don’t want any connection with anyone or anything. Like you, I wish that I had another child to focus on or a grandchild. It’s OK to feel sorry for yourself – you’ve earned it for sure. Sometimes, I wish that I had never been born because the pain seems to much to bear. Sometimes, I resent the fact that I have to pretend that I’m OK, so my husband won’t feel bad. I hate the fact that I have to be strong for others. The pain of losing an only child is beyond explanation. I’m sure that when my times comes, my cause of death will be by a “broken heart”. If you have family and friends close by you really shouldn’t cut them off because you really need them. I wish that I had relatives or friends close to me. I live too far away from them. When you get depressed, remember you son’s sweet face and his smile. That image will help you get through the day. My prayers are with you.

    • Haney and Patty,
      my heart aches for you both and I wish there was a way to reach out to hug you both. I have 2 other sons but there are many days where focusing on them isn’t enough. In fact I wish I didnt have to do it.
      I can not fathom your pain in the loss of your only child. Please accept my deep heart sympathy.
      Yesterday my new puppy (something to help grow) chewed a family heirloom. I began to cry and that cry lasted 12 solid hours. Today my face is swollen and I can barely see. My heart aches, my head is in pain and my very soul mourns. It wasn’t the puppy, the item or the day. It was the work it takes to hold the pain inside. I couldn’t hold that tight any more and I felt and still feel today just like you both spoke of. My oldest son died 18 months ago and I am NOT better. I am NOT over it, around it, through it or past it. I feel like the very last string holding me together broke yesterday. I would have given anything to not wake up this morning and face another day. Even the puppy cant help today.
      i couldn’t keep a precious son alive what business do I have trying to train a new puppy? Those lies rolled over in my heart all night. I know they are not true but I do think them, feel them and believe them in the night.
      I have left old friends. They have lives that are mixed with my good life. The one before a grave side. They have kids and grandkids that would have been with the ones I should have had. I guess my point is that it is all very complicated and only here are we allowed to voice the truth.
      As I read your truth, my heart aches with you and I promise to encourage you on my good days and soak up your encouragement on your good day.
      Blessings to you all, my prayers are with each one of you.

      • Julie and Patty thanks for being there! I really don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have this place to express my thoughts and pain. It is comforting to know that someone understands and is out there. I feel for all of you on here and hope we can help each other and we will all have better days.

    • Haney, my heart is with you and all the other parents on this site. The pain we all cope with every day and night is beyond the comprehension of anyone who has not had a child die. On August 16th it will be 18 months since my 5 year old son died. It may as well have been yesterday. I am still in deep grief. I wish we could all have our children back and be free of this sorrow. I am so sorry for all of us.

  77. Julie and Haney, it looks like yesterday was a bad day for all of us. I’m hoping that today will be a better day for us. I cried harder last night than I had in a long time. I love animals and have four of them – three dogs and a cat – but sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to deal with them. When Matthew was alive I enjoyed them much more than I do now. I seem to have lost interest in all things around me. Most of us that have lost a child wish that God had taken us too. Most of us feel that we died the day that our children died. How do you find joy in living again? Talking to people on this site made me realize that the pain is equally as deep no matter how many children you have. Just because you have other children doesn’t mean that the pain is any less when you lose a child. It just means that grieving parents with other children to care for have a strong feeling of obligation to the remaining children. May God be with each and every parent that has lost a child. The pain seems too great to bear at times, but we all will get through it!

    • I empathize and sympathize with every bereaved parent on this site. My son Michael died in October 2004 at age 20. Unbelievably, I am coming up on 10 years when I didn’t even think I could make it a day let alone thousands of days. Every comment that I read on this site rings so familiar to all the thoughts and feelings that I have experienced in the last 10 years. Although many of you cannot see this now, things will get softer in time. I say this to give you hope but now you are so fresh in your loss that I will meet you where you’re at in your journey. This is an awful, horrific, painful journey and so I encourage you to truly take it one moment at a time. You will need to FEEL your way through this grief. Feel the pain, let it wash over you, and let the tears fall and fall and fall. If you feel like screaming when you’re crying, do it, it’s called wailing. It’s all the love you feel for your child screaming out. If you need to spend the day in bed, do it, do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself. You cannot be there for anybody else unless you can be there for yourself. And to those who have other children to attend to, of course, it is necessary to be there for them. And you can explain to them that you will need a few hours to just be in your pain. I wish I could meet each and everyone of you and give you a big, tight hug. This experience is not for the faint hearted. You will come out on the other side a different person, and from my personal experience as well as my observations as a chapter leader for a support group for bereaved parents, 99.9% come out on the other side a much better person for it. So do not be afraid of your feelings, of your experiences, it is molding you to eventually accept that which is totally not acceptable. God bless you in your grief.

  78. I lost my son 3 weeks ago the pain is so bad I don’t want to go on I am mad at myself because I am in so mush pain I cant help my other boys or any other family member I am mad at god I know he did not cause this but he let it happen I need help I am at anyone who tells me they know what Im going threw or how I feel they don’t they are not me its not getting better its getting worse harder more painful the anger is in my chest tearing me apart PLEASE HELP

    • Sheila, thank you for writing. I am so, so very saddened to learn of the death of your son.

      Please don’t be mad at yourself for how you are grieving. There is a blog on this site posted on the physical reality that science has proven that what you are feeling is REAL and it is in your body as much as in your heart and your head. It is as real as if you were physically assaulted. You can’t make yourself “hurt less” if you are hit by a car or struck with an axe. How you feel is how the greatest emotional assault possible for a human being has left you feeling. Time is irrelevant right now; three weeks has not been enough time for your body and mind to physically process it. We can start by acknowledging that your pain is REAL. And it is debilitating for you.

      The anger is also understandable. At the situation and (even) at God. Don’t worry about “offending” God; God knows well the pain that is in your heart. Many, many of us have struggled with anger issues after our children are taken from us, however or why ever they died. If you can, and this is hard, but you sound like “before” you were a person of faith who feels now abandoned by that faith, consider that God’s covenant with us is not to prevent sadness and sorrow and illness, accident, or the pain another might inflict. It is to be there at the end of physical life, regardless of the door that brought your child back to the embrace of God, and to comfort not only the child, but the mother and father in the assurance of everlasting “life” or energy. The possibility of reunification is something you can talk to your spiritual leader about or read about if ever you are interested. Life is energy and energy never dies. This we can all agree upon; what that means for you and your thoughts of your son will become a life-long and very personal spiritual question over time; it won’t be answered this soon or here. But help is within reach for your anger at God.

      You might find yourself angry with friends who think they understand (they don’t) and even with one child for surviving when another one did not — angry at a family member for not expressing grief the same way as you. Angry at parents who still have their children and don’t appreciate them or care for them the way you’d like them to. Angry at the world for actually caring about Kim Kardashian or what song is popular. You will find many, many things to make you mad, especially during the first year. The important thing is that you not implode with the anger, or let your anger shoot out sideways, on your other grieving children, etc. The important thing is that you reach out for help, as you are doing.

      When you absolutely cannot stand the stress, go outside and smash a plate. I am very serious. Buy some plates at a thrift store that you can keep on hand to smash and throw them hard on the cement (but not near other people, pets, etc.) and plan to smash more than one. It won’t change anything, and you’ll have a mess to clean up, but it will be a physical release and a better place to put the anger.

      It sounds as if you have dependent-age children living with you. Tell them before you smash the plates what you intend to do, so you don’t frighten them. You can help your other boys by being present. When you can’t do it all the time, ask for help from friends. The boys are grieving, too, and helping children cope is our responsibility, but sometimes we have to ask for help. When you can do it, be in the very moment with them and MAKE yourself comment on something positive they are doing so that they don’t believe that they are the reason for your sorrow. Talk about sorrow with them, at an age appropriate level — and you can ask a counselor, if you can afford one, or a school counselor (ask for an advance appointment) to help you or to advise you. Also, let the school know in advance what has happened so that the counselor can help them readjust to their “new normal” or what I prefer to call “After”.

      Sheila, no one knows what your unique experience is, but this community cares about you and your struggle. If you read other parent’s remarks, you will know that you are not alone, and that we do read and respond. We ARE here. We DO care. Let us help hold you up. One minute at a time, minute by minute.

      You need to be able to express your rage; that is becoming toxic for you. Smash plates, call in a friend, treat this like an emergency and get professional help if you can. And read the comments posted here. I’m sure others will soon respond, too, to help you.


      • Sheila I am so sorry you have this terrible path to tread. Sadly its one we all know ,be gentle with yourself hang in there if you can for your other boys they need you .kathy

    • Oh Sheila! Im am so deeply sorry and the tears pour for your family as I type this. It has been just under 18 months since our son died and I still feel the pain you talked about, on certain days. I want to take a moment to tell you that my family is praying for yours. There is so much I want to tell you about hope but right now all you need to know is the truth that God holds your precious son in His almighty arms and your baby is safe. That God has not blinked or slept and missed what is happening to you. He did not look away and He cries with us. God is big enough to shoulder our anger and He knows it so we might as well lay it all out there!
      I promise to be right here and if you want to talk you just leave a message here. This community will hold you up, wont leave you and will be grieving for you and with you.
      Get what ever your doctor will give you to sleep a few hours. You body and heart are broken and you need to recover through sleep. Be gentle to yourself.

    • Sheila, it has only been 3 months for you. You have to give yourself much more time to begin to heal. Your pain will begin to heal a little at a time. When my son died, I was just like you. I wanted to die all the time. I didn’t feel that I could make it one more day. It was the worst mental pain I had ever experienced. Then, one day I was able to laugh again. I still get depressed, but things are much better now. You have to go on because you know your child would want you to go on. You need to be able to smile again because your child would want you to smile (even though you may feel guilty), you need to go on because you have others that need you. I promise you that things will get better. I don’t think that I will ever be the person that I was before my son Matthew died, but I will keep going for him. Everyone on this site Sheila has experienced the same pain that you are experiencing, so if you need to talk, just jump on your computer and talk about your pain. We are here for you.

  79. Sheila, I am so sorry. My 5 year old son died 18 months ago. I wish that no one else would ever have to go through this. Please know that you are not alone. We have to help each other because no one else can understand what this is like. When the anger and sorrow builds up, I get away from everyone and I scream and cry until I feel the pain and pressure let up a little bit. You have to get it out. Grief is like a pressure cooker. It builds up often and you have to let it out in a safe place. Many times I have laid on top of my son’s grave and wailed, literally wailed and screamed into the ground. I have cried in my car more times than I can possibly count. I cry everywhere… the grocery store, at work, when I see children his age. There is no limit to a parent’s grief when your child has died. Let it out, but try to remember that your other children need you, too. I know how hard this is. Grief is so overwhelming. Take one minute at a time. Don’t think ahead. Just get through this minute, this hour, this night. We are here for you.

  80. Sheila, it has been 9 months for me since my only son died and I really feel your pain. I don’t know what I would do without this site and the ability to say ANYTHING I feel. It really helps to vent…we will never get over it, but just knowing that others are out there with the same pain can understand and grieve with you. Try to read everything Jody has written since she went through it and is also very knowledgeable about what we are feeling. I still cry and the anger and WHY keeps popping up, also wasn’t there something I could have done???? I know we can’t go back, but I wish we could. Try to hang in there one day or hour at a time. We are in here with you and any time you feel things you can’t say to others, write to us. Hang in there.

    • Haney I go back all the time its 17 months since my son died and I replay everything in my mind continually. I wish I had been a better mother to him I wish I could go back to when he was a little boy. I went back last week to the cottage where we lived when he was born I took his little girl with me. I tried to see him again as a baby as the little one he was .There was nothing that baby is gone forever .I wish I could comfort us all I wish I could put back time .kathy

  81. My Dear Watering Hole friends I am in need of your advice.
    Some of you are further along this journey than I and some have passed milestones I have not yet passed. I have 2 coming up that I could use help on.
    First of all its been 18 months since BJ has been gone and in one month our second son turns 28. The age BJ was when he died. That completely freaks me out and Im not sure why. I think that the truth is that Bryce will pass BJ in age and that kills me! How does one handle that day?
    Secondly, we have to go this coming week to chose a marker. I have put it off as long as I can and now it must be done. Before the dark of winter and his next birthday, christmas all at one time. How does one handle that? Can you tell me why you chose what you did to put on your babies markers?
    Thank you for sharing the depth of your hearts with me. I treasure your advice and care.

    • Julie, it has been over 3 years since my son Kollin died. He was just over 13yrs old. It was hard and strange when his younger sister turned 13 two years ago (She is 1 year younger then Kollin). She is almost 16 now, but still considers Kollin to be her “Big Brother”.

      As for the headstone, we chose 4 symbols that we felt represented Kollin’s spirit. We chose trees (We live in the country. He and my wife loved hiking together through the woods). We chose a football (He wanted to play football when he got older and loved watching the games with us). We chose a dachshund (We have 3 and he loved those dogs). Finally, we chose a flying eagle to represent the free spirit he was and will always be in our hearts.

      18 months is still so raw. Please hang in there Julie. We are all here for you.


    • Julie, I can’t suggest anything as far as the marker because when Matthew died, he wanted to be cremated. We haven’t chosen a place for his final resting place because my husband and I don’t know where we will retire, so we are holding onto his remains until we know where we will retire. We want to chose a place in which we call all be buried together. I think I understand why your other son’s upcoming birthday scares you. It’s not the date – it’s what the date represents. You probably feel the same way you felt the first Christmas, Mother’s Day, and thanksgiving. You want to celebrate your other son’s birthday, but it makes you sad that BJ isn’t there to celebrate it with him. What you are feeling is normal. You will get through it just as you have gotten through all the other holidays. My prayers are with you!

    • Hi Julie, our son died 10 months ago. He was 19 years old, and died of an accidental overdose. There are parts of me that are still in shock and denial, and other parts that are working vigilantly through our foundation to help others with underlying mental health issues and substance abuse find better treatment options than what was available to Harris ( We are Jewish and just had his unveiling which is when family and friends gather to see the memorial and share memories. We worked together as teams to light sky lanterns and some worked and some didn’t which we all thought Harris enjoyed watching from above. We chose a bench as his marker with sentiments that reflected his life, and had a soccer ball, musical notes and a notebook and pen with a line of a poem he wrote for his sister engraved. It is really such a personal decision, but should feel right to you and your family. Today is one year to the day since I last hugged and kissed Harris in person. We brought him to Florida to a treatment program that included the opportunity to attend college. We thought it was going to be the start of such amazing things for him, and are so devastated that that was not the case. NOTHING will ever change the place that Harris holds in my life and heart, I am just doing my best to make it through! Praying for all of us to have courage and strength!

      • To each of you who answered me, THANK YOU!
        You have helped us so much! You have made it ok for me to get this done and I have read and re-read your answers and spent allot of time looking at the Harris Project page. Stephanie, I have walked in those places and my heart aches for you. Time allows the good memories to take the place of the bad, however, I am NOT sure how long that time is as I have not gotten there just yet.
        We have chosen a bronze marker in the form of a book. It will have his full name (Brandon Joseph) as well as “BJ” on it because that is who he really was to us. Lisa, I love the idea of having his signature on it also!!. BJ was a graphic artist and writer and so seeing his signature will really make that place his very own. It also reminds me of his amazing mind and talent. What a great suggestion.
        We ALWAYS said “we love you fiercely” and so we will add that at the bottom. I still struggle with the dates. Birthday, death date. I hate that short little space in time, but it is reality and so it will be there. But I believe that we will put “Stepped into Heaven February 18, 2013” I seem to be able to handle that better.
        Stephanie, we also have a gorgeous bench for our yard to mark BJ’s life. I was happy to hear that another family found that comforting and has one also. We found one made by an artist in Calgary, Alberta who’s name is Brandon. The legs are made to look like stacks of books and the top like a huge old leather journal with big brass bindings and latch. BJ had a book ready to publish called “The Art of God” and so we will have a brass plaque made for the spine of the bench with that on it.
        As for our second son’s 28th birthday coming…….I believe I struggle with the dismissal of order in our world. One should never become older than the one before him. Just as a parent should never out live a child.
        This to I will need to work on with as many tears as it takes and as long as my heart needs.
        THANK YOU for helping me.
        HANEY – you are in my prayers today and on September 3rd I will be praying that God will hold you and protect you as you do that anniversary.

  82. Julie, it has also been 18 months for me. I can’t speak to your first question because it was the younger of my two sons who died. However I would like to share what I did for a marker and why. My son Kai is buried in a single plot, so we were allowed only a flat marker. First, it was very important to me to have his photograph in ceramic on the marker. I wanted people who visit or pass by “Kai’s place” (as I call it) to see what a beautiful little boy he was. He wasn’t just a name, he was a person, a wonderful, precious person with a radiant smile. That was of primary importance to me. Second, I wanted to put something on the marker that he would have loved. He wanted to be a firefighter when he grew up. He loved dressing up as a firefighter and he told everyone we met that he was going to be a firefighter. I found a company who was able to engrave a firefighter’s helmet on the stone, and above the helmet is engraved: Our Little Firefighter. In addition, in another corner, I provided the company with a copy of the way he wrote his name. He was 5 years old, so this is something that I thought was sweet and appropriate for a child’s marker. I loved the way he wrote his name, so his name, in his own handwriting, is engraved in one corner. I also had the Bible verse engraved, Matthew 19:14, about children and the kingdom of heaven. His name, birth and death dates are on the marker, of course. That goes without saying. I picked a black granite that I hoped all the engraving would show up clearly on (and stay that way over time.) I was very moved by the way it turned out. It was the saddest project I have ever done but I wanted to honor my son and I think it does. I feel it really shows how much he is loved and that he is missed and will never be forgotten. I hope this helps you a little bit. This was a huge step for me and I will think of you as you are working on this for your son BJ.

  83. It’s another really sad day for me. This time it is MY birthday. Last year my son was taking flying lessons and took me along for my birthday. It will be 10 months sept 3 since he died and still seems like a horrible nightmare. We ordered his bronze memorial but haven’t received it back yet. We are having his picture put on it…one of him when we went to the beach last year. Things will never be right again and I know it, but I will just have to cry it out and do the best I can. Thanks for being here. Hang in there everyone. Sheila please let us know how you are doing..I think about you often.

  84. Its been 17 months now since my son Peter died and I still haven’t got a headstone for his grave . I feel bad about it and my other son is coming to help me next week . Its the words ,I have two other sons one is far away -and we simply cannot find the right words what can we say about other wonderful funny beautiful man that was Peter so full of life So much we want say and but how to say it how we loved him and miss him every day how his going has left us devastated lost and changed forever .so we procrastinate and do nothing. I cry even thinking about it. Its so hard I think you are all so brave I think of you all the time . Take care of yourselves .

    • Kathy, your post stuck my heart so deeply today.
      I want you to know that I am walking RIGHT where you are and I will be praying for you this week as you and your son choose such a precious item for Peter.
      It has been over 18 months since my son, BJ, died. We still have not gotten a marker but in 3 days have an appointment to go choose one. Our 2 sons that are left have given us their in put and I think that we have some ideas that will honour who BJ really was. Like you, I cried all the time and so avoided this. We are so heart broken that I could not fathom doing this. It is one of the last things we will do for our dear child and so want to get it just right.
      I asked my Watering Hole Friends to help me with this and if you read the comments above you will read their amazing idea’s. They helped me greatly. I know the day we go their hearts will pray for us. The day you go let us all know so we can pray for you! Not one of us should do this alone. Not one of us should do this! However, we have to so lets band together and hold each other up. At times it seems a bit silly to me to sit here and talk about such deep heart things with total strangers! But the people here were not strangers to me from the moment they said “my child died”. They are friends in the deepest places of the heart because only they have done the things I am doing or will have to do. Trust that we care and will be praying for you as you choose a marker that will tell the world something about Peter. Most of all make sure it speaks to YOU about who Peter was!
      May God hold you closely and bless you greatly in coming week.

  85. Thinking of you all ! We are hanging in there together.

  86. Once I did get through the trauma of acceptance and trying to “live” (as I have “mostly” done, I think), I have no true joy anymore. Honestly, I don’t think that I ever will. It’s been several years now and I remain stagnant. I have no dreams or hopes for myself. I know the best parts of my life are now over and have been since the death of my older daughter…it’s survival only for my little girl who is here with me. It’s so hard to explain this unique pain to anyone unless that person has felt a loss of a child, too. My soul feels empty inside most days. If I didn’t have my little 11-year-old, whom I am her entire life and vice versa, it would be so much easier not to live. Living has become work. There is little joy. I still couldn’t purposefully leave only living daughter. I know it would really mess her up for the rest of her life. I’ve researched the impact the suicide of a parent has on a child (because yes, I have flirted with the idea). I found out that suicide can be so traumatic, especially if the child is 18 and under, even causing them to battle with suicide his/her entire life. I don’t want that for my only living daughter, no matter how useless I feel inside. I am the love of her life and the sole caretaker of her pretty much now, though I admit I know I have failed her in my heart. She deserves more than I could ever give her. She didn’t ask for my pain! I feel like she has saved me in many ways, but that it wrong because it should be the other way around. I should be the one saving my daughter. She has had to watch me suffer way more than any child should have to. She is now only one year younger than my oldest daughter was when she died. It gets manageable in some ways, but the pain never goes away for me, and it never gets easy really! The death of my child has sucked the life, the joy and the purpose out of me. All I have left is the life I am living to sustain my other daughter. Sad and truly pathetic, but it’s how I feel. 😦

    I’d like to tell all of you parents that I truly am sorry that you have to feel the pain that I feel. Knowing that I am not alone doesn’t make it better. I makes me feel sad for all of you. I am sorry that I am not here to add much but my sorrow. I still hope you find some light through this. I don’t know how or when or if it is possible because I am still searching myself. I appreciate all the sharing. Your comments do help me see that my feelings are not all that unique, especially on these days when I realize that I am so messed up from all of this.

    I rarely read about this anymore because it is so hard to put my head around, but I wanted to post here today. I know I sure need all the support I can find. Love to all of you!

    • pardonn2, I am so sorry for your pain. I pretty much could have written your post. it’s been a little over 19 months since my son died, and if it weren’t for the fact that my other son needs me, I don’t think I would be here. My surviving son turned 19 a few weeks ago, but he still needs me. He has suffered more than he lets on over his brother’s death and I can’t bear the thought of him suffering one bit more or think that I loved his brother more than I love him. But this doesn’t make it any easier. I have not found joy since my younger son’s death. It’s survival for me, too. It’s sheer willpower and determination to do the best I can and get through each day.

      I still cringe when people say “how are you” to me as a greeting. This happens a lot because I work in an office with a lot of people. It just goes through me like a knife every single time what an awful greeting this is for the bereaved parent. How am I? Really… you are asking me that?? Well, how would you be if your child was dead??? I haven’t said it but I think it every time. This has been such a sore spot for me since my son’s death. I don’t know if others feel this way but this is one of the hardest things for me about functioning in the “normal” world, because I am not fine. I am anything but fine and at some level I never will be again.

      Others who are further along have told me that I will find joy again. I can’t really see how this can be but I am hopeful that I will get past the point of just surviving. At this point I’m just grateful that I’ve managed to make it this far.

      I want to say how courageous you are and all of us are for being here after what has happened to us. Big hug to you.

      • Lisa, I wish I could hug you! Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. You touched me deeply. When you mentioned it had only been 19 months, I truly shivered reading that. My heart hurts for you. Everything is so much harder for you right now! I was so sick inside at 19 months, thinking back. The pain is excruciating at this point where you are right now, and I can surely feel that from you, too. On a positive note, you have been putting your two feet together (robotic or not), and you have been walking out your door to go to work everyday. That in itself is an amazing feat you are accomplishing in such a short time after your son’s death. I am not saying that is fun or is easy in any way. I just think it is going to make you stronger months from now and especially years from now. I really do wish I would have done what you are doing much earlier, but I didn’t because of the situation I was in prior to my daughter’s death, and this has set me back so much. I think if I had I kept my life more structured like you are doing, though it probably would have been pure hell most days, I feel it would have been more therapeutic to me in the very long run ahead, unlike what I have done. I struggle with this even today and as I am writing this. Still, I think you always need to give yourself some extra time from the monotony of structure, whether it be a couple of days to reflect and to try to relax maybe by spending time with your son or even giving yourself time to cry when you need it. I think we all need that.

        Yes, yes, your boy needs you so much still!! He lost so much, too, his brother and who is mother once was. I can’t imagine how he must feel. Yet he is the bright light in your life through this! He will ALWAYS be EXTRA special to your heart, like my girl is to mine. He will be your reason in life when all else seems wrong. I am so happy you have your him, just like I have my 2nd daughter. I feel you will always look upon your son with awe and gratefulness, and you will know that at least one plan was right: this son of yours was a miracle given to you. I “almost” didn’t have another child because my older daughter had so many medical needs (from a careless medical injury) that I had to meet. I thought I didn’t deserve another child (guilt) nor did I think I could take on the task with my daughter needing so much care. But this little girl (ahhh!), too, is my angel, just as your son is yours! 🙂 I am so happy for you in that respect, that you have him, just like I have my daughter. I can only imagine how hurt he is though, first losing his brother and now watching you suffer, as my girl has watched me for eight years now! My little girl turned 3 when my daughter died. I saw some changes in her and knew it hurt her deeply. She would go into her sister’s room and look for her, asking me where she was. I would just cry because I would do the same thing, only to remember she wasn’t there. But my little girl had no understanding of it all really, and I think it was almost easier for her that way. But she still has to see me hurt even today…and your son has to see this, too, and he will never forget losing his brother. I know you will both lean on each other through it all.

        I don’t think that most people really don’t know “what” to say to us if they have never experienced the loss of a child. And for those who say nothing ever, that hurts the most for me (especially with family). People are often not cognizant of the fact this is a life-long struggle, if they even care, and I think some do. I know that I had no grasp of this kind of pain before it happened. I thought when I was younger that time healed all wounds. That sure was naive thinking. I also feel some don’t want to be around this profound type of a heartbreak. Sadly, from my perspective and where “I” am right now, I am learning still that I can’t ever fix this but I must push myself to get at least a little to get stronger now. I do hang onto the guilt that I could have changed things…that I didn’t make my child live a long, healthy life. I can’t get past the eight years ago when this tragedy happened. It’s like the cliche of being stuck in the 90s, except I am stuck in 2006. I have held onto all the guilt and pain and it hurts so much. It’s almost like self-punishment for letting her go, though I had little choice in the matter. Either way, it all still hurts like hell no matter when it happened! I know I will forever think about her and I will love her ALWAYS! We all share that!

        Blessings and peace to you always, Lisa! You certainly deserve some wonderful blessings! All of you deserve that!

  87. Wow Haney, you are spot on here!!! I feel (Or rather, don’t feel at all) exactly the same way!

    I go on day to day to care for my younger daughter. She just turned 16 and is not 3 years older than her brother when he died.

    She had to watch me go through so much grief. I became a wreck. I had become so self consumed in my grief, that I forgot she was also suffering (Having both lost her brother, and in a way, her father).

    I had to “Wake Up” and realize I was still a father. If it wasn’t for her, I also don’t think I would have made it. She gave me a purpose in life, even if I no longer feel any real joy. In fact, I live in fear from day to day that something will happen to her next! Crazy I know, but that is my fear.

    Thanks for sharing your feelings. I know what you are talking about and sure wish none of us on this site had to go through it.

    Love to all of you as well!

  88. Do you think we will ever find joy again?
    I smile and laugh but its hollow . I think people sense this they don’t warm to me and I don’t care . This facade of normality is so false and fragile , its not normal my child is dead and I’m still here.
    Mornings are the worse time ,waking up thinking something terrible has happened and it has . Everynight I take sleep aids not to help me sleep nothing can do that but to stop me dreaming . Dreaming it never happened .

    • There is no more joy. I have said this over and over to my therapist. Yes I am needed by my son and he makes smile and laugh. He has helped me in his quiet way to help me listen to music again. I still have to shut it off if the music is too happy or especialy if it was a song my daughter and I used to sing together. I look at the orange and yellow leaves against the clear blue atumn skies… my first thought is how beautiful, then, how Allie would love this, then, I start to cry because she’s not here to see it or experience it. She loved the fall so much for so many reasons, but especially because her birthday is/was in October, she would turn 19 this year. Her birthday would mark the begining of a long season of parties, festivals and family holiday gatherings. Now, it marks the beginning of the longest and most depressing time of year. I see other people and families experiencing joy and I think that I used to be like them. Not anymore. Now, I am empty inside, devoid of emotion, other than immense saddness, moving through the days and nights as a shadow of my former self. I pray each night that God take me so I can be with my daughter, I pray that I die of cancer as my mother and grandfather did. As luck would have it, my doctor says I have a massive tumor in my leg. I smiled when he told me. I thought God has finally taken mercy on my soul and has decided to take me out of this hell on earth and reunite me with my daughter, parents and grandparents. So here I am writing at 2:15am, still alive in this surreal existance- devid of joy.

  89. I hope someday we will find joy, but all I feel now is empty. People ask me “how are you or how are you doing” and I say ok I guess. What do you say? I am not ok, I am miserable. It’s been almost 10 months now and we have sold his will close next week. It has been really tough and I have cried buckets, but I know we can’t take care of it any longer. I am barely able to do what has to be done to survive. Lisa, I don’t know how you manage to work..I can’t stand to be around people. I admire your strength and courage to face coworkers every day. I retired early and planned to have a great time, but all that is gone. I can’t think of anything that I could do or anywhere I could go that would make me feel better. I wanted to travel a lot and see all of the U.S. at least, but now I don’t. I can’t even think about the future because there is none. If I had everything in the world and all the money it wouldn’t make me happy because I died when he did. I’ve had a real bad week and I look to your posts for some comfort because you all know what I’m going through. Thanks for being there and hugs to you all.

  90. I don’t know if we will ever find true joy, surely not the kind of joy we used to have. I may survive each day as I am doing, but I feel very confident in saying that I will never feel that ideal kind of happiness that I used to have. I think we have to settle for what bit of peace we can “find” in our lives, as I find most of my reason for living through my other little girl. Sometimes, if I am strong enough to help another person in need, that almost always makes me feel better, though I feel like I am “the blind helping the blind”…a bit of humor. No matter what I do, I am still plowing through the days feeling the unkind reality that never can truly go away.

    Waking up for me is the hardest part of my entire day; I guess it’s because that is definitely when I am facing reality. I like to stay up late, too, when I can…I think I do that since my daughter died because it pushes me farther away from having to go through the whole process of facing another day where I have to open my eyes, only to remember what I have lost and how lost I have become. Sometimes I dream about my daughter and I wake up for a brief moment, relieved thinking, “Thank God; it was only a bad dream.” Then a pain shoots through my stomach when I immediately realize that this nightmare is real. It’s a crazy cycle for me. I think I should try to go to some in-person support groups. I have never done that before, but Compassionate Friends finally opened a chapter near my town, and I’ve heard wonderful things about them. It could possibly do me some good. Talking to counselors, those who have never been through what we have been through, has felt pretty much fruitless to me. They have no clue, none whatsoever, and most of them are clock watchers waiting to get their payment. That can feel so impersonal and almost detrimental.

    • I hope this will offer you a little hope for NEW joy in NEW places. Im not at all sure we ever go back to find joy in the places we used to and so I am trying hard to find some in a new place. Please allow me a few minutes to tell you all what has helped me.
      The last time I saw our son was at a dog show. He brought me a yellow rose and waved at me like he was a little kid. He was proud of me! I was proud to point back and say “that’s my oldest son!”. I will never forget that moment!
      Only 2 months later my dog was to show again and I knew in my heart I could NEVER go there again.
      With the help of my husband I did go and we won. The win was big and lovely but God’s gift to me that week end was the Judge asking to speak with me the next day.
      When our handler took Ranger to be photographed that Judge over heard her say “this family just lost a son. This win might be a moment of joy”. She requested to speak with me, Judges are not allowed this. She gently took my hands and told me how deeply sorry she was for my loss. That she to had lost a son and that very day was the anniversary of his death. With tears running down both our faces, she told how she survived and found joy in NEW places. This lovely women shared her heart with a total stranger. A sobbing mother at a dog show. She said “Keep coming to the dog shows! Keep booking your puppy (or anyone else’s you can use) in shows over holidays, hard times and when you miss your son the most. You will find joy in this new place. You will remember BJ’s face smiling at you and it will warm you here. Just keep coming and in time you will realize you felt joy again. Maybe only tiny bits but it will come.”
      That advice, to look for joy in NEW places, settled deep in my heart that day.
      I have seen that Judge again. I don’t know if she remembered me but I will never forget her. The peace on her face told me she spoke from a place of wisdom.
      I have kept going. I have a new puppy to show. I laughed and felt joy this week end. NEW place. NEW things.
      Yes, I sob at times that BJ cant see this new “puppykins” (as he would have called Riggs) but I have allowed joy.
      I didnt realize it had happened until some one messaged me to say “I saw a photo of your face close to Riggs and you had joy in your eyes!”
      I have read that again and again. Crying, smiling and crying again. It is proof that I will not only survive but in some places I will thrive.
      I share this story for this reason. As the Judge stepped of her allowed roll and spoke to a broken heart to give me hope I pray this gives you hope for moments of joy in NEW places!
      May God bless all your broken hearts and may you allow those little moments to come and grow until your loved ones see a spark of joy.

      • My 22 year old son hanged himself 6 weeks ago. I thought I was strong but this intolerable grief is crippling me and squeezing the life out of me. I don’t want to live this life no more. I have a 15 year old daughter but my suffering is so great right now all I can think about is doing the same thing as he did. I don’t know what will happen to me I can’t cope with this helplessness.

      • Oh Charlie! I’m am so deeply sorry for your pain. Please choose life! If you can’t do that for yourself today please do that for the baby you have with you. My son died 19 months ago at the age of 28. I have realized that we make the choice to survive one moment at a time. Please Charlie, talk to us all here. We will help you, listen to you, hold you up before heaven.

      • It will be one year ago on October 23rd that my son died of an accidental overdose at the age of 19. I look back over the year, and I honestly have no idea how I am here. The pain was pure agony 24/7, and I can easily put myself back there at any point in the day. What I will say is that there is nothing that will make my life whole again. But I have chosen to allow myself to live in the moment. Meaning, I can experience joy in the moment, pain in the moment, anguish in the moment, peace in the moment. I have no expectations for more, but that is enough and more than I could have hoped for. My 17 year old daughter left for college in August, and I didn’t think I could bear the emptiness. I have chosen to do something to help other young people and their families through our foundation and it gives me something to get up and dressed for each and every day. I reached out to this group in the early weeks as well (which is very out of character for me), and knowing that others made it through gave me strength. I wish you nothing but peace.

      • Charlie, I know exactly how you feel. My son died at the age of 30 of an overdose. For the first year, I didn’t want to live. From the time I woke up in the morning until I went to bed at night, I thought of my Matthew – my heart physically hurt. He was my only child, so when I lost him, I felt as though I lost everything. Think about the pain that your daughter would experience if she lost you too. I promise you that things do get better with time. It has been a year and a half since Matt died, and it took me at least a year to be enjoy living again. Please hold on even though each day is a struggle. We are here when you need someone to talk to. Even though we have never met each other, we have a special bond!

  91. Charlie, Everyone here understands the anguish you are feeling. Survival right now really is moment by moment. Breath, talk (or write), walk, cry, sleep, but hold on. This is a painful roller coaster ride. You will feel all sorts of feelings, or be numb, or any and all at once. We all have different stories about how our child died, but we all understand what you are going through. I am so sorry for you and for your son. There really aren’t any words to describe the loss.

  92. Charlie, as I read your words I feel my heart physically hurting and my stomach clenching, just like it did after I lost my 22 yr old daughter 4 years ago. The pain is real and unbearable….. but hang on. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time. You are not alone and you are stronger than you know. What helped me through my daughter’s death was knowing that she was at peace and in a blissful place……. not suffering or hurting any longer.

    • I had a difficult day yesterday the grief when it comes in waves almost takes me with it. My beautiful boy is in my thoughts every waking moment of every day. I am just trying to think about today and no further because when I think about the future I start to panic. I can’t do a lifetime without him it’s too painful to think about. No one in my family or friends list know how I feel about my son, he was mine all mine and only he and I have that bond. I am torn between him and my daughter, I want to be with them both but right now am ripped in the middle and stuck here on this side desolate and alone in my grief. I don’t know how much of this torture I can bare. Surely god only gives us what we can bare??? He’s given me too much to carry on my shoulders. It hurts so bad. Thankyou for talking to me I am so sorry for everyone else’s losses. It helps knowing I’m talking to people who have the same struggles and burdens. I wish god could take our pain away.

      • Charlie, I posted something for you below. Yes, that is ALL you can do right now: take it one day at a time. We are all with you! Although I don’t know you, your pain breaks my heart, too! We all hurt with you!

  93. Oh, Charlie, my heart is breaking after reading your post, too!! Bless you sooo much!! Charlie, I know how much this burns like hell and eats out our soul and how these days the grave seems like it would feel better. But, as a parent who has been through this, I promise you that you will at least find the sting will lessen and you will find some purpose through the life of your daughter! She will need you so much. We parents all felt the same thing after our children passed, dead and lifeless inside, and we never will fully get over it. A feeling within me even wanted to push away my then-baby because I didn’t want to love anyone like that again but I did! I was so raw inside like you.

    Your days will become more manageable! This is the hardest time of all right now! Your daughter really needs you and is suffering, watching you hurt and losing her brother, too. I know that there are still many days I feel like I can’t go on, but you will. Because of my other daughter, I want you to know that you can and will make it!

    No, I don’t believe that God never gives us more than we can handle…as I once wrote mentioned before…”IF ‘He’ is the one giving it!” I don’t know “who” is giving us this anyway! It hurts beyond what we could ever imagine! I actually went into seizures from the pain after my daughter died. We are broken, but be easy on yourself and please know that what you are feeling is normal! If a little nap will take the pain away for the moment, do that. I slept as much as I could to take the pain away. Be easy on yourself. But try to talk to your daughter just a little if you can. You will find this new deeper growing love in her and that love can and will help you get stronger eventually as time goes by. She can become your rock and your reason for going on!

    I am so sorry about the loss of your precious son!

  94. I just lost my daughter in August the day after my 50th birthday. I have no desire to go forward. I must because I now must raise my granddaughter. I feel as if I am on autopilot. I love my granddaughter but I miss my daughter so much. Some people have good words but for many, that’s all they are. No one except those who have walked this road can feel my pain. I just want the world to stop so I can get off.

    • Thankyou everyone for being a support to me. It helps and is comforting to read that I am not alone in my grief. Although I wish that none of us ever had to feel such hurt. ❤️

    • Tony I am so sorry for your loss also, my grief started on the 26th August the day I was due to fly out on holiday , infact my daughter and I were at the airport ( my husband and son staying home working) that’s when I got the phone call that my son had hanged himself. My world ended that day. I’m existing not living and I don’t really care wether I live or die right now. Every day is harder than ever and feels like the worst day of my life and that it couldn’t get any worse but then a new day comes and it’s worse than the last. Everything feels helpless and there is no hope just loss and finality. Let’s stick together and share our mourning and our grief. I have nothing else left to try. ❤️

      • Charlie,

        I too am sorry for your loss. I feel as you do, but the rational part of me says leaving others behind with further grief only adds more pain to them. Both of the parents of my granddaughter were lost on August 19th of this year. I had my granddaughter with me, so We now have to raise her so she can know her parents. She is now my purpose for waking everyday. It is a struggle everyday, but I have no choice but to go forward and honor her memory. There is no right or wrong with this, but we must. I have started to talk to someone, my advice is PLEASE do the same. There are no magic words, just someone who is rational right now that you can share with. By all means, lets stay in touch. Where are you from? Tell me about your son if you can.


  95. Dearest Charlie,
    My heart breaks for you. My son, Michael, also hung himself. I will never forget that moment I found him. That was two years ago. I understand your pain and struggle. My biggest question is always “why?” You and your daughter are suffering. The angst you feel right now, will ease. Try to find things that help you celebrate his life. I know it was not long enough, but he brought special joy and pride to you, remember those things. Suicide can be very alluring, don’t leave your daughter asking “why?” She needs you and needs to know that she is important to you too. You both may be feeling like you could or should have done something. You must know, this was in no way your fault, do not go there. Charlie, you are not alone, and you will make it through this terrible time. I am sorry for the loss of your son and your family will remain in my thoughts for many days.

  96. I dont know what to say except my 9yr old just passed in august and I am feeling every single emotion on this page, plus some I cant describe. I have 5 other children but feel like I have no right being a called or considered a mother. My heart cries for you all. I dont know if I can survive another moment of this tragic movie playing in my head repeatedly. It’s literally torture and I need it to stop. im afraid to sleep because of the pain when i wake up and im sure you all know the rest. My dilemma is the impact my suicide would have on my living children as well as the impact its having on them now, watching me die slowly and miserably. would suicide be selfish or a relief for them. im so sorry, they deserved a better mother. thank you for letting me share

    • Eve, you are a grieving mother, not a bad mother. We can help you. I understand the pain on waking; will write to that soon. Read the other blogs and especially the comments. We understand you here.

    • Dear Eve, I sadly know your pain all too well. The night we came home from the hospital (1 1/2 years ao), I asked my husband if he, our remaining 15 yr old son and I should stay in the car and close the garage door. He said that although he wanted too, it wouldn’t be fair to our son, who still has a life to live. I just couldn’t deal with anything. I felt as if my skin had been stripped off and every nerve in my body was exposed and feeling the worst pain- but nothing compaired to the accident replaying in my mind over and over again. Last April, I wrote a note to my son, surrounded myself with pictures of my beautiful 17 yr old daughter, and then took a handful of sleeping pills. My heart began to race. I didn’t feel the peace I was looking for. I got scared and told my son to call an ambulence. He sat with me in the ambulence as they rushed me to the hospital. He was crying and holding on to me. This is exactly what happened with his sister. I was too hysterical to sit in the back of the ambulence with her, so my son stayed back there holding her hand. He kept trying to reassure me that she would be ok…. But this time, he couldn’t reassure me. He cried all the way to the hospital. They pumped my stomach and I obviously made it through. I then spent the next month in the psych ward. It actually was a relief to be surrounded by other depressed people and caring nurses and doctors. I had been isolated for so long. It was good to talk to people who understood my pain. I had therepy sessions everyday with groups and individual doctors. They put me on anti-depressents and after month, I was released. I still take my meds and meet with my therapist 1 or 2x’s a week. i will never be the same- and I don’t want to be. But I hate seeing what I pain I brought upon my son. So even though I walk around everyday with the unbearable pain of the loss of my daughter, I swore I would never take my own life. That doesn’t mean I still don’t want to some days. In fact, I pray to God to take me in some natural way. Curiously, I’ve been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer in my leg. I smiled when the doctor told me. I am going through radiation now and surgery soon. But, I’ve thrown my hands up and and put it into Gods hands. If I live, I get to be with my son, if I die, I get to be with my daughter. I win either way. So, Eve, check yourself in to a hospital if necessary, because you will feel worse if you knew what additional pain your death would cause your children. Keep writing to us here. It helps to share with others who sadly, understand.

  97. Eve, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel since we all have regrets and “what if’s”. It will be a year since my son died November 2 and I don’t have a day without grief and wondering why it happened and if there had been something I could have done or did I do something to deserve this terrible pain? I really hate that we have to go through that waking pain and sleepless nights and I wish I could help you, but all of us on this site know we can vent here and say anything that we can’t say to other people and that is a comfort. Try to hang in there and love those other children with all your heart. I wish I had another child, but I know that would never replace the loss. They need you now more than ever. We are crying with you.

    • Dear Haney I am thinking of you today I think of you often . I have already passed this first sad milestone until that time I could look back and thing Peter was doing that or this last year when its past it seems to be a greater finality, I am so sorry for your pain for the pain of all of us. Here I am sitting here its nearly two in the morning dreading going to bed dreading waking up. the waking pain the greatest of them all . I cry with you I cry with all of us.

      • Thanks for thinking of me today. It really means a lot. Yes, I too am thinking about last years milestones and regret that there were not more happy times…I guess there is never enough. Hugs to you and thanks for being there.

  98. Thank you all. Sorry to hear that with all youve been through you now to battle cancer Elizabeth. I too pray for god to have mercy and take me. Yesterday my ex husband said something so horrible I almost gave up. We had a horrible marriage, bitter divorce but he has been my rock through the loss of our child. He said I probably dont care that shes dead. I know he’s grieving too but this is the third time he’s been so callous and cruel. I believe some part of him blames me as well. He has said things that make me feel he’s trying to push me off the ledge knowing how fragile I am. I’m always lost. Everywhere i go I cry for no reason and I am just broken. I dont know how much more i can take but before I go I will leave my information and my baby girls info so someone can tell my family how conflicted I was and pain and love I had for everyone. Im going to try and make through another night and I hope we all do. My heart and tears go out to you all. thank you again…… eve

    • Hi Eve, I have said it before and I will say it now to you, I believe that none of us know the full story of our existence on this earth, but I have had so many unexplained experiences that I can only attribute to my deceased son Harris’s ability to still connect with those of us who love him, that I truly believe that there is more to this life and death thing than any of us know. While I long for the day when I can be with Harris in a more tangible way, I will not do anything to hasten my death because I am afraid it will mess up my opportunity to be with him in the beyond. Instead, I have committed my life to helping others who have mental health and substance abuse issues. It won’t bring Harris back, but it keeps me sane (well I do my best) for my daughter, husband, dogs and those who love me and love Harris. I pray that you realize that there is still a plan for you here. Forgive yourself that you are in pain and aren’t always able to be there for others, do the best you can, no one can ask for more from you. Be good to yourself. You did not make this happen, but there are many who love you and whose life would be irreparably changed without you. Harris died on October 23, 2013 at the age of 19. My heart breaks again everyday, and there is a hole that will never ever be filled, but everyday I make an effort to honor Harris in some small way. xoxo

  99. Eve, step back. When we are suicidal, we might think that after we die, people will understand our pain, etc., but they do not. In fact, they believe we did not care enough. You can’t send this message in this way because those you are trying to reach (your ex?) will think instead, “see? she was crazy”. You aren’t crazy. You are in pain; perhaps he can no longer be your rock because he has his own pain to process. This is how he is human, too. You can do this with our help, day by day. You know your truth, that you loved your daughter and did not wish her dead. Hold it to you; it is too precious to defend with words. Defend it with your willingness to honor her as you go forward. We are here with you. Let us hold your hand during these hardest times. We care.

  100. Eve your pain is so new be gentle on yourself you are fragile.Your husband probably doesn’t know how to deal with it too he is cruel to you because you are there.
    I have just been horrible on the phone to my ex husband and I don’t wish him ill but my grief and anger overwhelms me and yet he grieves for his son too .
    Please hang in their for your children how would they go on without you they are little they need you.

  101. I found this site while searching for anyone else out there who might come close to understanding what this continuous nightmare is like. My beautiful, sweet daughter Hannah died just over four weeks ago, on October 6th, in a horrific car accident. She was 19. She just graduated from high school. She was an amazing artist. She loved me and her two older sisters. She died with her boyfriend Charles. I feel like I’m going crazy. How much pain can my mind and body bear before it just stops working? I can’t believe that my heart continues to beat. After reading your stories, I know that I am not alone. I also see that although I search for a reprieve from this pain, it sounds as if that will never come. How do I face a lifetime of this unbearable pain? How will I ever find a purpose to my days?

    • Nancy, you will find a reprieve for the pain. This agony is unimaginable, then it is excruciating, then it is crippling, and then it is severe, and then it is throbbing, and then, eventually, it becomes bearable and one day you will feel the cloud lift and you will live again, guilt free for living again, and able to carry you child with you, emotionally, into the future. It WILL become bearable. You life will never be the same “after” but you will find your way to the life your daughter would want for you again. I am happy now, most days, though I always carry the sorrow of the empty place setting with me. I always miss Daniel. But we find our way, and we can help you through the unimagined horror of this situation and point toward a light for you as well as Hannah. I’m so, so sorry for your loss and my heart truly breaks for you. Stay with us and we’ll help you stand when you need it. Here is a hug for you and a shoulder. Jody

    • Nancy, my heart breaks for you. How terrible it is for you to lose Hannah!

      I agree with Jody. The pain is, and will seem to be unbearable for some time. The best you can do is to make it through each day now, one day at a time.

      Hannah was to be your legacy. Instead, you, like those of us on this site, find ourselves being the legacy for the child we lost. They will always live on in our hearts.

      When Kollin died (At the age of 13), I also wanted to die. The thought of living on in pain was worse than the thought of dying. However, I, like you, have other kids and family who are also going through pain. I could not allow myself to add to their suffering.

      Please hang in there, one day at a time. We are here for you. I am so sorry to say, but you are not alone in your grief.

      Hugs to you all!

    • Nancy,
      First let me say how deeply sorry I am for the pain you are in and the way your heart is broken. It is clear that Hannah was deeply loved.
      I lost my son 20 months ago and I found this site like you did. Searching in the night for anyone that would tell me how to survive the seemingly unsurvivable. I posted one heart rattling plead for help. Just like I see here for you, so many people answered that they would help me. Stand with me. Hold me up. Pray for me. It didn’t make sense that strangers typing to me could do that but I believed them and they have done just what they promised. They have encouraged. Helped me get to the graveside again. Helped me know what would be right to place on a marker for my son. BJ was a graphic artist and author and so I wanted it to be perfectly him 🙂 They helped me to stand at another son’s wedding because they promised to pray and remember us that day. They told me the truth and told me their pain. They helped me feel something other than agony. Trust these parents, guided by Jody’s example. They will help you. We swing through emotions. One post helping and the next needing help but you are safe here.
      Nancy, be gentle on yourself and your broken heart. This is so new and your mind, heart and body are not able to handle anything more right now than the little things. Brushing your teeth should be the accomplishment of the day! Physically you have no ability to make the choices that you are talking about. Time and God will help with those. Your job is to love your family. Rest when you are able. Eat something. Take a walk with a dog, even if you have to borrow one. Get dressed when you can and then crawl back into bed if you need to with your nice clothes on!
      Right now Nancy, just grieve. Only you know what that looks like for you and what ever that is it is right! Grieve deeply but grieve well. Be kind when you can to those around you. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Hang on to the mother in you that Hannah loved. You are no longer the same but you can choose to do this with grace and gentleness. Im not saying don’t scream and loose it. You will need to do that also. Im just saying each moment of this journey is a choice. We no longer have the luxury of just letting life float around us. We must choose the small things well and then the others will come.
      Lastly, hang on to the truth that God supplies the capacity to endure if we allow Him to. There is no capacity to endure right now. Breathing is all your required to do today. As the days and months move on God will gift your heart with a greater capacity to endure the pain you feel now. You heart will gain space to hold this pain. It will not longer strangle you from the inside. It will find enough room to fit so that you can live with the anticipation of joy again.
      When I wake at night, which still happens many times a night for me, I will whisper your name to Heaven. I will ask God for rest for you.
      I hope to talk again.

  102. Jody, Richard and Julie- thank you so much for responding. I asked my husband to read some of your wisdom as I expressed comfort in finding you. I have a large, loving support system, but no one understands.

    I didn’t mention that I do have some experience in grieving. My 19 month old nephew died when I was in college, and my first husband (Hannah’s father), died suddenly at home 12 years ago. I have been forcing myself to get out of bed every day, to find a reason to get out of the house every day, and I’ve even exercised a couple of times. I’m trying so hard to keep moving. But moving forward feels like I’m leaving Hannah behind. I can’t stand to see her shoes, her pile of name tags for her job, her jackets unmoved, unused since October 6th.

    I picked up the first piece of her art work that I had framed today. I’m so thankful to have her creations to hang around my house. I wish there were more to come. The local art studio where she took lessons offered to show some of her pieces in their upcoming show Nov 21-23. I can’t stand the thought of having her name with her birth & death years listed under her name. My precious girl went to work one day and never came home. All I got back from the accident is her mangled bracelet. The thought of ever being able to enjoy life again seems unattainable. Yet that is what I hope for my other daughters, and I feel a responsibility to fight this overwhelming depression to somehow “lead the way” out of this black hole.

    I so appreciate your words of comfort and encouragement. Every morning is excruciating, every night full of terror. I can’t talk to God-He has my baby girl and I have too many tough questions for Him. So I turn here to this unfortunate group of compassionate grieving parents. Thank you all.

    • OH Nancy! I am so deeply sorry! The courage you have expressed after such blows in life bring tears to my eyes. You are a women of great courage!
      Everything you wrote is a echo of things I have thought. It took 19 months for me to order a marker for our son. I could NOT put that birth and death date down. They were to close together. SO wrong! Even getting mail that had BJ’s name on it send me crying to the bedroom closet. I held my breath each time the mail came or the phone rang. Some one might write or say his name. A wonderful name but now I wanted it quiet as if it could only be held in my heart alone. I gatherd BJ’s art pieces from everyone who would give them up or sell them back to me. I hogged them! I stomped through a gallery one day gabbing framed pieces and sobbing. I know how he beamed at people seeing them. Enjoying them. However, on that day I had to have them ALL!
      You can be so proud of your daughter as others view her talent and see a bit of who she was, who you love. Art work are bits of this precious son that I needed to hold close. They grace each room of our home and have become a comfort. I reach out and touch as I walk by.
      I still sleep with Brandon’s baby blanket just under the edge of the bed. For 18 months it was under my pillow. Agony to see his things, touch his clothes, sort his art and computer work. To actually give his things away was a whole other level of crazy that took time to get over.
      Jody asked me to send in a memorial of Brandon. I wanted to so bad but at the same time was so horrified that if I let go of the words I might be letting go of a piece of BJ. It took weeks before I could hit the send button and tell Jody who my son was.
      What Im saying in all this is that in the journey, although unique to each of us, we all do the same things in grief. We are not normal as the rest of the world is normal but yes, you are normal!
      Dont worry about talking to God. He is big enough for what we need to ask, what we dont ask and whatever we need to say at any time. I didnt talk to God for a whole year and then only started again because I prayed for a friends little baby.
      Mostly i just screamed at God when I was in the car “This is what the plan is? This is all you’ve got?” He never left. The comfort of God having our child in His care and the anger that they are not with us are HUGE things to sort out.
      Courage Nancy! You are a women of great courage.
      Do you mind if I ask my husband and 2 sons to pray for your family?

      • Julie, your words are so comforting to me. I have read your response several times and I’m so grateful that there is understanding here. I feel myself growing more intolerant of friends who appear to me to be stabbing in the dark at some words of wisdom or insight when it is not possible for them to grasp the depth of this pain. I so appreciated a friend just today who instead of shooting from the hip, just sat in silence with my sobs on the phone. I happened to open my email today while I was with her, and she read your beautiful tribute to BJ to me. I’m sure he would be proud. My friend and I both shed tears as we felt the loss of such an amazing young man.

        I feel like I’m entering a new phase of grief which is worse than the initial shock. I’m starting to absorb the reality of this gaping hole in my life. My oldest daughter is away at grad school, and my middle daughter, although she was best friends with Hannah, is very different in personality and interests. So all of the things that I would talk about and do with Hannah…are lost. I feel like my body cannot handle this pain much longer. Everything hurts. I’m constantly tense, shaky, clumsy (even more than usual), with a constantly tight chest. I’m exhausted but hate closing my eyes at night. I still beg her every day to come home. I just want her to come home. I want to know what she’s doing with her days, and who she’s seeing. If she’s aware of what we’re going through and if it makes her sad. But there are not supposed to be any more tears in heaven. So how can she be with me and not sad that we are all so devastated?

        I think I’m going to try to attend the next meeting of The Compassionate Friends. It’s not until Dec 3rd. Until then, I appreciate any encouragement to keep me sane that anyone here might have. I don’t know what it feels like to go crazy, but this has to be pretty damn close.

    • Julie, your words are so comforting to me. I have read your response several times and I’m so grateful that there is understanding here. I feel myself growing more intolerant of friends who appear to me to be stabbing in the dark at some words of wisdom or insight when it is not possible for them to grasp the depth of this pain. I so appreciated a friend just today who instead of shooting from the hip, just sat in silence with my sobs on the phone. I happened to open my email today while I was with her, and she read your beautiful tribute to BJ to me. I’m sure he would be proud. My friend and I both shed tears as we felt the loss of such an amazing young man.

      I feel like I’m entering a new phase of grief which is worse than the initial shock. I’m starting to absorb the reality of this gaping hole in my life. My oldest daughter is away at grad school, and my middle daughter, although she was best friends with Hannah, is very different in personality and interests. So all of the things that I would talk about and do with Hannah…are lost. I feel like my body cannot handle this pain much longer. Everything hurts. I’m constantly tense, shaky, clumsy (even more than usual), with a constantly tight chest. I’m exhausted but hate closing my eyes at night. I still beg her every day to come home. I just want her to come home. I want to know what she’s doing with her days, and who she’s seeing. If she’s aware of what we’re going through and if it makes her sad. But there are not supposed to be any more tears in heaven. So how can she be with me and not sad that we are all so devastated?

      I think I’m going to try to attend the next meeting of The Compassionate Friends. It’s not until Dec 3rd. Until then, I appreciate any encouragement to keep me sane that anyone here might have. I don’t know what it feels like to go crazy, but this has to be pretty damn close.

      • Nancy, I am so very sorry for the horrific loss of your daughter Hannah. My heart is broken for you. My five year old son, Kai, died in an accidental drowning on February 16, 2013. It will be exactly 21 months on Sunday. Five months after my son died, I divorced his father, my husband, when some very hurtful things came to light and I could not stay in the marriage. Now my other son is in college near Chicago, while I live in Florida. I am alone, really alone, for the first time in my life and the pain, instead of easing, is intensifying. I thought I knew what suffering was before Kai died but I didn’t. Now I do. All that to say, please know that you are not alone and that you are among friends here who really understand and care about what you are facing. You can write anything here and no one will judge you. Everyone is so kind and just helps each other. It is wonderful because after this kind of tragedy, you really change as a person and sometimes it is very hard to relate to those who have not experienced this. It boggles my mind that it has been 21 months since I buried my beautiful little boy but yet I am still here. Jody’s wise posts and the compassion of the other commenters have made me know that I am not alone and that my thoughts are entirely normal for a parent who has buried her child. I know it feels like you are going to go crazy. What parent wouldn’t feel this way? There are no easy answers and I am still searching and learning every minute and every day how to cope with what has happened to me.

        I have the same exact thoughts all the time about Kai in heaven that you have about Hannah. I desperately want to know what he is doing. Is he being watched over by my dear grandparents? Is he smiling and laughing all the time, as he did in life? He loved people. Does he have all kinds of friend? On the sad side, does he see me crying and sometimes screaming for him? I know that there are no tears in heaven, so I think that if he does see me, he has a knowledge now that I cannot understand and he knows that my suffering is contained within a tiny slice of time in the great expanse of eternity. As a friend put it to me one time, Kai is outside of time now so there is no past or future where he is, he is in the eternal now. I choose to believe that time, as we know it, does not exist in heaven, or if it does, it is a very different time than we have in this life. I think he is not sad because he knows that in the blink of an eye I will be there with him, when it is my time, and he knows that all my tears will be gone then and remembered no more and then we will never be apart again.

        I will think of you often in these early days of your grief. Hugs.

  103. Dear Jody,
    There are no words to say to comfort your anguish and pain on this terrible tragedy of losing your precious daughter. So young. Please know that we all care on this site and we, too, are walking in the same shoes.

    You’re only 4 weeks out, be easy on yourself. This is a journey that can only be taken one moment at a time. My experience, after my son died, at age 20 from a motorcycle accident, was taking it a second at a time, and then eventually a minute, 5 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour, a day. Stay in the moment. Our minds can only accept this horrendous loss in tiny increments.

    I’m so sorry you had to join this club that no one volunteers to be in nor chooses to pay the exorbitant price; that of the death of your child. If you have “safe” caring people in your life, hold on to them. Consider going to a support group that is only for parents who have lost a child. I found my support after goggling, “loss of a child”. May God grant you the strength to eventually accept what is totally not acceptable. We never get over this…however, there is way to continue your life with your child in your heart!

    mom to Michael 1983~2004

  104. This is so impossible. I guess physically I’m feeling a teeny bit better, but I absolutely cannot stand to continue to do the normal things of life without wanting to scream every other minute “do you all realize what has happened?!!”. I had to run out of Lowe’s today before I passed out because I couldn’t stand that I was spending time picking out new electrical outlets when my baby girl was just crushed to death 5 weeks ago right up the street.

    This is insanity. To have to bear the unbearable. Now the holidays are coming up, and all I want to do is get out of town but my other girls want to be home. I’m scared to death of how this is affecting my marriage. How long will my husband put up with me not being able to function? Hannah is not his daughter, so he is not grieving like I am. I guess I’m starting to get angry that the rest of the world hasn’t stopped turning; just mine.

    Lisa and Laraine- thanks for your kind and encouraging words. I know that we all are suffering. Thanks for listening while I vent.

    • Nancy,, I just read Jody’s comment to you and I add a resounding YES to that. It is all true and all correct. Vent. We are listening, praying, thinking about you. You are as normal as you can be right now. It is so very new. Dont’ worry about the length of time right now. I have left Costco sobbing or sat with my head on the steering wheel and never got of out the car! Driving there was my big deal for the day. IT’S OK! Its just ok. Don’t worry you are doing this wrong for there is no wrong.
      My prayers will continue to be with you as Christmas approaches. As you can tell by my posting about BJ, he would have been 30 on Dec 20. Then is Christmas and one week later my birthday. I want to wipe the whole month and a half off the map but that can’t be so we work at being together. Different for sure! But together. That’s all that matters.
      I am an interior decorator. Christmas is my time of the year 🙂 Now at home it is small and quiet and subdued. All that matters is togetherness. Its not whole. One of us is forever missing but the rest cling tightly to one another. I think thats what your girls are wanting. Give them a place to cling and you hold on to them like never before. You will grow enough courage Nancy. You will!

      • Julie, I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you on this night before BJ’s birthday. I wish you could be planning his birthday party instead of wondering how you will get through another difficult day. I am in Texas for the weekend visiting my in laws. They never knew Hannah that well (she only met them a few times as we live in Maryland), and it is hard to be around people who don’t share my pain. On the plane coming here today, I read a book about a man who had no detectable pulse for 90 minutes and his account of visiting heaven and coming back. His description was so incredible that it made me feel happy for Hannah that she is experiencing such immense joy and peace! Without the dimension of time, all they know is that we will be together for eternity. Thank God for that hope. I hope you find some joy in remembering BJ tomorrow to balance your sorrow. I hope you feel the love that he had for you which did not die with him, but is carried on by everyone that he touched. Hugs to you from Texas Julie.

    • Nancy, your daughter Hannah sounds like she was the most amazing young lady! Bless you, my sweet friend! I just wanted to tell you that I am thinking of you and sending you my love. It breaks my heart a little more each time I hear of another parent like you losing a child. If I could have ended this kind of pain and suffering after the loss of my child, I would have graciously done that for you and everyone here. This certainly is the most lonely feeling in the world. Embrace your beautiful girls and your family who will be with you on Christmas. I know nothing makes up for your terrible loss, but what blessings that remain with us do help us cope. My girl has kept me going when I felt I couldn’t. I think you are on a better path than you realize right now with trying to heal. I can’t tell you how crazy I have felt through this, but I don’t have to because I know you know the pain we all have felt. May you find some peace and comfort through these difficult times! Much love to you!

  105. Nancy, what you have experienced is intolerable, as you wrote, and yet you are asked to tolerate it.Imagine this as a visual; you are not a post in the water, which must stand up to the powerful tide of these thoughts. You are a net; they can flow through you and past you. Accept your thoughts and your rage that the world goes on like normal and you are expected to do “normal” things in it. Then, when you can, go back to Lowes and do the normal thing. The tide will ebb and flow through you and away from you. This is normal.

    No one will grieve as you will. I strongly suggest putting words as best you can, to your desire not to have to try to replicate a “normal” holiday. Create a new tradition, even if it must be inside the home. Nothing will be more real to you than the empty chair; change things up if you can so that the energy is redirected to new tasks. The first holidays are by far the hardest, though others will remain challenging for many years. But you can do it.

    Continue to share; I do not try to talk you out of your feelings, but to hold your virtual hand while you are experiencing them. We accept you as you are, and you are doing important work, venting to people who understand.

  106. Nancy is my cousin and a woman of amazing strength. I would like to thank everyone for their support and words of wisdom. Thank you for walking with her down a road I wish did not exist for anyone! Prayers for all.

  107. Today is the 3 month anniversary since my daughter passed in a car accident. She is in my thoughts and heart every moment of everyday. We must wake up and face tomorrow for the people left in our life. I am now raising my granddaughter who provides me a reason to do just that. We must all find our own reason for a tomorrow. In my case, the best way I can honor my daughter is to give her daughter a great life. She is not a replacement, but in fact a gift from her so that I may go on. These weeks, days hours and minutes are not easy, but I know that one day when I see her again, she will l did the best I can until they can meet again.

    Prayers and peace to all

  108. I think of all of you so much and reread your messages frequently. It does help to know that I am not alone. As Thursday approaches, I find that I am moving backwards in my grief. Back to not being able to eat, shaking, crying constantly. I just don’t want the holidays to come without Hannah here!

    This past weekend Hannah’s memory was honored in a huge beautiful art exhibit where she took lessons. I hope she got to see her sketches hanging among so many beautiful pieces of artwork. I could just imagine her giggling with disbelief that her drawings were good enough for that. If it’s true that the depth of your grief is equal to the depth of your love, I really am amazed that my heart still beats. I love that beautiful girl beyond words. This past Saturday was also the 12 year date of my first husband’s sudden death. To see my other 2 girls suffering through losing their dad and sister is unbearable. They deserve to have a carefree happy life with their whole family. The silence of Hannah’s absence is deafening. I can’t wait to hear her voice again.

    I wish comfort and peace to all of you this week. I am thankful for you all.

    • Dear Nancy, I live in Canada and we have our thanksgiving in Oct. It wasnt easier this year than last. But it didn’t make me crawl in the bottom of the closet either. Christmas is coming, BJ’s birthday at the same time. I try to stay braced, in a way, to hold off the waves of pain. Im sorry to say it doesn’t work. The pain does come in waves. Hold tight to those around you. Emotionally and yes, physically. We will pray you through thursday and the month ahead.
      I smiled when I read about Hannah’s art show. What a talent. Please post photos of her work for us to see. I stood at one just like it for my son and I felt such pride! I felt his soft smile. I felt great pain that I thought I could never with stand. Yet, here I am one year later wondering how I got here. It is a wonderful blessing that we cant see to far ahead.
      My God bless you and keep you this thanksgiving. May your heart be filled with thoughts of the joy Hannah brought to you as a mom.

      • Julie, you seem to be a woman of great faith. I usually am as well, but need to get beyond this huge cloud of confusion and anger. I came across this reading that I feel might be written to me and I thought it might help others here as well.

        “To protect your thankfulness, you must remember that you reside in a fallen world, where blessings and sorrows intermingle freely. A constant focus on adversity defeats many Christians. They walk through a day that is brimming with beauty and brightness, seeing only the grayness of their thoughts. Neglecting the practice of giving thanks has darkened their minds. How precious are my children who remember to thank Me at all times. They can walk through the darkest days with Joy in their hearts because they know that the light of my presence is still shining on them. Rejoice in this day that I have made, for I am your steadfast companion.”
        (From Jesus Calling)

        I’m going to make some effort to be thankful today, even with the gaping void around our table. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

      • Nancy, WOW! Thank for that reading today. THANK YOU. I love “Jesus Calling” My sister sends the devotionals because I still cant open the book.
        At the very right moment I opened my email and read what I needed to be reminded of. I am thankful for you and your willingness to write to me! Today was a day of horrible sorrow. Didn’t see it coming but it hit hard.

        I would say that my faith can best be described as this “Lord I believe! But help my unbelief” I believe with all I am that God did not change in the moment BJ walked into Heaven and we were without him. He is ALL He says He is and my faith didn’t change. HOWEVER, and that’s such a large word for me, I didn’t utter a single word to the Lord for almost a year. I only cried “help me”. The promise that those cries are carried to the throne of God for me held me together when I wasn’t even able to gather words. Most of the time I didn’t have anything I wanted to say either! I only wanted to scream “give me back my baby!” Odd how we know the truth is that we would not choose to remove our babies from heaven but we would give our hearts to have them with us. Such a hard place to walk.

        It seems that each of us has something other than the loss of our child that mixes our grief into a HUGE storm. It must be impossible for you to separate the grief of loosing you first husband from the grief of loosing Hannah. That is so deep and requires someone dang qualified to sort out!

        Only months after our oldest son died our second son was badly injured in the line of duty (Police officer). I shifted gears to cope with “what’s next”. 6 months later my husband stopped breathing. Seriously who can make this crap up! Did God not see me drowning? and I screamed out loud “HELP ME!”. 9 months held all that pain and loss and I knew that with out Jesus i would not survive one more second. Not a single breath. Not a moment. So faith………it is survival for me.

        I just realized that I have told you, a stranger, more than anyone else in my world for 21 months. Not only could I tell you but I am safe in doing so. For that I am thankful. Thank you Nancy for just listening. Thank you for understanding and I want you to know that I hear your hearts cry. One that I will speak to Jesus daily for you.


  109. My son died at 25 months old 7 years ago. Not only have I alienated my family but I have no self worth. I struggle very bad day to day. I feel that if I take my own life, which I have tried I may not see him. After he passed away my mother did on my 25th birthday. I believe I will be forgiving by god. I literally have physical pain and feel much slower then the once sharp, funny, nice, personable, popular person I once was. I have 2 living children and believe with how hurt I am it may be better for them to not be exposed to my emotions and hurt. His mother does much better then me but I know he’s her guarding angel. I would think my mother would be mine but I don’t feel her. I think one day I will give up and test the final boundary. If I go to hell it’s probably better then the life I have know. It ruined my life!!!! And it’s been 7 years and all I think of is pulling his life support out. My family seriously does not care. I only have my kids who are 6 and 2.5 and my brother. My brother is married and had his own life now. Life for me ended when I could not help my baby. I just want to die!!!

    • Sean, do you remember the song, “Jesus take the wheel”? I’ve sang that song a few times when I felt life was too difficult. Sometimes, things are just too hard to handle by yourself – sometimes, you need help! When I feel depressed, I pray and ask God to help me and give me peace. When my son died, I felt as you do now. It has been a little less than two years for me. My son was my whole world and my only child. I have some bad days, but I also have some good days. I’m concerned for you because you have been depressed for seven years – that’s a very long time. Maybe you should consider a local support group. Usually, I can say something to help others get through the grieving process, but you have been grieving for so many years. When you are feeling down, remember your other kids desperately need you too. Their lives are just as important as the child you lost. Ask yourself, what would my deceased child say about my not being there emotionally for his two siblings? I will say a prayer for you tonight that God will wrap his loving arms around you and give you comfort and most of all PEACE!

    • Sean, please tell me you are still here! Unfortunately, I understand what you (We) are going through. My wife died at 26 leaving me with a 3yr old son. I remarried and my 13yr old son died 5 years ago.
      As a dad, I feel that I have failed them both! I was supposed to protect them!!! Instead, I live on. I am no longer afraid of death. I am more afraid of living in pain. However, just as you, I have other kids. They need us. Let’s not fail them! I will never forgive myself for failing to save my wife and son. But, if I would take my life, I would never forgive myself for leaving them. We are only human. We can only do so much. Please try to be there for the kids you have left. So many others here would love to be in our position (Having the blessing of other kids). My daughter just turned 17. As much as I feel as a total failure, she looks up to me! I am still here and she, for what ever reason, seems to look to me. I can see that she will not settle for less in her life. I make a difference and I am sure you do as well! Please keep trying. That is the best we can do!

      • Thank you for your words – they give me hope that I can indeed step back from ‘the edge’ – I lost Dad to cancer, then my husband to suicide and two months ago my beautiful little girl to cancer. I don’t know anymore what my life is for – I want to be with them and find it harder and harder to step back from that edge – but I find comfort in reading your posts and thank you – I will for tonight step back. Love to all our babies

      • Well for me missing Matt, it’s been 9 years now. The proper thing to do according to social norms is to be all better by now. I feel I am a failure at this. It really isn’t depression or a mental illness that can be cured with a pill or therapy. I know because I’ve tried them. I’ve realized it’s just sadness, the sad state of life. Why do we die? I understand that flowers die and even stars eventually die. Everything does. Is God telling me that there is no forever? Is nature the teacher and we, with minds, the students? Is all this really just a prerequisite for invisible life of the soul that does go on? I’ve spent these 9 years searching for the answers and one thing I have learned is that no one and I mean no one, not a preacher or mystic or intellectual giant, knows why we die. Faith is a pretty cool thing. Maybe that’s what it’s all about. Learning faith. But I had faith that my son would always be here, faith that there was always a new day and hope. All of that was smashed like a mosquito, in a nanosecond, gone. I still can’t forgive my used-to-be best friend for coming over and washing my son’s cloths and emptying his trash can. Why, I don’t know, but I don’t like her anymore because I never realized how literally stupid and insensitive she is till that day. Trying to help by cleaning up his life.
        I will say something positive and that is that my other son is now almost 17 and I have been a good mom to him. I am so grateful to have him and love him so much. He doesn’t know this but he is the total reason I am still here. I would never leave him and even now worry that something might happen to me and he will be alone. His dad died 3 yrs ago and my family sucks. So I have to be careful to try to stay here as long as possible and try to prepare the future for him. I often wonder if he senses my lack of hope. I try to hide it and mostly smile and act cheerful. I have happy times too. Lots of them. We have so many happy memories together. But lurking in the background is always this darkness. I miss Matt so much and the taking of his life away before he even had time to live was really wrong. Maybe there was a reason. He had been to war in Iraq. He had nightmares every night. Maybe God thought he’d had enough, done his time, and wanted to enclose him in his loving arms. I hope so. I have to see him again. I don’t understand why God can’t let us just have one (1) true and real proof that we will be together again. Just ONE. Just once if I had that, I could go on happy and carefree. I have to remind myself now that I’ve had a couple of very amazing dreams. At the 2 or 3 year mark, I was dying. I didn’t eat and smoked a lot. Lost weight and was only 100 lbs. I wanted to be here for my other son but at the same time, I didn’t take care of myself back then. I remember lying in bed a lot. Crying constantly. Inconsolable. Matt came to me one night in a dream. We were walking on a cloud street and he had his arm around me. It was beautiful there and so good to have him touching me again. But I was very sad. He was so worried about me and told me, “Mom, you have to try.” The next thing I knew I was screaming and yelling and crying and told him “NO”.
        Then I woke up. At the time and still now, I believe it was really him and after that, I started eating again and trying. I had other dreams, just a couple, that were similar with Matt guiding me. The reason I felt they were really him was because they were pertinent, not memories or meaningless things. They were vivid and important.
        I realize most people aren’t like me and don’t wish to be a downer. It’s not the norm for someone to be like me. I was a member of a site where we were expected to help the new parents. It was fine but really, sometimes I just have to be myself. And the truth is I am still searching and guess I always will. Searching for Matt. I think the majority get better and find joy in life again. And I have found joy. At times.

      • Wow Holly! Your comments really strike home. I too wonder about the meaning of life. Everyone and everything dies.
        I am not a religious person. It really hurts me when people say to me that it’s God’s will that my son died. I can’t believe that.
        I do wonder whether we were put here to learn something. Perhaps we have to repeat life until we learn enough. Who knows? I guess I have not learned enough yet.
        What I do know is, compared to the cosmos, our life is so very short. Perhaps there is something beyond our life as we know it. To a new life, the only world they know is the womb. They lived there all their life.Being born would be scary. Passing beyond their world into the light never to return.
        We who have been born don’t spend much time letting those awaiting birth know what lies beyond. Afterall, they will be with us soon. A lifetime for them is a short time for us.
        Maybe our children know we will be with them soon (In a cosmic flash). I don’t know, but I can only hope so. I can’t help but feel that life must have some purpose.

      • Hi Richard
        I’m not a religious person either but I also don’t believe we came from primordial soup, but that’s a whole discussion in itself. I absolutely understand your getting upset when people say this is God’s will. What a patronizing thing to say – and more than likely, from someone who hasn’t lost their child. And how odd to presume to know what God’s will is anyway. I often think like you do, that we were put here to learn lessons and to become better people. My only caveat with that is wondering what lessons an abused baby could possibly learn. But somehow I do feel that this is a soul-teaching life. I have completely changed since losing Matt and am much more caring and much less materialistic and so many other things. I’m glad for all the deep changes and hold my grief as something truly sacred.

        Your analogy about the baby in the wound hit home with me. It really gives me a lot to think about. And I’ve always ‘felt’ that Matt knows now that we will be together soon. I’ve learned to trust my feelings and intuition about all this because I believe that our inner knowledge is just as real as the external world. Thanks so much for that analogy. It makes me feel better and makes sense.

        I wish you peace and sending hugs your way. Holly

      • Jodi,

        I lost my daughter August 19, 2014 in a horrible car accident the day afree my 50th birthday. My granddaughter lost both parents that day at the age of 1 1/2 years old. I am now in the adoption process. My daughter had a younger brother who has mild autism. He I think feels guilty because they were mad at each other when it happened. Normal sibling stuff. As bad as I have it, my granddaughter lost both parents. I hurt, but the greatest gift I can give her is to make sure her daughter has a great life and to make sure her brother understands that she did love him. My son was accepted to a major universities music program (Her favorite university). We find happiness reveling in his successes and raising my granddaughter who is identical to her mother at the same age. Believe me, I hurt everyday, but I wrap myself in their happiness. It’s not a perfect solution, but it helps. We still have work to do. So do you. Wrap yourself in your 17 year Olds successes. There is no time frame for healing. You are not doing anything wrong. This will be a lifetime of missing our kids. I do not expect to wake in the future and think I can move forward. I’ve accepted that. I do however know that my granddaughter will grow up knowing her parents. I have pictures items etc. I will try to do the things for my granddaughter that I knew she wanted to do with her and let her know that I’m doing this with her for her mom. Please lift your chin. I know it’s hard. Continue to breathe in and out and find that Crack in the misery to some happiness. Even if it is momentary. I wish I was more eliquent in my thoughts, but I’m healing too and it comes out as it crosses my brain. Stay strong, even when you don’t think you can.

      • Tony, what beautiful words. Don’t know if they were meant for me but still they mean a lot. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your daughter. Your grandchild is truly blessed to have you and it really touched me when you wrote that you do things with her that you know your daughter wanted to do with her. Now that is love and more love. That is everything. That is true love. Thanks for sharing because it means so much to me to know there are people like you. Also thanks for the encouragement, so very kind. I just looked at the word ‘encouragement’ and it is en – to cause – courage. We all need that. Your words give us that. Thank you!

      • They were meant for you and anyone else like us who can use them. Keep your faith and know we were left behind for a purpose.


      • Thank you Tony! You are awesome. Left behind for a purpose – now that gives me something to really think about and hold on to.
        And also, I just want to say, when you go through the moments, hours, or days where the pain slams you down, grab hold of the counsel you’ve given here because it makes a whole lot of sense and know that you’ve helped someone here. I’m going to print out your words. Thank you again. Holly

      • I am more than happy to help. We are all here for each other.


  110. Tomorrow is 10 weeks since I lost my baby boy. He was born at 11:19pm on Nov 13th, 1993 and went into cardiac arrest at exactly 11:19pm on Nov 13th, 2014, his 21st birthday! I have no other children and nothing to live for!! I know it’s not my time, but my baby WAS my future, my everything and I have nothing to live for anymore. I fight the urge every single minute of every single day, to “check out” and join my sweet baby. I try to be strong for him, knowing he’s watching over me and I want him to be proud of me, but there are times when even that isn’t enough. I know he’s in a beautiful place and at peace and I just want to be with him, where I belong!!! One day I may decide its time to go… I just hope that “right” day comes sooner than later!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • jankowskidawn, please hang in there. I have been there myself and know exactly how you feel. The pain is overwhelming! I became more afraid of living with the pain then I was of death!!!
      I know that our children were meant to be our legacy. However, we would be doing them an injustice if we ended our life as well (As much as we may want it). Though they were to be our legacy, we are theirs instead. They still live on within us. The only reason we feel such pain is we had such joy. We can still share what they meant to us as long as we live to tell it. I know it is hard to try to live for yourself. Therefore, try to live on for him in his honor. I truly believe he would want that.
      Pain like this will never go completely away, but it will get better with time. I can now look back upon my son’s life and smile from time to time (He died just after his 13th birthday. Fell in the bathroom, hit his head on the sink, and died before we noticed). Not a day goes by without missing him, but as far as I am concerned, I am still his dad and strive to make him proud.
      We in this group, unfortunately, know how you feel. We are here for you.

    • Jan, the second year anniversary of my son’s death is approaching (Feb 7) and I’m dreading it. I felt the same way you do when he passed. He also was my only child. But, things do get better with time. I would like to be with my son too, but God isn’t done with me yet, so I’ll hang around . I know that I will see him again, but at God’s choosing – not mine. Try and stay strong Jan. You son would want you to continue on and love yourself. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone!

  111. I cannot even comprehend anyone counting the grieving time in months. At 3 years I was the same as the very first day. Now at 8 years, it’s better, but not really. I still can’t touch my son.

    • I agree. It was two years for me on February 16th and tomorrow would be my son’s 8th birthday. I don’t feel like my grief has gotten any better. In many ways, I am worse because it has been two years of suffering and I’m so tired and I feel like I am just deteriorating. I wake up every day to the nightmare that is my life … from here on out… without my son in it ever again.

      • I’m so sorry, Lisa. Happy Birthday, bright and precious little one. It really is still fresh for you and I know that people around you don’t even begin to comprehend the magnitude of devastation you feel. Your sweet boy is just beautiful; what a precious, angel face and smile. Oh I know you miss him so much.

        It hurts. It makes it harder still when others judge us or try to cheer us up because it invalidates our feelings and makes them seem worthless. When we know they are sacred and we know it is just the great depth of our love that causes the abyss of our hurt. I used to tell people, “I didn’t lose my wallet.” They just can’t go where we are. They cannot.

        One day you will wake up and feel just a slight shift in your emotions because it’s a gradual learning to cope. And it’s the everyday learning to cope all over again and the sudden realization that you are doing more, even smiling sometimes, in spite of tears each day. The sun will never shine as bright as it once did. Hope seems like a delusion or a lie. But I believe you will understand one day and with time that he is waiting for you and he hangs out with you all day long, not hurting or sad, just loving you, hanging out and waiting. You are still his mom. It doesn’t stop the longing, but it eases the incredible, dark pain to come to this place of hope. I do know one thing with absolute certainty: He would definately want you to have hope of seeing him again.

        Sending big hugs on your sweet son’s 8th birthday. Holly

  112. Thank you so much for this kind and hopeful message, Holly. I really need it today. I feel totally lost and bereft. Thank you and blessings on you and Jody and all the other parents who post here.

    • You too, Lisa

  113. It was two years since my son died on the 21st April 2013
    I went to his grave with my other son it was covered in flowers and messages from his friends .How can two years have passed for me it is as yesterday.
    The sun shines and he is no longer in this world .

    • Kathy,
      Feb 18 was 2 years since my son died. I am working on the same time line as you and I am so deeply sorry for the hurt your heart feels. Please accept my sorrow for you.
      2 years is nothing. Nothing.
      You carried him for 9 months and took countless hours to give bring him into the world. Wrapped your arms around him for many more years and will hold him in your heart from moment one until eternity.
      2 years is nothing. A blip in time. And yet we feel like it should have eased something in our hearts. I pray that the passing of more time will do that for us all.
      One thing I read in your message that actually made me smile was that your son’s friends left flowers and messages. It says he was greatly loved! It says a great deal about what type of friend he was. Nice!! I can’t imagine the loss we would feel if no one but us ever went to sit at those stones. When I go and there are flowers there it makes me cry harder but it comforts at the same time that someone else misses our boy and goes to remember him.
      I just wanted you to know that I saw your message and I am thinking of and praying for you.

  114. Julie I have just seen your lovely message .
    Thank you for your kind words they mean a lot to me .
    I wish we were both not walking this path I wish our boys were with us .
    I wish the pain would go away for all of us .

    • Me too Kathy – the pain will never leave us but we can choose to live even we don’t want to go on anymore – I lost my only child, my Dad and my husband within months – that edge still looks tempting and I struggle as we all do – I wish you and everyone including me some peace as we try and accept the unacceptable

  115. Just sending a note out to Richard, Holly, Lisa, Haney, Kathy, everyone on this site who has helped and who still brings me comfort today with your words, your shared experiences and your feelings. It is now about 2 years and five months since my beautiful Lindsay was stolen from us, and this summer has been such a struggle. As the Sarah McLachlan song says, and as some of you have written here, it is the endlessness of our pain and loss that we fear. I have tried this summer to do some activities to try to fill the emptiness and to live up to other people’s expectations and hopes that the “real me” will soon reappear. All I succeeded in doing was making myself miserable, sad and disappointed in myself that I cannot derive joy or pleasure from things I used to be able to do well. I am not the same person. I will never be the same person. Last week, one of my dearest friends who I know meant well said to me, “Life’s too short, enjoy yourself, drink more”. As someone here said, I didn’t lose my wallet! I was so upset and offended that this friend, whose own child is the centre of her universe, could be so insensitive. Another friend told me that my sadness makes them sad, and it helped me to realize this. I am trying to work on empathizing more with their sadness for me. But others don’t realize that it is now September; Christmas will be upon us soon, and then, for me, another April looms, another “anniversary” of LIndsay’s death. It will then be three years and others will expect me even more to be able to “move on”. They don’t realize that these are now the cycles of my life and that everything is viewed through the prism of the loneliness for my daughter. Everything in mylife is now “before” or “after”. My counsellor told me the other day that she is so glad that this site is one place I can go to talk to people who understand and where we are not alone. Thank you all, always.

    • It will be 2 years for me November 3 and I feel the same as you..especially about my friends and family who think I should have moved on. Like you, I will never be my old self again and don’t even have things I want to do or any ambition anymore. I am sorry we have to go through this terrible pain but glad we have others to talk to on here. Yesterday I was going through some of his things and it was very painful and I spent several hours crying. I really hate fall and winter because that’s when all my love ones died and it is a very depressing time for me. I dread the holidays also, He was my only child and I used to love to decorate and enjoyed our times together, but no more. I don’t even put a tree up for Christmas. We just have to live with the new lifestyle given us and I wish the best for all of you going through this.

      • Dear Haney I am thinking of you today

      • Dear Haney
        My thoughts are with you today.

      • Thank you so much for thinking of me! It is still very painful which you are also experiencing. You try to hang on as will I. Hugs to you.

    • Thank you for your kind words Allison. I will also never be the same again. I can’t! Like the rest of you on this site, we have lost a child. Only you, here, understand the pain. We will never forget our child and therefore, the pain will never go completely away. However, never will the joy of having had our child and being blessed with the time we did have (I hope). It has been almost 5 years since my beloved 13yr old son Kollin died here in my home. I have to remind myself that the only reason I still feel the pain is because I still remember the love and joy he brought to me. I can’t have one without the other. Therefore, I chose to have both. Though his path through life was short, I’m glad I got to walk it with him!!!
      I am afraid our friends (Outside of this group) will never quite understand. In fact, would we really want them to? I would never want anyone I care about to really understand what I am going through. I would rather them go on enjoying life and not really “Understand”. I sure wish all of us here were able to be in their boat.
      I am so sorry all of you are having to share this grief. I have friends say to me that it is “God’s Will”. I can’t stand that. It appears to comfort them with the belief that there was some good reason for my son’s death. Therefore, I should get over it.
      After nearly 5 years, I still miss my son. We all miss our children. They were to be our legacy. Instead, we are theirs. We will always remember and miss them. Time will not change that. What time WILL do is help us appreciate the time we had with them. That can never be taken away. My heart hurts for you all.
      So please, Allison, Kathy, Lisa, Julie, Holly and all the others here, please keep in touch and remember. Those of us here DO understand.

      • thank you Richard – your comments always resonate in my heart – I am sorry for your losses – your have a good heart and your comments make me a little bit likely to step off that edge that Jody talks about but I am teetering every day – thanks

      • Please Janice, no need to apologize. It is I who am sorry you share the grief we all have here. I wish I had met your precious daughter, dad and husband. What you are going through is more than I can imagine. Your kind words helps ease my soul.
        And thank you too Alison. I really appreciate your kind words as well. I have just reached the 5yr mark of my son’s death (I know people like to use the term “losing a child”, but I never lost him. He died, but he is still in my heart). I also wish I could have known your daughter. I know, like Janice’s daughter, she is special. I say “Is” because they are as long as each of you keep your love for them alive in your heart.
        In fact, that is what helps keep me going. As long as I am alive, my son continues to live within me. When he died, I first said I “Was his dad”. Then I realized, I still am.
        Janice, Alison, please remember that you are still the loving mother of that special child. They live within you. Like me, the only reason we hurt so much is because we had so much. Let’s honor them and embrace that love. Yes, it hurts. But I would rather have the hurt of losing that special child than never have had the joy of having them to begin with. Though their path through life was short, wasn’t it great that we were able to walk it with them?
        Alison, you will get a kick out of this. I decided to plant a tree in my son’s honor. Got seeds for a giant redwood. Heard it can grow here (If nurtured). He used to love going on walks with us in our woods out back. I think he would love to see us plant that tree and stick around to nuture it. Guess I will just have to stick around and do just that. I hope we can all still find something to keep us going and keep our kids proud. Sending my love to all of you. Afterall, that is what life is about.
        Please keep in touch. Though I know is is not much, I do care. Thanks!

      • Richard I am thinking of my little girl Missy tonight and am in such intense grief – and I am also thinking of you and your loss of your son – your words always touch me in a way I cannot express and having lost my husband to suicide too because he as a man felt he could not express his grief – thank you for being so open with your grief – I wish some day we could meet – my thoughts and prayers tonight as I fall to my knees tonight in prayer for my little girl, your son, you and your family to have peace

      • Richard – thinking of you in my prayers tonight – Janice

      • oops – I am in deep pain tonight – I meant your comments keep me back from the edge – just cant think straight anymore – its all just too much

  116. Dear Haney, thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling just as I am right now. I know another family that did not put a tree up for five years after the suicide of their daughter, and then they moved to a new house and finally, “it just felt right” to put up a tree again. I could have chosen not to, but my daughter loved Christmas so much that I knew she would never have wanted us to forego it, and so we have continued to have Christmas. I bought a beautiful stone sitting angel that looks just like my daughter. It is quite large and at Christmas, I bring it out and it sits on top of our bookcase, and I put little lights around it. I also bring her urn (which is in my little study) down to the bookcase so that she is still with the family over Christmas. Someone told me the first year that it was important to start one or two new traditions, so that is what we did. Just so you know, I still have not been able to tackle most of Lindsay’s things, Haney. I know the day will come when I will be able to face it, but like you, I just find it too hard at present. I am sending love to you and thinking of you today and every day, Haney.

  117. The one year anniversary of my Kaydin’s time on earth has just passed in September. And the pain still hurts, I cry daily – but I can also tell that I have changed. Back in the beginning several people and articles said to write your feelings down, keep a diary and I did just that. I would write down how I didn’t think I could go on one more day, the pain was so bad. But as the days turned to weeks and the weeks to months and now the months to year I can see in my writings that I have improved – I am a different person then I was before he went to heaven – I feel like I am stronger now. Nobody can understand the pain you have to suffer after losing a child – you can try to imagine it, but it is 100x more intense then anything that they could think of.

    Jodi stated in one of the articles that you go through life imagining your child as being your legacy, but after they have passed you are the one who has to carry on their legacy. It took me several months before I would even leave the house outside of going to work – I would not answer my phone or my door and would sit and stare at pictures. Now I can get out some, not a lot, but little short spurts here and there, I can talk about Kaydin without have a crying fit – but only for short periods – I have learned to read the signs that the grief and tears are coming so I will excuse myself – my family and friends completely understand.

    • Thank you for sharing how you are dealing with your grief over Kaydin. I think none of us realized how intense the pain would be before our child died. The heart break is not even measurable. My daughter died 2 years 8 months ago and I really don’t know how I have gotten through this far. It sometimes just seems like a blur.

  118. Things aren’t so good I cry all the time now
    I cry in the street I have wept a river of tears .
    My face has grown ugly with sorrow.
    My remaining sons looker older tired grief has changed us .
    The pain just doesn’t end.

    • Dear Kathy, you just keep hanging on. Drink lots of water to make up for all those constant tears. Do whatever you need to do to pamper yourself whatever it is if it will make you feel the tiniest bit better for a few moments. One moment at a time, one step at a time. Sending love and hugs to you and your sons. Holly

  119. I tried to kill myself, but my son found me and called the ambulance. He was as crying and I felt so ashamed. How could I hurt him after he just lost his sister? How could I go on with one child in heaven and one on the earth? All I know is that I can never hurt my son that way again, so I will have to endure the this indescribable pain until its my turn to escape this hell on Earth. In the mean time, I read alot. I’ve come across a blog called Channeling Erik. It’s written by a mother who lost her 20 year old son to suicide. It’s been 6 years since he shot himself and she has written about her struggles and how she copes almost every day. I also read a book called “Wave” written by a woman who lost her 2 sons, husband, mother and father all at once in the 2006 tsunami. The blog and the book show that it is possible to go on, but there is no Hollywood ending. The cavern in the heart never goes away, it just changes over time.

  120. I haven’t been here in a while, and in reading everyone’s comments my already-broken heart is breaking even more. Philip died (did I really just say that?) almost four years ago, and if I’m grateful for anything it’s that it’s now, and not then. I do not know how I survived that first year. Year two I started a blog ( and that’s one of the main things that’s gotten me through – that and the realization that my daughter needs me. I didn’t know it then, but having children is a risk. I took that risk, and now one child has died and one is here, with me. It’s in loving her that I’ve been able to go on. That, and the fact that much as I’d rather he be here in body, he’s not, but he’s all around me. Not in my imagination, but in the daily signs I get and the words I hear. So much has changed since he died, so much wisdom I’ve come to unwillingly. There’s an unbearable loneliness about losing a child. There’s no other relationship like that of parent and child. We’ve each lost someone unique and no one can ever take their place. Not that we’d want them to – we live in the love we have for these children. And even though we don’t “know” each other, we are certainly here for each other. That didn’t seem to matter much when Philip first died, but it’s come to matter deeply now.

    My thoughts, prayers, sorrow and tears are with all of you.

  121. On this Remembrance Day may all of our beloveds everywhere be happy and at peace and without pain anymore- I wish you all peace. I am deeply grieving for my little one and for my husband and father. Janice

  122. Today is my birthday and I hate this – I want my little girl back – it is so dark in my world – all I want is her back – it has only been 3 months and the world gets farther and more sad ever day – I find strength here – thank you

    • Hi Jan,

      Happy Birthday – I too gather strength from reading the stories and achievements of the others here. 3 months is nothing in the timeline of grief. My Kaydin was killed in a car accident on 09.16.14 – my world ended that day. My daughter (his mother) was driving and was also injured. In the first few months following the accident I was trying to cope with the lose and the anger, help my daughter heal and try to get my life back to “normal”. It was a futile attempt – I was lashing out at any and everybody that got near me – I went complete pyscho lady on a poor teller in a bank one afternoon cussing and causing a huge scene. Once I accepted the fact that life will never be “normal” again I was able to be a little less angry. I still cry every day for Kaydin, I pray to God several times and day and still try to bargain with him to give my Kaydin back.

      3 months is nothing in the long road you will be traveling. You will read about people still mourning many years after their loved one has gone and that might scare you like it did me at first. I would read these posts and think – please tell me I am not going to be deep in grief for the rest of my life, it just cannot be. But after many, many months I have learned what the others who are way down the road of grief – it does not go away, the pain is there but you want the pain in a strange way because it helps you remember you are still alive, it reminds you of the love you have for your child. It is hard to talk about Kaydin, the tears always start falling – but I have learned to embrace the tears and other emotions when they flood over me – it means I love Kaydin deeply.

      Be patient with yourself, try to get out with friends or family and do some fun things….you may think you cannot, but there will always be plenty of time to be alone with your thoughts and memories of your little girl and you need to LIVE, you are still here on earth and while you are LIVE as best as you can. I will go out with friends for a couple of hours and return home to my thoughts and memories and appreciate that time alone even more.

      Continue coming to this site – great people, great advice. Post a picture of your daughter and tell her story. I did this with Kaydin, you can see him on the “Our Children” tab. The healing will take time, lots of time but you do heal – a deep scar is left – but you will heal.

      • Jan, it has been almost three years since my son Matthew died. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago and some days it seems like yesterday. I have good days when I can laugh, but there are days that I cry. I promise that things will get better over time. I know that I will see him again when my time comes…Hang in there sweetie!

      • Hi Patty – I am trying to hang in – but it is SO hard to even get through one minute at a time and I am so afraid that something bad is going to happen it is hard to even close my eyes I get so scared. My face has gone ugly with grief and my face hurts from tears but they just don’t heal this hole in my heart and ache in my arms,,,God Bless you for helping my seek out this kind place where I can say how I feel and how scared I feel of not wanting to be here anymore but knowing that I am needed here and must go through this like everyone else here..,it is just so sad. How do you do it?

      • Jan, you ask how do I do it? When I start to feel really down – sometimes suicidal – I pray and ask God to please help me and give me peace. I also have my husband. He loves me with all his heart, but he can’t stop my heart from hurting. Sometimes, I feel as though my heart will explode from the pain. Matthew was my only child, and I don’t have another child to put all my energy into, so I must absorb all that hurt within! Matthew was my whole world. When he died, I lost my past, my present, and my future. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that God will let me unite with my Matthew again one day. Sometimes, I envy those that have lost children but have grandchildren to help them get through the nightmare! I find myself asking, “who do I hand my most treasured item such as pictures down to”? I lost my mom, my dad, and my brother, but there is no pain as deep as the loss of a child. I don’t believe in suicide, but occasionally, the thought will come to mind, but I have to push it aside because I don’t want anything to interfere with my reunion with my precious Matthew. I know that I will always feel pain as long as I breath, but I know that God will comfort me when I need it the most. I’m so sorry Jan for your pain because I know as much as anyone how you feel. I will pray that God will put his loving arms around you and help you get through this nightmare!

      • Patty you mean so much to me and I don’t even know you – I am a bit envious that you have your husband although as you say sometimes that even can’t take away the pain but I lost by husband to suicide 5 years before I lost my baby girl and I also lost my Dad who was my best human friend – but Missy was my only and I totally get what you said about not having grandchildren or other children and how differentn that can feel – not that it is – just how it feels. Empty – hopeless – I hate cancer as it took my baby and my Dad – and I hate suicide as it took my husband – but in some odd way I find my husband’s death almost easier because to be honest that was his choice – he wanted to leave to ease his pain and I actually understand that – when I tell anyone that they say how horrible that is – but then they have never walked in our shoes – which is why this site is so important to me – no one, no matter how well meaning – could possibly walk in out shoes – i find my extended family bury their heads in the sand and I understand that is their way of dealing with it and they have told me that it is just too hard on them to see me in such emotional pain and they cannot help me – at least they are honest but it makes me realize how alone I am so I am so blessed to have all of you – prayers for peace to you and your husband

      • Jan, I’m so sorry that you have had to deal with so much disappointment and hurt. I also have had loved ones die of unnatural deaths. My son died of an alcohol and drug overdose. My mom died at 48 of the same thing. And my brother hanged himself while in a hospital due to threatening to kill himself. He was on suicide watch and was able to end his life. Every person that was special to me died unexpectedly. I had no warning, so I couldn’t try and prepare for it. I’ve had to deal with so much pain in my life. The idea of dying doesn’t scare me because I’ve told my husband that after losing my son, I don’t fear death. Sometimes, I resent the fact that I have to go on living when I’ve lost the most important part of me! It has been almost three years since Matthew died, and I still can’t put pictures of him around the house because every time I see pictures of him it hurts. I’m reminded of what I lost. It’s really hard at birthdays and holidays. I went shopping yesterday. I saw people all around buying Christmas gifts, but I had no desire to buy anything. I lost all pleasure of gift giving, and I could care less if I receive anything either. When your child dies, it seems like all Christmas joy goes with him. Some people breeze through life and seem to have nothing buy good luck while others have nothing but bad luck. You know Jan, that’s a cop-out when friends and relatives stay away because it makes them feel bad! If it makes them feel bad, how do they think you feel? If you need someone to talk to just jump on this site and talk to me…I’ll be here anytime you need someone to talk to…God Bless.

  123. my 23year old son died Oct 21 2015. Today is his 1 month anniversary. It has really hit me hard today. Thoughts of suicide has been on my mind all day. Roger was my only son and we buried him on his birthday, Oct 24, with balloons and sang happy birthday. All I have been doing is going through each day the best I can. To top it all, my ex, his dad passed after hearing his son was dead one week later. I don’t know how I am going to make it through this. I haft to work two jobs and I am ready to collapse, any advise would be greatly appreciated.

    • Sandy my heart goes out to you it is 3 months for me losing my best friend and soul mate Missy from cancer at aged 17 – I also lost my husband to suicide and my Dad to cancer – it is a deep hole within which everyone here has been or still is – I find strength here when I can find it nowhere else. It takes time and we are so early in our journey. I also think of suicide every single day- last night was especially hard so when I ready your entry i felt moved to respond to you – please know you can always reach out to me here or directly if you wish to have me own email – we are here for each other when it seems the rest of the world is not – through no fault of their own but i find that no one, and i mean no one who has not lost their baby could possibly walk this path with me but we can and we will walk with you – as i hear often here just Step back from the edge – if only for a minute – and talk to us. We can help you and you can help all of us too. We are now members of a sad and exclusive club – and we all understand. i will pray for you and for peace. Jan

    • I am so sorry Sandy I wish I could hold you can only send a virtual hug.

  124. My 14 yr old daughter passed away on nov 14th unexpectly she had leukemia only 5 months she got a infection and passed away. I can not live I don’t no how to. She is my heart and soul. I miss everything about her. I can’t move I want her so bad. I feel like I’m dieing and I want to be with her so bad. everything reminds me of her I don’t think I can go on.

    • Dear parent, please spend time reading the blog posts here. We certainly understand how you feel and many of us have been in your shoes after our children died. We did eventually find a way to continue and the grace to get beyond the lure of death for ourselves. Please do read the other posts here, as we have poured out our hearts to help one another, and our best advice. Don’t think of it as living forever without her, but as making it through the next minute, and then the next. You can do that and we can help you. Some days, it is enough just to know you made it through another day. There isn’t a prize for it that you can collect and go on and it won’t bring her back, but you are her legacy now, and you have already survived the hardest day of your life. We can help you through these next hard days. Jody

      • I stumbled across this blog and can’t tell you how much it has meant to me. I lost my my amazing daughter Catie on Dec 2 2015 quite suddenly and tramatically even though she was born with a heart defect and has been ill all her life. She was 18 but has Down Syndrome (thank god). I say that because she lived every day to the fullest and did not focus on being ill and it made her amazing. One day she was at school and two weeks later she was gone. She was smart and funny and made everyone around her happy. She was loved by so many. She had a virus and we lived in intensive care for two weeks. The doctors could not figure out how she was still breathing but she was talking right up until the end. She was a fighter. Minutes before she died she said “I love you guys” to my niece and sister who sat viligently with us throughout her final days. My husband and I held her as she took her final breath. I can’t seem to get that image from my mind. She was my life and soul and I miss her so much I can’t seem to breathe. My chest hurts like someone dug out a piece of it. She was so amazing and touched so many lives. Christmas was so hard as she just loved the holidays. Her favorite day was her birthday and started planning for the next year the day after. The thought of her birthday without her is excruciatingly painful. I cry constantly and missing her seems to be getting worse not better. I force myself to leave the house as I only want to stay in bed. I sleep with her t shirt that she wore to the hospital. I just don’t know how to go on. It hurts so bad and I miss her so much.

      • I am so sorry about your daughter. It does hurt more than anything to lose a child. I know how you feel, like someone has tore you’re heart out. I am the same i have to drag myself out of bed just to keep going. The struggle can be too much sometimes. My son suicided after i told him off. I couldn’t say goodbuy as he was hit by a train. People tell you to just get over it but they have’nt walked in our shoes. I hope this life is just a glitch in time and that we get to see them again some day. On 2 Jan 2016 19:04, “Bereaved Parents Watering Hole” wrote: > > Sandra Bourgeois commented: “I stumbled across this blog and can’t tell you how much it has meant to me. I lost my my amazing daughter Catie on Dec 2 2015 quite suddenly and tramatically even though she was born with a heart defect and has been ill all her life. She was 18 but has D” >

    • Oh my God V, I am SO SORRY about losing your dear daughter. I also lost my son shortly after his 13th birthday. After he died, I could not even go into a grocery store (Tried, saw a couple with kids, and had to leave). I also felt like dying, but had to find the strength to live. As Jody said, please read our site. Unfortunately, you will see that many of us have shared this pain. Please hold on and know we are here for you and stay in touch. For now, just try to make it by, minute by minute and day by day.

      • I am struggling worse everyday I want to die. My daughter has been gone 44 days I can not imagine another hour let alone days without her.

      • I feel for you all i really do. I don’t know how i made it through this christmas. I felt despair and desolation. I retreated to my bed and cried. I felt if this is how it is, i really don’t want to be here.How did some of you cope as i am dreading new year.

      • Every person grieves differently. My husband became angry with me and our pets and worked 80 hours a week ad basically was never home, and when he was, he screamed and yelled at the pets (that were our daughter’s) and I so much that he eventually moved out. I was diagnosed with PTSD from the extreme stress and grief. Hospitalization, various mental health drugs, my daughter’s pets, and going to an art studio helped me through that first year. I found that people I met after my daughters passing were easier for me to talk to. Also, I’ve attended group meetings for parents whose children have passed. Meeting with other parents who know this indescribable pain has also helped. I recently met a nurse whose 16 year old daughter died of an aneurism. A few months later, her house burned down, loosing all the pictures, the following year she was diagnosed with cancer. She is now cancer free and has a positive attitude. She knows her daughter will be waiting for her when her time comes. But, for now, God wants her to continue to help people here on earth. So, she said she has chosen to enjoy her remaining time as much as she can. My daughter’s 3rd anniversary for passing is coming up soon- January 2nd. I plan on inviting some of her close friends over to bake cookies as this was one of her favorite activities. Their energy will help to lift and carry me through that awful day.
        Try to reach out to someone – talk, cry, sleep, do whatever it takes. You are here for a reason.

      • Debbie,

        We cope because there is no other option. Death for us is not an option. I want to see my daughter again so I need to not take away my life. Apparently I have work left here. I am now raising my granddaughter (3 years old), she lost both parents in one car accident. To honor my daughter, I promised she would have a good life regardless of my personal feelings. That is my way to honor her. Christmas for me is heartbreaking but I know my granddaughter loved it. The day after Christmas is my daughters birthday, so another milestone day to get through. On new years day is my granddaughters birthday. I will survive it, because I must. I owe it to my daughter and granddaughter. They will me to live everyday. Who or what can wI’ll you? We are here for you.

    • Let’s start with, I know your pain. I feel the same about my daughters loss. I still have work here and need to raise my granddaughter for her. It’s hard because I see her in my granddaughter everyday, but I know I’m needed. Please please seek help. Call somebody right away. Do not wait. It starts with waking up and breathing in and out. That is a must. Even though you don’t feel like it, pick up the phone and call someone. This is something you do not try to handle on your own. For some reason you are still needed here. Find that reason. You are with friends. We have shoulders to lean on, but please get help and we will still be here for you.


      • Tony i am so sorry for your loss and for your little grandchild who lost two parents. It must be so hard to look at her and see your daughter. You are so brave. I have a grandson who looks like my son but am not allowed to see him as his mother has married a muslim and he won’t let me see him. In one way mabe it is for the best because i don’t know if i could bear it. I know o am weak. I think you are wonderful strong man because even though you are hurting so bad you are there for your grandaughter.

    • I’m so very very sorry your 14 yr. old daughter was so cruelly taken from you and way too soon. Of course you feel you cannot go on without her and want only to be with her. My heart breaks for you and for her. It is devastating and horrific, I know. Please just hang on and breathe and with every breath, tell your baby how much you love her. And when you lay down and close your eyes for sleep, ask her to come to you in your dreams. She is okay, she is safe, she is at peace, she is near to you right now. Feel her presence because she is going to stay around you for awhile. Sending my love, Holly

    • to everyone tonight peace and prayers – it is 4 months today that I lost by baby girl and I just cannot find the desire to go on anymore but I know that I was left here for a reason – I just wish I knew what it was. I cried all day and cannot stop aching for her – to hold her again, to smell her smell, to listen to her heartbeat – oh god why did she have to go – love to everyone here – you are my strength

  125. Tonight is so hard – it is now 4 months and I just want to die and be with my little girl – nothing means anything anymore – there is no sun in my sky – no life left for me – it hurts so much I just cannot imagine how to get through any more time without her….I want to hold her in my arms again…..oh god….

    • Janice, I am so sorry for your pain. I lost my son the day before last Christmas eve, and I received the phone call from my daughters while my husband and I were out doing last minute shopping. Today, I walked into WaWa and the song “I’ll be Home for Christmas” started to play, and I thought that I would die. My son was 29. And he was a wonderful young man. I am so sorry for your pain. My Mom died in January 2014, then my son the following December? So I want to turn to my wise and strong Mom to ask her what to do, and she is no longer there.I feel so bad that you have no one to turn to during your deepest pain. I thought that it hurt to lose Mom, but it doesn’t compare to losing my dear, sweet son. A counselor told me that I should think about the lives that my son touched when he was alive, how he would help anyone in need, whether it took phone calls, money, a place to sleep. Comfort. And that does help. Before I walked into the convenience store, I was so happy to think that I could have the privilege of bringing such a wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful, kind human being into this world. And that thought made me very happy. I am sure that you are proud of that sweet daughter that you brought into this world. So, even if you are in pain, and I feel so deeply sorry for you, think of what a wonderful person I’m certain that you are to have carried and brought that darling, sweet soul into this world. Think of the people that she touched, even with her smile to cheer up a stranger. And realize that you must be a truly special person to have made a little girl, who I am absolutely certain brightened so many lives during her short time. It is sometimes the only way I get through. Even if I feel lousy for losing my son, and feel so much guilt, I gave him the genes to make Dan so wonderful. But I miss his hugs… And it is hard to remember that physical feeling now. At times,though, I will suddenly feel pure love come into my heart, and I realize that it is his him, reminding me of how much he still loves me, and how proud I am of him, and how much I will always love my dear boy.

      • [image: Artwork by Tanya Lord]

    • Janice, I’m so sorry you are suffering so badly. My daughter has been gone fo 2 1/2 years. I can’t tell you that things will get easier, but I can tell you that the pain goes through changes. I can now go outside and do “normal” activities, but I have changed greatly. A strand of grief has woven it’s way through every aspect of my life. Everything is muted and there is no genuine happiness, yet. I have met other mothers who have lost their children decades ago. They tell me that it does get better, but it never goes away. Kind of like a soldier coming home from war. They are no longer on the battlefield, but the PTSD continued until oneday unbeknownst to them, they woke up and were able to smile.

      I have a son for whom I must continue to raise. I love him so much and don’t want to cause him any more pain by leaving this world. I tried once and saw him fall apart. I have appologized profusely and promised him that I will never do that again.

      One thing that helped me was getting out of my house and hanging out at my close friend’s home. It was just too painful to be in my house. We have sinced moved out of it. So now, I see a therapist, take medication, and read books on the afterlife- someone gave me a Brian Weis book, which soothed me and led me to delve into the idea of life after death. After lots of reading, meeting mediums, etc., I now have a strong belief in the afterlife which has given me comfort because I know she is with me and that I will see my sweetie someday, when ever my time comes.

  126. I just cannot go on without my little girl – I just can’t. I want to be with her and not be here anymore – all I see is darkness. How do I go on? Oh God. Help me…..I want her back with me. Nothing else matters….my heart and world is shattered….

    • Janice i really feel for you. i know how you feel i feel the same. It is hard trying to express how you feel as people don’t understand. I have come on this site because i feel i am not alone as people on this site can relate to us. I don ‘t feel lik a weakling for hurting as most people who love their children find the pain excruciatung. I really feel for you. Other people on this site would probably be a better comfort as i am not good with words.

      • Debbie you do just find with words – my heart breaks with yours. I hope you are ok – write if you like and you can always email me directly. Janice

      • Hi janice. As you know christmas is hard i feel like my heart is gonna break. Christmas isn’t christmas without my boy.

  127. Knowing that you are all with me really helps so I can talk about things I cannot say anywhere else because no one else understands how much we do not want to be here anymore but we know that we are here for a purpose it is just sometimes it gets to be too much…………Janice

    • Thanks Janice. Sadly we do understand. I sure wish you did not have to share what we here have in common. When others say they can’t imagine, they are right. What we here know goes beyond imagination. I no longer fear death, but I do know that I must not allow myself to go there too soon in despair. I As long as I live a part of my son still lives within me. In a cosmic sense, all our lives are so short. We will all pass on. My son just got there before me. It has been 5 years for me now. I can actually look back on his life and smile. Though his path through life was short, I’m glad I got to walk it with him. I’m sure I will be with his spirit again someday. In a cosmic sense, that will be soon. I don’t dare say how any of you should feel, but given time, I am now able to at least see past the darkness and begin to remember the joy. Love you son!

  128. My son suicided after i told him off. I can’t live wiith this pain. I can’ eat or sleep. It has been four years and i have lived in constant torment. I want peace. In switzerland will they allow assisted suicide for severe depression. It has affected all my organs so it has also become physical.

    • Debbie, I do believe in everyone’s right to make decisions for themselves and their bodies and their life. HOWEVER, that said, depression, and particularly severe depression, can turn the corner from grief to a biologically wired and biologically chemical mental illness which can be treated with drugs and other measures. First, I would say you need counseling, but you’ve likely already had that, so let me rephrase to say you may need different counseling. You may be best suited with someone who deals with the guilt first and the grief second, though they are Siamese twins on the surface of your comment. If you step back from the edge, who would be affected by your suicide? Who would you pass this burden to? Only you can answer that. The holidays are the absolute pits for grieving parents; in fact, tonight I’m part of a group of clergy offering a “blue service” which is not falsely joyful, but reflective for those who have lost loved ones, or who suffer from depression. Are there such supports in your area? It sounds like you really would benefit from an inpatient assessment if you can’t eat or sleep and there is no relief. Before you consider the ultimate step — one which seems like a solution when you are in such dire pain, but one which is absolute and which cannot be undone, and which creates more ripples of grief and pain — please, please consider a full evaluation by physician and mental health professionals who specialize in grief. We understand your pain. We do not diminish it. We hear it. Many of us have become physically sick from the burden. When they “aged” my cancer, they felt it had probably originated about the time my son died, and then grew over the years before it was discovered. I know it can make you sick, the grief of it all. And if you were suffering from a heart condition (which you are), you would get help. This is now life threatening and it needs to be treated with that honesty. Please, Debbie, get professional and serious help.

      • I live in a tiny town where there is no help. I was refered to a psychologist who told me that of i wanted to kill myself it was my choice, so i took a large ammount of pills. I was resussetated and was horrified to still be here. My daughter said she would be hurt if i did it again. Only my daughter and brother care. I know my brother would cope but maybe not my daughter. The doctors agree that it is destroying my physical health but they really don’t care. I have begged for help. I don’t like food anymore and can’t sleep even though they gave me medication. I end up on hysterics wanting to sleep but the guilt won’t let me. I then become suicidal and it is an impulse thing in a fit of frustration i cut my wrists. I don’t want to hurt my daighter but i really can’t help it. It is embarassing as i used to be so proud. The mental health team where i live have lost many a patient to suicide but they don’t care because they say it is your own fault.

    • Debbie, I lost my son almost three years ago, so I understand the torment you are experiencing. The loss of a child is devastating to any parent. We all wish that we had said something to our child that would have made a difference. I believe that everyone on this site has regrets about something after losing our child. I had an only child, so I wish that I had another child or at least a grandchild to cherish. I know that if your could go back in time, you would do things differently as I know I would. I read on another grief site that in order to heal, you must first forgive yourself! If your son were still here I know that he would forgive you. He knows that people say things in anger when they are upset. I have done that many times and regretted something that I said to someone. My last visit with my son was a pleasant one, but there were other visits that were stressful. If your son could talk to you right now, I’m positive he would say, “mom, don’t be so hard on yourself, I love you”. If you had known that your son was going to commit suicide after leaving you that day, you would have not told him off would you? Unfortunately, we can’t see the future – only God can do that! My husband is having a lot of guilt also, I have been struggling with him and trying to get him to forgive himself, so he can forgive others. The hardest thing in the world is to forgive yourself. Debbie, if your son had been the one to tell you off the last time you were together, and you decided to end your life, would you want him to be tormented about it? Your son knows that people say things in anger that they wouldn’t say otherwise. We all have done it! I believe you will see your beautiful son again one day just as I will see mine. In the meanwhile, cherish your daughter. Make your son proud by forgiving yourself. That’s the best thing you can do for him. I will be praying for you Debbie. I will pray that God will give you some peace which you desperately need.

      • Patty and Debbie, I lost my son 9 years ago and our last moments together weren’t good and I have had what some call guilt, but that’s not really what it is. It’s feeling deeply sad that I hurt my son, that he was hurting when he left, that maybe he felt I didn’t love him enough, that he felt I didn’t support him, that I could have saved him, that at least I could have made his parting easier, that I could have hugged and kissed him.
        This hurt I feel inside is not for me but for my son. I love him so much and he was my soulmate and best friend. Patty what you said about forgiving yourself and how we all say things in anger and that Debbie’s son knew this or knows it now, was so comforting to me. Though the hurt is always there the only thing I can do to keep going on is to distract myself and not allow myself to think about it, except during times I choose to. Sometimes I choose to but that has only been a recent ability with the years passing. If I hadn’t distracted myself in every way possible, I would not be here.. I have another son who needs me and I must stay for him. Debbie, you must stay for your daughter and I know it feels like you can’t but in the future you will be stronger and will know it is possible to do it. Death is forever as you know and it’s not time yet to cut yourself away from your daughter. Whether the relationship is good or bad, deep inside she really needs you and she always has HOPE that you will be all right and that your relationship with her will be good. A child never gives up on their parent. Don’t give up on yourself. Keep writing your feelings here and getting others to talk with you, like us, and you’ll be stronger with time. During this time, just keep holding on, one baby step at a time, keep walking.

      • Thankyou all for your replies. I can’t believe that the feelings you have and the torment, guilt and regret are exactly the same as mine. I have not come across anyone that has gone through the same as me. I have been made to feel like a freak. I have been shouted at, called an attention seeker looking for pity. No one but my daughter has understood. I have told these people i don’t want their attention and what can pity do to ease the pain. My pain also is for my son. I too am tormented that at the thought i must have felt so alone and that he needed his mum and i wasn’t there for him. That he went to his death alone and thinking i didn’t care. He was beaten up badly by a gang and his friend said this affected him. I am full of rage towards them. I don’t want to be this way but they have got away with it. I really appreciate your replies as i can relate to you as you have all been through the same.

      • I’m so sorry Debbie. The rage is natural and normal and if you didn’t feel it, then that wouldn’t make sense. Please don’t worry what anyone else thinks because it doesn’t matter. Most of us have probably found that family and friends didn’t come through as we thought they would and as we needed them to. They just don’t and cannot understand and your sacred love for your son is like a brilliant flame and it might burn those who get too close, so they run. But they blame the one who is hurting. Yes I know it sucks. The world is such a harsh place and people can be so cruel. Those who hurt your son will hopefully pay because karma really does happen and there will be justice for them. It may not be now, but it WILL come. It even makes me angry just reading about it from you. Bless you and hold on tight.

      • Torment guilt regret That is all that I have now and I do not want to go on – there is just too much cruelty and sadness in our world – if I thought I could change it I would stay but I cannot – I hope that others are having a better Christmas time than I – God Bless you all

      • i can’t express the pain i feel of loneliness and regret, but i know you all understand as you have been there and are still experiencing it. Christmas is a constant reminder of all the things i did wrong before my son died. Being beaten on christmas day has left me wanting answers and a longing for the purpertrators to be punished for what thwy did to my son. People think that as time passes you just forgive and forget. It gets worse because the longer i am without my son the more i miss him, the more i blame them. I have asked for proffessional help but have been left to deal with it alone. I can’t believe i let my son down and blame myself, but i am recently started to think that if they hadn’t have hurt him then none of it woyld have happened.

  129. That advise is sound. I lost my daughter on August 19th 2013, the day after my 50th birthday which she could not make. We had family issues as most families do. If she were here, she would want me to go forward and work towards being together forever. Sticking around here for 20 -30 years is a long time for us, but not nearly a sacrifice if there is a possibility of seeing my daughter again. I, apparently still have work to do, but one day we can all be together again. Taking my own life was not an issue as I am afraid god would not let me in to be with her. Please, drive out of town if you have to seek treatment, but find help. You still have work here. Family, etc. We, your friends, will walk with you.


  130. Found your site today. Lost my fourteen year old son last year. Other problems now too…divorce, tax problems. The pain just keeps compounding. Your points are exactly what I’m going through. All of them…especially the aloneness. I’m very close to taking my own life….I just can’t deal with the pain. Most people are afraid of nightmares they MIGHT have when they go to sleep. I wake up to my worst nightmare each and every day. And it’s a certainty. It’s too much. Not sure if you’ll even read this.

    • Dave, we read it. You have a home here, with us. We understand. You express exactly how we felt after our child died — that we are living the nightmare most people won’t even allow themselves to dream of or imagine. Stay with us. We’re here for you.

    • Dave please keep in touch with us – we all know your pain. We are the only ones who really do – I am also so close to wanting to end it all and just be with my baby girl but my being here ensures that a part of her lives on – your son would not want you to do that – you will be with him in time. Try and hold on to all of us – because we need you i also have money problems and i lost my husband to suicide – i understand – I really do. Please feel free to email me anytime. Janice

    • I know Dave my brother compared my loss to the loss of his dog and told me to get a grip. When i said what if it was your child he accused me of wanting it to happen to his. I love my niece and would never want that. The sad truth is we are living that nightmare and unless it happens to them they don’t want to know. I can empathise with you as i woke up crying today and felt in pits of despaire. I hope that one day this cloud lifts for us. I am so sorry for your loss i know the nightmare feeling your little boy is gone. I really feel for you.

      • Really Debbie? A dog??!! Reminds me of Halloween 5 years back. My 13yr old son died 3 weeks earlier. Had my 12yr old daughter out trick-r-treating. Was standing next to a woman who had her dog on a leash. Bent down and petted it. She said I looked so sad. Told her I lost my little one a couple of weeks ago. She said to me “I know how you feel. It’s almost like they are a part of your family”. My brain froze. Then I realized she thought I was talking about a dog. I stood up and smiled. I realized she had no idea what I was talking about. Obviously, your brother doesn’t either. I simply told her “Yes”. There is no way others can even come close to really understanding the pain we go through. I am so sorry that those of us here do. Thanks for sharing. Your brother does not come close to understanding, but I do Debbie. Thanks again for sharing.

      • I don’t think people mean anything when they say that – they just don’t know the facts. They mean well they really do – but if they don’t know, they don’t know – it’s not that they don’t get it – J

      • So sorry for your loss. There id nothing like the loss of a child. Yes my brother did liken my child to a dog. He was devastated when his dog died but never showed any emotion over his nephew and expected the same of me. I would have been heart broken if it was my niece. Maybe he doesn’t understand or he just cares about himself. I don’t care that he doesn’t care about me but i get angry about my son. My other brother has been a rock and i don’t think i would have survived without him. We know the pain because we have been there and are still going through it.

    • Wow Dave. Divorce too? Can’t quite say I’ve been there. It’s now been 5 years since my 13yr old son Kollin died. Almost destroyed my marriage as well. You are going through so much. Please find the strength to hold on. Your son was to be your legacy, but now you are his. Try to hold on. As long as you live, a part of him will continue to live within you. Please keep his memory alive and share they joy he brought to you. As I tell others, though my son’s path through life was short, I am glad I got to walk it with him. I hope, in time, you will feel the same.

  131. Dave, it is true it’s our worst nightmare. Like living in hell. Like being tortured every moment we walk through life. There is nothing worse than losing your child and compounded with other huge problems it seems impossible to stay and to go on. This world is so messed up. Some people never know a second of love and are only abused and hated and hungry. Some people decide to leave this shitty world and I get it. Without my other child here, I’m not sure I’d have stayed. I’m also grateful for one thing and that is that my Matt who had his own personal torment, does not have to live here and potentially encounter even more pain anymore. He was too beautiful and good. Too precious a diamond, too wonderful for this place. But I got to love him and have his love and if he hadn’t lived here, I never would have known real love. I wouldn’t have learned the beauty of nature, music, the rain, wind, mountains, stars and the moon and space, flowers, pasta, loving smiles, babies, oh and I could go on all day about all I learned from him.

    We were given the ‘gift’ of being able to leave here. What true torment it would be to know we could never escape the endless pain through death.
    I’m so sorry you are having to deal with so many things and my heart goes out to you. Death and your pain would be no more. But I would ask you to stay simply because you are kind and good. From your few words I can see that. We need people like you in this world. I know it hurts, of course it does, but you have gifts still to give that people will need. Your intelligence and kindness will help someone. If I could hug you like you need, I would.

  132. Dear Richard, Haney, Patty, Rene, and especially Dave and those who have only recently lost their precious children, I just want to say you are all in my thoughts this Christmas Eve. This is the third Christmas since my deeply-loved Lindsay was killed, and for some reason, it has been more of a struggle than ever to go through the motions of the Christmas preparations. I have managed to do a little bit only because of my child, her brother, who remains. My heart goes out to all of you always; this is the only place I can find people who understand and share our deepest, most profound loss. To Dave, yes, it is a struggle to remain and to try to stumble our way through each hour or day, but as someone once said to me, taking our own lives would only add more grievous harm to those who have already lost so much when our children were stolen from us. Thank you all for those times when you have consoled me or carried me through the darkest times.

    • Thank you Alison, and Merry Christmas to you! This will be the third Christmas for me too without my Matthew. I told someone this morning that I can’t seem to find JOY at Christmas anymore. Of course, I celebrate the birth of Jesus, but I don’t get joy anymore when receiving or giving gifts. I ordered a few gifts for others, but I didn’t wrap a single gift to put under the tree. We visited some family members, but there was no excitement! I pray that God will wrap his loving arms around all of us this Christmas and bring us peace. Thanks for all your encouraging words throughout the year.

    • I know how you feel – tonight is Christmas Eve and the first without my precious girl – I am alone and am finding it hard to keep going – but suicide will not bring my baby back to me – cancer took her away from me – but I want to disappear……I wish everyone who reads these peace Janice

    • Thanks for being there! It is great comfort knowing you all are out there and I really appreciate your help through the past year. Love and hugs to you all!

  133. Janice, Dave, I was thinking of you all through Christmas. I want you to know that for five years before my daughter was killed, she was grieving the loss of her closest college friend who had committed suicide. My daughter never got over that loss, and she made me promise that no matter how bad things might be in our lives for any reason some day, we would never, ever do that to each other. So my still being here almost three years later is in large measure also because I made a promise to my daughter that suicide would never be an option. I still insist with my counsellor that I will exercise my free will if and when I choose, as my “free will” became very important to me after my Lindsay was stolen from us. As Janice said, our beloved children would never want us to take our own lives. Our thoughts of suicide are not because we truly want to end our own lives, we just want the pain to stop, as Holly said.

    My husband, son and son’s girlfriend have now survived our third Christmas without Lindsay. Yes, there were tears and sadness, especially when I learned they weren’t coming Christmas Eve. It had been years and years since there was a Christmas Eve without either of my children home. Despite trying to do it all the last two Christmases, for some reason this year, I just couldn’t and so we just did stockings instead, and that was a good decision. My dear husband did all the grocery shopping and cooking. I couldn’t help crying every time Lindsay’s name was mentioned, and my son and I cried together. However, on Christmas Day, my son discovered a whole trove of “selfie” photos we had never seen that Lindsay had uploaded on an old notebook. Finding these photos on Christmas Day was a precious gift. But I have such a tremendous feeling of relief that Christmas is over this year, as the stress and guilt of not being able to get organized at all was really weighing heavily on me beforehand.

    Love and peace to you all.

  134. P.S. Haney, so good to hear from you. Love and hugs to you too!

    • Dear Alison, i am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Lindsey. I tried hard over christmas but all i could do was cry. I spent all day on his tribute page. My daughter cooked the dinner and we gave our presents before christmas. I am glad to see it over. You are in my thoughts and am sending you big hugs. I pray that over time it will ease s little. Xxx

  135. 1. Myth: “Time heals all wounds, and eventually grief comes to an end.” Grief is an adaptive response that is not bound by time. It never really ends; we don’t “get over” grief. It is something we learn to live with over time, as we gradually adjust to the physical absence of the one who has died. Grief softens and erupts less frequently as time goes on, but it can revisit us at any time, and in varying intensity, whenever we are reminded of our loss.

    2. Myth: “Those who mourn are weak in their faith.” Grief often brings on a crisis in faith, because a significant loss challenges all of our basic beliefs about the nature and fairness of the universe, the existence of a higher power, or even the very nature of God. Others cannot compete with this process; they need to wait with unconditional love, patience, and compassion as we find our own way, and mourn in the manner that is best for us.

    3. Myth: “The first year of grief is the hardest, and the time when support is most needed.” For some, the second year is even harder than the first. The reality is that we will need ongoing compassion and support.

    4. Myth: “The goal of grief is to let go of the one who died and move on with life.” The bonds of love are never severed by death, and if cherished memories and legacies are intentionally tended and nourished, it is normal and healthy that a close relationship with the deceased will continue and endure throughout our lifetime.

    • Wonderful, Janice. All so true.

      • People keep telling me that time is a great healer and that i got this pain because i want it. That i am not letting go. I feel like i am being bullied for grieving my son. I know they don’t mean it or understand. I just want to be left alone. Only my daughter understands as she loved her brother so much. I now get angry when they say things and ask them to change the subject and not to mention my son. I feel for you all so much as i know your pain. How do you cope even though you are in dire pain. The people around me haven’t had a loss i just want to talkto you people because only people that have had a great loss in their lives can understand.

      • You take whatever time you need. They don’t get this kind of loss. You owe no one an explanation, however, do breathe and know others here on earth still need your presence. Wake one day at a time. Live life as full as you are able, relish in your daughters successes and know that’s what he would want. I am sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter in a car accident over a year ago. Both parents of my granddaughter died that day. The task I have now is to give my granddaughter a good full life in honor of her parents and to let her know who they are and how much they loved her. Keep reminding your daughter of that. Eventually it will help both of you. Hugs to all.


      • I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I am sorry that your little grandaughter losing her parents. You are a very brave man. I have a grandson but an not allowed to see him becsuse his mother has married a muslim. I don’t think i would be able to handle it at the moment anyway because he looks so much like my son. I feel so guilty as i told my son off and he suicided. He left a letter but i wonder if it was a cry for help. To bring up your grandaughter in so much pain makes you a very special person.

      • Debbie, the people that keep telling you that you want this pain has absolutely no idea what they are talking about. And time does not heal, it just makes the pain bearable. Debbie, you should feel free to grieve the way you want to grieve. Don’t let anyone determine how much you grieve or for how long you grieve!!!!

    • Janice you are so right how can we be normal ever again .

  136. When my beautiful little girl Missy died an angel wrote in the book of life the time and date of Missy’s birth – then whispered to me as she closed the book ” Too beautiful for earth”.

    My love to you all and may you find peace until you are together again,

    • Janice so sorry for your loss. When you said your daughter was too good fot this world , i believe that too. They are the sensitive souls that are too good for such a cruel world as this xxx

  137. Good afternoon all. I came to google and found your posts that I could relate too so deeply. My son was born July 14, 1993. My brothers daughter was also born the same day three hours apart. (we called them twin cousins) My son passed away July 13, 2015, I don’t know what from, it said pulmonary edema due to cardiac dilatation due to obesity. As a nurse I know obesity cases very well. Jacob was actually just meeting criteria for surgery and he was strong and active. he was 6’2″ 326 pounds and played football. No prior history of any lung condition through his life. He did have an incident three years prior when I found him aspirated but I was able to get to him on time. He was intubated for 6 days three years ago and seemed fine after that, No drugs in his system but I learned later he did play with some here and there. This time I found him again but it was too late, he was on his back, phone still in hand with his eyes closed. It was too late and it was the first time I ever did CPR as a nurse on my own kid. I tried anyway and thought I did it wrong, wondering what I could have done. I work at home and found him being in the same house with him for three hours before. What if I checked on him sooner? Just beating myself up all the time. The following day would have been his 22nd birthday. Yesterday Feb 3, his cousin had a baby- I am so happy for her but it hit me so hard and I cant believed he missed something like this, I still have a lot of bad days, lost 25 pounds, drink, don’t want to live either, but I will for my other son who is the reason I’m here today. I have punched doors, splintered the door I walked through and found Jake that morning into pieces with a bat. (there is a wall there now) I just couldn’t take looking at that door anymore. I’m doing all the right things, counselor, exercise, medications, follow ups with the doctor but just cant stand it. I have read a lot of cries for help here and good advice. I’m glad I found you. It might be better if my other son wasn’t away in the navy, he is safe and I should be thankful for that but I felt better when he was here and I was there for the holiday’s. When I got the autopsy reports I said “hell no” It just isn’t acceptable. He smoked that Tank, Vape crap and did a ton of it? Pulmonary edema? It was the only thing I could think of, so now even researching, calling universities, learning as much as I can. His doctor that did the autopsy said he couldn’t rule it out but they can only diagnose what they know. Well that sucks to get a report 2 months later when he is already buried. Too many unanswered questions. I would have fought for more answers if I had know before he was buried. I thought his age maybe an overdose or something that wasn’t found from when he last aspirated. I hate not knowing for sure. He was a mess, necrotic cells on his liver, pulmonary edema? on a 22 year old? I’m so angry. I’ve written nasty letters to his doctor because he didn’t take me seriously when I sent Jake to him for his weight issue. I am at the point now where I am hiding a lot of my pain to spare the people around me so they don’t worry. I’m only a half year in and cant imagine how to live ten -20 more years like this. I am going to keep reading all your answers above, it looks like I wrote some of them myself just reading what you wrote and me relating to your stories. Thank you for your time

    • Arlene, I really sympathize with you because my son’s death was ruled an accidental overdose. And I also have so many unanswered questions. The doctor told me that my son’s liver, heart, and kidneys had failed. It broke my heart to see him lying in that bed knowing that I could do absolutely nothing to change the outcome. He was my only child. It sickens me to see all the young lives destroyed by drugs – legal and illegal street drugs. A good friend of my son’s died about six months before he died, and he was overweight. He struggled all his life with his weight. He was tormented when he was a child. When he was about 23 years old, he had gastric bypass surgery. He did well for awhile, but gained most of the weight back. He later injured his back and got hooked on pain pills. He was trying to lose weight, so he could have back surgery – the doctor told him that he had to lose weight before he could have the surgery. Unfortunately, he never got to have back surgery because his wife found him dead in bed at age twenty-nine. I loved him very much, and he was like a son to me. I lost both of them within six months. My son’s girlfriend also died of a drug overdose two years before he died. I thought I did all the right things when raising my son. I taught him to stay away from alcohol and drugs. Unfortunately, when our children grow up, we can’t make decisions for them. They must make their own decisions; and some of them make the wrong decisions. God has a purpose for us – that’s why we are still here. I think most of us wanted to die when we lost our children. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just helps us to live with the pain. I pray that God will comfort you and give you strength.

      • Thank you Patty, I’m sorry for you as well. after I wrote I ended up inpatient and that helped a little. I just didn’t want to do it anymore and stayed inpatient for 10 days. After, I started a group for siblings and there was interest and a need for it. After I got through the initial terrible grief daily, I started to worry about my other son and I couldn’t find much for him. I hate he is alone in California. You have a lot going on, I lost a friend myself three weeks after Jacob. You’re right about the drugs- they are rampet around here as well and i hear of overdoses all the time. A young woman who worked at a hair salon that I go to was killed by 2 heroin addicts and they ruined their lives as well. Drug dealers need to be dealt with. Id like to hunt them down myself – who are they to turn our kids into something else when we work their whole lives to raise them? (maybe a little bit of the anger stage here) .

  138. Its been 7 mos now since my son died
    He died a horrible painful death and i do not believe he got good medical care and i feel horribly guilty about it. He left 2 beautiful daughters but there are issues about that their mom is talking about moving them away even though they spend most weekends with our family and have special bond with all of them
    Most who i thought would be there for me are gone uncomfortable with my grief others tell me things that hurt that i should be happy about this or that i have grandkids other sons are suffering too. I have lost alot of people in my life parents my dad was young my best friend a few months before my son but i have never been so devasted and in so much pain and so alone in my life everything even happy things are in the shadow of my sons death my faith has been shaken to the core i want so much to believe that i will see him in the afterlife but im not sure of nothing. I thought id be coping better by now but the only difference is im better at hiding it and people are happy to let me do so.

  139. My second oldest son, Chris, was killed in a hit and run on Dec 7 2014 when he was 19. He was hit by multiple cars. I am married and have 4 other children, 2 of which are still at home. I am living in a nightmare. My youngest son recently started getting in trouble with the law just like Chris did when he was the same age. I want to die but I keep living for my husband and remaining children…I don’t want them to feel more pain but I don’t know how I can keep living like this.

    • Melinda, I am so sorry to see you in the same place I found myself 5 years ago. When my 13yr old son suddenly died at home, I also wanted to die (You can see my history in this site). However, like you, I had other children that still needed me.
      I withdrew from them due to my pain. Looking back I can see that they not only lost their brother, but for some time, their dad as well. I hate to say but I resented the fact that I had to stick around for them and could not take the selfish way out.
      However, they also probably saved my life. I had to step back and realize that Kollin would have wanted me to stick around and would have been disappointed if I let myself go. I had to find the strength to live day by day with pain that seemed endless. In time, I have been able to come to terms with his death. I will never “Get over it” but have managed to “Get through it”.
      I have finally reached some level of peace. I can finally look back on his life and smile. Though his path through life was short, I am glad I got to walk it with him. As long as I live, a part of him will live within me.
      I pain for you Melinda. There is no quick fix. I hope you too will find the strength to simply get by another day (One day at a time). You are still loved and needed. I believe Chris would want you to stick around, find peace (Eventually) and smile someday when you look back on the good times you shared with him. He is still alive in your heart.

  140. I of my sons yesterday. The pain is like having a hundred shards of heart..I feel like somehow I should of prevented this somehow. ….I should of seen the warning signs and done something. .Maybe I.failed him..He was my angel from heaven and being his mom was the greatest gift God has ever given me…now I feel lost,alone,..what is there to live for…His face pops into my head,,,or I think of a memory. .a holiday. .the photos on my phone..I don’t know how to live without him..I loved him more than life itself. .He was taken too soon. ..I don’t know what to do. .I feel empty and irreversibly broken. .and the crying fits are endless. ..I am beyond devastated. ….I fear I won’t recover from this..all the thoughts of him…what if I could.of prevented this somehow. ..It won’t stop playing in my’s torture. ..All of this is like.being in hell.

    • Oh, Sweet Amy! I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experienceing right now. It took me three years to enjoy living again after losing my only child. I didn’t think I would ever be able to laugh again – but I do. Amy, things do get better. Be strong and hang in there. We all second guess everything we did or didn’t do when we lose a child. Time doesn’t completely heal wounds, but it makes the wounds less painful!!

      • I am so so sorry for your loss. Right now you are going through the roughest time. I lost my daughter in August of 2014. Both parents of my granddaughter were killed in the accident. I am now raising a 3 year old who gives me purpose. She is the reason I force myself to wake or just function. When the time is right, know you have a purpose for being here. Please do not beat yourself up. It does no good when questions cannot be answered. Your son would not want that, I’m sure. Please see whoever you need to to get through. Let your friends and family help you. Do not hide your feelings. Share them. They will be there for you. Know we are here as much as we can be. God bless and again, I am so sorry.

    • Dear Amy
      I am so so sorry .
      You can nothing now only grieve for your son your child your baby
      This is that time .
      Later you will live again

  141. It’s three years today since my beautiful son Peter died.
    The pain is still there every morning when I wake and throughout the day
    We went to his grave -still unmarked by stone but covered in flowers .
    Three years how can this be ?
    To me it is as yesterday .

  142. All,

    I lost my only son a less than 2 months ago. The agony of it is still very intense and seems to be getting stronger, not weaker. Thoughts of suicide, regret, remorse and guilt are eating us up. And yes, there was more that I/we could have done but we do know it was an accident. But not much relief knowing this. We want him back every waking second.

    The sickness in my heart and stomach is so great (all waking moments) is overwhelming. NOTHING brings relief, NOTHING makes us feel better. Lost 15 lbs, may have a heart attack (or feels like it).

    Everyone around me is going on with their little lives and my family is ruined beyond repair. He was not even an adult yet and we had many many years of parenting him that are now gone forever. We do have faith but honestly, it is little comfort. So many unsaid things, so many heartaches, so much love and time lost. We are both on the edge and don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Sorry all for being so negative here but this is the honest truth. We want to live but the pain is so strong we cannot take it anymore. We struggle thru each day and break down at home every night. Pacing, rocking, crying, agonizing. We DON’T want to feel like this but we do and again, NOTHING helps and no one can tell us how long this will last. 6 months?? 1 year? 3 years?? NEVER?

    No one can help with anything so we just suffer. Talking to others who have lost a child brings little relief. Some say you get better in time (if we live that long) some say it NEVER goes away which is a thought that terrifies us!

    Tried counseling and are still there, again not much help. The only thing we can think of is having our son walk thru the front door again, everything else is simply trivial.

    Anyone will real world help or advice for us out there? Again, sorry for the blunt truth but it is what it is and by the way, we are both professional, stable (or were) middle class people. Not just some crazy nut-jobs wasting time on the net.

    Thanks in advance.


    • Joe, you aren’t being negative, you are being truthful as you said. I can feel your pain from here, it is so clear in your message. It is so frustrating that there is not a pressure valve — that screaming or throwing plates or hitting someone won’t do anything really to relieve the tension because the only thing that would is having your son back. I hope you read the blog about the pain being very real, not in “your head” but in your entire body. In your brain. In your heart. And the stress literally can kill you. I can remember being so angry that the world just went on like nothing happened the day my son died. There were no flags at half mast. Only me at a florist trying to pick out a damned flower arrangement. Only me trying to hold it together for my other children. Only me, getting lots of worthless advice and platitudes. Only me, waiting for my son to walk through the door and make it all go away. I do understand. I alternately wanted to bash my head against a brick wall or give myself the gift of falling apart and being locked up somewhere, of of jumping off a cliff. The only thing holding me back during those times wasn’t necessarily my religion — (though I did believe God held Daniel in his heart at that point) — or my position as a parent, even (I thought anyone could do a better job of parenting the kids at that point because I was so sorrowful), but rather the thought of what it would do to Daniel, to think that his death caused mine. My hope that energy endures and has intelligence and awareness on another plane, that was all that honestly helped me. I didn’t chase psychics (I met many during a period where I wrote book reviews for and was asked to interview all the greats for that, which was an odd assignment thrown my way) but I did, on my own, feel the relief at believing in a fifth dimension. I am so sorry for the death of your son, for the agony you are going through. I can tell you that I feel like I am on the “other side” of the agony, as are many, many people I know and several I love who have gone through the death of a child. It is possible. There is no one magic bullet, only a coming to some mental way to deal with it that allows you to live again. Never as you lived before, Joe. But it is possible to laugh and to love on the other side of the death, as your son would have wanted for you. I let my memories of Daniel tug me over to that way of thinking — of knowing what he would have wanted for me, and that helped the most. My very best to you and your family as you work through this horrible time. It won’t get better but it will get “different” and different will be far easier than where you are now.

    • Joe, I remember wanting to know how long the intense, devastating pain would last too. It’s been 3 years now for us and I have learned that it takes a longer time than I imagined. The pain changes from day to day, month to month. Each of us has our own way of adapting to this pain.

      You are still in the early stage of this devastation. Please take each day as it comes, take each minute as it comes. Eventually you will see a glimmer of light, which may disappear but will return again.

      I wish I could answer with an exact time frame. Keep reaching out to other parents who have lost a child. We understand what this pain is like.

    • I know exactly how you feel Joe. I am soooooo sorry for your loss. I lost my 14 year old son in 2014 and it is still so hard. The pain is unlike anything I can describe. And it is impossible for others to understand, increasing the feeling of being alone in your pain. I have no magic words for you I’m sorry. All I can say is you are not alone.

    • Joe, Sorry for your lost
      I lost my only son 20 yo., 8 months ago.
      I’m feel exactly how you feel, not hope, not future.
      my son and I were alone, he was the reason to go to work every days, to make goals, we were a team, in my heart i had a lot of love for others, now is broke and empty.
      After his funeral, I closed my doors to everyone, just wanted to cry and stay with my memories. For four months, I didn’t eat and drink enough, my friends sent me to the hospital, and my kidneys failed for dehydration.
      I’m by my self, and i’m 50yo, I don’t want to go to dialysis, no reason to fight for my life. He always said, I’m here for you mommy, when you get older I will take care you.

      After, 8 months, I have not dream with him, I never see nothing unnatural, I don’t know, if I’m going to see him again. but at least I’will stop with this pain. some day,

      • Patricia, my heart goes out to you and I understand how you feel because I’ve felt the same way. I wish you dreams of your baby and signs from him to let you know you will see him again. There is simply nothing worse than what you are going through. Many hugs to you.

  143. Thank you all for responding to my listing last week. I see that some of you have been here for a long time, some only a few days. Things are changing for us daily and here are some “realities” that my wife and i have learned in the two months since we lost our son.

    I am going to be blunt and real so stop reading if you aren’t the kind of person who can handle it.

    1. A co-worker said something to me last week that actually did help and here it it.

    “What happened to you and your family is the worst Fu*%ing thing that can EVER happen to any parent and that’s all there is to it. You got the short end of the stick and simply got unlucky. I cant say or do anything other than that but say I’m sorry”

    This guy got it right!! It is the worst Fu*%ing thing that can ever happen to a parent and finally someone said what needed to be said. HE IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!! And believe it or not, made perfect sense to me.

    He didn’t say, that he is “in a better place” or “God needed another angel” and BS like that. He hit the nail right on the head. We got all got Fu*%ed!

    He had a stroke about 2 years ago and almost died himself (has mostly recovered but will never be the same as before) so he has some insight into grief and pain and SH*T happening that he didn’t ask for, is not welcome nor expected.

    As with a stroke, it is a LONG process getting better / over it (what ever is your favorite slogan) but HE and WE will NEVER be the same as before so we better all just try to accept it and try the best we can because WE are all still alive even with our children not being.

    ALL of us simply got unlucky and drew the short parent stick. Although I DO believe that GOD is still on this throne and in control, we all just got unlucky with our kids dying. No GOD did not Intervene to save our child (we may never know why or maybe some day may understand it all but today, we just don’t know why?) There was no near death experience like the books I’m sure all are reading. Why, I don’t have the answer. Wish i did.

    We did not ask for this to happen (what crazy idiot would ever do this?)

    We did not want this.

    We still do NOT want this.

    We would do anything to go back in time and reset the clock so this wouldn’t happen again.

    We would do things “differently” if we knew this would have happened (Hind site is 20/20 isn’t it??)

    We would do ANYTHING including giving up our most valuable possessions to have our children back. If the above doesn’t show us how much we LOVED our kids, what does? If GOD only loves me/you only a 100th of what I loved my son, he will surely welcome us into his grace and love in heaven someday to be with our kids again. Maybe, just maybe if there is a lesson in all of this, that is it.

    We (you, me everyone on this list) got a bum deal and need to try to do our best to try to live with it and get on with life. Oh easily said right? This is from a guy who sobs like a baby each morning (sometimes during the day at work) and at night. I wake up in severe PAIN every morning, am still losing weight and doing stuff I shouldn’t do to try to numb the pain which I’m now trying to manage. My loss is HUGE, just like you loss is. Again, we did not ask for this, this just happened to us.

    This all said, I have asked many many people for a time line of “getting better” and no one has a firm answer. The very best i have found is the 2/2/2 theory.

    2 initial weeks of Extreme Suffering (shock, disbelief, etc) followed by the same but add in the (guilt, regret, anger, shame, if I only’s, etc..) followed by 2 years of “recovery” until we get to our “new normal”.

    This is not a time line that will work for everyone and may be off by 1000% for some people. But from what i hear/read, should be a good base line in case you are searching for a time of recovery too as a new parent who recently lost their child. Even after this two years (or whatever), this will be with us FOREVER and will NEVER go away. And rightly so. We never want to forget our lost children. Parents who have been thru this say the pain numbs in time, so time, is our ONLY friend here and as you know, it goes real slowly these days. But on thing is true, time goes on and we will all be a year older, then 10 years older until its our time to die. Death after all is 100% guaranteed for all human beings. No escape from that.

    This is the hardest thing I have ever (EVER) had to do in my life and I wouldn’t wish this on any other person, ever!!

    Again, I’m only in this two months and I’m sure what i find out will radically change in coming weeks/months/years.

    I’m trying to eat and drink healthy foods, trying to walk, trying to stay alive because getting sick ourselves helps NO one and makes it worse. Please all try to do this with me as I care deeply about all on this list (and have read most if not all of your posts).

    We are unfortunately all in the same boat here. I’m trying to help you and your trying to help me.

    Thanks for listening.


    • Joe, I think you got it 100% right. And I think your comments will help many others. Thank you for sharing.

    • Joe, you’re right about “time” being the only thing that will make us feel better. It has been a little over three years since I lost my son. The pain started to be less after the first two years. Mother’s Day and his birthday seem to be the worst times for me. People really want to help, but I wish they wouldn’t wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. It just reminds me of what I have lost and will never have again – at least here on earth! I know that I will see him again in heaven, but right now that seems like a million years!!

    • Fantastic words Joe. I felt the same exact way. I used to get up and just focusing on waking and breathing. My daughter left behind a baby, so I woke for her. The situations may be slightly different but the ending is for the most part, the same. Pain, regrets, wondering etc. It’s been almost 2 years and I will say, I miss her just as much but I am finding my new normal. Reality is its better, minus of course not having my daughter, because I have learned to appreciate things around me so much more. Thank you for sharing. It did help me.


    • Thank you Joe. I just lost my amazing 18 yr old daughter in December and even though it was hard I went back to work in March and thought I was doing ok but Bam! The loss hit me again but on a different level. Morning are the worse. My brain doesn’t work the same either. It is like it is bruised and like any other bruise it needs to heal although I am wondering if it ever will. I was surprised the most by the physical pain. Yes it is real. Thanks again for sharing.

    • Joe, Everything you said is absolutely true. We and our child (children) never deserved this, wanted this, earned this, wished for this or any of a million other “reasons” that anyone could come up with and for us still living it, it is absolutely devastating and the worst thing experience for any parent. Knowing this doesn’t take away the incredible pain we feel, along side the incredible love we feel.for our child. Thank you for posting this latest post.

  144. Update from Joe:

    Since this is the place to be 100% honest, here it is:

    Its now been 3+ months since we have lost our only son and both my wife and I still cry daily (1 to 4 times) in pure agony and despair. The finality of the situation is crippling.

    Our quality of life is a zero. Nothing seems to matter to us anymore. Not money, not our house, not hobbies, not anything!! We have been to several groups of parent who have also lost children and although these are fantastic people, just being there is depressing and doesn’t seem to help much.

    We stopped going to one, the other we will probably stop soon. Talking does not bring back out son nor lessen our pain knowing others are going thru it too. Not trying to be rude, just the way we feel.

    Simply, they cant do anything to bring back our son, to lessen the misery and they are all suffering too looking for answers which there aren’t any.

    I am now drinking a lot. I have always been a social drinker but it has increased substantially sine this has happened. And guess what, it DOES help (at least for a while). Yes I know this is not the right thing to do but desperate people do desperate things. It is what it is.

    I feel tremendous guilt and regret for what happened. I am probably shouldering more than I should but I was the parent, it was MY job to keep my son safe and I failed miserably and there are no second changes, no re-dos, no mulligan’s, nothing but crying is left. We have lost all hope.

    I know they say that time heals slowly but I haven’t seen it yet. We are living pure HELL on earth and if it weren’t for our remaining daughter, I cant tell you what we might have/would still do.

    This said, we WANT to live. We WANT to be happy, we WANT contentment again. It simply isn’t coming nor are we trying to feel this way. It is just happening!

    And it ISNT a choice for us (at least not yet). Why would we choose to live and feel like this so please don’t tell me to make a choice to be happy. Been there, done that. Ain’t working.

    Not much else to say at this time.


    • Hi Joe, I am so very sorry and know exactly how you feel. I’m sorry but it is WAY too soon to feel better. It took me 3 years to have any functional life at all and it still hurts. I understand about the drinking too as I did something (not drinking) but something else that helped me a lot to get through this worse time. I don’t see anything wrong with this.
      What do you have to live for? Well, for me it was my other son. I could not have stayed on this earth had I not had him to take care of. It is the worst pain you will ever feel and a complete change in your life, your plans, your everything. You obviously loved your son so very much and my heart goes out to you and everything you wrote was precisely the reality of how it is. It sucks; it is like being tortured every minute. Your devastating pain is the measure of how very much you loved this beautiful child. If you didn’t love him so much, it wouldn’t be so difficult to get through. After 6 months I found a site,, that saved me. I could just write and get responses from our group. It is run by a licensed psychologist and she is great. In fact she gave me individual therapy over the phone for a couple of years, but I, of course, had to pay for it. But it was so nice because the therapists I found in my area just didn’t understand and kept pushing me to get better and making me feel I was a failure.
      This is a SACRED time in your life. You must be treated gently and, as much as possible, pamper yourselves. Put no expectations on yourselves and just go with the pain. Sleep a lot, watch movies, read, and please drink lots of water and force yourself to eat.
      I lost my 23 year old son, Matt, to a drug overdose, and it was only 6 months after he came back from Iraq. (ptsd) I loved him and still do more than my own life and just longed to be with him, to know where he was, to find answers. I still search but I do feel that he is okay. I really believe he is okay and safe and loved. I also believe that we will be together again when I die, though I’m not religious.
      My heart breaks for you and for him and for your wife and daughter. May you find the peace you are seeking. Sending love and hugs your way.

    • Hi Joe,
      I know the agony you and your wife are going through. It’s been 3 years since my husband and I lost our daughter, Allie. I too shoulder a tremendous amount of guilt as I was the parent “watching over” her and her brother while they were sledding. The 1st time she came down the hill she said she went so fast that she thought she was going to be killed. I should have told her to stop sledding. But I didn’t. She went back up a 2nd time and then she slid over the rocks and died of internal bleeding from a torn liver and spleen.
      I have a son, and I know he needs me, but I honestly know I’d rather be with Allie, my daughter. And, I too know that Hell does exist- just not in some abstract version of Dante’s Inferno. It exists here on Earth. We parents exist in this never ending agony of emotional and physical pain.

      I have been able to continue existing only by taking medication to keep me from slipping into an even greater depression. I also see a therapist. I quit working- but I’ve started a business to continue what Allie wanted to do. She was a vegan who cared deeply for all of Earth’s creatures – she also cared for the environment and wanted to do something to help slow down global warming. She also loved to bake. So I’ve started a small vegan organic refrigerated cookie dough. She had such a strong entrepreneurial spirit, so it feels good to work towards her dream. We have our first farmers market this coming weekend.
      I also have read a lot of books about how our spirit continues to exist after our body dies. I know not everyone believes in this, but this along with the cookie dough business are what keep me motivated to continue living. Especially since I now know I will get to be with her again when my body dies.

      I hope you and your wife find a positive way to process your pain. And please continue to write here to let us all know how you are doing. We all are here to support one another along this tragic journey.

    • Joe,when I read your comment, it made me so sad because I felt exactly the same way after my only child died. Three months is a very short time after losing a child. In the beginning, the grief seems unbearable, but it does get better over time. I also drank in the beginning. I had a drink every night to fall asleep, and when I woke up, I had another to get back to sleep. I was also drinking during the day. Before my son died, I never drank during the day. I felt guilty that I was drinking too much, but I realized I had to do it until I was able to deal with the pain. No one on this site can make you feel better
      but it helps to be able to open up and let your feelings out. Sometimes, it’s easier to talk to strangers because you can say things to them that you might be hesitant to say to family or friends. When a child dies most parents feel regret and guilt. Even if their children were adults. Even though our children are grown, we still feel that we should have protected them. What you are feeling is normal. I don’t believe that time heals all wounds. Time doesn’t heal, but it makes the pain less painful. It has been three years since my son Matthew passed away. Sometimes, it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like a long time ago. Though it seems unbearable at times, you must hold things together for your daughter. In the beginning, I wanted to die all the time, and I was miserable. But, one day I realized that Matthew would be very sad if he knew what I was doing to myself. I knew that he would want me to be happy. I haven’t been happy, but I have gotten to the point that I can actually live again. There are days that I actually laugh out loud! The clouds always return, but I manage to push them aside and let the sun shine through. I refuse to be miserable all the time, and I know that I will see my child again one day. Just remember Joe, this isn’t a magical place that you can come to make you feel better – it’s a place you can come to and say what’s on your mind and know that you won’t be judged.

  145. Hi Joe
    I am so sorry that you have this path to tread I have no words of comfort there are none .
    Be gentle with yourselves you have suffered a grevious blow it’s too soon to think of anything else .
    Just survive .

  146. Marie
    The anverisary of my sons death is august 19th he will be gone a year he was 28 has 2 beautiful daughters as the date approaches i feel a terrible sense of dread i cant process the idea that last July i was a different person my whole world was different. This has been a difficult and lonely journey some days im right back in hospital room asking God to take me instead of him. I have other sons and grandchildren i carry on for them the loss is so deep i think im doing better and then some days im not. My heart goes out to all parents who have had to deal with losing a child

    • The first anniversary of my son’s death was VERY difficult for me. I felt that I should have reached some sense of peace by then, but instead, found all the memories of my sorrow crashing down on me once more (He was 13 when he died here at home). As it turns out, there was no time frame for my gradual recovery. I had 3 other kids depending on me and had to go on. It has now been 5 years. I will never “Get over” his death, the best I can do is to “Get through it”. Time has brought me some peace (Something drugs, alcohol and counseling did not). There is no quick fix to losing a part of your heart. I have lost my parents, my wife (Died in my arms at the age of 26) and now a son. Losing my child has been the hardest. Daddy is supposed to always make things ok. Instead, I found myself to be only a helpless human who could only do the best he could (Which wasn’t good enough). I am now able to finally look back on my son’s life and smile from time to time. Though his path through life was short, I am so glad I got to walk it with him. As expressed so well by Marie, my heart goes out to all of you. I wish none of you ever had to deal with what we all here are dealing with. The loss of a loved child.

      • Richard
        Thank u so much for your kind words of support they came at a time when i really needed to hear from someone who understands the depth of our loss. My heart goes out to you to lose ur wife so young and then ur beloved son. I lost my dad at a young age my mother has since passed &in the last few yrs lost close friends my closest shortly before my son why some people seem to suffer more tragedy in life than others i do not understand but i still have my sons and grandchildren its difficult tho the effects of a out of order death has devasting effects thru the whole family. Thank you hearing from people like you helps because most don’t understand the depths of our pain. I do try to think about the fact that others have had worst situations than i. I appreciate you taking the time to reply i wish you peace and again im so sorry for the loss of your wife&son. Thank you so much it means a lot to me.

  147. Another sad disappointing day for me .
    Added to the pain of losing my son I have to endure the constant rudeness of his widow. I was supposed to have my DIL and granddaughter for lunch today Sunday but once again they didn’t show. my DIL won’t answer the phone so impossible to make any arrangements and if by some miracle she does she just doesn’t turn up. My grandaughter is nothing like my son not in looks or behaviour but she is my sons child and I want to help her but what can I do ? How can you deal with someone who a doesn’t answer any messages or makes an arrangement and doesn’t turn up .
    My mannerly beautiful son is gone and all I have left of him is this child that I have next to no contact and this rude cold woman .
    My other two sons have more or less given up they have tried done their best and got the same treatment . As one said today in response to kindness and concern they get nothing .
    My sons child is growing up badly and we can do nothing .

    • Kathy,i am so sorry for the loss of your son i wish i had answer for you except to tell you not to give up someday when your granddaughter is older she will know how much you loved her and wanted to be there for you it is unbelievable to me that after losing her dad her mom would want to cut her off from her connection to her dad and the love of his family that his daughter needs now more than ever. My son died last august i still feel like many of the people in his life could only relate to the pain of the mother of his children his fiance and not to mine his mother because he was 28 &somehow they think it was less painful to me. I have kind of opposite problem my son had 2 daughters 3&5 their mom got lost in her own grief &into some unhealthy ways of dealing with his death that emotionally she wasn’t there for the girls now his eldest is so insecure she stays with me most of the time. I guess if u havent experienced what we have no one understands how the death can shatter a family and a lot of the time the depth of our pain is not understood when its a adult child dies. You are doing the right thing and i cant imagine how terrible it is to be denied time with ur sons child on top of his death. I pray that someway ur daughter in law will wake up and see she is just hurting her child&do the right thing. My heart goes out to you it is a lonely journey and i hope that she will do the right thing for the sake of all.

  148. Last year on this date my son checked himself into the hospital walking&talking he had Addison disease &was recently diagnosed with diabetes. He knew his sodium was low&he needed medical attention last yr at this time i stood in hospital room questioning a nurse about his symptoms why was he vomiting his meds why couldn’t he catch his breath, my son suffered from extreme anxiety&i was told i was feeding into his anxiety making him sicker that his sodium was low that he would be fine home in a day or two instead 2days later he was dead as a result of acidosis. I had his permission to be told his medical info but i didn’t even know what was going on until i went to funeral director &saw what he had died from all i was told was all his levels were off and they couldn’t stabilize him. How i wished i could go back in time i don’t know if it would of made a difference but i will never forget how he suffered i miss him so much.

    • Marie, my heart breaks for you. Only a year ago and so much suffering.the one year mark was so hard for me. For some reason, others felt that I should have reached a magical milestone and be over the loss of my son. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. The weight of guilt I felt at not saving him just came crashing down.

      I am especially sorry to hear that your son suffered. As a parent., we want so much to protect them from all pain and suffering. Please hang in there Marie. This was not your fault (Though if you are anything like me, the guilt is crushing).

      It took me way more than a year before I was finally able to look back on my son’s life and not cry. Going on 6 years since he died suddenly here at home (He just turned 13, fell and hit his head on the sink and died), I can finally look back on his life and smile from time to time. I tried everything (Alcohol, pharmaceuticals, counseling, etc.), but nothing but time seemed to help. After a year, friends and family seemed to feel that I should have been over it. I will NEVER be over it. The best I could do is get through it. Please hang in there Marie and know you are not alone. Only someone who has lost a child can even begin to understand the pain. We do and are here for you.

      • Richard,thank u and im so sorry for ur loss i can feel the pain and anguish u feel when u speak of your son my heart breaks for u no one should have to go through this. You are right the guilt is crashing in i received my last texts from him at this time last year he wasn’t holding down his meds i didn’t go back he was adult in icu i trusted what the nurses said i thought he was just having increased anxiety yes i questioned it but i accepted their answers now my brain is screaming you should of gone back made them call in the dr who didn’t bother to do nothing but phone it in til late the next day when i did ask for him to be transferred to better hospital but they told me he might die before he got there and i didnt want him to die alone. Thank u for u words it means alot to me that people take the time to offer support and again im sorry that u understand so well because of the loss of your son.

  149. Its been a little over a year since my son died& i still struggle to keep going why should i live ? I can only say i live because i do not want my other sons to be hurt anymore& i live because of my other grandchildren es his,their mother also lost her mother after my son died & between both deaths she had such a hard time trying to deal with her pain&be their for the girls 3&5 &a 8 yr old who was a baby when her&my son started their relationship. So now i feel a obligation to live because i don’t know what would happen if i were gone. Im not trying to say im doing anytime more or special that any other gramma wouldn’t do i just know how bad things got after they lost their dad& if i didn’t step in i don’t know what would of happened as she has very little family support &wasn’t handling things well. I am tired tho tired of well meaning people telling me how strong i am etc i don’t feel strong im anxious worry all the time there are days i want to stay in bed days that i wish that it was me who died instead of my best friend who died a couple of months before my son it would of made more sense&of course i wish it was me &not my son who died. So probably this is normal for people who have to walk this path for everyone who is on this site but i remember days before this when I would get up early because it was going to be a beautiful summer day &why waste a day…now i wake up &think im still here&my son is still gone&i wish i didnt wake up then i feel guilty for thking such things because it would cause my family more pain. I know there a people whos story are more difficult than mine i try to remember that &be grateful &not be bitter i don’t want to be a person who noone wants to be around because im bitter or sad all the time but my pain is still the same as the day he died&ill never be the sane or over it. I read the posts on this site&cry u can hear the pain in the words how do you go on &experience some happiness&joy? Thinking of all bereaved parents out there how do you live with a broken heart?

    • Hi Marie,
      I’m so so so sorry for the never ending pain you and the rest of us on this site must endure. How do we live with a broken heart? I asked this same question 3 years and 8 months ago at the service for my 17 year old daughter Allie, This is what I have come up with:
      First, like you, I have to remain here for my only other child who is now 17 years old. He and my daughter were close and I couldn’t stand the idea of causing him even more pain by leaving another black hole in his world. Second, I have started a small business in her honor. She was vegan and wanted to save the animals, people and planet. Additionally, she was an entrepaneur and always wanted to start a food basedbusiness as she also loved to bake. So, my husband and I are developing a vegan, organic, fair-trade cookie dough. Finally, I go to therapy twice a month and take medicationnfor depression. I was diagnosed with PTSD initially and was admitted 2 times to the psych ward -I don’t think I’ll ever stop the meds, at least not in the near future.I read a lot about life after death, it’s one of the few things that will calm me down when things get tough- knowing that I will see her again some day- hopefully sooner rather than later.
      If you don’t have a therapist, try to find one. My insurance pays for the service except for the co-pay. Also, there are free group meetings. Compassionate Friends and Friendsway. Compassionate Friendsis for parents of passed children and Friendsway is for families who have lost a member. This was very helpful for my son and husband. Adults are in one room and the children are put into different groups depending on their age. The kids do a lot of art therapy projects. Your grand children might benefit from this organization. There are chapters for both of these groups all over the US.
      Now that almost 4 years have passed, I can honestly say that the pain is still here in my heart, but it has changed, allowing me to become functional again. My sadness comes in waves and I know it will remain with me forever. In a way, I don’t want the pain to ever stop because if it did, it might mean I am no longer thinking of her- so, I live with bittersweet pain and love for my Allie, forever.

      • Elizabeth., i am so sorry about the lost of your beautiful daughter and thx u for taking the time to answer me i was having such a bad day and it helped more than you know. I too am on anti depressant &dr told me that i am suffering fr ptsd because when i think of my son jordan i can only see him in that hospital room where he had suffered so much i am working on trying to remember happier times. I love animals too what a good idea i have a soft spot for anyone who shates a love of animals. Your daughter obviously was a sensitive soul. Haven’t been able to bring myself to do group thing it was only a month ago almost a yr before i realized my son wouldn’t want his death to destroy me seems like it should be obvious but i still struggle with guilt about alot of things es things that happened in hospital. Thank you its hard to understand still why these things hapoen to a beautiful girl who loved animals i thank you its only others who have lost a child that bring me comfort and understand i appreciate it so much. Please feel free to let me no about your work u r doing in her name &thank u it was a hard day i needed to hear from someone who understands agn im sorry for your loss.

      • i am so sorry for everyone’s loss – i lost my only daughter within 3 days of diagnosis – life is so cruel – she loved animals too – and her loss breaks my heart every day and i struggle to want to go on too – so very fragile in a horrible world so filled with hate and torture and cruelty – godspeed to all of our babes – they are in a better place indeed – i just wish the method of them going there were different…i hope to join them…………sigh

      • Jan, i understand how you feel why do people who do horrible things live a long life well into old age i am so sorry for your loss it like a part of died my son checked into hospital walking and talking two days later he was dead my heart goes out to you. I will never understand & never be the same. It doesn’t seem fair everyone i no can pick up a phone talk to their child. Again i am so sorry for all of us on this journey somedays are just unbearable.

      • Joe, when you said, “I still believe in God, but have lost much faith”, it really hit home! I also felt the same way. When you lose the most important person in your life, it effects your faith. I know there’s a God, but I’m hesitant to ask him for anything for myself. I will ask God to do things for others, but I don’t ask him to do anything for me. Before my Matthew died, I had more faith. When I asked God to please heal my child – he didn’t, so somehow I didn’t feel worthy. I think that when we lose our children, we are forever changed. We as parents can understand most things that happen in our lives, but not the loss of our precious children! Sometimes, I find myself being cold and uncaring in situations where I once showed concern and sympathy. I often have to pause and realize that I don’t really want to be that kind of person. I try to live my life as though Matthew is watching. And I try to make him proud. Joe, be patient with your wife. Until she can find a way to lessen her pain, she probably feels she can’t be there for you the way you need her to be there! You both are psychologically broken. It’s really similar to a major illness. When people have a major illness, they are very sick in the beginning until they find relief with pain management etc. With much care and medication they eventually get better. There was a time that I said the same thing you did about leaving this site. I left for awhile, and then I returned so I could help others. You don’t realize it now, but down the road you could be of comfort to other grieving parents. If you don’t return to this site, I wish you peace. But if your feel the need to talk to us, we are always here. No body will understand your pain the way we do!

      • The posting about faith really hit home for me i was standing in hospital room looking out the window begging God to take me not my son begging for him to live..i even heard my sister in law telling someone the next she was unsure what she believed after she saw a mother begging God to save her son. I still dont know anymore it depends on the day the minute but i too pray for others but i do not ask anything for myself. I will say that when we were gathered around his hospital bed we were asking him to fight to stay with us he shook his head no it broke my heart but he had suffered so much in life& at the end especially so i guess it wasnt God he chose he could not bear the pain so as much as it hurts me i try to think of that. Everyone on here has been supportive i am grateful for all who in their own grief reach out to help others thankful for this site.

    • Marie, a year is a short time after losing a child. You have to give yourself more time before you will start to function without daily pain. It took me at least three years to be able to live again. How do you mend a broken heart? You don’t – you just patch it from time to time as needed. I’m glad you have other children and grandchildren. My Matthew was an only child. When he died, I felt like I lost my past, my present, and my future. Who do I hand my photos down to, and who do I pass my family ancestry down to? I found that no matter the situation – no matter if it’s an only child or one of many children, the pain is just as deep. My husband and I have learned how to live again. It wasn’t easy and we didn’t necessary want to continue, but we knew that we had to do it for Matthew. I pray that you find peace somehow!!

      • Patty,thank you for your kind words i am so sorry for the loss of your son matthew i often think about people who have lost all their children or their only child and my heart goes out to you but you are right pain is pain& someone told me that if i dobt deal with my sons death and allow myself to grieve my other sons are going to say the day they lost their brother they lost their mom too. I dont want that its people like you that give me hope to move forward thank you whenever i hear from people who have lost so much and take the time to reach out to me its a comfort. Again im sorry i know you long to see ur son as much as i long to see mine. I am so sorry that parents have to deal with such pain. I hope you realize how much you taking the time to answer means to me.

    • Jody, thanks for sharing. The pain those of us on this site have experienced in no way diminishes the pain YOU are going through. Each of us here have had to deal with our pain the best we can. It would have been easier, and less painful if I had died instead of my son. I also found myself going through the motions of life because I also had other kids depending on me (And I hate to admit that I found myself resenting this from time to time). For years, I didn’t “Live”, I simply went through the motions. I hope someday you will find some peace (Like I have). For me, I never “Got over it”, I simply “Got through it”. I can finally say after years, I can finally look back on my son’s life and sometimes smile (Not just cry). If you read my posts over the years, you will see that this was not an easy process. For me, there was no quick fix. I hope you willl find the strength to go on. If your son was like mine, I believe he would want that. I remind myself that though my son’s path through life was short, I’m glad I got to walk it with him. My heart goes out to you Jody. Please hang in there. As you can see on this site, you are not alone.

      • Sorry Marie, I meant this post for you. As others say, 1 year is way too short. In fact, for me, I found it very hard. It was as if others thought it would be some magical milestone and I would be all better. I could not have been further from the truth. Thank you for sharing and know we are here for you.

      • Richard, you have always responded in my worst times at my lowest points i hope you know how much i appreciate it es since you are still dealing with your own loss ur right year is not much time sometimes it feels like yesterday but forever since i saw my son. Thank you for your support i wish you peace and whatever joy &happiness we can experience as we carry our pain. Thanks so sorry for why you understand so well its a place no one wants to be

  150. Update from Joe:

    Its now been over 5 months since I lost my only teenage son. I have stopped reading books on the afterlife, stopped going to websites daily, stopped going to group counseling. Basically, tried to stop dwelling on death everyday even though its with me every second of every waking moment. As a poster recently posted, NOTHING helps the pain but time so any new parents who have lost children, save your time and money. Nothing works but time and that’s still debatable.

    My wife and I still cry daily (sometimes whaling) but it is changing. We are now over the initial shock and now realize that our son is never coming home again. Our pleading out to GOD before and after we lost our son proved fruitless. I still believe in GOD however I have lost much faith. The finality of the situation is crippling. We are doing the “best we can” given the circumstances.

    We are not the same as we have been prior to this, its like we are living in someone else’s body or seeing life as a movie rather than being in it. Our marriage is strained. She does not want to be intimate with me (men will understand how painful this is to a man) so our sex life is at zero. Not much to look forward to these days in that dept. I get up, go to work, do the normal things but nothing brings me joy. Sure there are fleeting moments where everything is ok then my brain takes over and it all comes crashing down on me again. It is not a choice, it is just happening regardless of what i do.

    Drinks after work and on the weekend helps numb the pain however that can and does cause its own set of problems. As you know, the pain and terror is constant, at least it is for me. Its like I got robbed and beaten, then for good measure they also stabbed me, then as a final hoohah, they shot me as well just to be sure. We want to be dead too (not just saying this for effect, we really wish we were dead). It is what it is. It just keeps coming and coming with out end.

    This will be my last post (no I’m not going to jump off a bridge). I just cant dwell anymore like i said.

    I want to thank all of you for listening and I wish this never had happened to any of us, mostly me. I will try to survive this horrible event. Only time will tell.

    Love to you all as you are the only ones who understand.


    • Well put Joe. Unfortunately, my experience was much like yours. I feel like a failure as a dad (Isn’t a dad supposed to be able to fix anything?). I tried everything (Alcohol, counseling, drugs, etc.). My wife also retreated in pain (I can’t blame her because I did the same). I hate to say, but for me, only time seemed to help (You can see my posts over the years). I could not find any quick fixes. After years of pain, I can finally find enough peace to remember my 13yr old son and smile from time to time. I hope you too will eventually find peace.

  151. I just want to thank everyone on this site who has responded to me with care and compassion when my son died i didn’t know if i was going to make it some days i still dont but im thankful for all of you who have shown me support es now with the holiday we are all missing someone and its hard es when others dont acknowledge that our families are feeling their absence. Peace to all of ypu and thanks to all of you who have answered when im at my lowest.

    • I feel the same way Marie. I think this grieving site has done more to help me than anything else. I’m glad that we have a place to come when the pain gets too much for us. Those of us that have been on this site for some time need to be there for those that desperately need us. In a situation such as ours, we are our brothers keepers! I also appreciate all the kind and helpful comments coming from others. I will pray that God has helped others as he has helped me! God bless each and every one of you with peace because peace is what we need the most!

      • Patty,i agree and its only a little over a year since my son died everyone else has moved on some even happy to see us “better “whatever that means….but only people who have been thru it no we will never be better and never be the same that the only thing were better at is hiding our pain. God bless you i feel the same we may not know each other but we understand each others pain and heartache than people we know.

  152. My son was born August 27/1981 and died April 27/2016. I want to die.

    • So sorry Geri, It is the worst loss any human can go through and my heart goes out to you. May you find some kind of peace somehow. Sending big hugs

    • Geri, i am so sorry about the loss of your son my heart goes out to you. My son was born june 30 1987 &died august 19 2015 i wanted to die with him. Every morning for months id wake up &be mad because I didn’t die in my sleep there are still days i feel like that alot of days i feel like I have a obligation to live for my other sons his children &my other grand children. I wish there was something I could say or do to help you with your pain i used to like everyone else see on tv or hear of someone who had lost a child & would think how horrible for them i did not have a CLUE how devastating it really was how deep the depths of pain&how lonely the journey how others would not understand it took me almost a year to realize that Jordan wouldn’t want his death to destroy me. Now that after a yrs and a few months im trying to find a way to tell my sons story i do not know how yet as im just beginning to be able to focus but he suffered alot of injustice in this life& got very poor medical care i feel horribly guilty &i want to do something to honor his death&help others. There are people on this site& others who understand and will be here for you if you want to talk or talk about your son please i and others are here to listen. The one thing that bothered me&still does is peoples avoidance of saying his name or talking about him its like he never existed like killing him all over. Please feel free to reach out to me or others who have been thru this horrible journey tell your story i am hear to listen it helps. I miss my son everyday i feel your pain my heart goes out to you my broken heart just like yours. Marie

    • My son was born on 9.9.71. and died from cancer on 30.04.2016. I wonder every day how I am still alive.
      You are in my thoughts Geri.

      • My son was born on june 30 1987 he died august 19 2015 part of me died with him, i remain here because i do not want to cause the rest of my family more pain….my heart is with the rest of the broken hearted parents out there.

  153. I am saying hello and sending prayers to everyone here – I lost my only daughter just a year ago and I struggle every day to stay alive because I don’t want to be here anymore without her – thoughts and prayers to us all who struggle with these feelings every morning and evening

    • Jan,its been a yr and 2mos since i lost my son. My heart goes out to you, he left 2 daughters i have other grandchildren &his brothers but somedays i feel i live because im obligated to not because i want to be here but i also it took along time for me to realize that my son would not want his death to destroy me. I have my days my health has suffered somedays i feel like you but im trying. Im even trying to figure out somethings i can do to help others deal with issues that i went through things i went through with my son. I miss him so much i want to believe that i will see him again but i still struggle with that. All i can say is that ive received alot of love& support online from others on our journey this lonely painful journey. Family & friends don’t get it some fade away or act like your child never existed. If you want to talk im here alot of people there are other online sites too. Thinking of you your not alone so sorry for the devastating loss of your daughter. Marie

    • Jan and Marie, I am so sorry you have both lost your loved ones. Today marks exactly 6 years since my 13yr old son died here suddenly at home (Hit his head on a bathroom sink and died. My wife and son found him and I was not able to resuscitate him. I failed).

      Jan, it has only been a year for you. Marie, just over 2. Both of you are at a point that was still very raw for me. If you read my earlier posts, you will see that I said I would never “Get Over” the loss of my son. I have not. The best I have been able to do is to “Get through it”.

      Jan, I hope you have others that can give you the strength to hold on. I resented the fact that I had other kids that relied on me. However, they gave me the strength to keep going. I know my son would have been very disappointed in me if I gave up. I am sure your daughter wants you to live. After all, as long as you live, she lives within you.

      My one year mark was very difficult. It seemed that many felt that landmark would suddenly make me better. I am sorry to say that it did not. I was not that strong.

      In fact, it took me years to finally reach some level of peace. I am now finally able to look back on my son’s life and smile. Once again, my memories of him bring me joy. Though his path through life was short, I am so glad that I got to walk it with him.

      Jan/Marie, please hang in there. Our children will always be a part of us. Let’s keep their memories alive. Though we always thought they would be our legacy, we are theirs instean. Please give yourself a chance to find the strength and make them proud. It is not easy.

      I am sure we will see them again.

      Love to all,


      • I found my son as well (and failed). I actually counted the months, as of Oct – My son passed the day before his 22 birthday. I read all of this post and can related to a part of each journey. I have heard some parents say, “people ask if I have other children?” I have another son. He doesn’t replace Jake but I have to admit, its my saving grace. When I thought/think of not wanting to be here, I think of him – I try to put that energy toward my surviving son. I have a friend who lost her son about 7 years ago, shes doing OK and gave advise for me to my niece. I think of her often and wonder, what she found to keep her here. I have to admit, my heart breaks twice when I hear someone lost their only child. You definitely have to be stronger I imagine. I could never begin to say I understand. I don’t believe anyone could ever understand fully another parents pain through this.

        I think I read these words on this site when my own journey began, “just step back for now”. I told myself that everyday I think. “Just for today” Every second after you learn of your child’s death is slow-fully painful, but I can’t believe that its already 15 months. Jake’s friends, cousins are having baby’s and all I can do is think of what he is missing.

        I at one point realized that most of my thinking/actions, grief were for me. I started to worry about Mitchell, my living son who was only 19 and only a year in his military assignment. He was alone, dealing with all of this. So I started a group for awhile for siblings “the forgotten” mourners. What Im trying to say, is anything that makes you get through, do it! But make sure you rest, I got myself in trouble trying to do too much. (that was my wake up call)

        At this point, I would love to help unfortunate new bereaved parents anyway I can . I’m still to sure how but Im going to keep trying. Hang in everyone! XOXO

      • Arlene, i am so sorry about the loss for your don Jake i too have other sons &you are right they do not replace the son that died &i also feel especially bad for those who lost their only child. I have gone thru many of same things as you health issues sleep issues& watched my other sons suffer as they tried to cope with their brothers death. I admire what you are doing because they are often forgotten in the whole journey. A out of order death i think sets a bomb off in the middle of the family so many issues of loss &guilt its so hard and people who haven’t been thru it it do not understand that its hard to be there for each other because we are all literally loss in our own grief just trying to put one foot in front of other. As i have sd i always felt horrible when i say people on tv or heard of someone who had lost a child but did i understand No i don’t know if anyone understands the devastating effects on a family or the depth of a mothers pain we will never be the same our families will never be the same. Take care and peace be with you agn im so sorry for the loss of your son Jake. Marie

    • Jan I too understand. It has been a year yet since my daughter died. Dec 2 is coming up very fast and all I can think about is watching her take her last breath. I went back to work a few months later and ended up breaking down at work a few months after that. She had been sick for a long time but it was still unexpected . I thought we would have more time. She was so tiny for 18 yrs old but a real fighter. I just want to hold her again and hear her laugh. I miss her so much. No one understands how hard it is. I lost my mother a few months ago too. Sometimes I just don’t know if I can go on. One day at a time…..

      • Sandra,i am so sorry for the loss of your daughter and for all the other broken hearted moms. My son also was sick but wasn’t supposed to die. A year and 2mos ago he checked himself into hospital walking& talking and 2 days later he was dead. I too watched him suffer &take his last breath i feel so guilty and still struggle with trying to go on in a world without him i miss him so much! Im so sorry for anyone out there that has to deal with this heartbreak. I also lost my bf couple months before my son my mom is gone and like many other people feel very much alone some days. Just wanted to let you know im thinking of you and other moms&dads out there!

  154. Thank you Marie for responding XO

    • yes thanks to everyone who writes – i would not be here without you

  155. I always have a hard time, I mean I cringe, when I over hear people say “you should be happy you are alive”. I think to myself, “how can I be happy to be alive when everyday I wake up, I’m faced with my son not being here, seeing his face, hearing his voice…My son died suddenly 5 years ago at age 19. He was my only child. There wasn’t an illness, he died in his sleep. The last thing we said to each other was “love you, good night”. Everyday is a constant struggle to live!

    • Paula, you and I belong to a very different club that we never wanted to join – loss of only children! I know that the death of a child is as deep whether you have numerous children or just one child, but mother’s of only children that die have extra pain to deal with. We placed all our hopes and dreams in that one child. We have no one to pass down the pictures and family treasures! We really lose our future when they die! I have a niece and nephew and great-nieces and great-nephews, but it’s just not the same as passing my things down to my child. Sometimes, I look around my house and wonder what I should start to get rid of because it gets so overwhelming. No one in my family will treasure the pictures of my wonderful son. I kept some of his baby things packed neatly in a box, so he could pass them down to his son if he had one, but unfortunately, he never did have a child. I have his first pair of walking shoes, a few of his favorite outfits, and his cuddle toy. My husband is wonderful, and I know the pain for him is just as bad – just different than a mother’s loss. It has been three years; but sometimes, it seems like yesterday. The grace of God has helped me to go on; but at the same time, I won’t be disappointed when my time comes to leave this world. I pray for each and every one that has had to suffer the loss of a child!

  156. I feel it too. I failed my child. Many people failed her but I’m the only one feeling it. I’m dying inside I’m just taking it now.

  157. @Emanu- if you have lost a son or daughter, if so, I truly am sorry for the pain you have. If you have not lost a child- you have no right to express your opinions here. This site, sadly, is a private club for parents who have, are, and always will, endure the indescribable pain of loss of their child. This is not just another platform for proselytizing.

  158. I am back on here today it’s where I come when I feel so down and sad in this pit of grief that doesn’t go away . I think it’s Christmas I hate it . I have no joy in my heart for anything . Yes I feel sorry for myself but more sorry for my beautiful son who is dead while I live or rather drag out my life in an aimless useless way .
    The sickening sense of loss and sadness that greets me every morning when I awake makes me wish I never would.
    Sorry kind people .

    • Im so sorry understand i try to get in the spirit for the rest of my family &i hate that along with my son the holiday seems lost to me know. I remember last yr it was only 4mos after my son had died people at least in my head expected alot from me there was very little understanding of what i was going through. Shopping was just unbearable the happy faces of others was too much for me every time someone smiled &sd merry Christmas i wanted to die&i felt bad for feeling that way. I watched an old movie the other day &in it someone was wearing the arm band showing that they were in mourning, i thought in a way some of those traditions were useful not for pity but just a hint to others to give me some space that christmas to me wasn’t merry it was just a painful reminder that my son was gone forever. I wish i could be of more help to anyone but its hard because there is nothing that can fix this it took me a year to realize my son wouldn’t want his death to destroy me. I used to love christmas with all its decor it makes me sad that i don’t anymore, i just put a half hearted attempt into it for the sake of the grandkids. My hearts goes out to you i know how it is to live with a broken heart.

      • @mariepaul- Sadly, I too understand what you are feeling. This coming January 2nd will be 4years since my 17 year old daughter passed away. The last 3 years we didn’t do any decorating, but we did buy gifts for our remaining son. My son is now 17 and getting ready to go away for college. So I relented and bought a Christmas tree so he can have at least one good memory of the holidays before he leaves. Additionally, I no longer shop at malls or big stores. The memories of shopping with my daughter are too much, especially with everything so “cheerful” and the Christmas music everywhere. I only shop online and small shops now.
        I like the idea bringing back the armband. I think people might be more sensitive to us.
        I’ll be checking in on this site quite a bit over the next few weeks as it’s helpful to read of other journies down this long difficult path.

      • Kathy, Marie and Elizabeth. I am so sorry all of you are once again, going through another Christmas after your loss. I too have had to go through this (Read my earlier blogs and you will also see that I too wished I had died, etc.). My 13yr old son died here at home late October 2010. It has now been over 6 years and I am finally reaching a point of peace where I can look back on my life with my son and actually smile from time to time (Though I am in tears now). The arm band is a great idea. We need time to heal (Though we never heal completely. The scar remains). When my son first died, I found myself leaving a store as soon as I saw another child. I couldn’t bear it!!! After 1 year, folks seemed to think I would be ok. Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way. There is no quick fix. The pain can be overwhelming. No drugs, alcohol, etc. can make the pain go away. I couldn’t get over it. The best I could do (Which I had to for my youngest daughter), was to get through it. The holidays are/were the worst. They were to be our legacy. Instead, we are theirs. I hope all of you will some day find some peace and hope you can once again be able to remember your child with a smile. Sad. Love to all and please, hang in there!

    • I also have a hard time enjoying Christmas! This time of year brings back so many memories of our child that we have lost. I went to the mall a few days ago, and I couldn’t enjoy it because there seemed to be so many things there that reminded me of my Matthew. The last Christmas that he was alive he gave me a Christmas music box that plays music. I played it for a long time, and it gave me some peace. We want to desperately remember our experiences with our children, but at the same time We try to push the memories aside because of the pain! If we remember the good times, we also have to remember the bad times – such as watching them slip away in the hospital bed etc. When I get really depressed, I have to remind myself that my son is looking down on me, so I have to be strong. I pray that God will give all of you the strength to make it through another Christmas holiday.

  159. My son Matt just loved Christmas. His eyes would light up and he believed so strongly in Santa Claus. Oh how I miss him when he was little and also as a man. He was such a kind and good man. Merry Christmas my baby. My dream is to be with you again one fine day. Love you Matt.

  160. I feel the same I watch my child for every day it kills me I break down every day all I want to do is go sleep and never wake up again but people keep telling me I have another son! I know I have another son but my oldest is my world my soul mate my everything he’s. The reasons I breath everyday I can’t imagen what ur going thru but all I can say is I watch my child did and suffer everyday I hate life o don’t see the point any more of I need to chat let me no xx

    • My son died on aug 19 2015 i too watched him suffer terribly the hospital screwed up he had a diseases addisons the developed diabetes he was 28 he went &chked himself into hospital walking&talking 2days later he was dead of acidosis they ignored his symptoms for a day even after i questioned them over&over saying something else was going on. I too still struggle with happiness in the first months i would be angry because i woke up the pain&guilt were unbearable but i had other kids&his kids who needed me& i didn’t want to be a source of more pain to them. It took me almost a yr to realize jordan wouldn’t want his death to destroy me. My health has suffered&there are days when i still feel like im slipping away. Please feel free to talk to me about your son your pain i and others will listen. I will be honest there are times when i feel so alone my friends& family don’t always know what to do or say so like this xmas most sd nothing like he nvr existed which hurts so much more than talking about him. Some will disappear they cant handle being so close to every parents worst nightmare. Please share with me if you wish i will listen the pain some days is unbearable& it is so unbelievely hard to live wanting the only thing you can never have your baby back and they are our babys no matter the age people don’t get that either. There are people on this site&others who know what a lonely journey u r on its a club no one wants to join cuz the dues are too high&you can’t ever get out but you are not alone feel free to reach out anytime you want. Another broken hearted mother , Marie

  161. No, I CAN’T ‘bear it’… Been 667 long ass days and longer nights and I still din’t give a flying F€£#…NOW, what, geniuses with all your ‘pretty prose’and dumb adages???

    • Mein GOTT…some of these ‘replies’run on worse than the Iliad/Odyssey… MY SON was a young completely innocent baby of 26 yrs,6 mos,3wks,3 days and about 2 hours..he FOUGHT severe Autism and deadly seizures ALL HIS LIFE without anything less than smiles and barely a ‘I fiiine’ when asked ‘how are you’…let’s face it..ain’t NO ONE ‘getting over’this HELL…it’s all BS…NO amount of prose n prayers or TIME is going to ‘fix’or mitigate this..WHO the Hell was I kidding even showing UP HERE??? Good luck to ALL OF YOU ‘existing’in this endless Hell…doubt ANYone will ever read this amidst ALL the run-on din here,or give a crap beyond their own personal ‘Hells’…

      • I’ll reply because I know that anger- I know the pain – I know the disillusion. No words can take the pain away nor bring your child back. We’ve been dealt the worst hand possible and there is not a bright side or easy way to get over it. This website is for blowing off steam to people who are in your shoes- but at different places on this hellish path. I don’t talk to anyone I used to know 4 years ago because they say and do stupid painful things because they don’t get it, and hopefully they won’t ever have to suffer what we are suffering in order for them to understand. I don’t even go to the therapy group for parents who lost children because I don’t feel like I can share my real feelings for fear they’ll call the psych ward to come pick me up. So, don’t stop coming to this site. Write whatever is on your mind- someone here might be able to say something to help you or not. Sometimes just writing can help. Peace

    • I understand no amount of my 28yr old son being in a better place has ever comforted me what is better than being here with his family. What is worse than a parent burying their child no matter the age. What comfort do you find when you stand by and watch your child suffer and are helpless to stop it. When people avoid saying his name like he never existed. The only pple who get it are the ones who lived it but i wish i could just have faith that there is a better place its just too hard es when evil people seem to live til their well into old age& many go through life hurting people and never seem to suffer.

    • Hey I get it S. Life is TORTURE without my son and no it doesn’t get better and you never can go back to ‘normal’. I hate when people comment that after a few years you will start feeling better or that god will make it all better for you. Hell, why then doesn’t he make it better and stop the heart ache in this world? Not just mine but all the people who suffer torture every day of their pitiful lives? 10 years since I hugged my Matt, 10 f**g years since I’ve seen him smile into my eyes.

      • My mother: I know someone who lost their son and they are better after the first year.
        My therapist: My other patient is recovering since it’s been a year, why aren’t you?
        My sister: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You just use this to get attention.
        My sister: This is no different than anyone else dying. My husband just lost his mother and he is suffering just as much as you losing your son.
        My friend: Why are you so negative? See the JOY in life and thank god for this beautiful world.

      • I have much of same things but my mom and dad already gone lost my dad when I was 20 thought that was worse thing ever until i lost my son. I will never be the same i will never get over it i miss him more not less. I hope i will see him again but i can’t lie and say im sure i will its been a year and 5months every night since hes died i ask for him to come to me in a dream its never happened. I want to see him again even if its just a dream so far i have not. Im sorry for your pain no one deserves this and its easy for others to say what they say they dont get it.

      • For any of you interested, there’s a blog called Channeling Erik. It’s written by the mother of a young man who committing suicide by shooting himself in the head in his room. She is a medical doctor and ended up cleaning up his room after the ME took him away. She started the blog shortly after he passed because she had to get out all those terrible feelings we know all too well. After awhile, she started to notice some strange things happening around her house. For those of you open to other possibilities, I suggest giving Channeling Erik a try. It has helped me.

      • Marie, you will have that dream before long. He will come to you. It took 2 years before I had any kind of dream and I think I had a couple more after that. So sorry for your loss.

      • Holly, thank you so much it gives me hope & it means alot to me just you responding im so sorry for your loss too i wish you peace , im always amazed and grateful for people like you that even through your own pain you reach out and give me hope. Peace marie

      • I’m glad to respond, Marie, and anytime you want to talk send me a message. In order to dream of him, you need to be able to remember your dreams. Usually you can remember them when you are awoken too early, before you are ready to wake up. Right in the middle of rem sleep. If you take a sleeping pill, it may effect your ability to remember. None of us can know anything for a fact, but I just know that my dreams were really him coming to me. The nature of the dreams, him coming to tell me something or guide me, the feelings, were really him. He knew he was dead. In fact he had a young man with him whom I instinctively knew was his escort,,,as though he couldn’t come to me by himself but needed someone to show him how to reach me in my dream. He also was given only a short time to come because I could feel the guy mentally tugging him back. He danced with me on my mother’s back porch and held me and weeped as I rubbed his hair and the back of his neck. Oh, touching him felt so good. I also knew that he wasn’t crying for himself but for his little brother and he let me know without words that I needed to straighten up and be a better mother, even if it took a herculean effort. It sort of hurt that he wasn’t crying because he missed me, but that was Matt. Always like a father to his brother. He also let me know (no words) that I needed to stay away from my family as they were hurting me. The second dream I had was near the end of the 3rd year. I had stopped eating and was smoking and got down to 100 lbs.and looked anorexic. I was dying; I really was and yet didn’t know it. Though I loved my other son, I could not cope. I laid in bed crying and smoking and couldn’t eat.

        I was dreaming. We were walking together on a cloud street in the sky and he had his arm around me. He didn’t speak but I knew what he thought. He was telling me I had to go on living for my other son. I screamed, “NOOOOOOOOO” and was hysterical and crying. And then he did speak. He said, “Mom, you have to TRY”. Then the dream was suddenly over. From that time on, I started trying to get better. And I did. I started eating and quit smoking and put a smile on my face and stopped showing my tears. I hid them.

        I’ve also had many signs. Marie I know you will dream and he will come. It just takes awhile and there could be many reasons for that. But it will happen. I also want to say how sorry I am that you lost both your parents. Big hugs, Holly

      • I lost my 17 year old daughter 4 years ago. We went sledding- who dies going sledding?… Allie did. Prior to her passing, my father died- a few years before that, my mother died. I am an only child. After Allie passed away, my husband turned into a complete A-hole and made me get rid of the family pets(2 dogs 2 cats). After that he filed for divorce. A few months later, I was diagnosed with cancer. I thought God was finally showing me some mercy, however, I had surgery and radiation and now I’m cancer free, plus I’m permanently handicapped. So, yeah- no mercy. How am I still alive? Well, I did try to take my life but the ER prevented that- and I saw how it affected my younger son. So, I’ve decided to stick around until God finally takes me. I also started reading about near death experiences which led me to learning about science beginning to find real promising information that is shedding light on the possibility of life after death. I know I sound like a wacko- but I’ve had real experiences like the makeup mirror Allie gave me has been turning on by itself. So, I’m holding on. Also, I’ve met other mothers who lost their children 20+ years ago and they are okay. They’ve said the pain never goes away, you never get over it but the pain changes. So, yes, it is the absolute worst thing to ever happen to a human being and it will change you- but somehow we continue.

      • Hollie the comments you have received are ignorant and unfeeling but not I’m afraid uncommon . My son died four years ago yesterday and during the first year of his death I received the most crass remarks that I said nothing too but in my heart made me want to leap on these people and seize them by the throat .
        No it’s not the same as your 89 year old mother or brother in law .Memories don’t make it better and you can’t just pick yourself up and move on .These things are seared into my soul .
        That is how it is Hollie but the people are crass and ignorant out of embarrassment or i don’t know what – just ignore and avoid these people .
        Try and stay with the kind people and there are kind people out there they cannot take away your pain but they won’t add to it .
        Most of all be kind and gentle to yourself .xx

      • Thanks Kathy, yes it is amazing the things people say when they want the old you back. Not happening, is it! It’s a shame that we have to deal with people trying to ‘help’, in addition to the pain of losing our child. I will never forget all those things said to me and have found that the best way to deal with these kinds of people is to get them out of your life. I just tell them I’m ‘busy’. Haha. Hugs

  162. Holly, it sounds like you are surrounded by an ignorant mom, sister, friend, and therapist. Do yourself a favor and seek out people that will be more sensitive and understanding to your situation.

    • Patty, I appreciate your response but it’s not possible to find new people who care right after it happened. In that first year I learned who cared about me in my life. Since then I have made friends and been in a great grief group. But that does not replace those with whom you needed support from…family/best friends..those who knew my son. Many of his friends and my other friends were there for me, though. I was just trying to point out how this is a common occurance for us who’ve lost children. People don’t and cannot understand unless they’ve been through it. And there are many who will put you down and try to make you feel like you are failing at this job of grief. It’s bullsh*t.

      • I find that the pain changes but I wouldn’t say it’s better. Just not that grinding, relentless despair and horror I felt in the first 3 years. After that I started being able to function better, but now I find that I am tired. As more time passes without my sweet Matt, I feel exhausted and worn out missing him. I’ve aged about 20 years and the sun has never really come out again and I don’t care. I’m here for my other son and I’ve become a great actress because I didn’t want this to ruin his life. He needed his mom and I think I’ve done a good job at that. At first I couldn’t hide my tears and he had to go through those first 3 years with me crying constantly. Not good for a 7 yr old. Then one day I woke up and decided to make him my priority, made that decision and it was the right thing to do. He has a mom who seems happy with life and fully supports him. But down inside, as we all know, the pain tortures me every moment missing my beautiful best friend Matt, my son. I am normally honest and straight forward, but in this I must put on an act. I love my son who is still here so much and never want him to be hurt by my grief.

      • I have been there as well Holly. It has now been 6 years since my 13yr old son Kollin died here at home. If you read my earlier blogs, you will see where I was crippled in pain for many years. I also had a younger daughter and had to struggle to get it together for her. It was bad enough that she lost a brother. She still needed her dad. Was extremely difficult for me to be the dad she deserved. To all of you, please hang in there. It is not easy and there is nothing I tried (Drugs, alcohol, etc) that could take away the pain. Time has helped and I can now actually look back on Kollin’s live and smile from time to time. He always tried to make me proud. Now, I hope to make him proud. My love and hope to all of you.

      • Richard, i just wanted to thank you for always taking the time to respond to everyone who posts on this page. You suffered the loss of your wife&son but even in the midst of your own pain you never fail to respond to others in pain. Peace Marie

      • Thanks Marie. You response is so kind and greatly appreciated. It is so sad that any of us are here in this forum. And for you, having lost your son so suddenly and recently, my heart goes out to you. Thank YOU for being here and caring. Your kind words are greatly appreciated!

  163. Yes I did read about you Richard and am so sorry. Life just sucks and then you die. Some kids, I believe, were never really meant to be here because they were angels. They were sent down to us for a short time to give us the love and wisdom we needed and to maybe ‘learn lessons’? I don’t know but I know my son was too good for this world, too loving. Through the problems he had to deal with in life and the lack of extended family love, (though they do put on an act….it’s just when they were needed, their love disappeared. For instance, when he came back after a year in the infantry in Iraq, I went to colorado to greet him with his brother and gfriend. The family would or could not come. Not a priority for them. He asked me, “where is everyone?”. God I cannot tell you how that broke my heart. A full year in Iraq from the time the war first started. Every day I worried he would die or get captured. Pure fear is what I lived for a year. It’s hard to think about things like this but sometimes I do. He is loved now and I will see him when I die and this is what I believe. Thanks for reading.

    • Holly, its marie again i will have to back or please tell me your sons story if you wish i too have another son that was in iraq and has been struggling again like he was when he first came home since his brother died. My son who died was in and out of hospital alot he hated being there alone yet it would mostly be me and his gf and brothers who sat with him til the last days of his life then evetyone don’t get me wrong im grateful they were there just wish he had so much support when he was alive. It just touched my heart when i read your last post. So sorry for your pain and loss& if you want to share your sons story id feel privileged to listen. Marie

      • Holly again, Marie. Isn’t that a coincidence that both our sons were in Iraq! You see, Matt had PTSD though undiagnosed. It often takes a long time to manifest symptoms and he stayed in the army for another year and a half before he got out. His friends said he had lost his smile. He started doing drugs when he got out of the army and 6 months later he was gone. He told me he was depressed and feeling suicidal and was having flashbacks almost every night. He couldn’t get rid of the guilt for killing people, especially a 13 year old boy. The blood, guts, seeing friends die or get maimed. I found him here in his bed in his room. He overdosed. He was still warm. I tried cpr but didn’t know how and was hysterical. Oh I loved my Matt so so so much.

        I still do and always will treasure what he gave me. I would be happy to hear your son’s story as well and lend any support I can, though you can see that I am not one of those moms who ‘got better’. I am just coping, not really living. For your son who was in Iraq, here’s what I wish I had done for Matt. I wish I had listened to every word and not been in a rush, working, errands, raising a little one. I did listen but not the way I should have. I did bring him to a therapist but that stupid idiot said he was fine. F…g idiot! I hate that man. Anyway, his ptsd was not acknowledged. He needed validation that I understood his feelings and that it was okay to feel bad. I just kept trying to get him to cheer up, be positive, make an effort…never realizing the devastation of his very soul, the trauma he was living in every day. Research, google, read and don’t be afraid to tell him you don’t know what to do. Mainly just LISTEN with love, with patience. Put everything else aside except for him. Don’t let him leave you and beg him to stay. Get down on your knees and beg him. Why didn’t I do that? I never believed death was real. I never believed I would ever lose him, could never face that. So don’t be like me. Hugs

      • Hi holly, its marie im so sorry it has taken so long for me to get back with you i have had thryriod disease for last yr&they r having a hard time regulating it, it makes me so tired it can also increase depression which I know u understand that it is a battle that we fight everyday. I don’t want our communications to be all about me i want u to feel free to talk about matt but i guess we have to tell our story so this will kind of be about my experience &sometimes its hard cuz i know ur going through the same pain&loss that i am& i worry that you will think its all i want is someone to listen but i hope you know i want to listen too…so here is my story as concise as i can make it cause my son Jordans life was complicated. When he was 14 he was in a car accident he had bleeding on frontal lobes of his brain&was also blind in 1 eye because of it afterwards he had terrible emotional & behavorial issues it caused minor interactions with police curfew violations riding dirtbikes on dams &skipping school. He had no filter whatever he thought came out of his mouth i brought him to therapists did all that i could to get him help if u talked to him you would not see right off that he had these issues &i had a heck of a time even with drs reports etc convincing courts school that he was not a bad kid thankfully by the time he was 18 he was on meds etc that seemed to help stabilize his moods but he was left with extreme anxiety &depression &lack of ability in cognitive things etc so after yrs of trying to get him help with education job skills he applied for ss & got it. Despite all the hard times even at his worse he was also the most sensitive &caring person i wont go into everything cuz it would just take to long. He met a girl when he was in his low 20 s went on 2 have 2 daughters i was agst him having children but im so glad they r here now but he did his best for them he didn’t make much but he made sure he provided for them& was a good dad. Just as it seemed his life was getting better around the time his daughter was not even a yr old he got beat up bad I’m not going to go into details but after that he got sicker &sicker he kept going to er & they kept on telling them it was his anxiety finally 6 mos after the incident he got so sick he was weak went to er they finally did blood work found out his sodium levels were so low he had to go into icu & a few days later he was diagnosed with Addison disease. The disease greatly affected his life the low sodium caused his anxiety to be worse as did the steroids he had to take to control the disease as a result when he was anxious the psychiatrist would not increase his dosage of anti anxiety drug he would binge drink to self medicate & the alcohol was like poison to him all his levels would go out of whack it was sad he’d goe for months without drinking and then he go a binge for a few days afterwards hed be so sorry i go to hospital we both cry the other issue was that because of addisons he was on strict fluid restrictions even water was dangerous because of the fact it flushed out the sodium too fast. This was always a issue & i was very involved with his life they lived by me he would call in middle of night because he was having anxiety id sit hrs with him in hospital. He tried so hard professional help he saw psychiatrist once a month. I should of took him out of town to better hospital he started experiencing other symptoms legs would swell the endrocogligist in our area left they couldn’t find replacement they treated him like hurry up and get him out at hospital because he always admitted to drinking they acted differently towards him like he was a screw up he was always nice to them in hospital they have hard time getting blood they would poke the crap out of him and he just say its ok til id get mad&tell them to get someone who worked downstrs. Things got worse right before he died he was diagnosed with diabetes &with addisons things were complicated what was good for one was not good for other. After his stay for that they released him his sugar still was not under control very little follow up how guilty i feel not to take him out of town i never thought he would die. Feeling depressed and horrible about 3 wks after he got out of hospital he drank at a picinic early the following morning he knew his sodium was low it was very hot so he was dehydrated also so he drove himself to the hospital on the morning of august 17 2015 & checked himself in 2 days later on august 19 at 802pm he was dead. They admitted to icu because his sodium was low & when it gets that low the drug they give u has to be closely monitored or it can cause brain swelling. I went to hospital he was crying saying how sorry he was and ashamed that he drank sometimes i got mad but this time i did not i told him that we would get him healthly& start over i told him it was ok everything would be alright. The hospital was supposed to notify me immediately of any changes in his status they had his written permission. The first day he was there he was having symptoms that he had never had before he sd he was having hard time catching his breath pain radiating from stomach to back could not keep down his meds. I questioned & questioned they told me it was anxiety &i was feeding into it making him worse they brought him a fan. That evening whn his fiance came i went home i texted with him til 9pm sd he was still throwing up but he was alert and talked to his brother afterwards. The next morning i called when he did not answer his cell i called spoke to nurse she told me he had a rough nite& they were letting him sleep in i assumed he was up from anxiety so i sd tell him I have a drs aptmt &id be there around 11am they sd ok when i got there the first thing i noticedwad he had been cathed nvr had that before i had a hard time waking him he was confused & disoriented when i asked what the hell had happened they sd all his levels went crazy around 5am when I asked why i wasn’t notified they sd they did not know it was another shift again i should of gotten him OUT then but i did not think he was going to die. Then his heart rate and bp were crazy ill spare you every detail but nvr once did the dr take me or my husband out of the room to explain anything the first hint i had was after he was vented because kidney dr came in and went off on dr to why it hadn’t been done sooner he could still shake his head squeeze hand a nurse came in and asked in front of him his brothers and family that if he flat lined did i want cpr done he was 28 then i wanted him moved but they sd he could die in transport and i couldn’t ride with him and i did not want him to did alone so i can imagine ur agony of not being with your matt. His stomach blew up like he was 8mos pregnant we had to point it out to staff the dr would come in the room shake his head like why r u all hanging on let him go like he was exasperated with us. The kidney dr did a risky procedure to try to save him he sd if it was his son he would since he came in hospital just day beforewalking talking he hoped he had enough left in him to fight. I know how you wanted to be with ur son but my son died a horrible horrific painful death while i stood by helpless begging God to take me instead i still have flashbacks we begged him to fight he was in so much agony he shoke his head no it broke my heart we had him brought back 3times in was awful the bells security would come up to icu i remember the one holding my other son from going into room as they worked on him while hes screamed plz its my brother my sister in law crying in the other security guards arms. After the third time i went in his eyes were yellow blood was poring out of his mouth i knew i had to let him go he suffered too much. I told them do not resuscitate again but by the time i got words out of my mouth they were hurrying to get me out of the way to turn off all machines twenty min later he died. The blood still kept pouring out of his mouth i can remember thinking why is he still bleeding if hes dead. Stupid &in shock. I found out from funeral director that he didn’t die from addisons but acidosis from diabetes. It all sounds so crazy that i didn’t know but i didn’t. Im sorry if ive taken so much of your time but i know the guilt i full of it the what if it took me almost a yr just to think the thought the Jordan wouldn’t want his death to destroy me but as you know too well part of you dies too. Please talk to me i want this 2be a opening for you to have someone to talk to about matt your struggles i feel a bond with you. Sorry it took so long for me ive been thking about u love &friendship marie

      • Marie, you sound like the sweetest person. I’m sorry I didn’t see your letter either till now. I would love to have your friendship and thank you very much. What you have been through and your Jordan is shocking and makes me so angry! As I was reading, I kept thinking what an amazing mom you are and were with Jordan. It took an incredible amount of strength to bear all that your precious son went through. Seeing him suffer for so long and continue to be mistreated, misdiagnosed, and judged falsely took such great strength to handle. What idiots, insensitive, cold hearted people around your beautiful, hurting son. You had no idea that he might die. That is just not something a mother can look at, contemplate, or imagine. It’s almost impossible to believe it even after they are gone. Even when Matt was in Iraq and I knew he could die, I never once really believed it. You were at the mercy of the hospital workers and thought you were doing the right thing. I know you thought about moving him to another hospital but your thoughts were probably in line with worrying that he might get the same kind of bad treatment at a different hospital and he would have probably been further away from home and you. All these huge decisions you had to make and the amount of stress you went through just amazes me. You are a beautiful MOTHER. How my heart breaks for you and for Jordan. What a fighter he was. You stood with him in the battle and fought so hard for him. When I read how he passed and how you had to let him go and how he let you know he wanted to go, it made me cry so hard. Oh it is heartbreaking. I feel so much admiration and love for you both and for your other son who longs for his brother. I am glad you wrote about this and let it out. Don’t ever feel like you’re taking up my time…..that is not true. I do want to know and appreciate how hard it was for you to write this. I am going to ready about Jordan again because as I was reading, I kept getting sidetracked with the pain of it, the injustice of it, and the injustice of life and death. I hope that you can get that thyroid regulated soon and feel a little bit better soon. My heart goes out to you today.

      • I see no reason to go on either but we must can you talk to me about how you feel because I know firsthand what it is to want to die when your preciousness is not in this world as we know it J

        On 1 Apr 2017 13:01, “Bereaved Parents’ Watering Hole” wrote:

        > Holly Kennedy commented: “Marie, you sound like the sweetest person. I’m > sorry I didn’t see your letter either till now. I would love to have your > friendship and thank you very much. What you have been through and your > Jordan is shocking and makes me so angry! As I was reading, I ” >

      • Holly, its marie im sorry it took me so long also to reply i have to thank you your words moved me to tears especially knowing that you are dealing with just as much pain as i am over your beloved son Matt. I know how horrible you feel that you were not with him so both of us have are own experience really that each is just as painful as the other no one wants to be there but at the same time no mother wants not be there no matter how hard it is. Its so hard when there are circumstances involved that if we think maybe if we would of done this or that things might of been different. I think your son was a sensitive soul like my son& i tell myself sometimes that This world was just to painful for my son it’s the only comfort i have. We can only imagine the things after being in a war zone that you son had to deal with & coming home& trying to be ok is not easy as i sd i deal with it with my other son. He knows 2 vets that committed suicide one who he found. You are a wonderful compassionate woman& i know that you loved your son with all your heart and soul &like they say if our love could of saved either of our sons they would still be here. Your pain is no less than mine our loss is the same &our heartbreak is forever. Please keep in contact im sorry it took me so long to get back to you i get so many emails i didn’t see it right away i for what ever reason felt a strong connection with you like we both fought so hard to save our sons& now we are struggling so hard to go on without them. Please take care of yourself your son knew you loved him & please whenever you want to talk im here your post touched my heart. Love& peace marie

      • Marie, many thanks for your sweet note. I have been at this for 11 years now, so I am doing okay. Don’t worry about me. Sometimes I just like to write and let it out because as you know it helps to repeat over and over and have people hear you. And some days are so hard and I need to let out my emotions in a burst of pain. Being able to write our feelings and know that other people are reading it helps us.These wounds to our very being will never really heal and the knowledge that our child suffered brings a whole ‘nother dimension to this pain. But it also helps to feel that we might be helping others. Your words meant a lot.

        There is a certain sacred beauty to this pain. We know our sons or daughters have gone on to another place (that is what I believe-sorry if offending anyone) and we are still left here. Just imagine them sitting around a campfire with a window to the world that they are looking into and observing us helping one another. They are fine, at peace, free from longing with the certain knowledge that we’ll be there with them soon. They are admiring us for the depth of our love and our strength in seeking out and finding each other and coming together to bear this most tremendous of losses. They know how much we love them and are so proud of their moms and dads. Strangers come together in desperation and leave with a sense of hope. We make this all work. We can do it. We are still their parents.

        I once was a daily member of a grief group and we would all just constantly write one another and were mostly all in our beginning years. It was the most amazing thing because we grew very close like a family. I highly recommend it. Every day we would write. There was an Australian man who was a bit further along than the rest of us and still longing for his beautiful daughter. He would fall asleep every night in his chair waiting for her to walk back in the door. He knew she had gone, but still he was compelled to sit in that chair and wait. For many years he did this. He was a very accomplished, highly educated, and interesting man who, along with his wife, opened their home to college students on temporary assignment-because it helped him to be around the young people. His thoughts and advice were so deep and touching to all of us. He was always polite, honest, and careful of every word he put into print. I am quite sure he spoke the same way, though I unfortunately never got to meet him in person. He began writing poetry. I would not be overstating it to say that his work was superior, in my opinion, to Thoreau or Emerson. He began to write a special poem for each child. We waited patiently for our turn. When I received Matt’s poem, it was as though Matt was speaking to me himself. I will always be grateful to him for literally saving my life because I was ‘way far gone’ at the time. It had only been 6 months when I found this group and him. I guess I’m writing this to show that there are things that will happen in your life that will shock and surprise you…that will be like magic keys that open doors, that will bring light into your darkness. All you have to do is look, and seek, and the universe will bring them to you. Someone will say something that will strike your soul and lift you up beyond this pain and you’ll know that there really is hope. That hope is real and it’s a powerful thing. That your love has power and that your love can break the boundaries that separate you from your child.

        Well, enough already. I am lost in thoughts of that time. Peace to you tonight, dear Marie. Sending lots of love and good thoughts your way. Holly

      • Holly, as usual your words bring me comfort & never offend me i like to believe the same things although i admit that there are still days were i struggle with faith& wonder if this life is all there is but there have been what i think are signs that my son is still with me in spirit& with his daughters &i am in a place now were i try to be open to them. You give me hope that despite all the pain we can move forward, it really took me almost a full year that it occurred to me that Jordan would not want his death to destroy me it seemed like it should of been obvious but it really was not. In august it will be 2yrs & i still struggle with happiness but im doing better it is always difficult still in the morning, as soon as i wake up &shake off the sleep the first thing that i think about is that he is still gone it is not as intense but idk if everyone deals with this but every morning he dies again if you understand what i am saying. You are a hope& inspiration to everyone who comes to this site your words always touch my heart& your complete honesty&openness to share your pain& loss with others means alot. I think for me& other moms that have lost a child our lives are divided into before my child died&after & a piece will always be missing & it is so hard to figure out how to live without that piece of you, because of people who have reached out to me i have learned to allow myself to feel whatever emotion it is &not feel guilty about it i would feel bad about feeling envy towards friends &family who had their whole family at the holidays etc now i just allow myself that feeling and know its normal. If you ever want to talk about matt i would love to listen im sure he was &is a beautiful soul because he has a compassionate, giving beautiful mother. Thank you for your words &understanding. Peace&love, Marie

      • Hey Marie, thanks for writing. I do not have ‘faith’ as some people think of it. Faith is not enough for me. “Just have faith” does not cut it for me. I need proof. Unfortunately I won’t get it. I can only keep searching and since I have had Matt come to me in my dreams, I do believe I will see him again. But as far as faith in the bible or anything like that, no. I have my own idea and vision of a creator of the universe, and it’s not written in a book or anywhere else.
        I know we all have to find our way. At first I turned to the bible. After having read it for many years, I thought I knew it. I never could get that ‘feeling’ of faith and love for someone I’ve never met. Finally I realized I just didn’t believe it was written by the creator. No offense intended to anyone. These are just my own thoughts. I turned to nature for answers and though I haven’t any proof, of course, it’s the only thing I can study to find answers. Wishing you a good and peaceful day, dear Marie. Hugs

  164. Like hell no water

  165. I don’t see how any of this helps my son died July 16 2016. 8 months ago. He was in Bangore main to better his life he was 21 years old was there 11 day they found him dead in the dorm room. They contacted me 8 hours after. I didn’t know I’d never see him again I didn’t know something was going to happen to him. A drug free zone where all my son did was smoke pot. Found him dead and powder on the night stand. The kids there had a hand in his death and no one taking responsibility for it. How am I ever gonna keep on living after that. Hope am I gonna ever get past that. Every moment every day I’m in deep agony. I want my son back I can’t keep living without him.

    • Denise, when you get depressed and sad just remember that your son would not want you to be tormented. When my son died, I was depressed and wanted to die. Then, one day, I realized that he would be very sad if he knew how it was affecting me. It’s not possible for you to be happy right now because not much time has passed since his death. In the beginning, I spent every single day wishing that I would go to sleep and not wake up. The first three years were the worst. My son Matthew died in 2013. Sometimes, you just have to ask God to help you learn to live again and have peace. Trust me, if there was foul play they won’t get away with it – they will have to answer to God. Be good to yourself and know that your son would want you to find peace!

      • Patty, I could not have said this better. When my son died, I also wanted to die. The pain and torment just went on and on. The only thing that helped was time. Time to grieve and time to recover. It has now been over 5 years since my son died, but I am now able to look back on his life and remember the joy he brought me once again. Though his path through life was short, I’m glad I got the chance to walk it with him.

        Please hang in there Denise. Unfortunately, we here understand what you are going through and it breaks my heart. I am sure your son would want you to go on and live. Where we once thought they would be our legacy, we are now theirs instead. We are here for you. Please feel free and share.

  166. Today im on here because I just need to vent if anyone can give me feedback id be grateful. Its so hard to get people to understand &at the same time i dont want pity just understanding i guess. Its been a yr and a half i lost my son to disease most people don’t die from & i didn’t expect him to die he had been in hospital before &always came home he checked himself in walking&talking 2days later he was dead it was a horrible painful death &i still get flashbacks. But today lately ive been feeling particularly sad & super sensitive got thyriod issues now so thats probably not helping but i feel myself just wanting to withdraw from family &friends so if anyone been in the state of mind im in id love to hear from you i think maybe im being selfish or what idk. My family my sisters& neices i guess we have always been close i know they care about me i mean if im sick they call&ask if im feeling better but no one asks how are you about the elephant in the room my sons death&i dont say too much cuz i get the feeling they are glad i don’t they see me going about life & i think they are just relieved that im handling things so well& they don’t have to ask & they never bring him up his name was Jordan they never hardly bring him up only 1 person im grateful for her does the rest its like he never existed. Im probably expecting too much its been a yr and a half but what id be so grateful for is if someone just asked how are you dealing with his death do you want to talk about it or him like i sd maybe i expect too much &they were there for me when it happened so i have lots to be grateful for probably more than some people who come to this site& I don’t want to sound like a selfish cry baby but sometimes i feel so alone & im not the same &they act like i am & sometimez they upset me because yes after a yr and a half there is a large part of me thats fragile i always thought of myself as strong i dont like be super sensitive to stuff but i am for example my son died he has 2 daughters they took them alot spoiled thems senseless the youngest was only 3 she’s easy going tiny&sweet the oldest was 5 when her daddy died less than a couple weeks later she was starting kindergarten without him she has problems emotionally also had immune disease makes her legs hurt they favor the little one cuz she’s sweet and easy and if they take them both i have to hear how mean the older one is its been harder for her and she gets jealous of peoples attention but it hurts my feelings. Other things too i dont want people to have to tip toe around me feel like they have too but im not who i was i get my feelings hurt more easily now snippy lines or someone a bit annoyed when their busy and u catch them at the wrong time harder to take now. Gosh i feel right now like im looking for sympathy i think its just understanding but maybe i am and i no there are pple on this site that have had it worse than me so i feel bad. Every morning i wake up and the first thing i think is jordans dead and at night hes the last thing i think of before i sleep i know im not alone in that. My heart breaks for all of you too this is so messed up this new life we didn’t ask for.

  167. Shouldn’t i be better at dealing with it all ? I just feel myself wanting to withdraw from everyone cuz i dont want to be hurt but at the same time i want to have whatever is left of my life and interact with people i thought i work my way thru this part of the grief but im stuck maybe its me i go to family stuff i don’t say nothing about my son i put on my happy face but maybe I’ve pushed people away im so confused and hurt

    • Marie, when you say that there are others on this site that have it worse than you, but when it comes to losing a child, everyone’s pain is the same! There is nothing wrong with wanting sympathy sometimes. My son died in February of 2013 and it took me over two years to learn to live again and have happy times. It’s different, but I have learned to laugh and enjoy life. There still are times that I get very depressed, but it always passes, and God blesses me with inner peace. Your family might not mention your son because they think it makes you sad. Maybe you should mention him when you are with them. If you talk about Jordan, they are more likely to talk about him. I told my sister that there are only two times a year that I don’t want to discuss my son Matthew – it’s Mother’s Day and his birthday! Those are the saddest times for me. I pray that you will be able to find inner peace the way I did. In a situation like ours, God and time is the only medicine!

      • Thank you Patty, i know you miss your son Matthew just as much as i miss Jordan haven’t been feeling good cant seem to regulate my thyroid maybe its just my mood i just want someone to say his name and recognize that he lived& idk why lately I’ve become so sensitive it like look at me cross eyed and ill cry. I just want people to understand ill never be the same but its hard for me to say i want to talk always been pretty private. Its such a hard thing to deal with the range of emotions. I will think of you and other moms and dads who been through this nightmare always because whenever im at a low point someone like you despite your pwn grief reaches out to comfort me. Marie

      • I been having a rough time of late idk why maybe like everyone im waiting til spring its just some winter blues along with health issues &my granddaughter issues. I don’t want them to feel sorry for me i just want people to recognize what happened. My sons case is being investigated by medical board at the time of his death everyone was all over me telling me to do this & that i did go see a lawyer but the standard of wrongful death is high& under the law you can’t do anything that contributes to your own demise so because my son was on fluid restrictions & he exceeded the amount of liquid he was responsible for added to his own death. I didn’t care about the money but the care he got was horrible let alone the way he was treated but i knew being rude and having no compassion was not considered bad care. So i sent all the info i had to medical board& they decided to take his case the woman i talked to was extremely nice &was very concerned about things that happened es since my son was under psychiatric care& i was supposed to be informed of any changes in his status. She also sd she may call witnesses that i put down but anyone who was there could call her &inform her of concerns things they saw etc. So i tell family that was there they can call because after he died they were telling me of things they saw that i missed because of my state of mind as I said they were just so upset at the time and telling me i should of gotten him out of hospital to bigger better hospital i tried to explain i could not&my mind would not allow me to wrap my head around the fact he was going to die. I was never taken into a private room &talked to believe me i feel so much guilt by the time i realized things were going horribly wrong i did ask for him to be moved but they told me he probably couldn’t withstand the trip that he might not make it that i could not ride with him &i didn’t want him to die alone. So to the present i told those who were there family close friends tbat they could call the lady& tell her the stuff they told me only one person sd they would the rest sd good im happy it was horrible what they did i wouldn’t send my dog there etc but they also sd im not good with talking to people im sure you got it covered so as i sd no one but one person offered &they haven’t yet so yeah im hurt and im venting the last 2days and im sorry so many parents are just as hurt as me so many lost their only child so many lost so much so i do feel selfish but if i don’t let it out then i cant move pass it there is more that was done after my sons death i guess in there own way to help but it hurt like the fact that my sons daughters mom lost him and right after lost her own mother &was having a hard time &not there for girls so my husband & i stepped in because I knew that she wasn’t a bad person or mother &i choose to work with her to get it back together &be the mom she was but if it came to it i didn’t want to have to do it but i would take the girls just until she got it together but thankfully she did little did i know that others in my family had grown attached and were trying to get the girls so my niece could raise them like if it came to that my husband and I wouldn’t want to raise our deceased sons children their reasoning for this because during the first month after my son died i didn’t spend alot of time with the girls i was a walking zombie as soon as i found out what was going on with their mom i became involved so I guess im saying all this so people understand that its not just coming from a place where im just saying i want more attention I’ve tried to move past alot of stuff but in their eyes i didn’t do things their way so its like a closed chapter for them the girls live them so they ask to visit them but its alwayz negative comments about the oldest & that is the only thing we talk about when it comes to my son. God bless all of you out there im sorry I’ve been venting on here if i sound unappreciative of people .

      • Marie, there is no need to apologize for venting. That is what this site is for! It’s a place you can comment and say anything you want to say, and you know that your family and friends won’t see it. Even though we are strangers, we probably have more in common than any of your family members because there is nothing more devastating than losing a child. When you’re feeling sad or frustrated, you can come onto this site and vent! We are here to support you in your grief. You can say things to us that you would never say to your family. We will not judge you!!!

  168. My only child, my 18 year old son was murdered 10 months ago today presumably when the killer was jealous of my son talking to a girl the killer liked. I absolutely cannot go on. My grief is so intense and I have no motivation to do anything. I want to die but I’m scared to kill myself.

    • Im am so sorry i am, i know your heart is broken& there are no words in august it will be 2yrs since my 28 yr old son died i have other children,grandchildren 2of them his people thinks that help&it does i guess in some ways but at one point i was so deep in pain that it took away my option to opt out because they needed me&i didn’t want to cause more pain to my other sons &grandkids. It was a year before it even occurred to me that Jordan wouldn’t want his death to destroy me, but still i get up in morning and every day as soon as i shake the sleepiness away he dies again& people will never understand unless they have experienced it i try not to be hurt by friends& family who exited my life or fail to mention him like he nvr existed all i can say to you is you will always carry the pain and some days will be worse than others i still feel guilty sometimes when i experience something happy but here on this site at least there are people who care and understand& will listen i carry my son with me everyday i miss him everyday but grief changes and if ever you need to talk you can contact me or alot of others on here theae sites were god send ti me because I knew no one who understood im so sorry no one shouldn’t ever have to bury there child NO ONE it is completely out of order messed up that no one deserves. Please feel free to reach out i know ur heart is broken and im so sorry words aren’t even adequate to describe the emotions or the bond we all share that we would give anything not to be in this club a club no one wants to join &once in no one can leave. Im sorry i wish i could do or say more. Marie

      • Thank you Marie for reaching out to me and caring. Yes, I carry him with me everywhere and always will. I’ve lost people too with their lack of care and thinking I should magically be better. I’m so sorry for your loss too!!

      • Cindy, i hope im not waking you i don’t know on this site we could be in different time zones. Just wanted to let you know im thinking of you &if you ever want to talk about your son or having a bad day please feel free to contact me. I know how alone we can feel going through this besides the inability to see my son how much i miss him the hardest part besides obviously his painful death is the feeling of being alone with all of it especially hurtful when it’s people you loved& thought they stick with you no matter what. It hurts alot at least in my case. Take care here if you ever want to talk. Peace Marie

      • Thank you Marie. You’re so right. We have been shocked at how little support we have gotten when the life we had has been destroyed. People think that time (a whole 10 months) should surely have made things bettter. I can honestly say that I am in even worse shape now than I was at the beginning. I can’t even begin to put into words the desperation I feel, but I have to put on my act of being “normal” for others when I truly feel like I’m losing my mind. Thank you for listening.

      • Cindy, please contact me anytime it will be 2 yrs in august for me but i remember that period as i approached the one yr date, it was horribly painful& difficult i felt as crazy as it sounds that i was counting down like his death was approaching &i could do nothing to stop obviously i knew he was dead but thats how it felt. I reached out online in desperation feeling so alone & a wonderful woman responded &we still keep in touch her son died around the same time as mine but she was there for emotionally &even with her own grief she helped me, understood me & even though she was a stranger i felt a connection with her. On the yr aniversary only 2 people brought it up i felt very alone. I guess they didn’t want to upset me, but not acknowledging it upset me more it in my mind was them acting like he never existed, like he nvr was. Please feel free to tell me your story if you are comfortable with doing so my closest friend had died a few months before my son unexpectedly & i would like to think she would of been there for me& to this day sometimes i wish it had been me instead of her. My friend who helped me thru that period online was so understanding my son had a complicated life& i didn’t open up for awhile but she never judged me& helped me deal with the tremendous guilt i was feeling. What you &i are dealing with is something that is so messed up &so screwed up unless it has happened to you no one understands no matter what the age NO ONE should ever have to bury their child EVER. I wish people were more open abt talking about parents who have gone through this maybe then pple wouldn’t say dumb stuff or fade out of your life. I don’t know but like i said if you would like to share your feelings, your sons story i am here to listen. I still struggle everyday it does help to have someone understand the struggle to go on the guilt that comes with even allowing yourself to experience happiness the what ifs & all of it even the struggle with faith that can be hard to talk about. Thinking of you i know your heart is broken & i know its hard to live with a broken heart. marie

    • Cindy, my heart is breaking for you. My son died five years ago February. I still can’t believe I have to say that. I wanted to kill myself, too – what is more devastating than losing your child? Nothing. When Philip died I walked around for weeks without taking a shower, living in my pajamas. I barely went out for that first year. I had to spend time alone with my grief; I couldn’t just live in the world the way I used to. Five years later I cope much better. But not a day goes by without sorrow. We are changed. We are different. I am so very sorry for your loss, for my loss, for all of us here who have to bear this.

      I know I can’t say anything to make you feel better, but know you’re not alone in your suffering. I wish love and peace for you. I know peace seems impossible, but love is not. You love him and he loves you, and that will never change.

      • Thank you Denise. I know. I can’t believe my son is dead either. I feel like I will always reject his death. I feel like he could just walk right back in the door and life could pick up where it was before that horrible day. But he won’t and I just can’t accept that or bear the pain. Thank you for caring and I am so sorry you have had to walk on this lonely anguish filled path.

  169. Yeah,great,Jody…read thru ALLA the ‘lis’of ‘buts’and ‘maybes’and ‘I don’t knows’and seven hundred thirty one painful agonizing days and worse nights in to this Hell I do NOT see any reasonable reason to begin to’want’to continue…

    • Suzanne, there are no words to steer anyone out of the pain, only acknowledgement of the pain and the need for help getting through the hell we all have faced and are still facing. Suicide is always an option for any human thinking being who is able bodied enough to be able to do it; but it is an action with far reaching consequences that may end one person’s hell and create a hell for so many others. That is the most important “but” in all of that. That’s the reasonable reason for wanting to move out of the valley of the shadow of death, with the help it often takes to achieve it. That’s the legacy part of living for a child and not dying with them. I can’t address your specific situation, not knowing it, but I hope you do find some relief, if only in knowing that your pain is shared by many and we do care.

    • Please don’t leave, S. I feel the same way you do a lot of the time, that I just cannot go on anymore. Without our child, what is there to live for? But stay please, won’t you? You can do some good in this world just by being you and talking and writing. You’ve helped me because I know I’m not alone in these suicidal feelings, which are very normal to have. Life has so much beauty, but when we lose a child, the beauty is gone because we should be sharing it. If you can, take a walk. When I feel this way, I walk preferably in the woods. I feel the trees in sympathy with me, standing strong there for me. I feel that somehow we are all loved, in spite of the bullshit and pain that life gives us. I feel hope that my son and I will be together again. I know how you want to leave. You are obviously an outstanding mom and your love for your child is so strong and true. Because of this great love and the relationship you had with your child, your grief is stronger. I know. I am the same. I would not look down on you if you left because I totally get it. But I care and want you to stay here. You help me and I’m sure so many others, and don’t even know it. Stay with me.

  170. hi 19 yr old girl was missing for 5 weeks,then finally found dead in ditch,

    killed,dumped like piece of rubbish. so i never got to say goodbye+all the unsaid things i feel guilty about. never got to know if she forgave me for things
    i shouldve done to make her life easier.this was 10+half years ago+to add to the trauma,i yearly get letters from different tv companies as a serial killer was
    involved.i think of her DAILY,continuously,+my thoughts of her last mopments
    get worse.i have to live because of my son, but if i didnt have him,i have the
    diazepam,vodka ready to end it.i dont think i could carry on even for my
    wonderful partner and sisters. or could i?we dont no how strong we are till this evil happens.

    • I’m so terribly sorry! 💔😰 My son was murdered 11 months ago and I’m living through a similar (but no two are alike I know!) nightmare. Want to die and be with him. He was my only child. I’m reading The Shack right now. I’d like to suggest it to you. Definitely doesn’t bring back our kids we cherish but maybe it can give you a little help. I’m struggling deeply in my faith and desperate for God to show me that He loves me. I’ll pray for you too!


      • Charlotte and Cindy what terrible pain you have to endure there are no words to say other than be kind to yourselves . xx

      • Thank you Kathy. ❤️

  171. I lost my 33 year old son 11 days ago when he felt sick and died in his sleep and the grief is unbearable. He was a gentle and kind soul with emotional and physical health issues. We supported him his entire life and our purpose seems gone now.
    He married a mean woman who took advantage of his naïveté and our kindness. It almost seemed as though he were brainwashed. They had a baby who will now be two and they only even knew each other three years. The wife does not even seem sad. We are so heartbroken and can’t even fathom how we will have to be near this person in order to see our grandchild. I am so so exhausted, sad, nauseas, and confused. I don’t know where to turn.

    • I’m so so sorry. Praying for you!

    • Ann I am so sorry xx

    • Ann, i am so sorry it will be 2yrs in august that my son died, he had emotional problems Addison disease then it was all made worse when he got diabetes from steroids he had to take for Addisons. His life was complicated to say the least & because of his issues even tho i have other children he was a huge part of my life he was 28 & when he died i wanted to die too if i could of left this world without causing pain to my other sons& grandkids i would of. I know that just getting through the day is a struggle for you i know that your heart is broken & that you dont know how you are going to get thru the next hour let alone day i wish this never happened to you or anyone for that matter no one should ever have to bury their child. No one & no one who hasn’t gone through it can really understand the pain . If you want to talk plz reach out it has literally been the kindness of strangers that have helped me get thru this. There are people who will listen & understand .again im so sorry. MARIE

  172. Hi all, I’m almost two years in; July 13 the Jake passed the day before his 22nd birthday. I wrote here, then stayed away awhile; Afraid maybe. The first week, I went to a small gathering and with this small group 4 parents had lost, thier child, one of them, myself. Two of them many years in spoke to me about how the pain never ends, it’s just like it happened yesterday. I had to get out of there, and here as I was afraid to read the same from parents on this blog. Yes, life is still difficult, I too question my faith, but try so hard because I want to believe I’ll see him again. 21 months in and I can breath, I still drink, forget to brush my teeth, work at home so stay in PJs, bad with money, but starting to care more. It’s not like it was yesterday, I can’t remember how bad it was, I can’t remember the funeral at all, only people I hadn’t seen in years. I was only on .5 Ativan. I had all kinds of non threatening aliments, UTI, dog bite, broken, blocked parotid, teeth hurt, (the dentist is doing a good job) and others, all from not caring. I will never say to someone its like it happened yesterday, it’s mean, But all of you above are wonderful, you explain what you mean, encourage. I’m lucky I have a great sister, a wonder fiance, my youngest son. No one has been cruel. Holly I think I would have list it if anyone ever belittle my right to feel the way I do about jake. That is my boy, my relationship. People are mean and opinionated​ when their itiotic mean statements are not wanted. I had one counselor who pissed me off and I didn’t go back. She isn’t worth the free visits from EAP. One of the biggest problems I have, dealing with rude people who have no idea what I’m going through. Anger stage keeps showing up. It’s nice to be in this group, think I’ll show up more, maybe I can help done now. XO

    • arlene – i read your post and it is like you are me – that is exactly how i feel/felt…..please stay on the site i love to hear your posts they make me feel like i am not as crazy as i thought i was – all the things you said I do every day – just like you – my love to you and let’s travel this awful path together ok? Jan

      On Sat, Apr 22, 2017 at 4:12 PM, Bereaved Parents’ Watering Hole wrote:

      > Arlene Dwyer commented: “Hi all, I’m almost two years in; July 13 the Jake > passed the day before his 22nd birthday. I wrote here, then stayed away > awhile; Afraid maybe. The first week, I went to a small gathering and with > this small group 4 parents had lost, thier child, one of ” >

      • I will, let’s get thru mother’s day, the Father’s day, thank you! XO

      • Mother’s Day will be really hard I feel like the guilt will destroy me like it was my fault I also lost my husband to suicide so Father’s Day will be rough too Please keep posting I am going to need your help X0 Janice

        On 22 Apr 2017 17:23, “Bereaved Parents’ Watering Hole” wrote:

        Arlene Dwyer commented: “I will, let’s get thru mother’s day, the Father’s day, thank you! XO”

    • Arlene, like others on this site, I feel for you. No one who has not lost a child can understand what it is like. I am glad for that. When others tell me they can’t imagine what it is like I tell them I am glad that they don’t. When others, who have not gone through what we have give me advise, I get angry. They tell me “It was Gods will”, etc. Makes them feel satisfied. Hurts me to the core.

      The people on this site have helped me deal with my pain. They really understand what it is like. Hell! You can read my past posts (It has been over 6 years since my 13yr old son Kollin died) and see how down I have been. The people here gave me the strength to hang on (Something I am sure my son would want me to do).

      I blame myself for his death (How could I, as his dad, not save him?). However, I am finding peace. Though his path through life was short, I am glad I got to walk it with him. After 6 years, I am finally able to remember him and smile (Believe me, that was not easy to do!). I was trained as a counselor and found myself unable to deal with the pain myself. It took time (No drugs or alcohol could take the pain away). I had to realize that the reason that I felt so much pain was because he had provided my life with so much joy. What a blessing!

      Though he was meant to be my legacy, I find that instead, I am his. I will never forget what he meant to me and therefore, will never “Get over it”. The best I can do is “Get through it” and keep him alive in my heart.

      Please hang in there Arlene. You are not alone. We are here for you and please feel free to touch base with us at any time. Hold the love in your heart! You will ALWAYS be Jake’s mom!

      • Richard, just wanted to tell you you are such a kind& compassionate person no matter what you always reach out to people & i remember you also deal with the pain of losing your wife. Last yr coming upon august the first yr of my sons death you answered when i was in a dark place it will be 2yrs in august &im still here at one time i didn’t think i make it. As you know its always a struggle every morning i wake up & my first thought is my son is dead but i have other children so i keep going learning to live with a broken heart i guess some days better than others but i just wanted to thx u your right no one should have to live this & im sorry for your loss.

      • kath,thanks for kind words.cindy I know you understand exactly
        what im going through.but im sure you’l also understand that other

        people have also mentioned religion as a helpto me but its really not for me.Richard,you’l understand when i say im at the point where i
        sometimes feel i only want to be friends with somone whos gone
        through the same thing because they understand.people in past
        have said the most cruel things,I think u~+all the others on here
        are wonderful.i feel worse each day, not better. should i still feel like this?the guilt isIMMENSE.i let my girl walk out that door that
        fateful night
        and shouldve realised what she was up 2. i get letters every year from tv companies who want to make tv programmes reg the
        serial killer,they make me feel worse as dosent matter how rude
        my replies are,they take no notice and keep showing these
        programmes.x charlotte

      • when my daughter died a year ago suddenly, i was shocked at how cruel people are – it shocks every day at how much we really don’t care about this – my arms are around you and please know I feel exactly the same way that you do – suicide is a constant for me- every morning, noon and night – but somehow I have to go on for the memory of my babies – i have now lost more than two of my babies – please keep reaching out no matter how hard and cruel this world is – we are the only ones who care and we can help – please keep talking to me

      • Richard you say what is in our hearts what is so impossible to say our children are gone from us before their time against all natural law we are their legacy . We can only hold them forever in our hearts .

      • Thanks Kathy. Only wish none of us had to go through this. For me, I will never “Get over it”. The best I can do is “Get though it”. Take care!

  173. Hieveryone, come here today because its been a difficult time lately not sure why it will be 2yrs in august since my 28yr old son died. He had severe emotional problems along with addisons disease complicated by diabetes as a result of steroids he had to be on. He had been hospitalized before I didn’t expect him to die, he checked himself in & 2 days later he was dead a horrible painful death part of it my fault because i couldn’t let him go. He flatlined 3xs the third time i knew i had gone to far when i went back into room his eyes were yellow blood coming out of his mouth even tho he was ventilated so i finally signed the dnr i know it sounds stupid but i just thought they wouldn’t resuscitate him again instead they couldn’t get me out of the way quick enough to unplug the machines they had done a risky dialysis proceedure thru his views that they weren’t sure he would live thru that the kidney dr tried he was the only dr who acted like he cared but that is a whole other issue they moved everything out but they left the vent in his mouth even after he died idk why i was in shock. But to the point i would like to get input from others on how as we try to go on with our lives we deal with friends & family i think after a certain amount of time they think you are the same maybe some pple are stronger or have more faith then me but i just wish people the ones that still stay in contact would understand how vulnerable i feel that i don’t deal well with stress that right beneath the surface it doesn’t take much to send me into anxiety attack or make me feel like a failure. Some feel the need to tell me particularly tragic things about strangers with the message at least you didn’t have to go thru that of course i feel bad for everyone who goes thru horrible things but i don’t want it used as comparison. My granddaughter was getting ready to turn 5& start kindergarten when her dad died her mom had a hard time & had lost her mom right after my son so emotionally checked out for awhile so she has some behavior issues &has a little sister who was only 3& Was not as effected i have a family member who just loves her nvr failing to tell me how sweet she is and the older one is mean a sister and my neice they favor the baby& leave out the older one cuz she is difficult altho i do not find her mean or any worse than any other little girl who’s been thru what she has. Then i feel bad cuz i feel resentment towards them and in other ways they are good to me. Idk i dont want to be bitter but i am hurt they act like i can still handle family drama i wish i could i was that person once who let stuff roll off my back im not strong like that anymore. If certain person in family does one thing for either child i have to hear about it so ive told their mom do not ask for them to watch them if i cant i dont think that understand how crappy this makes me feel my husband and i watch them help the girls with whatever they need but this person always go out of there way to make us look like less they occasionally buy them the fun stuff & we get to buy groceries &help with bills so its all complicated and difficult & msybe im not making sense believe me my one sister in law been a godsend making sure she includes me or i probably nvr get out where the oppposite is true we are left out of my sisters functions. What has it been like with other pple dealing with family you love but sometimes do hurtful things. And do people really expect you to be the same?

  174. Im sorry for anyone who comes to this i know i came out of desperation because no one understood my pain some people are so relieved when they think your better it hurts you more. They avoid you everyday for someone who has lost a child is hard & i too struggle with guilt and faith i do not know nothing for sure anymore. I live in fear that something will happen to one of my other children i see the hate in the world today & it makes me sad. So many people have reached out to me on this site truly a life line and ill be forever grateful. Life will never be the same and no one understands it that hasn’t gone thru cindy is one of the most caring people out there so much care for others Richard always responds so many i cannot name them all. I wish none of had to come here there is nothing right about it noone should ever have to bury a child. Thank you to all who have reached out & i always want to be here for anyone who needs someone to listen.

    • i am always here – any time day or night – i seldom sleep and always am on the site almost 24 hours to try and help others who have lost their babies – please let me know how i can help you

      • I’ve tried to figure out why I cannot seem to get much better after 11 years and I think it’s because my son did drugs because he was unhappy…I do believe that’s why..ptsd…he loved life. But he hurt a lot. I think of him as a child how he was just so crazy about new experiences, new things, new discoveries…I can see his sweet smile right now. It was soooo easy to make him happy then. Soooo much fun. He brought me so much joy. But ya know, then life had to turn…war……drugs for pain…..war dreams….drugs taking over….destroying my baby….It’s all so fucked up. Why should I try to seek JOY and happiness in the rest of my life when my son didn’t have it, couldn’t get it, tried and couldn’t. Why should I be happy when my son wasn’t? How can I be happy ever…when my son wasn’t. People say that after awhile, you will start to see the sun again. No. There is no answer. Why do some people have so much pain and others almost none? If you have a lot of money and power, you might be able to overcome the obstacles and throw obstacles in the path for others to trip over so that you can advance to even more money and power. I do see the world striving toward being kinder; people caring more about other people, but there will always be those who aren’t concerned about people, only money and power. And the few have power over the many. This is how the world was made. Maybe one day it will be better…a very, very long time from now. But my son, and I believe all the children here, were angels, too precious for this place. They loved it here but like all angels, were slapped down again and again. Why are we here anyway? Anyone have any ideas?

      • Hi Holly,
        My outlook on life is very similar, but of late, I’ve been trying really hard to modify it for several reasons. One reason is my remaining son, who is now 18. He was 13 when his 17 year old sister died in his arms. They were sledding and she slid over rocks that were under a thin veil of snow. A sapling stopped her sled and she was unable to talk much less move. Later we would find out that her spleen and liver were torn apart and she died of internal bleeding. Needless to say, my son has a burned in memory of his older sister that will never go away. He has seen me have a mental breakdown, attempt suicide then develop cancer and go through radiation surgery and therapy (I’m clear of cancer now). So, he grew up fast, trying to be my protector and caretaker. I don’t want to be a burden to him anymore- I’m trying to reclaim the protector and caretaker position and I can’t do that if I’m constantly having suicidal thoughts.
        I have also been reading, watching videos, and listening to podcasts about life after death. I know it sounds crazy, but this entire situation is crazy, so I have tried things I never would have. Before her accident, I taught history courses at the local college, so my beliefs were based upon logic and hard science, so I was a real skeptic, but after having many unexplainable experiences, I decided to investigate. I won’t go into the all the details, but suffice it to say, my pain is eased somewhat because I know I will see my beautiful daughter again. If you are open to this, may I suggest starting with the classic book, Many Lives, Many Masters, by Brian Weiss, a professor of psychology.
        With all that said, I still have a hard time laughing or listening to music and I don’t go to the mall, attend graduations or weddings without crying my eyes out and feeling that expansive empty void she left. It’s beyond words, as you well know. This pain will NEVER go away, the best we can do is to try to learn to live with it.

      • Hey Elizabeth, what a trial for your son! How terrible for him to have that happen at 13. I understand about his role protecting you too. My other son is now 18 years old too. I’m so glad that your cancer was stopped and you can continue to be there for him.
        I don’t find it the least bit strange that you listen to life after death podcasts. It would be more strange if you didn’t…at least from my point of view. Seeking our lost children is something civilians don’t understand. Constant seeking, reading, thinking….science, history (love it), reading works by old authors, especially about nature, have all helped me find pieces of the puzzle. I will look for answers the rest of my life. Religion disappointingly has brought me no answers; only shocked disgust, and historically, religion looks pretty bad. Nature teaches me so much more.
        My negativity regarding my own attempt at happiness is logical to me. Yes I know my lost son wants me to smile because he loves me, but he also understands how this has devastated me. My son only had 23 years here and suffered much from his war experiences. His short life had much unhappiness. Why should my long life be happy and gay? Not possible.
        I do live for my other son. We, as mothers, love all of our children.
        Thanks for the rec. I will look that up today. And thanks for writing. I wish you didn’t have to go through this, nor your son. Hugs.

      • Hi holly its marie, i know my story of how my son jordan died but i feel such a connection because my other son was in iraq he drinks way too much he works but when hes not he drinking& if what he became addicted to coming back was heroin he would be dead and the alcohol takes longer but im afraid i will lose him too your so right unless u have unlimited resources its so hard to find the help sometimes i think how people do not understand how it is to lose your child, only a small percentage of population serves their country because its voluntary & they do not know what these young people deal with there and when they come home. I get so upset to be honest when i see pple talking about shooting off missiles like there fireworks its dangerous jobs and war has consequences far beyond what people see on tv. I hope im not offending people but im sorry to say many people don’t get the pain they go thru. I think of you a lot you are such a compassionate person i try my best to be there for my others sons es my army son and i get so scared im going to lose another son i hear your words when you told me don’t give up and i won’t. I wish with all my heart that things were different for your son but i know you did everything in your power to help him that is who you are. Please keep in contact. Your son was lucky to have you he knows how much you loved him and still do. I wish there was something i could do to make things right. Peace here if you need me thx u for all the support u given me.

      • When Matt was getting ready to go to war, Marie, we were actually ‘excited’. Had no idea what war was or life or death. How totally ignorant I was about everything in this world. Naive, uneducated, and ignorant. I suppose it had something to do with a thing called patriotism. What the hell? My son’s LIFE for his country? I think NOT!!! My son wasn’t born to kill people to protect some other people he doesn’t even know. It does make me sick to my stomach to think that I had such an outrageous attitude.

        Losing Matt changed me so completely that I really became a different person. Trump casually suggesting that we (our children) will attack North Korea makes me want to throw up. How dare that fucking idiot play with our children’s lives! I realize he’s just stupid, in addition to having mental problems, whatever they may be, but to play with the world like it is just a business challenge for him, is insulting to all of us with any intelligence whatsoever. I am so disappointed in the people in our country voting for him. This is the first time in my life I’ve thought about living in a different country.

        I’m sorry about your son, Marie, as it’s so difficult to know what to do when a person has ptsd from war. It’s hard because we haven’t experienced it ourselves and don’t know what it’s like to kill other people or see people or friends killed. I’ve heard that just listening and letting them talk about it is the most healing. We know this ourselves that having a person who loves us show concern and interest in our pain is the most healing thing. Most of us don’t get that from the people we love. They think they are supposed to try and cheer us up. I thought that with Matt. How I hate myself for that.

        I did so much wrong with Matt. And yes, I loved him with all of my heart. But it didn’t make me do the right thing, the thing he needed me to do. Give him time, listen slowly, listen more. I know a lot of adults who drink alcohol all the time and it always makes me think that they are running from some kind of pain. But the kind of pain our son’s have been through is so different. And they know it. They know we cannot possibly makes them feel alienated from society, even from their families. This is a well known fact.
        I wish I could give you some advice, but I failed my son. I know you are scared. My heart breaks for your son and for you. Write me anytime. Sending hugs, Holly

      • Holly, I just love you! The way you tell it like it is with no fear takes courage in these times. Please don’t say you failed i feel the same way about Jordan i ask myself why didn’t i take him out of town sooner to a better dr by the time he died we didn’t even have a the specialist he needed to care for him when his dr left. The cards were stacked agst us its hard to fight alone. They stigimitize & criminalize drug abuse& mental health disorders in this country. They treat you different at hospitals when you have “issues” it ranges from treating you like you are stupid or a loser. I saw it so much i even heard whispers behind my back my son was hospitalized alot during the last yr of his life here comes his mother shes basically saying a question too much when it came down to it i should of been more assertive. Everyday as mothers who have lost their children we carry guilt but we i think as in my case we fought with everything we had for our sons maybe if one person had stepped in some how they might of made a difference nobody can fight alone for the most part and win. Society in general let veterans, drug users the mentally ill fall through the cracks all the time. You loved your son just like me you would of gladly traded your life for his. Right now you with your courage to speak your mind can save other Jordans and Matts. Please stay in contact love talking to you it always makes me feel better es on the times when i am by myself and my heart breaks from missing my son and im sure its the same for you. Hugs & peace and im with you on trump i live in ny state but my area is economically depressed but he never served got deferments and sats the strike on syria was after dinner entertainment scary to me &sad. Had to get that in there one thing my sons death has taught me is i will use my voice to speak agst wrong & hate is wrong &if we do not address it we cannot stop it from spreading like a cancer across the country. Xxoo Marie

      • Thanks Marie. This pain we feel (and your son also) is something that sets us apart, keeps us apart, from others who haven’t experienced it. It’s hard for me not to resent these people. But I also remember how ignorant I was myself, before I lost Matt. I try not to judge, but I think about my family members who judge me for ‘not doing a good job with my grief’. I try to think about how I would have responded had it been one of them who lost their child. I do think I would have been much more caring. It seems like most people must always have an opinion or judgement about others in order to maintain their sense of their own identity. I don’t like generalizing but it’s hard not to in this case. People like this look down upon others with relish. It makes them feel superior. It’s just that simple, really. My mother is that way. She never listens or has any interest in learning but has already made up her mind about every possible situation in life. I fear that I might have been this way before I lost Matt. Meaning that I didn’t listen enough. I wanted to but I feared what I would hear and was overly and too concerned about his FUTURE.
        I have let most of my old friends go. They didn’t like it, but all they needed to do was to listen to me, show some interest, and not avoid the subject. They didn’t do this, but not because they were worried about me or my future; it simply wasn’t FUN for them.
        All I know is that I’m trying to survive. Learning is paramount to me now so that I can feel real hope that I will be with Matt again. As far as having courage, Marie, it doesn’t take any courage for me to say what I think. I have many times wished I was more assertive, though, such as in situations where it might really make a difference. But if my son were in the hospital and his very life was at the mercy of a group of people, some of whom were judging him negatively, I would hesitate because of the fear of them taking out their anger at me, on him. When I read your account of the hospital situation, I was right there with you, scared and not knowing what to do or how to do it, fearing for my child’s life, fearing on top of that how he was being treated. I don’t think you did anything wrong. Far from doing something wrong, I think you did everything right and the main thing was that your son knew it. Basically he knew you loved him and were worried about him. That is what he needed and you gave him that. He left knowing you loved him.

      • So true Holly – so very true- my mother is like that too – thinks that you can just move on and always harps at me that I have not done that – you cannot move on or past – you try and survive each day – my love and arms in a hug are with you – it will be two years august when my daughter died in my arms – i cannot believe i am still in this world but i go on until i can see her and my father again and i have many other friends to see again too – i can’t wait….be gentle with yourself i have learned that much because few others will be – our babies love us and we love them – all of them – we know that and they know that and that is what will get us through until we can be there with them – they are always here

      • Thanks Janice, so sweet. Your mother insisting you move on after only 2 years is the kind of thing that brings out all kinds of feelings. My heart goes out to you as I know the first few years are unbearable, to put it mildly. When I used to inquire of my mother why my sibs and even she were not coming to see me in that first year, she would always say, “well they have their own lives”. What do you do with that? It’s a pat answer that shuts down the conversation. For someone who deals in platitudes, this was not her best.

        There are many reasons people don’t help and instead end up hurting us. Maybe your mother just cannot bear to see you unhappy because she loves you so much. Maybe she thinks you need her to be tough on you or you’ll stop swimming. It’s hard for us to know or care; we only know that we need help from those we love, not criticism. I’m not sure if my mother cares which leads me to think, if I have to ask myself that question……..

        Thanks for writing Janice. Hugs to you.

      • I was part of this group 3 1/2 years ago when my son Harris first died (he was 19 and died by accidental overdose), and I couldn’t see how I was going to make it through the day. Harris had anxiety/ADHD turned to substances to self-medicate. This is called co-occurring disorders. I am now an advocate founding the only nonprofit in the country on behalf of the 9.2 million with co-occurring disorders. We created a HS/college awareness, prevention, intervention program, and I advocate to integrate treatment so that when our young people going into rehab programs they are fully assessed and all of their needs are met under one roof at the same time(mental health, trauma, traumatic brain injury, substance misuse) because most have complex needs, and this is the best way to achieve sustainable recovery. This is me now:

      • Hi Stephanie, I didn’t see anything about the harris project. Only a facebook page.

      • this is the news report. It autocorrected our Facebook page, sorry, it’s

      • Thanks for your great work Stephanie. It’s people like you who are willing to take the first steps that will bring changes in the world. I remember considering treatment for my son, but we ran out of time. I was worried, though, because the couple of doctors we did deal with here were clueless and judgmental. So having advocates is so important.

      • Thank you Holly, I share this with this group in particular because there was a time I didn’t think I could survive let alone try to make change. Each of our paths will be different, and none are better or worse, just doing what we can.

      • That’s right Stephanie. We’re all just doing the best we can. I know, even after 11 years without my son, that I could not reach out like you are doing. It’s hiding for me that works best. I am glad there are some, like you, who can carry the torch, because change will not happen without you. Hugs

      • Holly hi its marie been thinking about you i used to love the summer now its just hard Jordans birthday coming on june 30 he would of turned 30 &then August 19 the day he died you are such a inspiration to me on days im down i think about you&i always smile. I hope you are doing ok ,i just wanted to let you know how you touched my life. Marie xxoo

      • Hi Holly, its Marie ive been thinking about u especially since mothers day & just wanted to let you know that. I love your lack of fear in speaking your mind es on open post. It gives me hope that there are still people who care about disabled, people with additions & the forgotten in our society. Like I told you before i love your spirit . I don’t know about you but these days have been difficult for me like a sd all the division, mothers day & now the parents who are on tv whos kids just went to a concert. But everyday we lose our sons& daughters because people do not care or care enough to understand even situations like your son& the pain he carried when he got out of military & other forgotten in our society. I don’t want to rattle on just wanted you to know i think about you& im glad we connected on this site. Please take care& keep in contact. You always make me feel better& i admire your courage in speaking out. Xxoo Marie

  175. well that got messed up, sorry
    and this was a recent news piece:

    • Stephanie, i replied to you earlier and went to your Facebook page i talked to you about my son Jordan i do not know if i mentioned that he was a binge drinker that played a significant part of his death because of diseases he had i was just curious to know if your organization does anything with medical community es hospitals i feel like every time my son was put in hospital because his drinking lowered his sodium level addisons disease means that your body doesn’t produce sodium he was treated badly by staff &even some drs & there was never enough follow up or coordination btwn his psychiatric care & physical problems. Does your organization address the medical community. Thank you Marie

      • Hi Marie, while the medical piece has not been the main focus of our efforts, it certainly plays a role in taking a holistic approach to our young people. I am actually on a NYS committee called the Regional Planning Consortium and we focus on the need to integrate treatment on all fronts including medical. At this point we are a small non-profit and are trying to at a minimum get behavioral health (mental health, trauma, traumatic brain injury, substance misuse) to be viewed together. That’s what our student programming is all about, and that is what we advocate for on the rehabilitation end. I am going to make a point of bringing this up from a prevention standpoint because I am sure many young people don’t even think of the physical impact of this on their system. Thank you so much for sharing xo Stephanie

  176. With mothers day approaching i just wanted to share with all on this site how for many its a day of celebration &happiness but for those of us on this site& can be painful& bring up raw emotions. I hope we can support each other especially those who do not feel they get the support or understanding from others around them. I want to send out my sympathy for all of the mothers who have gone through this horror and the recent stories in the news of young men that have lost their lives i can’t imagine going through the grieving process in the spot light of media and to all who names are not in the news but are all someones baby. I don’t wish this pain on anyone and i hope by sharing our stories there will be more understanding of how devastating it is to have to bury a child.

  177. Our daughter Megan died on 28 July 2016 from an undiagnosed heart viirus.

    She went on holiday on Friday night and never came back.

    I love her so much. I realise that I believe she is still with us in spirit , the Sam as I believe in Jesus Christ is out Saviour.

    Jesus saved me by showing me that life is all about love and that we will meet again someday in Heaven xxx

    • Hi Niki, this is Julie. My son, Brandon died in Feb 2013 of an inherited heart issue. I believe with all my heart that Jesus is his saviour and that BJ is doing art and running with joy in heaven. I also know He holds our hurt and our family as we still grieve. My prayers are with you.

    • I feel the same way you feel. It’s that faith that keeps us going from day to day because when you lose a child, the grieving process never ends. If I didn’t have my faith in Jesus Christ, I would have to drown my sorrows in drugs or alcohol. The pain is always there. Sometimes, it’s worse than others. We want to remember the cherished time we had with our child, but just remembering hurts. It broke my heart when my only child died. All I can do is try and stitch it together from time to time, but it will stay broken until I see him again.

  178. My only daughter died June 3rd 2017. She was my only child she was 22 I do not want to live

    • Please hold on Barbara i am thinking of you and please if you want tell me about your daughter. You are in my thoughts my heart goes out to you. Marie

      • Oh Marie! I’m so terribly sorry. I know nothing I say will help much. I wanted to reach out to you because you are in in the unique position I am in. You lost your only child! I did as well and that is such a horribly lonely place. I mean to take nothing away from other parents who have lost a child but have remaining children. I know they grieve the death of that child every bit as much. But when you lose your only child there is no other child to love and hug and have a future with. And if your child dies young without children of their own (my son was 18 when he was murdered last year) then you have no future dreams of grandkids either. I am so terribly sorry for your horrible grief. You have my prayers. Cindy

      • Oh Barbara! I’m so terribly sorry. I know nothing I say will help much. I wanted to reach out to you because you are in in the unique position I am in. You lost your only child! I did as well and that is such a horribly lonely place. I mean to take nothing away from other parents who have lost a child but have remaining children. I know they grieve the death of that child every bit as much. But when you lose your only child there is no other child to love and hug and have a future with. And if your child dies young without children of their own (my son was 18 when he was murdered last year) then you have no future dreams of grandkids either. I am so terribly sorry for your horrible grief. You have my prayers. Cindy

    • Barbara I know exactly how you feel. It has been over a year and a half now since my beautiful 18 yr old daughter died and I still have feelings like you are having now. Please hold on. I can’t say it is easier with time but the huge hole in your heart that is so painful starts to ebb a bit and you can start remembering her with more love than pain as time goes by. You have to keep going to keep her memory alive. My thoughts are with you. Sandie

      • Well put Sandra. Only time helps. At 1 1/2 years I was still suffering mainly from grief (Just look back on my posts and you will see). It is now going on 7 years, and I can finally look back on my 13 yr old son Kollin’s life and smile once again. Though his path through life was short, I’m once again glad I got to walk it with him. He was to be my legacy. Instead, I am his (And glad I am). Sandra/Barbara, please hang in there. I would bet your children would want you too. Take care!

      • Barbara Sandra is right the pain&loss is always there but it changes i found the first yr the hardest always thinking back to what we or he was doing last yr. There are people that care on this site& others feel free to tell your daughters story it helps others as well. All of us no matter the circumstances of our child’s death have unique experiences& unique stress depending on the circumstances. Ive been thinking about you since you posted hoping to hear back from you. We may be strangers but we are all bonded by the pain of burying our child something no one can really comprehend unless they have been thru it. Again my heart goes out to you Marie

  179. My 6months boy died 7month ago I feel like I should sleep and never wake up I didn’t know he was that serious and took him to hospital when it’s late and the doctors didn’t also attend to him on time it’s killing I hate everyone and just want to be alone.He is my only child

    • Sara, seven months is such a short time after losing a child. It took me years to be able to laugh again and feel real joy. The only thing that will help is time. No words will help…no one’s actions will help… just time. I don’t believe you hate everyone. You’re just desperate, and you feel that if you don’t get close to anyone, you won’t feel the pain of loss. I know how you feel because I had those same feelings when my only child died. My family and friends made my life bearable when I was going through what I call “torture”. When I went to bed at night, I didn’t want to wake up the next morning. I started to drink during the day – something that I never did before my Matthew died. Be good to yourself and take one day at a time! It does get better. Don’t shut family and friends out of your life unless you find that they are a negative force in your life. When I go to bed tonight, I will ask God to continue to give me peace; and I will ask him to help you to find peace!


      • Thanks alot patty for your encouragement and prayers this is all I need from someone who knows exactly what it means to loose achild.

  180. I thank God I found this site because I feel like there are people out there who know how I feel coz I always feel like in darkness when I see people happy with their children l hate seeing the pregnant women swinging their bellies around expecting newborn while I lost mine too soon,when I hear of those abandoning or neglecting children gets me thinking that God is so unfair.

    • Sara, when bad things happen to people they need to remember that God didn’t make it happen. When parents abandon or neglect their children, it’s not God’s fault. When my son died, I never once blamed God for his death. When something wonderful happens to people, most of them say “thank you God”, and when something devastating happens, most people say “why me God”. God doesn’t always step in to keep us from making mistakes, but he will be there if you ask him to be there for you. I have a neighbor that lost two babies before they were two years old. She was devastated, but she didn’t give up. She went on to have two more beautiful children. Having those two children didn’t lessen the pain of the two lost children, but it gave her a reason to carry on with life. I think every parent that has lost a child resents other parents that still have their children…in the beginning. And then, after a while they are happy for them. I don’t want to see any parent go through what I went through. God gives us free will, and he hopes we will do the right thing. May God bless you and give you the knowledge and peace to make it through this nightmare!